thought #120- update

on the current state of my life as of the 30 jun 2010.

• as of june 25 2010 i am currently on holidays. thrilled to be mooching for five weeks.
• currently unemployed. still. but waiting for that precious call back.
• currently single. still. but not looking. heart in hibernation. after its catastrophic punctures for the past few months, its safe to say that its crawled back to its owner's refuge. i'd like to think that whatever happens, happens. but this has only caused me to be more cautious of who i let in and what happens really means on both ends.
• sleep deprived. still. but has fuelled her 4am mornings with skins online and fb bffl chats.
• finds friday and saturday as her movie and wine in bed nights. i know i am lame being legal and should be galavanting around kings cross and clubbing at every opportunity, but frankly id rather stay in bed with a good glass of spumante and the last kiss rather than get felt up all night. i mean i don't mind clubbing once in awhile (ie. july 2). but perhaps being a home body/child grandma makes me desire comfort first.
• is adamant to start learning how to cook. i want to expand my culinary artistry and knowledge. maybe for one day when someone special comes over for dinner.
• will finally be awakening friperie for its winter collection. i know its been long but soon, after i organise everything, it will open its little eyes and bring back the pre-loved goodness.
• getting back to writing. i havent written in so long, it felt my brain was going into a creative draught. but thankfully i have http://dearhumanity.tumblr.com and http://sounderrated.com to keep me artistically alive.
• getting back to singing. i havent touched the piano in awhile. so these holidays i am keen to start recording and punch those vocal folds into place.
• exploring. in more contexts than one. i can't wait for the innumerable dinner dates, bar visits, pub crawls and everything in between. provided a job is there to sustain me haha.
• is trying to be happy. because being indifferent or feral or raging or confused or pretending to be happy really just sucks balls. 

love,

ps. just think i might :) 

thought #119- you're not a martyr

you're an idiot. i realised this while consuming my delicious waffle at the lindt cafe yesterday afternoon. it was in this moment of scrumptious revelation, with the sunshine casting beautiful shadows across the darling harbour, with my favourite book at hand, that it came to me. there is a difference between patience, persistance and persecution with a purpose and blind faith, ignorance and plain thickness. to be honest i was kind of frustrated with myself. because i knew i could of avoided this, i had the chance to save myself from the useless feelings of anger and worthlessness but in a moment of hormone- fuelled glory, i chose to believe that i was a martyr. i was a martyr for a lost cause. i was feigning that things were great, pretending that there was nothing wrong being treated as another number, another non-serious human being unworthy of relationship (and i dont mean monthsaries or a wedding ring and a mortgage together) and connection.

then i realised why am i settling for this? why am i alright with being treated like this? no woman should be just another number. no relationship should be just a try before you buy. no one should ever go through having their heart excavated at the expense of spending the night together. god, it was this reminder. our worth lies in a greater purpose. a greater meaning. sure you can fuck around with whoever you desire, just don't get other people (who don't ask for much, just someone decent) involved. i really had forgotten that veracity. perhaps im the only emotional being in this world, but the moment you meet someone regardless of any romantic affiliations are involved, causes a connection. its impossible if someone says im looking for something unattached. you create connections from the very trivial conversations. someone means something to you regardless if its been a week, five months or seven years. so don't fall into false assumption of indifference.

but i guess this all about learning and living. one can't help feel bitter about it. i guess its not worth paying attention or effort when you know for certain that a result will not be birthed. i guess its just a reminder for myself and others i guess, to be wise. to guard your heart. to be picky. to not look at people from the perspective of toying their emotions at your pleasure. have the balls to walk away. because if he/she can't see the value of wanting to stay, then God is preparing someone better than you can ever imagine. now thats something to look forward too.

love,

ps. haha think again buddyyyy.

thought #118- warning sign

so i purchased another one of my favourite films today for seven bones. such a good bargain for such a brilliant film. armed with subway cookies and a glass of spumante, i watched it again. its funny how you can watch a film a million times and yet feel a different emotion or receive a dissimilar revelation every time. its amusing how circumstances, situation, age and life can mould any film into somehow being relevant for you. even if you arent an almost 30 year old, scared of commitment and about to have a baby with your girlfriend you just fucked over for a hot college student (brief recap there haha).

