thought #90- there's so much past in my present

i guess its obvious to see the echoing relevance of this feist song towards the thoughts and circumstances of life as we speak. i must admit i have lost whatever sleep is left (to an insomniac such as myself) over this. over the whole notion of having too much past dictating the probabilities of the present and future. it's been difficult and confusing and a tear straight down the mind and heart, but i believe it is for the best and im praying that it is so. out of all the things i cannot stand it is regret. i absolutely loathe to even think of the concept because regret is merely sandpaper to the heart that rubs away and gnaws any possibility of overcoming. and so i have no space for regret in my life.

however the unknown is frightening and you wonder if regret maybe inevitable. but frankly im tired of encasing pleasant past memories and bottling them in the hope that whatever my present will possess, my past will always sustain me. i think we often live our lives holding onto untied threads, thinking if we sort nothing out then we're fine either way. i guess i've been selfish in believing that i can somewhat affiliate who i was and who i am and still make sense. its so easy to unsettle, its far more "pleasant" to forever be in "well i don't know." but you come to a point, to a precipice where choice must be made, where you either dwell in the past, hope for a repeat or risk the unknown future, say goodbye to what you have always known and adventure into something that may crush or encourage you.

its the risk you must take. some people are born risk takers, others, like me, are a little more hesitant. but as much as i adore the past and will remember it as something that will always create a smile on my face whenever i do recall, i do not want it to ruin the new-ness of my present. i want to move on, be unrestrained. its one hell of a decision, but im sick of merely thinking about it, without deed its fucking pointless.

and so i guess as i think about meeting up with former favourite boy next week, i honestly don't know what to expect but i really hope i havent lost a friendship altogether. as hackeneyed as it sounds its time to finish the next chapter and open the next. its not a matter of get out of my life, its a matter of lets finally say what we needed to say. it's not goodbye, its closure.

love,

ps. will do.
pps. thanks carlo and gracie for yesterday's newtown adventure and for putting up with my over stressed self haha. i love you both.
ppps. happy birthday dad! for being my driver, credit card, where my face derived from haha, and putting up with my skitz self, thank you and love you.

thought #89- just because

you know those splendid just because days? those days in which we chortle to ourselves at nothing in particular, sigh at nonsense and smile at inanimate objects as if they too can wholeheartedly understand how you feel? those days where you can say you are happy. not pathetic. not asleep; clearly aware and awake but happy because some sort of clarity has been found? ever experienced the fleeting moments where one melts internally but gives nothing away and moments where you wish time would co operate and unwind just so the day would last longer? have you ever felt like you were starring into someone's soul and you only look away because you are afraid of letting them in, but deep inside you are more than willing to throw a stone inside, splinter the divide and enter inside? have you ever just thought to yourself what are we doing? where are we going? what are we playing? only to allow no other question or over analysation hinder and wreck whatever is present?

you know those days where it takes no epiphany but once you know, you know? you know that feeling where you don't want to say love, or you don't want to frighten or you don't want to give yourself away merely because you're afraid of rejection but then things go pleasantly and you see no reason to rush? you know those days where you wish to repeat? you know that feeling of being grateful for what you presently have? you know that assurance that things will be fine, despite not knowing all the details or knowing the extent of what anyone truly feels? you know the feeling where you don't want to frighten but you want to be honest? you know those days where you can sleep at night, stare at the ceiling and be glad that the day took place?

today was one of those days.

love,

ps. love this movie, it's synonymous with these kind of days haha.

thought #88- i need a saviour from myself

redemption. its a frightening, amazing word. this morning i awoke musing upon the past moments of life. it made me smile, cringe, laugh, hesitate, sigh at everything that my world has currently been surrounded by. i couldn't help think to myself, how change and choice is so rapid in transforming ways, thoughts, lifestyles. i actually felt like i needed to a redemption of my own. 

