thought #257- oh i'm tired

i really am. i am mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted as we speak. as much as i've loved and breathed and existed in every moment that has been these past few months and the very last semester of my undergraduate degree, i'm drained as an iv drip. i don't think i've ever felt this skeletal and hollow in my entire life. i guess the months of sleep deprivation, spliff and cigarette chaining, constant heat, soup dinners and perpetual intoxication has really taken a toll on me. it has been one chaotic party that i've loved, cursed and come out with a repetitive morning after feeling in my bones. it's actually caused me to stop and think for a minute. about the frightening impending future, about what i want to do with my life, the condition of my soul, the people i've grown to love and the ones i've left behind. it's really caused me to open my eyes to how easy the downward spiral can be, it's also opened my eyes to how hard the upward climb back to reality, to morality, to conscience and to what i believe is right.

i feel like this carnal fun, these days of bliss has blinded me from what my purpose in life really is, about what i hold dear and who i ultimately trust. sure it's fun and games but it leaves you empty, fucked up, without any way to get back what was lost. i'm not saying i regret everything that has happened because it's been such a brilliant, mind-blowing experience. life lessons have be learnt and people have been met. i can truly say i can never be the same again. i've encountered the world, i've been happy, i've been hurt, i've been wanting and i've been questioning. i've had doubts and i've had delights so i would never trade it for anything else. but at the end of the day, there is more than this. i don't want to die being remembered as merely the person who went off the rails in uni and nothing more.

life is far beyond this perpetual party. it's about real life decisions, it's about being selfless and making a difference. it's beyond the glory days of university, it's beyond the hedonistic, risk-taking adoption of YOLO. it's about reaching out beyond your physical self and finding joy and life and love in an eternal way. it's about finding a way to not be so tired anymore.

love,

thought #256- how to love

dear you,

to be honest it's hard to wish you well when part of me wants to rip you into shreds and punch that beautiful face of yours for being so inconsiderate and selfish. it's hard to feign that your carelessness doesn't phase me. it's easier to cause controversy and rely on being upset, but what will that do? will that make you love me? will that conceal the wounded gaping part of my heart? or will that just make me look like a desperate, overly attached jilted secret admirer? but i guess in this circumstance and situation, i choose to be happy. i choose to be the bigger person. and i don't think that will happen overnight. i don't think it'll even come to pass the minute you leave. it will take an unknown amount of time but it will happen and eventually you'll be put on the mental shelf as another life lesson learnt the hard way.

as much as i hate admitting it, feelings were involved. mine anyway. as much as i wanted to be as detached and indifferent about you and everything revolving around you, it just couldn't be. you were my oblivious first. you had no choice in the matter. of course i was going to get attached. i wish i told you, then perhaps we would of never did what we did and acted the way we acted and subsequently i would of never been in this fucking place. but once again life lesson. technically you didn't/don't know and i'm not even your girlfriend so i have no right or authority to be upset. but how can you not? when someone you secretly could have given the world to with such ease, someone you barely know but want to know, someone who actually meant a great deal for not doing much, is entertaining another and not giving a shit about you. it really sucks being second best. the last resort, another option, the "been there done that".

i don't wish i was yours because i don't think you would of cared as much as i did. i don't want to be the one that loves the other more. i should of seen the signs, i should of tended to the signals but somehow my idiotic heart convinced me that you would come around. but you never did. i hope when i  do get over you, i can truly see how repulsive and unfair you are right now. because right now all i see is you leaving and me never seeing you again. all i see is an unsatisfied lust that i need to get out of my system.

i hope one day, be it tomorrow, two weeks or twenty years later, you'll come to realise. i hope you regret dealing with this all the way you did. i know it is much to ask but i hope you remember me as the one who got away. and even if you forget about my existence and i fade into banality and we never meet again and you live a fabulous life (which i know you will), i hope you come to realise how immature you acted. i hope you see the way you broke my heart as a life lesson learnt the hard way.

wishing you well

love,

thought #255- the last leg

and so my north gower days are almost over and another part of my london town adventures comes to a close. how is it possible for 3 months to feel like 3 days and how can i feel so attached to people i feel like i've just met? this whole semester has been such a rollercoaster ride of emotions and ethereal experiences. i am so glad i chose to end my undergraduate degree on the other side of the world, engaged in true, standard student life. the feeling is bittersweet, part of me wishes i still had more time to be young and careless, sleep-deprived, perpetually baked, intoxicated and constantly on heat. it has been such a surreal time here. the friendships i've established, the moments that tested us all, the petty arguments, the exposure of real people's characters, the infamous bathtimes and the family dinners. everything has been such a lesson learnt. london has truly opened my eyes to the vastness of the world. it's broadened physical and psychological perspectives and it's really motivated me to strive more for the future. i can't complain, this semester has surpassed all others.

as much as i look forward to the comforts of home, familiarity and reality, part of me doesn't want to say farewell to life here. change is such a double edged sword. it's a ridiculous tease, the moment you feel you're comfortable and complacent, than bam! change and life take each other by the hand and fuck around with your existence and emotions and forces you to adapt once again. i actually thought to myself, what if i never meet any of these people again? it's disheartening and i hope we don't just all fade away into banality, however, especially since i naturally reside in the southern hemisphere this could potentially be a reality. i hope that when we do meet again, we'll all be content, happy and be where we want to be at that exact moment of our lives. that we'll scream at having seen each other again, provide innumerable embraces and european kisses and compliment each other on how well we've aged. we'll talk about the present and future over a good feed and bottles of wine, but dedicate time to reminisce on these north gower days, laughing about the people we kissed, the hysterical fits, the late night maccas runs, the time we made brownies, passing out after a bottle of wine and the night we had to carry so and so to bed. hopefully we can look back, with more understanding and maturity and feel like that time had to be experienced in order to appreciate, value and accept the change of what we have now and what we will have one day.