its lovely to think that the first time you watched this movie, you couldn't relate because you were only fifteen and no boy or the notion of love, sex and marriage ever rose to the occasion. and then its even crazier to think that the third time you watched it you were seventeen and the boy you adored, adored you back and any fears were dispelled by the fact that things were great. just great. and now you're watching it for perhaps nearing the tenth time as an eighteen year old thinking that long term commitment is not dawning anywhere soon and that perhaps your feeling a little distorted now but its nothing close to how the people in the film are dealing with... you can't help but still relate.

i couldn't help but see things in the film that somehow made me question things in my existence. the way you can hurt someone you love and still have enough love to forgive them. the belief that if you both want it to work it will work. the reality that things can end, and as flawless as your past was it can never be a certain indication of the future. learning from mistakes, giving into temptation, consequences of stupid actions, how to gain broken trust. and most importantly what the fuck is love? i mean yes they were all themes of the film... but the deeper, profound things really surfaced.

i guess it just came to me, suddenly i wasnt just that girl watching her favourite not quite a love story film about a bunch of decisions. suddenly i was watching it from the angle of a female being wondering the capabilities of human beings. the way we can fall in love and lust and hate and fear simultaneously. suddenly it made me think why do we bother to open our chests out and say "here's my heart, have fun" knowing very well that it isn't permanent? then suddenly you see through jenna's folks that thirty years of marriage and a wife who cheated doesn't equate to perfection, but it did mean so much more than their hearts. i guess it was the answer to why we bother. why we love.

because (call me crazy this is just my own unphilosophical or unmedically supported theory)  i secretly believe we are fashioned to only one person. we will love many. but only fall in love once. there will only be one person for us, regardless if your a polygamist haha. and we bother so much because we want that one person. that one person that is not much different from the last person we were with or think we should be. the only difference lies in that one ordinary person, is the answer to the question where is my love in human form?

love,

ps. this song is from the movie. its on repeat in my head... :S
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8oTT9r9978

thought #117- selective amnesia.

i kind of wish i had selective amnesia, then i would remember you for who you were. not for who you weren't. i kind of wish i had a mechanical heart, one that only i could operate and switch on and off at the sight of handsome strangers and malfunctions. i kind of wish i had x-ray vision, then i could see your heart and motives before letting you in. i kind of wish i had an inbuilt bullshit metre, then i could distinguish the truth from flattery. i kind of wish i had a timer, to let me know who was meant for me, in confidence. i kind   of wish i had a permanently pursed lip, to refrain myself from saying stupid things and scaring you away. i kind of wish meeting people, falling in love, realising it was lust, saying goodbye and learning to move on wasn't the vicious cycle that it really is. 

i can't blame the bitter souls. i don't want to be a hopeless romantic. but neither do i want to be cynical. there has to be more than this routine formulation of adoration. 

love,

ps. cute haha. 

thought #116- gonna take you away from home

oh how i adore angus and julia stone especially at this ungodly hour. instead of studying intensely for economics on wednesday, i find myself procrastinating and desiring nothing but to write irrelevant details of life once again. so this letter challenge which everyone has jumped on is quite delightful. i mean i would totally have done the daily surprises but frankly i cant be bothered. and i am bothered right at this moment. so im going to do it all in one post. i know im such a letterwhore, having a tumblr dedicated to writing letters already haha. but lets hope this will get me to sleep. these will also be the shortest letters ever. no essays, promise.

LETTER ONE-
Dear Best Friend,

I admit, I have been the shittest best friend lately. I have been so entangled by my own selfish and jealous priorities and have pushed you away. I'm sorry. When you should be first. Thank you, that regardless, you are still my best friend. Let's talk. Not soon, not tomorrow, not after this chapter to memorise. Now. I love you.

Love Abi.

LETTER TWO-
Dear Crush,

I honestly don't know if you still take this title in my life. You probably do, I just don't want you to anymore. Nevertheless, I have much to thank you for. We could of perhaps been a lovely two. Our imperfections never made sense to us but I was willing to love you anyway. I guess this is the part where we politely agree "Oh well. It was nothing anyway."

Love Abi.