i know it may sound blasphemous or shocking but this morning, sitting in church i realised some things. i havent been living very well. i truly haven't given myself an allowance from existence and life. these days feel dead internally. i feel busy with uni, warped by good times, peppered with nasty habits and packaged by alot of distance. im not being emo or anything, i'm just facing reality. i stand back and look at the canvas of my life and all i see is gaps. gaps and inconsistencies. one minute i want to be back into the arms of my Creator, feeling the heartbeat of my church, my family, my purpose. one minute i want to run back and bask in His presence and want nothing selfish but to repent. then one minute i am flung into the world. my carnal self wanting things that i know is wrong, i know will not sustain and destroy, yet choosing all the same.

i ask how can i be so weak? like a battle inside. it aches. because as much as i feel relaxed by the passivity of my life, the more unhappy i become. the more shallow, pretensious, satisfied for something fleeting. and what frightens me more is the thought that i have been commissioned, i have been told and prayed over to go and make a difference to a desperate, hopeless generation... only to find myself as one of them. how can i be a vessel when i am as broken as the prostitute selling her body for a living, or the junkie that shoots up to escape reality, or the gambler that spends his life and family away at the casino, or whoever we consider as fucked up. how can i amount to anything more when i am just the same?

and i may live through the disappointment of some people, but will i ever live through the disappointment of the one who took the time to knit me in my mother's womb? its a scary thought. i have a saviour. i know i do. but how can i be saved from something so attached, something such as i? 

love, 

ps. abstract jesus... interesting

thought #87- who are we fooling?

i have a bitching cough and a lack of a voice and no real energy to think of something insightful to share. so ill leave tonight/this early morn with a song. its the newest  baby and very sketchy. hope the words mean something for you.

who are we fooling?

verse one:

if you leave, 

i will respect it to be that way

but if you leave, 

saying things we both expect will make you stay

then who am i? who are you?

we're both rambling fools.

chorus:

we've mastered the art of saying its done,

but never walking away.

with one foot out the door,

the other stubborn on the floor

we are clever with our ends, 

yet fulfil none of it.

just leave, don't renounce, don't announce

the permanency of your stay.

just leave, don't feign it was my fault

to not let you go away

who are we fooling? (x2)

verse two:

if you leave, 

uttering no words in return ill be fine

but if you leave,

with perplexing revelations that make me call the next day

then who am i? who are you?

we're both rambling fools.

april 2010.

love, 

ps. kick ass is amazing! aaron johnson is still gorgeous as a lame, dorky american. froth. 

thought # 86- young and restless, old and careless.

it is approximately 1:12pm. i am in the midst of studying for my last exam. thank the good Lord that they are almost over. now for the results... but i am not even beginning to ponder. i just want my mid sem break next week! so the events of my past week have been very eventful. i cannot help but smile at the antics that i find myself affiliated with.

firstly, saturday night was brilliant. it was one of the most interesting, fun, splendid, messy, embarrassing, aching, mischievous nights ever. it was definitely the way i wanted to spend my 18th birthday, in comparison to the frills and agonising preparation of a debut (i love debuts by the way, just not my personal cup of tea). the beginning of the evening was slightly stressful i must say, everything from lugging around a giant cupcake with my mother through qvb in toe crunching heels, booking at westend and dinner hickups at radisson. nevertheless, by the time we had finished our din din, which was absolutely delicious, things had run smoothly and we were all in much merriment. my lovely parents and lola left us at radisson and the party truly began!

we first arrived at the ivy sandwiched between gorgeous business suited folk and overpriced drinks. im pretty sure i had a fair share of drinks in the hour we were there haha. sadly my feet killed and any proposition of dancing would cause my toes to literally snap. we waited till chris came and then i went to the ridiculously long bathroom queue with sam. one observation i must add is how i absolutely loathe having to go to the loo every 20min after drinking. its so inconvenient, untimely and frankly tiring haha. after the meets, greets, perving, pathetic giddiness subsided, we all agreed to visit oxford art factory.