love,

ps. going to miss this crazy bunch. so much love for them all x

thought #254- nothing appears as it seems

just because i feel ready doesn't mean it's time and just because you were nice to me for one night, one moment, one week, doesn't mean you're a nice person at all and just because i think it's right doesn't necessarily mean it isn't wrong. just because you have a good life and lots of pretty things and a privileged existence doesn't mean you have the right. and just because you're beautiful externally doesn't mean you have a heart to match. just because i made a mistake doesn't mean i think you are one. just because i appear fine and unaffected and nonchalant in your presence doesn't mean it's not chaotic in the brain and the heart. just because you promised doesn't mean you won't tell and just because i care now doesn't mean i'll care forever. just because you can't say how you feel doesn't mean you're not feeling anything at all and just because i think you're immature and insecure doesn't mean i don't think you'll grow and find who you are in the future. just because we met under unfortunate circumstances doesn't mean meeting you was unfortunate. just because i'm hurt now, doesn't mean i'll never cease to be hurt. just because we can't be friends doesn't mean i never considered you to be one. just because i let you see my weaknesses doesn't mean i don't know my strengths. just because it's hard doesn't give you the right to think i'm easy. just because you're fucked up doesn't mean you will be perpetually. just because i couldn't love you doesn't mean i hated you. just because i'm saying goodbye now doesn't mean i'll never say hello again. just because i want to break your heart sometimes doesn't mean i don't want to mend it. just because you don't know who you are doesn't justify why you thought you had me all figured out. just because i feel ready doesn't mean it's time.

love,

thought #253- and for what?

everything happens for a reason. the feeling that died, the person who got away, the moment you didn’t take, the words you never said and that part of yourself you lost along the way. all for a reason. the time you didn’t use, the things you abused and the people you took for granted. the lesson you thought you never learnt and the growing up that reluctantly occurred in between. because one day you’ll see the answers come into fruition. You’ll sigh to yourself and say ahhh now I get it. because with patience, you’ll come to realise that you would of never birthed resilience into your system if that feeling still stuck to you like a gaping wound and the person who got away was not the person you are with now, and the moment you didn’t take saved you from real regret and the words you never said was a blessing in disguise and if you had never lost that part of yourself, then there would be no way for you to be found by the best thing to ever come into your life.

love,

thought #252- one nerve

dear feelings,

you're shit. to be fair, you've only been provoked by the actions of careless and inconsiderate handsome strangers, but still; you seem to never learn. it upsets me to think that your easily swayed nature will be the reason for me to crumble in front of people who have painted my portrait with their assumptions and judgements. i wish you were more resilient, more strong, more brave to steer me into rationality. instead i feel all you do is summon my insecurities and repeat my mistakes like some sordid director pleasuring in perpetual takes of movie scenes (life). i wish you wouldn't care so much for trivialities like  that jerk you can't stop caring for. i wish you weren't hurt over selfish stabs at your pride. i wish you could be the bigger person. sometimes i sense that you want to recede and eventually disappear. sometimes you cooperate with my mind. sometimes i think to myself how easier life would be if only you were absent. sometimes you are my source of pain. i wish you had the courage to not pretend that you're fine. i wish you would be candid sometimes because right now, there is a gaping wound where the best part of you should be occupying. 

love, 

thought #251- deal or no deal?

Apologies for the absence of presence these last few weeks! London town has been such an amazing experience so far. I already don't want to leave and it's only been a week and a half into the start of the semester! I can anticipate more crazy shenanigans, late nights studying and partying hard. Everyone in the flat is lovely and it feel real homey and fam which helps cure the homesickness to an extent. So to recount last night's fresher party was insane. Copious amounts of alcohol which resulted in a lack of toilet bowl to the head was actually quite surprising. Everything else that went down was also quite surprising. Apart from my ridiculous hour sleep and 9-5 Uni the next day of utter torture, I had a great night. I'll be honest the shit that went down last night has left me in a strange state. I'm not exactly happy or sad nor regretful or brooding I guess it's just a lot to process especially at how sudden things came about. I mean ideally I wish it wasn't as careless and indifferent and perhaps if feelings were involved it would of been better (but also worse) but I guess that's how things pan out. I don't know about the other party but I hope we get to a place of mutual understanding about things and realise that it's all part of the life learning experience. Right now I feel run down by my lifestyle of late and I'm actually looking forward to a chill weekend of just zoning out and getting away from it all. I just hope things don't escalate or disappear into awkward nothingness because I don't think I can deal with a semester of it. I definitely did miss home and suddenly felt vulnerable after last night which was very out of character. It feels like I've been very mature and emotionless about the situation but inside I'm about to burst. I think at that point I did wish I was in the company of close friends, family and familiarity. But I mean life goes on and things change and at the end of the day it's only awkward, bad or weird if you both make it to be so I'm just going to take it as it comes and not feel pressured to make sudden decisions over brash actions. I mean if it was up to me I wish I could say I felt happy about the situation and moment but I think it was more of an eye opener about what I actually want in life and who I am. It really stretched my moral boundaries & I hope one day I can look back on it more fondly or at least with a sense that there's a purpose for everything, a time and place to be feeling the way you are and that one day you can make the deal and you'll realise then that it was worth the wait.

Love,

thought #250 - it always works out in theory

So it's almost been a week since I packed my bags, bid Sydney farewell and giddily left for my exciting temporary London life. So far it's been mundane and tame but I'm not complaining because heck i'm a thousand miles away from home and I don't think this chance will come again any time soon. I'm basking in the lazy life before Uni preoccupies my days and I have to force myself to get back to the routine of study and normal human sleeping patterns. Perhaps it's homesickness or this ridiculous sudden change of pace and perspective for me... But it really feels like something a little life changing is going to happen soon and I'm both stoked and scared shitless by it all. I guess after all the honeymoon phase of independent bliss has worn off I wonder how I'll get back to the old life & if i can actually return. I know in sounding like a dramatic wench right here but I've never been one to embrace change naturally. I mean I tend to always be the one who is always complaining about needing to turn tables and see new sides, sights and faces but part of me is anxious to keep precious relationships and values and beliefs in tact... But what if it can't happen when I get back? What if I become so far off or suddenly deranged? I know I'm overreacting but I guess this desire for a new identity was much more easier said in theory than reality. But this doesn't mean I'm going to hold back in the life living and once in a life time experiences and opportunities that come my way in the next 6 months. It just means that I may do some crazy things and maybe make a few "learning" mistakes and I may change in perspective and attitude towards life and the world but at the end of the day it's all about keeping yourself true to who you are, who your Creator fashioned you to be and not getting lost in carnality or have your soul snatched up by selfishness. It's a big world out there with innumerable decisions to be made for a life only lived and given once... You do the math.

