thought #247- all over the place

i know i don't regularly use this anymore but i felt i needed a somewhat private (as private as a public domain such as the internet can get) place to vent/regurgitate what has occurred this past year. so much has happened i actually don't even know where to begin. i'll skip the formalities and pleasantries such as acquiring a full-time job (thank God), graduating my undergraduate degree (thank God again) and all that jazz and get down to the nitty gritty.

to be honest, my heart and head hasn't really been present this whole year. i feel i've been going through the motions of the mundane, living life as one does, trying to be open and nonchalant and subconsciously erasing the mess i made in london (that still haunts me to this day) but deep down i'm confused, lonely and trying to conceal gaping wounds with fleeting moments that just create another wound in return. i guess you could say i've been very careless lately. it's not because i want to or that i'm actually happy with this kind of behaviour. i just don't know how to go about not being so indifferent towards matters pertaining to my heart.

i feel attached to people who i barely know. i want to be with people who don't want to be with me. it's heartbreaking and pathetic. i often ask myself since when did i get so tragic? i've been trying to fool myself to believe that i'm fine acting this way. that i'm ok with things just happening for fun. that i'm fine to sleep in unfamiliar sheets and tread unfamiliar territories with a stranger. haven't i learned already that there's no such thing as unattached? that regardless if your heart was in it or not you bared a private, sacred piece of yourself, which will never be returned. this feigning is tiring. i don't want the giddy feeling of a crush. i don't want the romantic notion of intoxicatedly dancing with a stranger with lipstick smeared across our cheeks. i don't want to eat burgers like a lovesick couple. i don't want to watch a movie while you unsubtley feel me up. i don't want to lie on your lap and watch lonely planet or watch you cook with your doona as my dress. i don't want to just hang out. i don't want to wear your old, dilapidated shirt to sleep. i dont want to hold hands with someone i barely know and like all too much too soon that it frightens us both. fucking hell. i don't want to sleep with someone who already makes me wish for morning to mull over slowly, just for tonight. i don't want to sing to sick songs in bed while listening to each others hearts echoing from the hollows of our chest. i don't want to wake up and stare at this beautiful creature and wonder what he's thinking. i don't want to have to say that i kind of like you a little then want to swallow my speech and slice off my tounge for sounding like a complete idiot. i just want it to be straight. it doesn't have to be easy. it doesn't have to be simple. just true. after all this, i just want to settle down to the real deal.

i just want someone to be fucking honest. to put their intentions on the line and allow them to love me, and i the same. i'm too old for headfucks or games or i'll call you when i'm drunk. i just want someone who'll still care when i'm sober. i actually think i'm ready to meet the man the Creator has ordained and is fashioning especially for me... but is he ready to meet me?

i guess it's true. i am all over the place. and the frightening thing is i don't know where to even beginning trying to pick myself off the floor.

love,

thought #246- twenty-something (part 2)

now enough of my emotional divulging and onto my favourite part. the material wishlist haha. in retrospect i really wish i bought more things in europe. but of course first priorities weren't shopping but instead $$$ was spent on taxi rides to uni, bottle upon bottle of moscato and all the cheeky trips. i definitely don't regret this, although it has left me with a burning hole in my pocket, an overused wardrobe and a desire to start over (figuratively and literally speaking). i've actually considered the contents of this wishlist carefully. it indeed is more exxy than past wishlists but i believe turning 21 calls for a level of adulthood and thus requires finer but staple objects that will last longer than a trend or season.

10 things i need to be 21

1. comme de garcon cardigan in black. this is a staple that will never grow old. besides 100% wool ensures functionality and fashion. the beige twin is equally endearing but i still can't seem to shake the black away from my wardrobe.

2.  basic tees. i really only want four sorts, black, white, grey and striped. i highly fancy this white comme version . the rest that is causing me to salivate includes this cute alexander wang striped crop, acne's cotton melange relaxed fit tee, and bassike's vintage crew neck in black.