LETTER THREE-
Dear Mum and Dad,

I've already written alot about you lately. Right now I'm frustrated at you both so I can't stubbornly see past our misunderstandings. But I know we will. Get past it, like we always do. I will always love and respect you both, no matter how I'm feeling.

Love Abi

LETTER FOUR-
Dear Grandma,

You are the closest relative (literally) to me. You are an inspiration. I love learning life stories through you. Thank you for teaching me to never cheapen out on fashion and to always keep red lipstick in my pocket. I can't wait till you turn one hundred and we get that letter from the queen. You will alway be beautiful to me.

Love Abi.


LETTER FIVE-
Dear Dreams,

You are innumerable. You seem to give birth every day. Some I hope to do in the near future, some a few years down the track. All I hope to accomplish. I hope to become a better human being by seeing you turn into a reality. If you don't happen to make an appearance in my life, it's ok. I'll know then that you were never meant for me. Thank you in advance for making me happy.

Love Abi.

LETTER SIX-
Dear Stranger,

I've always had a penchant for strangers. Maybe its the mysteriousness or the journey that waits to discover who they really are. I don't know if I will ever be your friend, or know anything beyond your first name. I would just like to say thank you for making my Sundays a little bit brighter. I don't mind us being strangers to each other. As long as I get to admire you from afar and concoct potential realities for you. Until we really do meet...

Love Abi

LETTER SEVEN-
Dear Ex- boyfriend/Girlfriend/Love/Crush

You will always be affiliated with good memories because we never had horrible times together. I still value you highly and wish we talked more often than we do. I hope we can still be friends.  I miss plenty of things but you are part of the past. Because of you, I don't need to dwell or remain fixated by a single year of my life. Thank you for teaching me to be unafraid of the present.

Love Abi.

LETTER EIGHT-
Dear Favourite Internet Friend,

I immediately thought of you when I saw the title. Thank you for keeping me company until the most ungodly hours of the morning. Thank you for making me laugh and smile with our moments of syncopation and desire for a Maccas run. I wish you lived closer. Until our city playdate, you will always be the boy in the polaroid entitled facebook bffl, stuck on my wall,  in my new home when I move out... unless you beat me to it.

Love Abi.

LETTER NINE-
Dear Someone I wish I could... BE,

I wish to be you because you are amazing. In more ways than one. You may have a better life than I, a better everything than I, but you are still human. So I guess I have to put up with your shit too. But the day you tire from being yourself, give me a call. I'll gladly take your place.

Love Abi

All lettered out. now the fun lies in guessing who's who! HAHA

love.

thought #115- i'm getting over you.

the twelve step guide on how to get over that person/animal/inanimate object.

step one: find every memory affiliated with that person/animal/inanimate object. permission is given to weep, become nostalgic, listen to cheesedick love songs and brood during this process. 

step two: delete and discard found memories expect for the one memory that reminds you of them the most. 

step three: take that memory and either give it to a trustworthy friend, place it in a chest and give the key to a trustworthy friend. find any effective means of removing this memory from your sight and possession to someone you know will not cave in and give you it back when you're screaming from the other end of a telephone line. 

step four: write three letters (length is not salient). title each "dear past you" "dear present you" and "dear future you" respectively. do not forget to add your goodbyes and goals of "getting over."

step five: purchase wine and create a bonfire. invite best friends. 

step six: read aloud "dear past you" do not record this moment. there must not be another memory created in the process of eradicating another memory. 

step seven: tear and burn "dear past you." in bonfire. celebrate with favourite music and more wine. 

step eight: stick "dear present you" on ceiling or wherever you will constantly see it. seal "dear future you" in an envelope and write "do not open until 2015" (or five years from writing letter). 

step nine: lie in bed for half the day. permission to grieve again. alcohol is also permitted. you may NOT write anything about them while this is happening.

step ten: take a walk outside or do something solitary but what you find personally enjoyable.

step eleven: give it time. refrain from speaking or communicating or being in contact with that person/animal/inanimate object until you are in the right state of mind and emotion to do so. 

step twelve: call trustworthy friend and give them the signal "i'm ready to be free." this will indicate to the trustworthy friend that he/she is able to rip THAT final existing memory or throw it away. ps. if you're feeling especially nasty, trustworthy friend may even send the final memory to person/animal/inanimate object.