Love,

thought #249- London town love

after many months of the silent treatment, working hard for the monies and a relentless 20 hour plane ride, i have finally arrived in the land of perpetual dreary weather, reliable public transport systems, gorgeous accents and equally gorgeous men... london! i know i'm a little delayed in the recounting but i've been preoccupied with jet lag, adjusting to sleeping patterns, getting my way around, shopping away my monthly allowance and getting used to the reality that i'm in this alone. every time i think about it, the thought is bittersweet. i mean half of me knows this is exactly what i wanted to be half way across the world in a foreign country, finding fragments of myself along the way. but of course the latter half misses the comfort, familiarity and the favourite people in my life. but in totality i'm ridiculously excited about what will happen and how life will pan out for the next six months. yes the excitement is peppered with fear, frustration, uncertainty and temptation but most of all it's illuminated by this sense of hope. hope that whatever i was thinking before i left will find an answer or at least peace and whatever i am wishing for now will find its way here too. all this potential is making me excited. seriously all i want to do is wander, and get lost and fall in love and write about it and take photos. i know it sounds so whimsical and romantic but with a time limit on me, i'm prepared to temporarily bury my heartless, cold bitch demeanour and embrace everything. i'm actually looking forward to moving into the apartment and going to uni and perhaps even be social for once haha. until my next "wanderlust" entry about some crazy thing i've done... big hugs and love and missing home incredibly but loving each moment of being away.

love,

PS. the beautiful river thames.

thought #248- alternate realities

we would meet outside a pub, his body leaning with a peculiar deftness. he would appear confident, indifferent and effortless. his locks would be overgrown; facial hair. tattoos scrawled across his flesh. he would wear ripped clothing coupled with vintage and worn in leather. scuffed boots at his feet. he would talk lazily, a drawl summoned on his own accord. he would know no hue but black and white. his lips curled, he would smell of rich alpine, cigarette smoke and whiskey. i would watch him play, strum his guitar and recklessly plunge his throat into the unfathomable depths of a melody. we would share in cheap conversation, he would forget my name twice. he would offer me a paradise taken by the tounge. perhaps there may be a morning after.

we would meet in an office. at the very first board meeting. our eyes would casually rest on each other. it would be slightly awkward and we refrain from smiling at each other. he would be young and fresh from university. he would have hair the colour of sand tread upon by innumerable travellers. he would have a british accent and a lean, tall body that would somewhat hint years of polo and privileged living. he would be shy to ask at first but summon the courage to engage in small talk. he would eventually take me out to lunch. to sushi. we would agree on different dishes. we would find plenty of similarities and differences. we would leave flirtatious post-it notes on each other's desk. perhaps there may be a relationship in there somewhere.

we would meet at a mutual friend's wedding. he would be a friend of the groom, i a friend of the bride's. he would be a brunette, blue eyed, cute. unconventionally handsome. he would quote movie lines from every film imaginable and hum theme songs of television series habitually. we would be forced to engage in endless hours of torturous dancing and preparation. at first we would not be attracted to one another but as the weeks spent together accumulate, a sort of fondness lingers. we would spend the wedding day at each other's side. i would fall asleep on his shoulder and he would tuck me into bed. perhaps there maybe a call me after.

we would meet in a foreign country. i would ask him for directions and he would offer to walk with me. he would be handsome; older. he would be successful, conservative. he would mention that he was a widow but have no children. he would be emotional, yet driven. sensitive yet sensible. he would ask for my name and forget no detail in what i've shared. he would pepper our conversation with pearls of wisdom and paragons of proverbs. he would drop me at my desired location and tip his hat courteously. he will ask to see me again, take me to a deserted beach or mountain range untainted and unspoilt by human perversion. perhaps there may be an intimacy, perhaps an unorthodox connection.

we would have known each other all our lives, where we first met would be trivial detail. he would almost be a sibling. we would do life with each other and see other people. fall in love with other people. kiss each other at 13 on new years eve and feel nothing remotely romantic about the moment. we would engage in dead-end jobs, complain about the confining world of tertiatry education and spend weekends watching movies, emptying bottles of wine and rolling jays. we would graduate and i would move north and consequently leave him behind and he would feign that he didn't care, play platonic and distant and wish me the best and subtly hint the numerous flings i would have with strange european hunks. we would spend the last day before my flight in his bed, talking and crying and feeling pathetic but more so real. we would feel it, whatever it is. i would hate him for not persuading me to stay. he will refer to me as his best friend. perhaps there may be an ending to it.

love,

thought # 247- the human in me

i have this theory that whenever i open myself to someone or even consider the possibility of letting my heart work again (beyond its main purpose of oxidising my blood and keeping me alive), i lose my cool and fuck it up. always. i play it unromantic and nonchalant externally while my insides boil with suspicion, hope, hormones and expectancy. and it seems to be fine for as long as the chase can perpetuate. until it's revealed that the feeling is mutual and suddenly i am forced to ponder on the thought of actually entering into a serious relationship. and of course i don't, because i'm emotionally damaged and have commitment issues, which leads me to act as if i am in a relationship without the label. and then, served with a dose of overanalysation, things just go down hill from there. i get too needy, too anxious, too apprehensive, too easily upset over things that never upset me in the past. i begin to wonder and concentrate and dwell on some sordid fantasy that i've concocted in my mind and think to myself it's over again. over before it's fucking begun. it seriously happens all the time. i say i won't get attached but then i write about it in the middle of the night believing that this virtual vent will somehow ease the craziness of my internal condition like an alcoholic to his liquor or the addict to his smack. and i am so easy to deny it. to feign that i don't care, that it doesn't affect me, that i'm not making a big deal about it. but the shit thing is that i do. that a lot of things mean so much more than i say or reflect. i dislike revealing this, but its truly the small and quotidian things that happen in my day that make me feel assured. that somehow tame my qualms and make me not overanalyse. from the impersonal drunken text message, to the good morning call, to that tuesday lunch date to the saturday night skype session. for me, those small and seemingly banals acts are what keeps me sane. so to break from anything pertaining to routine in this case gives me the shits and makes me question whether things are falling apart.

i guess it's just the human, more specifically the woman, in me talking. i hope it's only being tired and wired and baked to the bone that's resulted in this awkward and slightly embarrassing confession. but i don't want to pretend anymore. yes i'm sad about it. but no i don't want to let it get to me. His mercies are new every morning. let's just hope this will, like every other feeling, boy, heartache, happiness and everything else does, pass.