hopping inside a taxi, we arrived at oxford street in the company of a million smoking teenagers, and an eclectic collection of people. with an id asked for the third time (i was quite happy haha) the atmosphere changed into a laid back, gritty, dirty sort of scenery (especially compared to the ivy haha). but nonetheless, it was a splendid experiencing, sipping and puffing away, in the company of drunken friends and itune selected beats haha. the night passed by oh so quickly and before we knew it, it was around 3ish. my feet had given up any ability to walk, move or function hence i agreed to go back to the hotel and get some sleep (the need to study on that sunday morning also kept me from being on the prowl till 6am).

we all arrived back at westend and after much chatter, restlessness, recollections, music playing we all fell asleep. the pillow was horrible and i kept waking up incessantly either because it was too hot, too cold, my neck was sore or my feet was sore. i finally awoke at 9am and woke the other tired little bodies. we checked out just before 10am and the girls and i caught the train and bus back. i arrived home utterly gone and dilapidated. but regretted nothing.

after a brief study and nanna nap, we all went to sunday night church which was fantastic haha. then before i knew it, my sunday was over. so i guess my weekend was amazing and brilliant and one of those weekends that cause you to smile to yourself and chuckle internally. now to return to marketing study (sigh). i guess i could tell you about yesterdays unique playdate with elle as well but ill leave that for next time haha.

love,

p.s. yes that was one sexy birthday cupcake, and yes im embarrassing cause i dont know how to blow out birthday candles haha. 

thought #85- eighteen

is a brilliant number, a brilliant age. despite being congested and sore from the 97409273 tissues ive stuck inside my nose today, i must firstly say thank you to all the splendid people who sent messages, comments and other forms of love for my birthday! i am truly overwhelmed and blessed. my day was a concoction of mediocrity and firsts. my day began with being sandwiched on an all stops train to hornsby next to some largely sized man who was sitting on half me (literally) haha. in my politeness i let this pass haha.
second i met up with my darling best friend madeleine in which we had a coffee and caught up on the progress of our lives. i left to my accounting lecture- in which the desire to blow my nose innumerably taunted me horribly.

second, mai and gerry took me to the hotel/pub adjacent from uts in which i had two shots. this resulted in a momentary period of giddiness and dizzying verve haha. gerry and i printed my assignment and then had a quick lunch in which i attempted to complete the accounting homework (which was not collected this week, THANK THE LORD) then went off to say hello to chris at the insearch building. we quickly said hello before departing ways, mine to my tutorial and gerry home. tutorial was a slight droll and i spent most of my time starring at the time then actually paying much attention to what i believe will be critical information on the accounting exam *sigh.* after tute, chris and i saw each other again and had an "interesting" beer haha. it actually wasnt all that bad. though it did make me cringe internally, just a little haha. i returned back home and went din din with the family to conclude the festivities of the night.

and when i returned home, there sat the teal bag in which every girl secretly swoons at seeing. a beautiful tiffany and co. bracelet was within its contents and i almost burst out in jubilation. oh how i love my parents. now for saturday to come, i am so excited! it shall be splendid :) just this terrible cold, please go away. and im praying that the exams will not completely slaughter my attempts at getting a credit-distinction average hahahaha.

ah how i adore being eighteen.
with much thanks and greater love,

ps. can someone PLEASE make a picture of my face using shots and we'll drink it all for my nineteenth? haha this is bloody genius haha

thought #84- you're the tyrant and i am the fool

i don't believe i've made a list in awhile. i do miss them. i was contemplating about what list i could possibly entertain you (but moreso myself with) and after much deliberation regarding the circumstances of life as we speak, i thought this list is so ridiculous, hilarious, blunt and convicting but so damn true haha. so here it goes:

the 11 part vicious cycle of things we shouldn't do yet still do again, and again and again. 
by abigail cruz.