i dont know if this would ever work in real life. i think its more of a fictional prose then a real life guide. but be free to be my guest and try. drinks on me if it actually does. 

love,

ps. talk about public break up? HAHA

thought #114- let's play platonic

i know i've been using the word alot lately but only because it has been imprinted in my sphere of thought and life so much. it feels like the word itself has become so hackneyed that if someone even mentions my name and the word platonic in the same sentence, i may find the nearest sharp object jabbed into the neck of the same person. but nevertheless it is a concept i find my life peppered with lately. ive always had this love/hate relationship with platoncy (is that even a word?). i've always loved it when i needed it, and loathed it when it was completely useless and tragic in situations.

the last few weeks of life, despite having zero sleep and horrible final exams in tow, have been trying to figure out how to befriend platonic behaviour. how do i be friends with someone i don't want to be just friends with? how do i pretend that i actually cared, that things were fun and games until i trod past an indelible line between flirting and feelings and how do i admit that i don't know how to go back and find where i trespassed? how do i care for this friendship while i get pulverised internally? it feels like a bad teenage movie. the best friend watching the best friend they love, love another. i know its sappy and pathetic but fuck does it feel like life right now. 

the thing i have to remember is that im NOT adamant to not be platonic. don't get me wrong i actually want to be the friend, i want to be the mate. but how can i be that when my heart is this stupid little shit that keeps trying to squash logic and reality? so basically, someone teach me how to be platonic? because i'm not doing a very good job at keeping myself jovial and indifferent simultaneously. 

love,

ps. i wonder if she's any good. might youtube her now haha.
pps. just found her http://www.myspace.com/hilarygaymusic she's actually quite lovely! love her sound. 

thought# 113- i'm a conformist

CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW:

DEAR HUMANITY,  

i have always had a tumblr, but it was only after being inspired by numerous sources have i decided to resurrect it for a purposes other than my own selfish ranting. it's called dear humanity, and it will comprise of short letters to people, one a day. people meaning strangers, friends, lovers and everyone in between. people i know personally, people i stalk privately, people i admire publicly, no one will be ousted from being a subject. so please check it out and if you want a letter merely ask/demand kindly and you will be put on the list (ps. if you want an anonymous/coded letter please state so, theres nothing wrong with a little mystery!)

sorry, due to the day only quota, your letter may take a few days- weeks to appear but nevertheless it will be there and queued so don't be frightened to ask. i hope it makes you smile as you read, as much as it has made me to write.

love,

ps. what my new baby looks like.
pps. don't fear, ill still be using this as my means of personal ranting and rambling. anything regarding wanting to be appreciated should be referred to the tumblr :)

thought # 112- be bothered

at the risk of sounding slightly hypocritical, i am quite tired of "i can't be bothered" as an excuse to mask reality. myself included. when did we suddenly have no more energy or strength or willpower to do anything? when was the last time we were actually bothered? i feel our days are melding into a series of meaningless disposition, starring in front of a computer screen, fixated by a television, against the door of a refrigerator, cursing a book we are forced to study. when out of the ordinary kindness is no longer existent and effort is surprising.

and as a result of our i cbb (i mean we cant even be bothered to even write that we can't be bothered these days) every other aspect and detail of our lives are doused with this attitude. suddenly its a mission to find a man who can be bothered to love you with enough effort to sustain your heart and yet not suffocate you. suddenly its a miracle to find a friend worthy of meeting up with you regardless of the  hour, weather and location because your call was urgent. suddenly its a fantasy to find people who put in more than just the required effort and go over and beyond to complete, bring joy, share a little generosity and amore.

i'm not saying that everyone should go and buy a house for their best friend to show them that they care, nor does this mean bombard that girl with a million text messages to show your dedication (that's just creepy). i mean maybe we should stop lingering in that cbb state and remind ourselves and the people we adore of the things that shouldn't be seen as extraordinary in the first place. scribble a little note of thanks to your parents, call up your friend randomly to see how they are, bake some cookies for your special friend, tell a stranger they look wonderful today (in a non- freaky, i just want you in my pants kind of way). even when you may feel that it isn't worth it. be a little bothered, maybe the world will show some bother back to you.

love,

ps. fuck it, just this once.

thought #111- holiday mode

so i'm trying to find every possible reason, excuse and alibi to not study for tuesday's management final exam and as a result i have concocted some possible holiday options on a peasant's budget (if that is even possible?). and so begins the listing and the wishing and waiting in the hope that reality doesn't disappoint and winter finally gets into my good books.

abi's ten things to do this semester break:

1. visit the bavarian bier cafe and have an anticipated metre long schnapps train.
note: if i pass out, convulse or anything of the like, burn every photo of evidence. also don't believe a word i say, especially if it begins with "i love..." or " if this was my last night alive..." haha.