love,

thought #246- the breakdown

to speak plainly, i have been single for awhile. however this has only be constrained to a merely marital title, facebook status and the centre of my typically depressing whinge tweets. because mentally and emotionally i feel i have been in some sort of single-sided relationship where i can't let go of the past for equally as long as i've been typified as forever alone. frankly it's become no longer a relationship with the former favourite boy but the thought of him. as a result of this, i have a question mark attributed to even the slightest smidgeon of thought pertaining to him. this unfinished business has led me to become somewhat sceptical, nonchalant and estranged from the idea of a real relationship with anyone else. for me, this situation is both frustrating and frightening. it's beyond the attempt of trying to find someone to blame or forgive. it's beyond high school crushes and frivolous feelings. it's all about the doubt and uncertainty we've let settle between us. this sort of veil that has blurred our real vision of what we see in each other. irregardless if i'm the only one thinking and feeling this way while he's moved on. i need this closure. but then i think to myself. do i really want this closure? i mean yes i want an explanation and some sort of light but do i want to hear that he feels nothing for me and sees no possible future, or worse yet that he still feels the same? will us finally meeting and sitting down and elucidating what years of trying to evade reality give us answers and let us move on with our lives like a light-hearted romantic comedy? what if it just makes things worse? what if it makes us want to try again?

and then there is the best friend. the person who has always been there as a platonic pillar of stability and sanity even during the times when former favourite boy still existed. the person you had always been attracted to but never tread on the notion of a relationship because you're just another one of the boys to him. i have much to owe and thank the best friend, for distracting me during the dark times when a lack of closure made me question ever being able to let someone in again and maybe falling for someone again. unbeknown to myself, i was doing this with him. that despite his encouraging thoughts conjured by my impending six-month trip to londontown and the possibility of finding a european babe that might once and for all get every horrible feeling of wanting closure and general amour for this former favourite boy out of my system, i was still feeling a little more than i should for him. i had actually surrendered my silly stupor of thinking i could get with my best friend and had almost buried the idea of thinking anything could happen for something we could laugh about five years later when this strictly friends business took a turn, that obviously altered the fabrications of our friendship. suddenly the possibility of what happens if something happens between us before i go? i know we agreed to not think that we're waiting on any of us but can we both handle the thought of meeting someone else while we're apart? and what about this amazing friendship that could potentially be ruined? suddenly i was potentially not only leaving behind a lack of closure but also the thought that i could be with someone if i wasn't going away.

suddenly it was some sort of sacrificial fuckery that i did not plan to be involved in before leaving. i mean the last thing i wanted before going was leaving anything behind and now i'm at the crux of potentially placing question marks all over my life here when i am too far away to fix anything over there. right now to be honest i don't know what i want. i do know that i still have a bit more time to somehow tidy things up so that i can leave on a good note. probably not a confirmed note, but on a basis where i'm on good terms with the former favourite boy and we've said what we needed to say and leave it to the future and His perfectly ordained time. and to leave where the best friend and i keep our friendship in tact and be prepared to get a little hurt if the worst case scenario comes and understand that our friendship may not ever be the same again but to know that if distance really makes the heart grow fonder and this is not just a phase then maybe it's meant to be. and as for me, i want to leave with an open heart about everything. to enjoy the experience instead of sulk and whinge about leaving people, places and familiarity behind. because i know for a fact that time will take its course, i will mature and experience new things and be enlightened and cultured and blessed and messed by it all. and if by chance that euro babe comes along then it's meant to be. If not then there's a greater plan and purpose to it all.

so with two and a bit more months left, here I go trying to mend the breakdown.

love,

thought #245: who knows where that might lead?

yes i feel slightly relieved and glad. yes i feel frightened and hesitant. yes i want to be with you but at the same time yes i need to get away from you. yes you make good company. yes i actually look forward to spending time alone with you. yes i feel i could snuggle in your presence perpetually. yes i sometimes have that feeling of wanting to kiss you. yes there's sexual tension. yes i'm happy that we're not together too and we don't have to be. yes i'm fine with being how we are and never having to be more or less than what we are now. yes we're still just friends.

and

no i'm not going to act like your girlfriend. no i don't think about you incessantly. no i don't want to commit but at the same time no i don't want this to be some flimsy carnal one nighter sort of agreement. no i don't overanalyse every little thing. no, these revelations don't have to change what we have now. no i'm not looking to be anything more than your company. no im not "glad" i'm leaving and no i'm not expecting you to wait for me.

and

maybe we'll get together. maybe it'll just be this one time we let our guards down and weaknesses dictate our direction. maybe it'll be one night or one kiss and that's it. maybe we'll realise we're meant for each or maybe we'll realise we're too much alike to be for each other. maybe we'll stay as friends and laugh about the time we almost became more. maybe we'll fuck this all up and stop talking to each other. maybe it'll never be the same again, for better or worse. maybe we'll never take the chance and remain frigid all our lives. maybe we'll be cowards. maybe we'll be brave. maybe one of us will stop caring. maybe one us will get tired. maybe one of us will cave in. maybe one of us will move on to who we're supposed to be with or maybe this is just another season in our lives where our task is to learn lessons from each other.

who knows where this is all going?

love,

ps. ah heart you illogical, risk taking bastard haha

thought # 242- back on the bandwagon

apologies for my cold shoulder treatment lately. it's been a concoction of busy, surprising, boring and cold (both to describe the state of my health and the weather forecast). since my last stressful post, i am feeling much less anxious and a little more at ease despite my impending final semester exams. before i divulge in greater detail about the changes and thoughts that have taken captive over my capacity to think, i must say these past few weeks of freed up space to think, muse, sleep, sing, indulge and spend quality time with some of my beloveds has been utterly divine. perhaps it truly was a blessing in disguise to have been let off from zanui and find time to actually live a little as opposed to my six day working week and full time uni workload extravaganza. during this time i've been honestly self-indulgent and rather reckless with my consumption of caffeine, cigarettes and junk food which, combined with the dangerous ingredient of freezing weather has caused me to feel lethargic, fat and unfit. but on the upside, i guess it's what i need to keep me sane. now onto the big stuff. firstly, i've gotten a job at the iconic doing content writing (what my previous job entailed). i start on monday and i'm beyond excited to get back to the office grind. just hoping my new family will be just as lovely as my zanui girls and boy. i am so blessed to have gotten the job and at perfect timing too! second, my free time has caused me to spend more time with one of my best guy friends. yes this is the boy i carelessly and non-subtly heartspilled over. to be honest that situation leaves me in some sort of mixed signal limbo. i understand that i stand very friend-zoned with him and though he is purely platonic with things, it's hard not to feel irregular beyond platonic feelings. it's frustrating to an extent and often very hard to tell but i draw the line at overanalysing and understand where i stand and let things come as they may. i do enjoy the company and i should be grateful that someone like this exists in my life to which i can be that comfortable. i guess sometimes being so compatible or similar in your weaknesses is what can be the hindering factor of it all. third is news about londontown. so after their horrific absence of communication, last week i was given news that i must renew my passport before an offer letter can be given to me. this important info that could of been mentioned a little earlier meant that i had to quickly renew it last week and am now once again back on the waiting game for my new passport to arrive. i guess i can only finally breathe easy once i've finally received the offer letter and can finally book flights and get my visa! what else is there? oh i got some new ink too. both representing and pertaining to my family. three lines for my dad, mum and myself which is also the vertical version of an equals to sign. and also a stick figure house (similarly to my childhood doodles). once they heal up i'm planning to add short hand symbols for goodness and abundance at the top and bottom of the house in relation to one of my favourite bible verses Psalms 65:11 "You crown the year with Your goodness, and Your paths drip with abundance."
 my addictiveness to ink is frightening me but i have one more planned and may stop after two...
i've also been rehearsing with the boys for an upcoming gig on june 9 saturday at mars hill cafe (shameless self promoting!) details are here: http://www.facebook.com/events/243280245773453
please spread the word and hope to see you all there!

