thought# 79- the end has no end

don't you ever feel like things in love (and most definitely lust ha!) are a mere vicious cycle of friends, strangers, lovers? don't you just loathe thinking i've finally gotten over him or things no longer affect me and then suddenly something will distract and obstruct and position you into that crumbling wreck you were before? sometimes its for a horrible taunt. sometimes its merely to tease you towards the reality that you may have carelessly thrown away something priceless in your life for the ephemeral pleasures of youth, impulsiveness and selfishly experiencing the world. in some cases it is also a wake up call, to remind oneself of the pathetic path of destruction they are following.

i guess this concept came to me suddenly when i saw former favourite boy last evening. although i was happy to see his lovely self once again it dawned upon me that although we have been removed from the awkward, frustrating phase of being strangers and finally back on the sojourn as friends i knew that even if i wanted to be lovers again (im not saying anything more. i know im the queen of subtlety but i shall leave it at this haha) that it would no longer rest on my own failing whims and foolish desires. that it would all settle upon the shoulders of time and co-operation. i guess it also made me cherish, realise things i did not for awhile especially nearing the conclusion of 2009.

so where will the cycle end? i am yet to find out. i just know that in life it is necessary for things to cease. like being immature, or that packet a day habit, or gorging to replace your failed romantic fantasies haha sometimes its better to not even muse over such matters. im just hoping that when the cycle ends, it'll halt at where i was hoping it would.

love,

ps. EFF STORY OF MY LIFE! haha

thought #78- same feeling, different people

i like the way you crane your neck and hold your skull, ruffling your tousled locks in the process. i like the way you tap on the desk, like rhythmic pulsation in sync with one's own heartbeat. i like the way your eyes remind me of glass windows that i am ever tempted to throw a stone at and explore inside. i like the way you scribble in your little black book, nod to yourself, hum hum hum, sip your tea, epiphany, scribble and repeat again. i like the way you can spend an entire afternoon with nothing but your holga and a piece of chalk; writing our names on the pavement whilst watching and snapping people tread all over it (that way you know fragments of you and me go wherever that stranger goes too). i like the way you open up ancient atlases, randomly find a location in the world and tell me we'll escape there one day, just the two of us. i like the way you never call but never forget to write me a post-it note on my doorstep. i like the way you like to wear your grandfather's sweater. i like the way you're dishevelled yet sophisticated. i like the way you're one huge irony in human form. i like the way you buy me quirky m quaint ashtrays every time you visit the markets or leave the country, yet refuse to buy me cigarettes. i like the way you purposely say things just to see my face cringe at your horrible romantic notions. i like the way you call me strange names from strange books we read together on a sunny afternoon, reclined on beach chairs and sipping wine. i like the way your face lights up (literally), and your inability to concentrate or sit still when you have something exciting to tell me. i like the way you tell me the truth, like how shit my cooking is, yet still eat it because you know how hard i tried. i like the way we dance in the living room in the dark. i like how you are the greatest, yet so very marred and far from perfect.

i don't like that we share the same feeling. that you can write your own list about someone else other than me...

love,

ps. birthday wish #935737593- a holga! froth haha. 

thought #77- this is how my heart behaves

i yet again blame this emotional ramble on that time of the month haha. not really, im just far too tired to think, so here's a song. one of my favourites from feist. this song is beautiful, blunt and kind of wants to make you throw yourself off a cliff. amazing, nonetheless.

This Is How My Heart Behaves

What grew
What grew and inside who
First so simple was the vow
Then the chorus sang about
Your shoulder
The mooring for me
Like water lost in the sea

The cold heart will burst
If mistrusted first
And a calm heart will break
When given a shake

I'm a stem now
Pushing the drought aside
Opening up
Fanning my yellow eye
On the ferry
That's making the waves wave
Illumination
This is how my heart behaves

The cold heart will burst
If mistrusted first
And a calm heart will break when given a shake

(How her heart behaves)
The rain rain making me cry
(How her heart behaves)
Then the wind comes
Fanning my yellow eye
(How her heart behaves)
The waves wave the waves wave
This is how my heart behaves

A cold heart will burst
If mistrusted first
And a calm heart will break
When given a shake
The cold heart will burst
If mistrusted first
And a calm heart will break
When given a shake

What grew
What grew
What grew and inside who 

love, 

ps. gaspard, you make me froth just at the thought of your cute little name and amazingly french facade. my heart wouldn't know how to behave in your presence haha. 

thought #76- i thought you thought

i am a repeated offender of many things. falling in lust, overanalysing, selective hearing, misplacing my patience, being harshly blunt, being overtly (this can always be argued) romantic, denial, pretence, nasty unhealthy habits, wrong timing and the list could potentially perpetuate. but there is one thing that i cannot stand yet find myself pathetically doing over and over again- assuming.