1. hypocrisy. verbally declaring your disapproval of hooking up all night at parties only to find yourself doing the exact same thing. oh the irony. solution? stick a plank in your eye. 
2. binging. it makes you want to throw up and never eat for a month, yet we find ourselves hiking the infinite mountain of chocolate, lollies, processed delicacies. and in that moment of self-realisation and shame, all you can really do is pulverise your weighing scales and curse your self control, i guess haha. solution? learn self control!
3. impulsive shopping. i dont mean small, addictive little purchases. i mean splurging your life savings on something as trivial as a bag (guilty) or jewellery or that new phone, heels etc. what's more worse than sleeping under a blanket of bills? regret and knowing that it'll be obsolete in a few seasons time haha. solutions? get someone to hide your credit card or force an allowance upon you.
4. addictions. whether its cigarettes, crack, alcohol, 5 gum or all of the above, we often find ourselves unphased by the fact that we're hacking ourselves internally everyday by doing it. sigh haha. solution? mental and physical rehab haha
5. stalking. yes, im guilty i admit. we find ourselves vicariously living through strangers we see sitting adjacent to us on the bus, fleetingly through the car window while driving on the highway or even at university. its one of those weird, creepy pleasures in life ha. solution? meet real people, the normal way. if all else fails buy a dummy and call her bianca. 
6. swearing. i am so so guilty of this. i know, profanities are horrible and especially to label someone by a profanity (of which i am against) and sore to the ears yet we find it slip our tounges ever so often. solution? sticky tape mouth. 
7. competition. i know its innately human to want to compare and compete and be the best. but for fucks sake, i think we should all just be content from time to time. i mean there is healthy competition then there are the ones that blow it out of proportion and chuck shits over not having the best hair, clothes, muscles, house, car and you name it. solution? give everything up and live in  a developing country slum for a year.
8. superficiality. i think this is somewhat correlated to every point mentioned before, but really we mock the trivial people in our world yet find ourselves starring in the mirror at the same time. its ridiculous and kills a little inside to hear but so true. solution? think. read a book, write about what you see, anything that doesnt have to do with you and being something better than the univserse. 
9. lying. OMG. i may be a culprit and repeat offender but lying, especially when you know you'll be found out or lying to the face of someone you love and trust is just unforgivable. i mean its so low and selfish. but there is veracity in james morrison ft. nelly furtardo's song broken strings "truth hurts, but lies worse." solution? how would you feel if no one was honest with you? yes you'd be screwed over. keep that in mind.
10. temptation. we all know our limits yet always try to bend, manipulate or even snap them altogether. we're one to promise abstinence yet let your bf sleep over, or im not going to eat that 934057075 calorie cake yet stand by the bakery/shop door. or i'm not going to drink yet party at a pub. things like that. solution? remove yourself from risky situations, really it saves lives just like jesus.
11. falling for people. when you know you shouldn't because they're either: absolute bitches/ dicks and both you and the entire cosmos know you deserve better than that, taken, flirting around yet taken, players, they take, take, take and never give, call you when they're lonely and become strangers when they're not, those type with extra luggage and the list perpetuates. basically people you shouldn't fall in love with. but of course the mind is usually defeated in this case and even after being shred into pieces whilst promising never to carelessly give ones heart away, you find yourself repeating this motion after a trivial encounter and not even a span of seconds before the last. solution? wait. wait and pray. wait and pray and visit the library/park/coffee shop you go to everyday. he's bound to show up. 

love,

ps. irrelevant but i love van gogh. i know how people think its creepy and screwed that he cut his ear and all, but i think thats why i like him better haha.

thought #83- better left in my head

i write this entry in agitation, frustration and absolute panic as i type away at an essay that makes no sense and a fear that midsems are in about a week and i have not even studied... eek! i also write this entry in utter amusement, which makes me laugh to myself pathetically and reconstruct the events of today in my head. have you ever had that feeling or thought of "this isn't supposed to happen in real life?" the almost scary ordeal of finding yourself in a moment of sheer pleasure and fun that it is far too good to be true, and you fear that your little game will end before you've had a chance to swing your head back in glee and sigh at how horrifically embarrassing you are and yet things conclude on a good note?