i think that's where the excitement ends for me. hopefully everything just runs smoothly and comes to pass in His perfectly ordained time. hope i also get better from this horrible cold! take care my lovers and will promise to keep you posted and out of the dark more often now haha

love,

thought #241- Lost or just less found?

So lately and especially this week has been rather traumatic and stressful to say the least. I'm not usually one to engage in pressure tests but recent events and emotions have driven me to my wit's end. In one week the comfortable lull of my existence and routine has been interrupted by unexpected changes. Apart from influx of assignments, uni work and impending finals big game changers have reared its head. Firstly my job at zanui ended abruptly, due to downsizing. This was rather shocking and disappointing. I did enjoy working at the office and meeting these beautiful people whom I never really did get the opportunity to lengthen our chatters and lunches to after work shenanigans. The now sudden shortage of income has now caused a buckle in the savings but I hope to figure out my next step as soon as I get word from exchange. To be honest exchange has been the ball cruncher for me since April. I have been waiting ever patiently, praying to receive that acceptance letter but it he silence does frighten me. After receiving multiple housing offers I am still left in the dark regarding any offers and I fear rejection (especially in this case) may actually cause an internal crumbling. I don't know how much to express my desire to see Europe, to live independently, to taste the world and come back with broadened horizons, prospective job opportunities, more purpose and devotion and even that European hunk I've been salivating and saving myself for since forever Ahaha but really it is something my heart aches for and just the thought of not being given the chance kills me so much. I guess it's still hoping and praying and believing it will be good news for me. Then lastly there's the feelings. Lately my position romantic wise has looked bleak (lately? More like for two years haha). As I've articulated numerous times though the thought of a real deal relationship is appealing I think I'm in this stage and position in life where I just want to have fun. No I don't mean whore around and break hearts and spirits aha I just mean take things lightheartedly, don't rush, be brave and a little deranged at it but wise and guarded all the way through. And if that babe for me comes along in the process then I've hit jackpot if not I can save it for the settling down. I mean i admit this sort of mentality isnt for everyone but right now with the whole cosmos trying to grab a piece of attention, the less drama is all I could want. Recently I've been getting questioned about my feelings for the bestfraaaand and frankly I wouldn't say no to the chance, I wouldn't back out if it happened and i'd probably say yes if asked but the fact that this is all hypothetical is enough for me to believe its all a platonic companionship with us. Keeping our lonely selves occupied and being the gap between absolute loneliness and finding that boy/girl for each other. I think that's what it is and I don't want to ovrranslyse with a shitload of over complications imagined in the membrane haha. Plus let's not forget no closure probably the only guy I secretly and deeply down inside have never fully gotten over... Oh dear. Can you see why I'm feeling the heat? I crave for rest, peace, a Thai message, a Korean BBQ dinner, bud, retail therapy and good old chat with the Big Man. That's what I really want. Peace of mind.
Love,

PS. I want all these feelings. Like a flood. Right now.

thought #240- my best friend's wedding

so i think i'm in love with my best friend. well actually i don't. that's a fairly huge overstatement and i just wanted to be dramatic haha. however recently things have caused abnormalities in my typically and otherwise cold, pathetic excuse of a heart. now i don't know what it is (actually I do know since he's a mega babe), but i've had bouts when it comes to fancying this person. i thought i got it out of my system after high school and the notion of crushes and such were dispelled by the even more depressing notion of reality. other boys entered my life some momentarily, others lasting long enough to cause an indent (don't even get me started on that...) and somehow this person shifted from pretty boy fantasy to best friend material. we got closer and more platonic, secrets shared, life lived. he became someone i could trust and be comfortable with, someone who would remain a presence in post high school life. and soon after, life took its course, shit went down and we all willingly grew up. our penchants for cigarettes and ciders and movie marathons and dinners somehow just fit perfectly into our lives. things that i never noticed in my youth, i suddenly did now like his views and the way he thinks and how i totally understand and i think it is only recently, after having been single for awhile, that my internal struggle and the thin line that i dare to tread from platonic to paramour is even considered. but there are alot of things that frighten me to be in this situation. i am cautious when people ask "so do you like him?" because it feels like we're so past this question, this juvenile distinction between friends and lovers. i do but i don't (want to) and it's getting harder to deny that i have just friends feelings for this person. it's funny actually because i'm not smitten or feeling like im in dazed crush over it. i think its the company that really gets to me. the whole notion of spending the day with this person and feeling good about everything. now don't get this mistaken with the butterflies in my stomach, thinking about him everyday shit. it's just this feeling that maybe deep down, i could actually be with this person. especially since i don't want to be with anyone like that right now. this conundrum actually scares me shitless. but back to the dilemma.

first we're good friends. it isn't the same as meeting someone new at a party or from a mutual friend and engaging in the whole meet and greet and "see each other" kind of phase. it is actually a big deal in comparison to someone who for a moment intrigues and interests you and say if things didn't work out and he falls off the face of the earth that you wouldn't be devestated for life. i'd be gutted if we stopped talking forever over a trivial lovers quarrel. i mean what if we do end up being together, but we're horrible for each other and so we break up but it's just impossible to be friends again? there's way too much at risk.

second, the rejection. i know for a fact that being such good friends we are pretty blunt and non-secretive with our love life. i know i can tell this person much with confidence. for all these years he has never told me he's liked me or even hinted the notion. we've always been platonic, nothing ever coming close to intimacy. there's never been a drunk hook up to attach anything to, not even an i like you (year nine doesn't count haha). so there is a very big chance that a sudden revelation of my non-friendly feelings could result in an awkward rejection that could taint our friendship forever. i hate to overanalyse but there are moments that make me question. however i'm too chicken shit to ruin something that is great as it is. i guess i'll just have to torture myself internally... because at the end of the day it's a question of all or nothing.