my dear lord, how this practice makes me groan. i absolutely get the shits when i think about how assumption and i have become friends instead of foes over the years. i sigh whenever i think that the only excuse i have is "i can't help it." i mean if only "i can't help it" could actually rescue us from our foolishness. imagine a cheating jerk having sexy time with some sluzza was caught in the act by his girlfriend... "i can't help it" really doesn't cut it as an alibi does it? EXACTLY. so i can't justify why i always assume through this paltry little statement.

i think i've just grown accustomed to assuming things. being the naive, lovely little thing that i am (*choke*) i tend to assume the best of people. now that is not a bad thing but without an inch of wisdom as your support you can expect only one thing- hurt. and a shitload of it. if there is anything that i learnt from years of loving and losing friends, more- than- friends and i- wish- we- were- more- than- friends is DON'T ASSUME. find out for yourself. be clear, specific, ask. don't just think you thought they felt the same way or they wouldn't get hurt or they knew what you were on about.

sometimes we get into this nasty habit that we think the opposite sex are mind readers and know exactly how we feel and what's going on inside of us. sadly this is not the case and as subtle or blatantly obvious we can be, miscommunication and misunderstandings remain as realities. do yourself a favour and stop assuming. save yourself from another embarrassing heart break and let them know or let it go. i know its easier said than done but whose tired of having another "i thought" pulverising their lives?

definitely me.

love,

ps. just don't do it haha. 

thought #75- reverse psychology

i think my life literally operates by this theory. i dont think its just a matter of the mind or is limited to chance or coincidence... life is riddled by reverse psychology. i have come to this conclusion through many years of close observations and patterns of existence especially relating to relationships and the perplexing subject of the male species. everytime im slightly more keen, ready, willing to explore a relationship, expectant and secretly thinking to myself "ok, unknown mr. right for me, i'm ready to be found now!" is when no one arrives. its as if all men have deliberately retreated or been sucked in by a black hole or are utterly ka-chh (the sound of whips) by other gorgeous girls who came earlier and charmed the pants off the gorgeous men you thought you perhaps had an iota of a chance with (no matter pathetic and uncalculated you based your fancies upon). then when you are in no position to be given fragments of your heart away, when you do not desire to be tied down to the committed and the potential drama that comes with having a romantic relationship, then they all suddenly appear. perhaps only to torment you at the saddening reality that just because timing is not correct... you will leave this season alone and single and back to square one.

what a vicious cycle. and yes it is a bitch and great big kick in the gonads. but reverse psychology believe it or not may not be fun or appealing or lovely or convenient at the time but have you ever paused to think that... maybe this reverse psychology is a test of building who you are. your character, your ability, your trust and faith? perhaps it is in this taunting game of singleness and the encounters which leave us bruised and abused that we are being refined to withstand and deal with relationships in the future?

i truly agree with the statement that "you know you're ready for a relationship when you've learnt to be single." i think one can only truly value and give wholeheartedly to another once they know what they're giving to others. you must find who you are and who you were called and created to be as an individual loner before you go off trying to collect hearts and piece your own with others in the hope of creating a complete picture of satisfaction and love. its useless to find love if you don't know what it is.

so i guess no matter how shitty reverse psychology can make you feel. its for your own good haha.
oh and btw the hair cut when great. i love crops now. i dont even care about enduring boy jokes, as long as it cuts my morning preparations and allows me to leave the house without use of a blow dryer i am fantastically blessed HAHA oh and colour is going off! tomorrow is the last day already :( but so far the feminine heart is being amplified this weekend! i love the sisterhood :)

love,

thought #74- not today, not tomorrow

tomorrow i will:

1. awake at not exactly 8:00am. groan, stumble and shower.
2. wait at my bus stop, disguise my fatigue through sunglasses (regardless of the sun or cloud), cringe at old men who slow down their vehicles or beep and curse at the lateness of my bus.
3. board my train from blacktown, fight to get a window seat and simultaneously sleep and brood until i reach strathfield/redfern.
4. attend my marketing tutorial (now without the fear of knowing where i am going). wait at the door momentarily because i am five minutes early and perhaps greet the beautiful, trendy girl who stood next to me last week.
5. power walk from building 5 to 4 whilst eating a form of bar or fruit.
6. attend my marketing lecture. skimming and perving throughout the whole 2hr period. perhaps sit near mr polo and muscles and once again pay no attention.
7. leave university and board a train to town hall. meet up with gracie and chatter about life, love and the regular.
8. enter joh baileys at myer city and finally get my break up hair cut.
9. can either result in fitfulls of tears and regret as i leave in utter disappointment or smile in triumph. HAHA

