thought #170- self- destruction

i, along with the six billion people in this universe, have my fair share of insecurities. i have days where i pass by the mirror and curse my absence of a nose, my pathetic truncated version of legs and my non-existent rack. i have days where i stare blankly at a textbook and wish thinking came that naturally. i have days where i question if i will ever really find the one for me, or will life be peppered with innumerable hit and misses until my heart is nothing left but an empty chamber of what i once knew to be love. i have days where i pretend i'm not concerned about what people think about me, that i'm not confused, that i'm altogether and constructed. i have days where i wish i didn't have to live in a world of subconscious expectation, where we didn't have to worry about friends and lovers being strangers again, where the people we love never died, where the concept of lies were foreign and we would all have a good time and never have to wake up with a hangover the next morning. i have days where i feel utterly ashamed about who i am and am frightened that God might never want to talk to me again. in summary, i have shit, sunshine's- not-coming-out-of-my-ass- this- time, days.

but then i think as much as insecurities are wired within our human nature, it's pure self- destruction. you don't gain anything from it and the people around you essentially don't benefit (unless everyone hates you... bitch haha i kid). maybe we can be optimistic for once. i don't mean big headedness or surreality, i mean accept all facets of life. i mean everday its a conscious quest to accept the fact that i'm not supermodel material with freakishly gazelle legs. or that i'm not albert einstein and never will come close to being him. or that i still don't know the answers to many questions i conjure, like if i will die alone. but if there's not one single man on this earth i'm supposed to be with, happiness and love still exists because it will never merely be determined by mushy wooing words or the way you turn gelloid when he touches you. or that i will never fully understand, or perfectly have it alltogether, and that the world i want will never come to being so waste no time thinking about what people think of you or what you want but can never have.

seize what you can now. love what is in front of you. battle with what is given in your hands. accept the fact that you will always have shit days. that you will always have insecurities. because that's what a human being is. we're just a bunch of insecure skin and bones, taped together by a brain that overanalyses and a heart that doesn't know when to stop beating at the actions of pricks. but thankfully, our Creator didn't just make us and leave us to fend for ourselves. i think the whole difference comes down to purpose. that there is so much more than this. that eternity isn't idealistic. that in comparison, my insecurities are but a smidgen in the bigger picture of humanity.

love,

ps. insecurities are what you may have, but they don't make who you are.