third, am i just wanting a friend with benefits? as you know i'm in no position to be in a relationship at this current stage of my life. as horrible, carnal and ruthless as i'm going to sound right now i'm going to be straightforward and honest. i want a boyfriend minus the boyfriend. right now i would be content to be someone's girl provided we can go on our separate ways when the mutual need to move on is reached. i know, part of me thinks its impossible. that there's no thing as a mutual separation and there is absolutely zero consideration for what the guy wants (what if he actually wants a real girlfriend?) but seriously if someone could be that guy i would want it to be this person. purely because i trust this person, and adore this person and would never consider getting together with someone who will treat me as another number (from experience). It kind of doesn't help that I'm physically attracted to him (great).

but at the end of the day the three factors boil down to how he feels, and how i stand in his life. the thing is, i dont think ill ever get the guts to ask. even while intoxicated. because i fear hearing things i don't want to. i fear affirmation for the things i'm avoiding and i fear the most of shattering this solidified mutual happiness. i want to be happy as a friend. and when the time comes and i have to look back in retrospect, i can imagine falling in love and being happy with someone that isn't him. the thing is i can be happy to be just his platonic friend, and someone special in my life. but then again i can be happy with him too. but right now as selfish as it sounds i do want him. but more than that i want to know. and yes for the record i'd probably lose my shit the day he gets a girl for real. but i just don't want to end up like julia roberts being rejected by her best friend when it's too fucking late and you have to feign to the rest of the world that you didn't expect it to end that way.

love,

Ps. Fuck this overanalysation of a post :(

thought #239- Twenteen

i honestly cannot believe that in two and a bit days i will graduate from adolescence (numerically, don't know about in maturity or physical measures) and turn 20. am i excited? not particularly. but the aging process is inevitable and i guess i just have to be hopeful and optimistic about things the way i was at the start of 2012. i guess the whole confirmation of finally becoming a member of the 20's club just makes me even more daunted by my future and the thought of actually needing to get my shit together. in retrospect, the young, naive and former abi was really expecting too much from the now, older and maybe a little wiser abi of today. but that doesn't mean i've abandoned all hope and plans and dreams. there is still so much to be done. i can only hope and pray that i will be taken by where He leads and to stop acting so juvenile as i have lately. anyway i actually wasn't here to write a moody and brooding farewell to my teenage years (i'll probably do that on the day before my bday haha) i actually wanted to share me gift wishlist. another part of my juvenile practices that i seem to never get past. i've always made wishlists for every birthday and christmas and i guess this tradition won't be ceasing until maybe 30 when i realise i should stop being so selfish haha.

the birthday wishlist

• funkis clogs. i surprisingly didn't get a pair for christmas so maybe i'll be fortunate this time around. currently lusting over the high plait sandal pair in natural or the very high clog in grey (mainly because it's the only styles i don't have yet haha).
• and more shoes. since i rarely buy shoes, mainly because of my impossibly suitable feet, when i finally desire something, it comes in masses. my top selections (but not limited to this) include: 

• hunter orignal short classic gumboots in black (size 7) (i need these),
• mollini fragile wedges in black size 37 (divine!)
• acne pistol short booties (size 7) but since i'm more realistic i'll settle for something like these asos boots or sole society boots from the iconic (size 38)
• Cheap Monday Kloss Horse Peep Toe Boots in black (size 7)  (so in love)
•  vans lo pro black leather (size 7.5 i think?)
• converse all star embossed leather hi cut chucks in black (size 7) (i have an affinity for leather shoes as you can see).   

• vlieger and vandam guardian angel soft l black tote . i've technically already got the $$ to buy this but it's current sold out status has made me rather upset. i guess i'll just have to be patient until mid april... zzz
• Herschel Market Tote Bag cute little uni/day bag. 
• a new wallet. i am in desperate need of a new wallet. but this time round i actually don't want a real wallet, in a sense i'm not after those bulky space filling abominations. i'd rather have a small almost pouch like version, especially when i just want to abandon my bag and rid myself of growing posture pains. i'm tossing up between a cute comme de garcons, classic prada, ever in love acne, minimalist celine or edgey wang... or one of each could work too haha
• karen walker number six sunglasses  i have been dying to have these for ages now haha
• and a fuck load of clothing. especially winter. bring on the beanies, trench coats, cute knits, floral pants and everything in between.
• skins season 1-5 (the box set i saw at hum on king at newtown) is a must! 
• a boyfriend 

the last one not really (unless you're of that generosity hahaha). but i guess all this materiality will never compare to the gratefulness and blessings that twenty years on this earth has been. i can only give thanks to the Creator and hope that the next twenty will just go from strength to strength.

love,
 

thought #238- haven't come across one these in awhile

Could you have sex with the last person you text messaged?
hahaha no comment
Have you been upset the past few days?
yes, in bouts. Must be a girl thing.
Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past three months?
yeah
Have you ever fallen asleep in school?
yes
Do you have empty bottles of alcohol anywhere?
no gross
Relationships or one night stand?
relationships have always been of greater value to me.
When was the last time you were told you were cute?
on friday at dolli's 21st haha