2. beat the unemployment blues and get a job.
note: this should reverse the overspending and miraculously introduce me to the alien concept of saving.

3. visit ben and jerry's at manly.
note: i know ice cream in winter is seen as either insane, cliche or romantic but i refrain from any preconceived ideas. i just want my damn ice cream alright?

4. go on holidays with my bestfriend.
note: it would of been my two, but the other is off canoodling with european hunks somewhere in the northern hempisphere (im so jealous and miss you!).
so a destination and date unknown, though it will most likely be domestic. i don't even care as long as we escape to a place where no one knows who we are.

5. read and write.
note: finish articles for sounderrated.com, finish all the books i began and did not end (bulgakov, dahl, nais etc).

6. have that miyazaki movie marathon.
note: i know this is long overdue, so i will call my two boys soon and find all those movies we shall view until the early hours of the morning.

7. drive more.
note: i know the recurrent theme of "soon" in association to getting my Ps is shit stirring. once i have conquered parking i promise i'll book my test.

8.  have little catch ups with many people.
note: whether this incorporates ALOT OF CHATTER combined with taking photographs from an old camera, high tea, vintage shopping, din din, wine and michael cera movies at mine, secret playdates, getting a little messy, coffee, a little road trip, the movies, strolling the sydney streets, or nothing at all... i miss your presence. we will see each other soon. if you don't hear from me, i want to hear from you.

9. attend the strokes concert.
note: scantily clad, despite the freezing weather. potentially crushed in a moshpit and rubbing up against sweaty strangers. partly drunk, partly lust- asphyxiated. for the love of julian.

10. cook.
note: at mine or yours, grocery shopping included. straight from a family old recipe or a cookbook. who will be my partner in crime?
this will also be a guiltless means of winter gorging, before i starve myself for the spring (i kid, calm down haha).

love,

ps. now this a real holiday, sigh.
pps. i need a break from life haha.

thought #110- cut, copy, erase

tonight i lament and attempt to forget my horrible failing of today's accounting exam with mrs field's mini cookies and lambrusco. so far the wonderfully sickening practice of gorging and binge drinking has taken me from woeful to thoughtful. thoughtful about everything in fact. about life, love, the universe. deep i know haha. well i just finished watching eternal sunshine of a spotless mind for the 9347587th time and yet again i have fallen in love with the movie. i adore how clever and thought provoking it is, but specifically i love how it reminded me that when you meet someone, memories of the good will always be married to memories of the bad. we cannot merely escape the reality that as humans we will hurt (and be hurt in return), be annoying, pushy, clingy, needed, absurd, perversive, insulting, careless and the list potentially perpetuates. but to find someone who will stand by you regardless of those shitface moments, bickering and an inability to fully understand. someone who knows you for the monster that you sometimes are and is willing to say "ok" and love you all the same, now that is someone worthy of your time and heart.

so i guess as i wonder if the opportunity came, would i ever want to fully erase the memories and existence of a significant person in my life... only to realise half way through how much i still care? would they be worth finding as a stranger once again, repeating subconscious deja vu and finding that despite everything, they would still make a difference no matter how many times i would want to erase them?

now there's someone worth loving.

love,

p.s. sigh at the blanket scene and the goodbye whilst the house is falling apart... michael gondry you're a genius.

so underrated

Letter Writing 

CLICK ABOVE!

my first ever online article. so please be kind, regardless if you find it shit haha. 

rate, comment or both would be much appreciated.

much love! 