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

10. forget how shit you make me feel, ignore my patheticness, feign i don't care for the 9597590475th time. move on.

love,

ps. i rediscovered this randomly on my own computer. circa 2008. the cleopatra wig haha. 

thought #73- so close to being so close

i think we’ve become so accustomed to “almosts” in life that we fail to recall or value the worth of wholehearted, completeness. we’ve become so comfortable in being almost lovers, almost friends, almost graduated, almost an adult, almost committed, almost here. in between the crux of closeness and half-heartedness.

most of the time we’re not even conscious of this. as if its some part of unspoken tradition, an unknown culture. its normal to not give yourself all away. its the sane thing to do right? why would you ever give all you are to something that may rip you apart in the end (not to be so cynical haha).  i think ive personally become so used to the almost attitude in life that when i suddenly want to give myself totally to aspects of life i feel unfamiliar, frightened, not right.

but that’s how we are called to live. i guess we could settle for being almost anything and lose the value of completeness. i guess we could preoccupy ourselves by being half-assed. i guess we could be fine being so close to being so close yet forever being taunted by the unknown, undiscovered distance between almost and there. so next time you fall in love, next time you want to succeed, next time you want to give flesh, bone, heart and brain,  be prepared for the heartbreak, disappointment and maybe "not quites". be prepared to know that if you give your all you may not get it all back in return. but that’s the only way to love and exist. i mean you are human after all, you're not supposed to have everything intact, you're not supposed to know togetherness in your carnal, mortal nature. but at least you can walk away, get hurt, toughen your skin and learn wisdom, see that you were made for something much more than yourself, without having to ever say “ i almost got there.”

love,

ps. almost. 

thought # 72- im your one way street

dear mutuality,

i absolutely do not get economics. and so instead of thoroughly and vigourously getting my study on, i am once again musing on unnecessary, useless shit (you). i simply cannot put it in any kinder terms haha. i have been feeling things have neither progressed, blossomed, been elucidated, explained, birthed etc. things feel like i'm being chased by those huge boulders on that hilariously painful japanese gameshow mxc, or perhaps entered an elevator with only the down button working. i feel i've been ignored, discarded, used, abused and once i again i know very well things would come to this place YET in all my utter stupidity and emotion fuelled like for you allowed this all.

i miss you. i miss how you used to eliminate feelings such as these with your presence. i miss how your little face would shine upon a situation and things would be dealt with in togethers instead of me giving, giving and giving. i miss that i didnt have to care (in that way) and now that i feign that i don't, its obvious im being pretentious.

so i guess this evening is another a battle for you to return. but i know its not my place, the answer is not for me, and as long as i don't know and as long as i allow this to be, i will always remain as your one way street. giving away remnants of myself with nothing to exchange, clenching my fist at memories, loving strangers, creating dialogue with myself, asking you, mutuality, to support my fucked up fantasies. though i know you are fair, and i know you will always nod your little head and comfort me in words of "welcome to reality."

love,

ps. sometimes you feel like placing this post infront of yourself haha.

thought #71- catalyst

today is a brilliant day. especially since the past few weeks have been a regurgitated concoction of annoyance, ignorance, frustration, trampled hearts and unpleasant silence. i can wholeheartedly say i am happy. i know sappy and emotional but true. things are looking brighter, hope is being restored to my universe and the shit that ive been experiencing are slowly evaporating into understanding. people are co- operating, friends and strangers are causing me to smile and become amused, friperie is making me busy and blessed, uni is delightful (so far haha) and i am more appreciative of this future that awaits. this doesn't by any mean crush any bad days nor does it assure me of problem-free existence for the future. i am just happy and thankful.

love,

ps. this made me laugh uncontrollably. im slightly embarrassed now haha. circa 2006

thought #70- i don't expect anything

so my day was a concoction of bitter humidity, perpetual bus rides, puking behind the loved up couple in the front seat, shattering the anti socialism and meeting new friends, falling asleep in my economics lecture, walking past mr ralph lauren polo model (aka my stranger crush), impromptu shopping at market city, meeting up with mads, consuming gloria jeans whilst talking about the past, present and future, being loner at the library, visiting a five star hotel with father, feeling smitten by the adorable office boy reading "enriching your prayer life," sitting adjacent to me on the bus home and everything that lies in between. it was particularly eventful yet only one thing (apart from my battle with slumber) stuck with me until this very minute i find myself tapping away at the subconscious beatings of my little, confused and slightly marred heart- expectations.

i mean expectations have lingered since the day you were conscious of hope, however, i find that this transitional, important time in my life where things are beginning to change, new atmospheres, new relationships, turning eighteen etc etc. has caused me to pay greater attention to the expectations i have conjured regarding this present moment of life. since forever, i have had dreams or pathetic little visions of what i thought life after school would look like. some having been fulfilled, others yet to be seen. and then others have been nothing but surprising disappointments (refer to my thought regarding disappointment).