Ever sat in someone’s lap because there were no more seats in a vehicle?
yes when i was like five
Do you have sex everyday?
no
Is there anyone in the room with you?
no
Can you honestly say you’re okay right now?
yes and no
What would happen if you were locked in a room with the last person you kissed?
... who was the last person i kissed?
Have you kissed the last person you texted?
no... not yet. hahaha kidding
Do you want a tattoo?
definitely. already scheming as we speak
Ever kissed someone that smokes?
yeah
Could you go a month without talking to your best friends?
no, i would go insane.
Have you ever found someone you really really really liked?
yes, sigh.
Think of your last two kisses, were they with the same person?
i honestly can't remember who i kissed... it's been that long.
Do you think you will kiss someone tomorrow?
highly doubt
How late did you stay up last night and why?
the usual 12-1am because i'm an insomniac and addicted to draw something.
What were you doing at eight am this morning?
rushing to get ready for uni
Have you cuddled with someone you weren’t dating?
all the time
Were you single on Valentine’s Day?
yeah, typical
Do you think someone is thinking about you now?
i'd like to say yes but that's just wishful thinking.
When you’re bored in class, what do you usually do?
go on twitter, draw something or doodle
How would your parents react if you got a tattoo?
they'd go ape shit
Are you a morning person or a night person?
definitely not a morning person that's for sure
Are you content with the current weather?
no it's so unpredictable and gloomy
Do you own many pairs of shorts?
not many
Do you miss someone right now?
i always do
Have you ever taken a close up shot of a flower?
um no?
When was the last time you had alcohol?
last night. pathetic i know.
Do you feel like you just need to be with friends and relax?
yes, i need a holiday
Who was the last person you texted?my favourite stranger
Is there a fan going in the room you’re in?
no
Have you ever relied on coffee to keep you awake?
yes
Have you ever worn a bra on the outside of your shirt?
no
Do you like being naked?
when i'm feeling liberated (or it's ridiculously humid)
Have you ever kissed a giraffe?
are you on mdma?
What’s the last thing you looked up on Wikipedia?
 "how to pronounce bon iver"
What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?
all my jobs to date have been a blessing. thankfully.
Have you ever gotten stuck in quicksand?
no
Can you whistle?
yes, most of time unintended when i'm blowing soup.
How many digits of pie do you have memorized?
3.1 (is it 4 or 9)?
Have you ever been in a pie eating contest?
no
Do you like watermelon?
yes, especially the watermelon flavoured rollies
Where’s one place you’d love to visit in your lifetime?
london (fingers crossed it becomes a reality this year).

Do you pick up pennies that you find on the ground?
depends
Have you ever painted all of your fingernails a different color?
no
What’s your favorite type of cake?
frozen cheesecake or ice cream cake
Have you ever eaten grass?
yes as a kid haha
Are you wearing socks?
no
Are you wearing headphones?
no
When was the last time someone played a practical joke on you?
a few weeks ago, my dad always tries to scare me
Were you upset?
no
How are you feeling now?
tired and almost sleepy
What time is it?
12:26am
What’s your name?
abigail ann cruz

thought #238- i could never belong to you

and it wasn't in the moment her face said things like yes and no, ever so carelessly like she was brushing off a date with the nerd to the high school dance. and it wasn't the fact that she was impeccably dressed, a vision in pastel pink. her innocence smothered by all that sex appeal. it wasn't the way she flicked her tresses, as if they were horses ready to gallop away upon command. and no, it wasn't in her fierce stride that made every man in the room melt and congeal at her feet and every woman wish they could either be her or kill her. it wasn't even the polite purse of her lips as if she were hiding its full potential, full bloom. but it was in the way her fingers slightly trembled, her infrangible exterior distracted by her nervousness. it was in the way she looked behind her back incessantly, as if waiting for someone to appear and get her out of this place. it was in the way she blinked, not rhythmically but as disjointed as listening to an orchestra without a conductor. yes, it was in her ersatz laughter that desperately clung onto every sound in the room, in hope no one would notice she wasn't having fun. it was in the fact that she was not altogether, not perfect, missing something so important. and i loved her even more for it. i loved her so much that watching her was as painful as being operated without anesthesia.

and as she excused herself from the crowd, she found me. her whole beautiful body pinned down by my presence. and suddenly she was unsure. what she wanted, who she was, who i was, what we were. and i cocked my head forward and bowed as you would to a queen, without malice, without jokes but because it made sense. and she smiled, stepping forward. but i stepped back. and suddenly she returned to being so unsure. all of a sudden self conscious and transparent. and i bowed again to her lack of totality, to her imperfection, to the blanks of her being. and she began to cry. because there was that horrible affirmation that everything was true. and everything we gambled brought us nothing but loss.  and suddenly that feeling, the same feeling i had as i walked away from her, was shared between us two. she would never be mine, i would never be hers knowing fully well that we were what the other exactly needed.

love,

thought #237- commitment phobia

the fear of commitment has never been an issue in the past. i am a dedicated person by nature. i'm never half assed when venturing out into the unknown be it a new hobby, a new semester of study (that can be argued) or in this case a new relationship. i guess consequently, as a result for giving away too much too soon, i end up feeling like the dejected, miserable little turd that committed to something without checking whether the other party was on the same page. even (and especially) during the times i've been conscious as not to get too involved but end up stepping into the deep end and drowning in my own patheticness. but lately, and to be honest i don't know if this has been conjured by terminal singleness or my hopes for leaving the country next semester, or my sudden apathetic and laid back approach to life in general, i've been feeling uncommitted with matters pertaining to the heart.

now don't get me wrong, this doesnt mean i've turned into a crazy bachelorette aspiring to have crazy monkey sex with a different man every night, get married to my job and live a lonely, meaningless life which i will regret at 85. hell no. i still want to find that man i am to commit myself to. i still want to get married, have babies, establish a career and live a life as an extension of myself and the real cause of humanity. i still believe that God has a big plan and bright future ahead. it just feels like now, at the tender age of 19 (almost 20), this serious stuff which i've been internally preparing myself for since high school has suddenly been put on hold.

i can't help think i've taken a male approach to this. and i don't ever intend to be a dick about it because i can still recount all too well how much it sucked to be in the position of the rejected. but honestly i just want some fun. i want to explore, enjoy life, taste what the world has to offer. i mean if by chance i stumble into the man of my dreams then it's an all go on my end and i'd be more than happy to commit. but until then, until that fateful day and until i have no firm reason as to commit then i'm going to life the happy go lucky life. i am going to be young and a little restless and a little careless. but i'll never forget my roots, my foundation, my Creator and my purpose.

i guess in summation i'm no longer compelled to find a boy. i'm no longer wishing that i was in a relationship like what appears to be the rest of the universe. i mean i'm open and receptive for you to come into my life but please don't think that i want to get serious. we'll cross the bridge when we get there. just please don't expect so much of me and i will do the same with you too.

love,

thought #236- if only you knew

and in that moment, that very moment she looked back and her hair dramatically flicked in an instance of brunette glory and her shimmery red dress (she saved up for three weeks to buy) embraced her tiny delicate body, i thought god you're so beautiful. and it wasn't in the way the other boys in my class would think when a cute girl walked past in the hallway, wolf whistling and salivating until her ass disappeared around the corner. it was the way an artist stood back to admire his painting in a sort of reverent awe or the way a husband would feel watching his bride make her way from walking down an aisle into eternity.

it was unbelievable. she was unbelievable.

