thought #155- it's easy to think you know someone, but truly knowing them is the hardest part.

i've come to terms with the fact that i will never completely figure someone out, myself included. i think part of me; the carnal, competitive and knowledge- hungry self will be forever attempting and equally forever disappointed by this. i've somewhat lived by this chimera that one day i will meet that someone who will truly get me, someone i will in return banish complexity and see right through.

and so the quest has always been founded upon this foolish guideline, meeting people exchanging numbers, trading hearts and find in the very moment you are so very caught up in each other's lives that you don't know this person as well as you thought. it may be a gradual realisation, an accumulation of disappointment and qualm. or it maybe that one instance, sitting in a restaurant on that casual friday night date (as you often do; nothing extraordinary), that he says something that makes you suddenly doubt or feel disgusted. and that feeling, that gut-wrenching feeling of knowing that you can't pretend something when it is already in existence and fully aware in your world. and in that fleeting moment, that harmless iota and insignificant dent in another twenty- four hour day, you realise that you don't really know much after all.

perhaps its a sudden human notion of repulsion, unattractedness or a turn-off or perhaps, innately, its this sadness because you thought you had things figured out, sketched out and planned, that freakishly you secretly thought of doing life together to find out that you were conjuring your "perfect" groom from the contents of a stranger. a waste after all. a back to square one of oblivion.

to be honest, i'm fed up with this sort of routine shit. i've come to grips that i will never really know a person in his or her totality. nor will i know myself. that is a coveted secret shared only by the Creator. what i can do is to forget trying to devour people with attempts at getting to know them and to just know them. is there a difference you ask? of course. i mean stop trying so hard to find the perfect guy or perfect relationship or perfect friendship or perfect human being because thats just nonexistent bullshit and a cruising for a bruising. understand its a risk everyday to give fragments of yourself away. accept that you will only know so much of a person. but be content. be thankful that they were willing enough to shed some of their skin to let you in. i'm not talking about being two faced ok?! just be happy you know someone, in this world it's easy not to.