apart from the fact that i'm feeling absolutely horrible, via the overrate spring weather, tonight has caused me to feel slightly weird. it's kind of embarrassing to admit but i suddenly feel wounded. it feels like life as we speak has been very plateau lately. boring and uneventful, stuck between the quotidian routines of sleep, eat, uni and exist. i have entered into this comfortable familiar twilight zone where nothing appears to phase me, where the meaning of my life is buried underneath priorities of study and success. even the carnal vices of the flesh have been trampled on by this consistent monotonous wave of nothingness. usually i'm fine, even rejoicing at the absence of drama and the rollercoaster moments of life. but tonight, i've been bitten internally.
the first came from my uni friend who commented in a non-offensive respective manner that i didn't appear as the church going type. now normally this doesn't phase me, and i acknowledge that my relationship with God has been very frayed and difficult this year, but the truth of his statement came as a slap to my face. i mean as much as ive strayed away from abiding the exact righteous life we are called to have, as much as i haven't in all honesty been salt and light, as much as the reality is that i'm a lukewarm, disgraceful person, the fact that someone picked it up too just made me feel sick to the stomach. i thought then what do i look like? do i appear as another mediocre individual consuming the worthless, empty offerings of the world i was supposed to help and not become of. can i honestly look at myself, my behaviour, my thoughts and be proud of who i am today?
the answer makes me want to cry. because i know what i am becoming and part of me is selfish and hedonistic. part of me is battling for redemption. part of me wants to be good. part of me wants to follow. not because i want to appear as someone content with life. because i know the truth. i know how much life is better on the other side. but i struggle. its so difficult to give up things that my heart desires but my spirit rebukes. i am so torn.
second, my close friend observed the diminishing feelings of former favourite boy for me. just like my relationship with God, i wasn't expecting him to feel the same as it was before. but hearing the reality, the possibility that he is truly over me is heartbreaking. i feel so hypocritical but the fact that i'm hurt about this trivial piece of detail makes me question if i'm truly over it. the fact that the "ifs" regarding him still linger is terrifying and i find myself in a place of loneliness and ever growing questions. uncertainty is a bitch.
now for one, im not attempting to overanalyse nor worry. i just think im being convicted to rethink life again. to remind myself why i'm here an who i'm here for. i've finally gotten tired of being tired. sick of being lazy. i want to do something. but its hard. i know its going to be a slow, grueling process. i don't even know how to start or where to begin. i just know i have a lot of thinking and altering. i can only pray that i don't crash and burn because the thought already cuts me into two.
love,
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