and she waved and blew me a kiss and yelled on the top of her lungs that she would call me tomorrow before holding hands with that bastard from the year above. and he winked my way as if to say "good night sucker, i'm going to be riding your woman all night." and the thought made me nauseous because tonight they would fuck. not make love, fuck. and i knew she deserved only love and everything else; the necking behind the school building on monday afternoons, the feeling up at the drive-in movies, losing your virginity at a weekend party was meaningless. ridiculous.

she was worth far more.

and all i could think about, as she hopped into the car and stuck her head out of the window screaming how much she loved me, was the time i took her to the secret garden behind my house after her mother died. and there we sat with a bottle of cheap wine, a few joints and a goodbye note and it was perfect. we cried and we wrote our farewells and we voiced our fears and we sealed our future with each other. she told me how much she loved me and valued me and could never imagine herself without me and i thought the same but so much more. more than she could comprehend or ever reciprocate. and all the feelings of loving you and protecting you and wanting you creeped into me, past my skin and into the very valves of my heart and burst into an amazing reaction of hormones, emotion, adoration and the supernatural.

but all i could do was kiss you on the forehead.

and so i waved and watched as she drove off, her body moving further and further away until she was merely a single dot in the distance and in that instance i realised that in essence, i meant as much to her as that single dot. i thought it didn't matter how many times she appeared at my front door in the middle of night with tears strolling down her face because another fucker took advantage of her. and it didn't matter how many times we would fall asleep in each other's arms. and it didn't matter how many holidays and birthday parties and family dinners and funerals that we would both attend. because she had only visited the secret garden once and never again since her mother passed away. that time we were almost in sync that my heart ached. that one time.

just a single dot in the distance.

and in that moment, that very moment as i faced the opposite direction and lit a cigarette i thought the same thought that haunted me for ten years. if only you knew. god, i would of died to have you.

if only you knew.

 love,

thought #235- same face, new name

as you may or may not have realised or recognised, this blog has a new name. i thought it apt to shake things up a bit and bid "croire" farewell and to welcome the non permanent arrival of this epithet.

lacuna |ləˈkjuːnə|
noun ( pl. -nae |-niː| or -nas )
an unfilled space or interval; a gap : the journal has filled a lacuna in Middle Eastern studies.
• a missing portion in a book or manuscript.
• Anatomy a cavity or depression, esp. in bone.

for those who don't know what lacuna means it basically means a gap, a pause, a bridge into the next. i thought that this name was considerably appropriate due to the fact that it this blog, my musings, the thoughts that run deep within my system and life itself is one huge gap into the next. just a fleeting moment before the greater life we are called to live. a simple breath into what lies ahead. so i guess life is the lacuna. each memory i recount and musing i ponder over in retrospect are somewhat trivial and profound pauses. i guess it makes more sense this way.

love,

thought #234- he, she

here you are again complaining about the way she doesn't get you. about the way everything was so easy until someone had to put a label on it. about how she rushed you into it, about how you weren't ready but simultaneously unprepared to let things be. here you are wishing that somehow you could rewind the time to when it was all but a delusional bliss. everything made sense, you say, back then. nothing was pressuring, nothing was serious. let's see how we go, you both agreed. but now, in retrospect, you think that it must have only been you present at that agreement. she's too clingy, too moody, too distant, too bitchy, too difficult, too stubborn, too selfish, too much (too human, perhaps?) for someone like you. here you are regretting the effort you spent to make her feel like she was the most important woman in the world. how uncomplicated things should still be, if only someone didn't utter those words "i love you" and the other feigned they didn't hear. here you are again trying to discover what it is that she really wants from you. trying to understand why having each other just isn't enough. that somehow, all the happiness you once felt and associated with her presence has now been snatched from you. this, you admit, was all a big mistake.

and here you are again complaining about the way he doesn't get you. about how he has suddenly become someone completely different from the person you initially fell for. about how everything was so meaningful back then. the way he went out of his way to make you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. from the most tiny and mundane to the most significant moments. he used to make the effort, you tell me. he rushed you into it, time didn't seem to be important and you were too smitten not to let things be as they were. here you are again, swollen eyes and trembling voice, wishing you weren't so pathetic. that your goodbyes really meant goodbye instead of allowing withdrawals to be an excuse to cave in.  but now, in retrospect, you think that you weren't the only pathetic one in the relationship. he's too overprotective, too jealous, too narrow minded, too suspicious, too right in everything, too indifferent, too much for someone like you. how could you have not seen this earlier? you ask. here you are regretting on giving away fragments of irreplaceable heart, giving too much away and becoming so vulnerable. suddenly you realise how foolish you were to think that he was the best you'll ever have. if only someone didn't utter those words "i love you" and the other feigned they didn't hear, then maybe. maybe you could of saved yourself from you.

love,

thought #233- the author

finally 2012 has arrived and i couldn't be more excited and slightly terrified at all the prospects that will be birthed, adventures that will be taken and memories that will be etched in our minds and maybe the contents of our hearts permanently. as to continue tradition, it would feel strange of me not to divulge the unfolding of our new years eve. most of it spent in a blur of rekordlig, cigarettes, bonfires, ben's bed,  backyard fireworks, Seinfeld reruns and power naps. it was as chilled and messy as i wanted my new years to be and i am more than thankful for having brought in the new year without my face in a toilet bowl. i guess some spliffs would of been icing on the cake but i'm not too picky haha. what did get me thinking that night was the lovely conversations with my gorgeous friend ben. i guess the whole moment we spent lying in bed like an old couple talking and napping made me suddenly miss the affection, the comfort, the familiarity of having someone by your side. it was strange because in the past, feelings associated with this quixotic notion usually ended up with me missing my former favourite boy or a past insignificant crush. however in that very moment and in retrospect, i didn't think about anyone in particular. i just wanted someone to hold... as cheesy and pathetic as that sounds haha it was no longer wanting a boyfriend minus the relationship or just a straight out relationship for that very matter. it was just the idea of having someone there. sure i miss the lunch dates and the butterflies and the late night phone calls and the doing nothing. but it just wasn't what i was looking for. it was the physical, human company. in all honesty i wish i could of just held bens hand there in the dark or held on to him that night, not out of romanticism or to hint a fuck. but, out of what they call platonic bed buddies, purely for the sake of knowing someone was beside me and that the single bed was not extending into an all encompassing gulf and that he would be there in the morning and that would be enough for me. i know it's strange feelings to articulate and i totally understand if you're reading this thinking... what the fuck is she on about? someone give the girl a penis now! haha but really it's not sex. it's the looming feeling of loneliness and the desire to want to fill the void. the peace of having someone there and being content and knowing that this is happiness. for now anyway.

love,

 ps. audrey hepburn feels me.