i absolutely do not get economics. and so instead of thoroughly and vigourously getting my study on, i am once again musing on unnecessary, useless shit (you). i simply cannot put it in any kinder terms haha. i have been feeling things have neither progressed, blossomed, been elucidated, explained, birthed etc. things feel like i'm being chased by those huge boulders on that hilariously painful japanese gameshow mxc, or perhaps entered an elevator with only the down button working. i feel i've been ignored, discarded, used, abused and once i again i know very well things would come to this place YET in all my utter stupidity and emotion fuelled like for you allowed this all.
i miss you. i miss how you used to eliminate feelings such as these with your presence. i miss how your little face would shine upon a situation and things would be dealt with in togethers instead of me giving, giving and giving. i miss that i didnt have to care (in that way) and now that i feign that i don't, its obvious im being pretentious.
so i guess this evening is another a battle for you to return. but i know its not my place, the answer is not for me, and as long as i don't know and as long as i allow this to be, i will always remain as your one way street. giving away remnants of myself with nothing to exchange, clenching my fist at memories, loving strangers, creating dialogue with myself, asking you, mutuality, to support my fucked up fantasies. though i know you are fair, and i know you will always nod your little head and comfort me in words of "welcome to reality."
love,
ps. sometimes you feel like placing this post infront of yourself haha.
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