thought #175- expectations and reality

i recall writing a post earlier on in the year regarding disappointment and expectations. the notion appears to have surfaced once again in my train of thought. the heart aching distance, and gap between what we hope and what really happens. that little bitch, reality. sometimes in life we are fortunate to experience expectations and reality align. we see what we hope for pleasantly blossom into what is presently in front of our hands and the feeling is beyond amazing. sadly, this is not always the case and more frequently (than not) do we find ourselves disappointed by what we pray, wish and finger cross never really going according to our plan or premeditated ideas.

i currently find myself in this pickle, at this present moment in life. not that i have filled myself with unbelievable amounts of expectations. i've actually come to this point in life where i no longer expect anything. i mean i do have hopes and goals and such but in terms of potential loves and the similar, i've adopted the "go with the flow" approach. so far it's been good. apart from the fluctuating periods of utter boredom and restlessness, i find a sense of peace resting placidly over my little ticker.

but i guess circumstances, trivial meetings and routine thoughts have caused a little mess in my once structured approach to relationships. suddenly i find that my subconscious expectations about certain things have been thrown left of centre and i suddenly find myself feeling disappointed. foreign, i know. its as if i thought seeing him again would create this whirlwind of affection to just bloat out of both our chests and that i'd realise i was foolish to ever end anything that we once previously had. but that wasn't the case. and though i'm glad things aren't awkward. i'm also stunted by the triviality, the indifference, the lack of familiarity between us. i mean i wasnt expecting a lust at first sight. but maybe something more than what i'm feeling now. it feels as if in reality our encounter made no difference when in expectation it should have shook or stirred something....

ok now im babbling and heart spilling way too much for my liking. maybe im just overanalysing. maybe this is a sign for me to stop chasing after expectations and start living in reality. whatever happens i just hope things are evolving this way for the better. i might not understand now but i will in time. it after all isn't about me anyway.

love,

ps. exactly.