i guess the thing with expectation is that you must be prepared for both the fulfilment and failure. sadly i was too focused on the optimism and forgot that life doesn't revolve around the accordances of my plans but under His.' nevertheless you can't erase the people you thought you could still call friends, the places you thought you would visit regularly, the days you would still find familiarity with. you expect them to be all part of your life, then suddenly change in its rude, interrupting yet almost always needed time arrives and your expectations are left like discarded gum stuck to one's shoe.

i guess the moral of this all is not to turn you off expectations. be expectant, life is not for the lazy. existence is. but when things don't go your way or how you hoped it to be don't lose heart. things will get better in time. its all in time. the worst that you could do now is never get up from such a disheartening blow or to declare over everything that is important to you "i don't expect anything."

love,

ps. not really relevant to the story, but this did make me miss school and hsc advanced english HAHA

thought#69- we're all a little wuss at heart

"there's nothing to fear but fear itself."- franklin d. roosevelt.

i adore this quote, besides the fact that i discovered it whilst reading my beloved abby hayes books (my primary school obsession), but simply because it screams veracity. fear is one of the most amazingly complex concepts in this world. its so closely connected to the core of humanity and the commonality we are certain to find among strangers. fear comes in all degrees, all variations, some superficial, odd, common, uncommon, profound, traumatic, from birth, as a result of an experience. whatever it is that makes you cringe inside, question, doubt, freak out, close your eyes and pray to God Almighty that you won't die after/from it. that is fear.

why do we fear? many people can go on to philosophical, psychological debates but seeing as i am neither qualified or smart enough to even expound i will try to answer this perplexing question in my own terms. we fear because we both know and don't know. we fear that sometimes we need to end things for the better, we fear because we don't know how the other person will react, we fear that we have lost a friend and a favourite over bitterness. we fear confrontation, we fear we have nothing left to say yet so much more to explain. we fear that it's over perpetually. all of this we subconsciously know, yet don't (esp. the outcome) at the same time.

as much as fear is a natural human attribute, so is courage. its not bad to admit you're afraid but to live on and still do it, now that is bravery. ferocity isn't being foolish, neither is it feigning that you're not afraid of anything. it's being afraid yet still doing it. besides you're not alone. you have a universe of support and the one who made you. the unknown is always frightening yet can be exciting. don't fear it though, embrace it. as we should with change. regardless if its for the better or worse. accept the past and preoccupy yourself with the present and beyond.

so i guess, it's ok to be afraid but it's not ok to be a coward. as much as i hate having to affiliate taylor swift to anything, her album title is what you should exactly aim to be. but remember it can only be done not with your own might.

love,

ps. no surprise this came up first upon google searching "fearless" HAHA

thought# 68- its such a shame we become anonymous in heart break

heavily inspired by mayer's heartbreak warfare i bluntly scribbled out a song yesterday, whilst nursing a headache and cursing the horrible gloomy weather. i guess i could recount on how placid my day was, how i endured public transport and back breaking textbooks and starring at a handsome stranger (not from my course) and walking past people shooting a film/tv scene on railway square and remaining anti-social at every opportunity to befriend (sigh) and seeing so many toonie students at blacktown and laughing hysterically at my parents on the subject of teenage pregnancies and everything else in between, but it wouldn't really capture the essence of what my thoughts revolve around these days. its funny how it only takes one song to elucidate things that would take ramblings to even get a gist.

so here it is, forgive the sketchiness. it was done very quickly and unedited and so emotional that it might no even make sense. but then again, isn't that what describes humanity? haha

anonymous in heartbreak
020310


verse 1:


when two must part, and one departs
who is the winner?
the one who said goodbye,
or the one who refuses to cry?
those two will meet other lives, 
less hurt to be glorified, more love to be memorised.
and eventually the two will be unheard of...


...its such a shame we become anonymous in heartbreak.


chorus:


tell me who is the winner, who is the victor in heartbreak?
who is the loser, the defeated contender in heartbreak?
there is no such thing (x2)
when we both become strangers and neither one leaves with smiles on their faces,
its a shame we become anonymous in heartbreak.


verse 2:


when things must end,
who will defend their autonomy?
the first to say sorry or the one in a hurry to forget?
who is the loser the one who's more bitter or the one who feigns not to be?
and eventually this will become part of history...


...its such a shame we become anonymous in heartbreak.


fin. self-explaintory.

love,

ps. no im not desperate, or lonely, or hopeless romantic, or quixotic, or idealistic, or nostalgic, or wanting things to be mutual, or in love, or in lost or sad or confused or in regret and definitely not in denial HAHA