3. the everyday bag. since it's a wishlist i can technically wish. i am so in love with the saint laurent black leather tote bag. saint laurent is everything i could want in a brand. classic, sophisticated, dark and simple. just like that bag. completely understated but you know it's no cheap bitch.

4. new sunglasses. digging these karen walker the number one sunnies. i'm not a big sunnies fan but these are quirky, cute, good shape and i won't get sick of them that easily.

5. denim dungarees. i am a big fan of overalls. i just can't seem to find a pair that fits perfectly. its either loose at the waist, or bulging so it looks like i have a giant vagina or something haha. this could potential be a vintage find.

6. socks and kicks. these new balance 996's are beautiful. i also don't mind these adidas gazelles but i just can't stop frothing over those new balances. in terms of socks i just need nice basic crew ones and a nice pendelton-esque black navaho looking pair. just anything that doesn't look like i've stolen my dad's socks... which is usually the case ha

7. the everyday boots. i've already had these cheap monday boots which i brought along with me to europe and murdered with my excessive usage. i love them, they're comfy, have the right height and go with absolutely everything under the sun. i definitely need another pair. also loving these opening ceremony grunge booties. but seriously the cheap mondays. i need them back in my life.

8. splendour tickets this would evidently make my tumultuous- i haven't really decided if i like this year or not- 2013. it only has mumford and sons and frank ocean plus many more swoon worthy people playing. fingers crossed i can work around the minor hiccup of being in the phils haha

9. new ink. well money for new ink really. i'm getting antsy for a bit of needlework. as i always seem to do.

10. a new job. that i love and will get me out of the country, so i can be in europe and not so depressed about the current condition of my existence. please Lord. thanks.


love,

thought #265- 2:17am confessions

1. Things between us were so much better before I left. Perhaps it was the urgency, the thought at the back of our heads that beat against our bewildered chests reminding us that it would never be the same again. Perhaps it was the way we dipped into each others lives, at moments as best friends, sometimes something more so routinely that we couldn't stop bring a part of it all. Perhaps you liked me a little more, and I the same. Perhaps we just got used to being away from each other that those cold nights sitting at your back porch holding hands are now just fond memories, that really in retrospect it, you, me and us meant nothing at all... Perhaps I'm only feeling this way because I secretly just miss you.

2. I don't know how to stop caring about you. I feel ridiculous and pathetic to be separated by oceans and time differences and countries and still wondering if you're well. If maybe, in between your frivolous living, your intoxicated evenings, the cigarette breaks in the quad and the joints you roll so professionally and the inconvenient fact that you love someone else, you think about me. Be it in a scintilla of insignificance, do things remind you of me? Does that song take your mind back to that time we sat on the mattress, high and happy like in a 90's teenage movie? Do you ever wonder how I am? Do you still remember that night we... Or am i being quixotic? I hate asking these questions knowing very well that you don't, because even when I had the chance to matter to you I didn't. And though I try not to dwell on that stupor, that semester, I still feel I left my heart on the other side of the world. You still bruise me.

3. Part of me wants to relive you again, the other wants to erase it. You came as a surprise, something unintentional, something that even I was taken off guard by. Perhaps it was an impulsive whim, spurred on by intoxication and your mysterious, foreign physique. I don't know if we will ever meet again but maybe if we do will I want it a second time round? Will I succumb to thinking that all I really need right now is the lack of familiarity, the off comfort of temporality, the absence of intimacy, the advantage of being a stranger with nothing attached to our names and being. Perhaps all I need is to be held in between the sheets, hearing you heavily breathe, feeling the warmth and weight of your arm wrapped around my body like a blanket of flesh. Perhaps I just need to fill the void of loneliness with another empty promise? You were lovely and all... but what about love?