well i ask myself the same question as i had a lovely lunch with the uni boy i stalk. i refrain from calling this a date because simply lovers, potential lovers, and friendly friends go on dates. seeing as we were in neither category i see this only as lunch (despite what everyone else thinks haha). so before the anticipated, casual meeting my friend and i were quite jittery and nervous (mainly i was) simply because you dont ever expect to blindly meet, greet and associate with someone who is another name in your friends list. someone you don't know much about and have no real idea of who they are. before all this, you dont know how to act, nor expect and the fear of disappointment, embarrassment and rejection shine its ugly faces upon your circumstance.

perhaps it was out of impulsive boredom with life, or the uni air, but whatever it was i grew balls (not literally eww) and followed through. after a confusing semi-chase we finally met. and i do live by the golden rule that first impressions last. fortunately his first impression was a positive one and i found myself revelling in the short time spent with much curiosity, intrigue and internal smugness. his friendliness highly appealed and i hope that from this encounter, a friendship will spur. regardless of how creepy and weird it had all been birthed into reality.

so i guess, even though some things are only best left for the movies, or in ones mind or even as an unspoken, unconscious detachment from reality, one off things like this dont happen everyday. enjoy it i say. dont abuse, bemuse, fall into deep or obsess. we all know what i most likely am in this situation but the thing that differentiates another high school crush from this, is simply the amusing fact of how we met and this line ringing in my ears.

"don't ask yourself why did he do this to me? ask yourself why did you let him?" 

love,

ps. this headline made me laugh.
pps. go on stalk a handsome stranger, i dare you (until you get an AVO then you're fucked haha)

thought #82- me or the thought of me?

i think sometimes in life we are attracted to the very thought of being with someone, attaining that desired object, living out that fantasised moment. yet when the day comes to confront whatever that maybe we suddenly find ourselves questioning if we really wanted what is coming to us. sometimes it takes for us to face a precipice before we ask ourselves "do i really love this or everything that is associated with this?" was it merely a feeling, under the influence, which caused us to swoon or is it simply this?

i guess john mayer's question in i dont trust myself with loving you stands a reality that we must continually ask ourselves in life "who do you love- me or the thought of me?" just as my former favourite boy wisely shared "we have to be sure we want to be with the person and not the time associated with them." how true this rings.

so i guess it calls for us to re-evaluate the priorities in our life, the people we consider elite and privileged. especially with the person you adore. it must be asked: if things were to be stripped away, if daily physical contact was severed, if communication crumpled like paper to a fist, if time continued to pass, if contemplation was stolen by life's other jealous priorities, if everything was not on our side, could we still say we wholeheartedly love each other and know with internal affirmation that no matter what we still want each other and no one else?

love,

ps. could you still love me like this? haha

thought #81- secrets we all tell

why do i tell you all my secrets and expect you to not know anything?

love,

p.s. this photo was amusing, not really relevant haha.

thought# 80- an over-caffeinated thought

note to self: never drink substantial amounts of coffee as a substitute for dinner at an irregular hour of the day with the assumption that you will gain any sleep. i have a brilliant headache as we speak and from the annoying throbs of my brain i have a thought.

"I always knew, in the deepest crevasses beyond my gut, that we always belonged. Even when I didn’t believe it to be so, and even when you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I always knew. And it was in that instance, when you had also realised that you had always known, birthed the vast difference between always knowing we belonged and we belonged because we always knew." 

i take no offence if you do not comprehend. neither do i. its a ramble based on something or someone that appears in your mind at ungodly hours such as 2:45am. i'll leave you to muse haha. i am so thankful for the long easter weekend! may you all have a blessed time as we commemorate not the easter bunny or the goodness of chocolate that we gorge upon annually, but the real non-commercialised meaning. perfect sacrifice that lead to salvation and life. sometimes we've forgotten how jaw dropping that fact is. i think its time to really reflect on that (myself included). all the shit that dwindles in our lives are in no comparison to what we would expect without the power of the cross and sacrifice that jesus made to take our place. my goodness, it still makes me churn inside.

love and happy easter lovelies!