thought # 109- i dare you to be happy

i've been musing lately about alot of the things that i don't like. the things that annoy me, the people that confuse me, the problems, mistakes, moroseness and the negativity. frankly, it has left me with an empty bottle of vodka, pages of scribbles, sad songs on repeat, a lack of motivation to study and a backward appreciation/expectancy for the future. everything synonymous with being emotional and depressed (everything i blame the weather for, when clearly it's my fault). how pathetic.

i miss being happy. i know that sounds sappy, but its true. i miss smiling for no reason, not caring for anything problematic, sneaking downstairs to eat ice cream from the tub, anticipating tomorrow and the next day, listening to cheesy 90's songs, feeling jittery like a little girl and waking up with so much more than my own existence to look forward to. i know this is odd, but i feel better after writing a list of things i adore. i know, some people eyebrow rise and think what a freak. but whatever works for you. whatever gets you happy; be it skinny dipping, getting an impulsive piercing, speaking in silences, eating chocolate cake or slow dancing with your lover. whatever it is, write a list, remind yourself, do it.

abi's seventeen things i love:

1. beautiful girls with long dishevelled hair and hoop nose rings.
2. having a warm bath with a book and a million candles.
3. scrabble.
4. singing lame songs on karaoke whilst intoxicated.
5. playing dress- ups.
6. the smell of fresh cookies you've baked.
7. high tea.
8. taking the loveliest photos with old cameras.
9. the ugly phase of a haircut.
10. cuddling up to a friend/stranger/lover whilst watching anything french or michael cera related.
11. memories of pay day.
12. deep and meaningful conversations.
13. reunions.
14. hersheys chocolate.
15. perving on handsome strangers on the bus that don't even know you exist.

16. quirky, cute websites and blogs like www. twothousand.com, www.hel-looks.com and my new favourite http://thxthxthx.com/
17. no pressure, sweet nothings.

love,

ps. wait make that eighteen things i love: 18. c.s. lewis quotes.
pps. thanks ben, i adore your tumblr.

thought # 108- i thought perpetual, you thought seasonal

as i write, intertwined between my blankets, tired, vacant and nursing a headache that the rain, lack of thermal underwear and unbearable cold has kindly given, i think of my favourite (insert sarcasm) season of the year. personally, apart from the fashion and end of financial year sales, i do not fancy winter at all. some people adore the chill, the reason to resurrect their old gumboots and oversized knitwear, the hot chocolate/scrabble/movie nights in front of a blazing fire, the unintentional weight gain, the bed weather, taking photos of dead branches, scribbling your crush's name on a fogged up car window and everything that winter is synonymous with. although these reasons are good and pleasant to have, i don't believe we need a whole season to do this. as cliched and hackneyed as it sounds, i find that the cyclical moments of life are in sync with the seasons. in retrospect, i look back to the first six months of 2010 and find myself overwhelmed by all the events and happenings it carries and is yet to reveal.

summer was sizzling, hot, impulsive and brilliant. the weather equated the tanned skin i received from qld, the staple of singlets and shorts echoed the events of sydney festival and air conditioning brought me back to late night skype chats with friends, strangers and friends who were once strangers. university did not yet exist, responsibility was unheard of, legalities were chimerical and the world was a naked canvas ready to be explored and exploited.

autumn arrived with much change, it was a season that began as passe and in between, the exact definition of autumn. then life sighted a tornado and an unexpected whirlwind began. i turned 18, i began filthy habits, university was not as delightful as i envisioned it to once be. the heart palpitated and simultaneously crumbled over unpredicated amazing strangers. stress levels rose, it was an intoxicating few months of euphoria and rollercoasters. fun fun fun.

until winter arrived. and to be fair, it has only been four days so i cannot bad mouth it entirely. it may unexpectedly shift for the better and i find winter as the best season to come. however, from observations, i find my days are peppered with stress, sencha peach tea permanently inside my plunger, expensive habits in my bag and on my fingers, unworthily chatting to God, alcoholic friday nights, still awake at 3am and this empty feeling- that no emotion can exactly pinpoint- where one cannot see any progress, happiness but is still hoping. hoping not for a repeat of summer or autumn, nor for things to unrealistically "become all good again" but that absurd, secretly lovely hope we all nurse in our spirits and mutter under our breath that whatever life is or will be

is just, for we are just... seasonal.

love,

ps. this somewhat totally american, but i adore it.