4. I am so torn. In between attempting to salvage the condition of my soul, fighting. the carnal desires and vices that unhinge me every time, the struggle between self-image and worth, my insecurities and doubts and trying to connect my aspirations and dreams with reality... I'm tired, unfulfilled and crumbling. I want so many things to work out in my life right now but I feel like a mess. I need divine intervention, motivation, I need life and love. I just want to be content and happy like I was before. Instead of worrying all the time about the future and my impending ageing. I just need something good to work.

5. Happiness and heaven is just a state of mind. As hard as its going to be I'm going to be grateful. I choose to be happy. I choose life and not death. I choose not to be content with living a half hearted existence. I am thankful for the job I am yet to receive. I am thankful for the opportunity I am yet to grab. I am grateful to be doing tertiary education while others can't even afford a uniform. I am thankful for the things I have and the blessings I've been given instead of the things missing in my life. I will be patient for the man of my dreams and I know when the time is right he'll comes and I'll actually want to fall in love and it'll be so much more fulfilling than one night or one sordid crush that shits all over your heart with his oblivion. I am thankful for the angels I am yet to entertain, the people I am yet to meet and the goodness that is coming my way. I'm tired of falling asleep on a wet pillow. Joy comes with the morning.

Love,

thought #264- twenty-something (part 1)

i thought i would uphold tradition and continue with my annual birthday wishlists, however, unlike past  birthdays i thought it would be apt to include not just my material lust worthy santa- christmasesque wishlist but a sort of more non-superficial, life wishlist. i guess what i'm really hoping for as i enter the big 2 1. so here goes part 1 (the non-material whislist).

for most people (especially in the southern hemisphere), turning 21 has no real significance. i mean we've already spent three years dabbling in non-prescription drugs, engaging in unprotected sex like the invincible beings we deludedly believe ourselves to be, popping the clubbing cherries and consequently accumulating tallies of toilet bowl tales, evenings with zero recollections and nasty morning after hangovers. some people have even been engaging in this behaviour before legalistic times (bad asses). so technically i shouldn't be feeling so overwhelmed about being just another year older. but for some reason i am. i'm actually scared shitless. probably more than i've ever been about any other birthday. it's strange. suddenly i have a one attached to my twenty and i'm panicking like it's the end of the world. perhaps i am being a little overdramatic but i guess the insecurities stem from that stupid life plan thing i made when i was thirteen. according to this so called life plan by twenty one i would be graduating/graduated, starting a career that would take me far financially and physically, in a job i love, with a european hunk of some sort, perhaps already moved out or saving up for something big. i know it's idealistic thinking but the fact that it's not impossible, the very fact that there are 21 year old friends living this life makes me fret a little inside. i know i shouldn't worry about things like this. that i'm technically still young to be going grey over the condition of existence from now to twenty years time and that my Creator has and always will have everything under control... but i just can't help wonder? will i amount to this? will it ever happen? have i dreamt far too big? have i set a standard so ridiculously and unattainably high? have i fucked myself over? i feel so out of control. in a condescending spiral of my own vicious, carnal ways. wanting what i can't have. wanting what i don't have. i'm hopeful though. i still have faith that something good will work through this all. that i will eventually find peace and happiness the way i did before and even a little more.

i need to get my priorities straight. i need to find my soul. i need to wipe away my tears and stop grieving of what i've lost that i know will never be returned to me. i need to stop living in fear. i need to stop lusting over just another mistake waiting to happen. i need to learn my lessons. i need to give it all away. to not a person but a purpose. i need love. i need motivation. i'm turning twenty one for fucks sake, i need to start acting like it.

