thought #119- you're not a martyr

you're an idiot. i realised this while consuming my delicious waffle at the lindt cafe yesterday afternoon. it was in this moment of scrumptious revelation, with the sunshine casting beautiful shadows across the darling harbour, with my favourite book at hand, that it came to me. there is a difference between patience, persistance and persecution with a purpose and blind faith, ignorance and plain thickness. to be honest i was kind of frustrated with myself. because i knew i could of avoided this, i had the chance to save myself from the useless feelings of anger and worthlessness but in a moment of hormone- fuelled glory, i chose to believe that i was a martyr. i was a martyr for a lost cause. i was feigning that things were great, pretending that there was nothing wrong being treated as another number, another non-serious human being unworthy of relationship (and i dont mean monthsaries or a wedding ring and a mortgage together) and connection.

then i realised why am i settling for this? why am i alright with being treated like this? no woman should be just another number. no relationship should be just a try before you buy. no one should ever go through having their heart excavated at the expense of spending the night together. god, it was this reminder. our worth lies in a greater purpose. a greater meaning. sure you can fuck around with whoever you desire, just don't get other people (who don't ask for much, just someone decent) involved. i really had forgotten that veracity. perhaps im the only emotional being in this world, but the moment you meet someone regardless of any romantic affiliations are involved, causes a connection. its impossible if someone says im looking for something unattached. you create connections from the very trivial conversations. someone means something to you regardless if its been a week, five months or seven years. so don't fall into false assumption of indifference.

but i guess this all about learning and living. one can't help feel bitter about it. i guess its not worth paying attention or effort when you know for certain that a result will not be birthed. i guess its just a reminder for myself and others i guess, to be wise. to guard your heart. to be picky. to not look at people from the perspective of toying their emotions at your pleasure. have the balls to walk away. because if he/she can't see the value of wanting to stay, then God is preparing someone better than you can ever imagine. now thats something to look forward too.

love,

ps. haha think again buddyyyy.