thought #114- let's play platonic

i know i've been using the word alot lately but only because it has been imprinted in my sphere of thought and life so much. it feels like the word itself has become so hackneyed that if someone even mentions my name and the word platonic in the same sentence, i may find the nearest sharp object jabbed into the neck of the same person. but nevertheless it is a concept i find my life peppered with lately. ive always had this love/hate relationship with platoncy (is that even a word?). i've always loved it when i needed it, and loathed it when it was completely useless and tragic in situations.

the last few weeks of life, despite having zero sleep and horrible final exams in tow, have been trying to figure out how to befriend platonic behaviour. how do i be friends with someone i don't want to be just friends with? how do i pretend that i actually cared, that things were fun and games until i trod past an indelible line between flirting and feelings and how do i admit that i don't know how to go back and find where i trespassed? how do i care for this friendship while i get pulverised internally? it feels like a bad teenage movie. the best friend watching the best friend they love, love another. i know its sappy and pathetic but fuck does it feel like life right now. 

the thing i have to remember is that im NOT adamant to not be platonic. don't get me wrong i actually want to be the friend, i want to be the mate. but how can i be that when my heart is this stupid little shit that keeps trying to squash logic and reality? so basically, someone teach me how to be platonic? because i'm not doing a very good job at keeping myself jovial and indifferent simultaneously. 

love,

ps. i wonder if she's any good. might youtube her now haha.
pps. just found her http://www.myspace.com/hilarygaymusic she's actually quite lovely! love her sound.