love,

thought #263- snap back to reality, oh there goes gravity

so i've returned home to the comforts of my own king single bed, the scorching hot suburban scenery, home cooked meals, uni work, band practices and the relentless search for a graduate job. in totality it's been about nine days and as much as i love my family, friends, familiarity and the change of not having to leave the house with seven layers, i really do miss london and europe and all the glories of the northern hemisphere. i do often at times feel like a broken record, recounting about the people i miss, the blurred memories i embarrassingly recollect and the holiday mode lifestyle. now i must face the bigger picture of growing up, graduating and achieving success in life. the thought of having to get my shit altogether is frankly quite frightening and i'm unsure as to how i feel about the impending future. i know that part of me believes that it will be equally if not more hard work regardless if i relocate to london or find a job away from home but i feel so comfortable there. it really feels like i've left my heart  back in intersecting tube lines, along the flurry and fuss of oxford street, somewhere deep in an ash tray or coffee cup at brick lane or even in regents among the filthy rich folk i once called my classmates. i often think to myself, how is it possible that six months flew by that quickly? that everything is a mere blur. i feel everything that happened in europe was but a dream like procession and i've awoken back to the reality of home and hardship haha. perhaps the world will continue revolving and the friends i met back there will forget me soon enough but i honestly can't help remembering it. recalling those times as if they were the best days of my life, my glory days. but part of me doesn't want to seem enthralled by the past. that the present and future is too bright to be seen with closed eyes. i can only hope that as i start sorting life out, getting the hang of things once again, that i can find success and favour for the remainder of 2013. that my future will slowly but surely start carving itself into something i can see myself being a part of. whether it means being stuck in aus or being reunited with my first love, europe. whatever happens i just have to remain hopeful, hardworking and resistant of reminiscing especially about past heartbreaks.... haha

love,

thought #262- see you never

i'm really bad at goodbyes. i tend to feel less sad than i should be as i hug a person and wish them well. i delay the heartache with a lighthearted insult or an awkward slur of sentences that make no sense. we promise we'll see each other again and hope for the best and say we'll stay in touch while secretly contemplating the truth in what we just said. but deep inside and in the most mundane moments of life, it knocks at my heart and all of a sudden i'm reminded of who i really miss. the sadness floods the room, the train seats, the steering wheel, the notebooks; drenches the work computer, wets the cigarettes butts and dilutes the skim mochas i relentlessly consume in a university day. the memories come in waves like a tsunami, breaking barriers built from the need to stay strong and appear unaffected by nostalgia and sentiment. and it's in that moment when you realise you can't return to that time when you were the most happiest but merely mentally rewind knowing very well it's not the same. i'm unsure of my coping mechanism but perhaps it's writing it out. tears stain skin, hurt stains the soul. sometimes i think all i have are words. and so as my days in london slip away and i must farewell the many once strangers who have indented my heart, the feeling is bittersweet. i've become so attached to the independence, the culture, the beautiful and intriguing people i've met along the way. the unexpected surprises of falling in lust, filtering through who was true and who was there out of convenience, sleep deprived days and everything in between. i haven't just seen so many places, i've seen so many things. the world, myself and the urgency of now. i've learnt to not make moves unless my heart is in it but i've also learnt that not everyone makes moves this way. i've learnt that its easier to care more than to care less for someone who doesn't even care at all. painful lessons but nevertheless lessons. but this is not the end. just another chapter finishing with another ready to be written. another chapter filled with the new people i am yet to meet, the old friends that stuck around, the loving and losing i will experience again, the growing up, mending the condition of my soul, the messy nights and the mornings after and of course the lessons i am yet to learn. i'm really bad at goodbyes so let's just leave it to until we meet again.

love,

thought #261- declare then do

i want to:

• step out of the mundane, banality of life. find out what i really want and what i really love and seek it without qualm. 
• find my home. travel between borders, collect memories of locations and evenings and people, then finally settle down to where my conscience, career and community peacefully reside (wherever that may be). 
• stop falling in lust and start falling in love. i don't want to settle for someone's nasty leftovers nor be the constant centre piece of temporary affinity influenced by copious amounts of champagne. 
• pay more attention to the condition of my soul. stop ignoring the relationship that helped me build virtues, values, faith and goodness for the people around me. stop being so selfish as to think i'm wasting time with the one who took his to craft me in all my complexity. 
• be less avaricious, more ambitious. i want to be driven by goals, by that personal satisfaction, by inspiration and the success of strategies created from my own whim not because i have to prove anything to anyone else or base my life on materialistic measures. 
• sing and write more. i say it every year but i do mean it. i want to make more music and refine the art. i want this year to overflow with experiences, feelings, thoughts transposed into music and lyrics. 
• appreciate the little things more. from home cooked meals, to the fact that i have a roof under my head and a family who loves me unconditionally, from a gorgeous sunset to the beauty of stranger's stance. 
• learn another language. french first, spanish second, then italian, then who knows where it may lead?
• live in a mantra of positivity. that there is hope, everything will work out. that time is not an obstacle. i want to manifest and generate light into the people i know and the ones i am yet to meet. 
• declare then do. i don't want wishes and hopes to be merely contained to this blog entry (as what i find myself constantly doing) but instead i want to make it happen. now is the time. 

love,

thought #260- caught in the middle

they said it would get easier after the first time, that i would get used to the the relentless wave of moments, the blinks of bliss and the poisonous promise of a tonight. and perhaps i will one day. or perhaps not. maybe i'll just keep seeing the flaws of fucking without feelings.

in this case, we were just two strangers fumbling in the dark, patting at our pockets as if searching for misplaced morals sandwiched in between cigarette packets, credit cards and each other's surname. we didn't need each other. not in that way. not in the sort of manner that keeps couples glued to each other's side for five years while secretly wanting to shoot each other (or themselves) in the head. i guess we just wanted each other. the way one craves for mcdonalds after a big night out, or a hot bath after a long day at work. perhaps we even wanted to tame our own unspoken loneliness with anonymity. whatever it was to get us by.

i'm not used to this, i thought to myself. he looks like he knows what he's doing. but i'm scared shitless right now because i know this doesn't work for me. i can't kiss someone without feeling i need to love them wholeheartedly but i did it anyway. it struck me the instance we awkwardly arrived at the hotel lobby, constantly checking to see if the other was still under the influence of carnal degradation and hoping we wouldn't snap back into reality and save oneself from what would happen next. the hands intertwined up an elevator soon followed,  feigning familiarity, feigning love beyond the fact that it was a mutual, rash agreement signed by a sneaky kiss on the dance floor. he opened the door to a balcony blanketed by the crisp, chill of the evening sky. with my cigarette alight and a million thoughts racing through my head, the most prominent voice of reason echoes and pounds through the system, far stronger than the copious amounts of champagne previously downed, screaming but you don't do this.

and then the stranger stares intently, he's but an inch away and here you are overanalysing once again. sobering up. trying to figure what he's thinking, whilst simultaneously trying hard to hide your tortured soul. he grabs your face and for that moment you feel as if you've known him all your life. that perhaps he is the boy you subconsciously dreamed about in high school and this moment, shrouded by the mystery of a foreign country with a foreign person for one long and arduous night, is but perfection in disguise. temporarily you know everything surface about him. about his nickname, his tattoos, his hometown, the way he likes to bite your lip while you kiss. temporarily you are the apple of his eye. temporarily you are drawn by such lust that takes superiority above all else. temporarily you are being offered the most expensive delicacy on a silver platter, free of charge. you are torn as to take it, knowing fully well that if you but have the slightest taste, you will never cease to want more.

and then you fall asleep in his arms. spooning the way you only wanted to do with someone you actually cared about. and in that fetal position, thoughts overflow, drenching the hotel room with a numbness, a wholehearted understanding that there is no repeat. there is no breakfast after. there is no late night conversations with your legs rested on your bedroom wall or picnics by the beach. there is no time, no agreement, no need for friendship and association after. it was fun. it wasn't fulfilling. we didn't need each other, you remind yourself. and as you rise from the rumination, embarrassed by your hungover, morning face you realise this. fetching your dress, looking into his eyes, there was no magic, he did not miraculous evolve or transform into a potential. he is still the same stranger who twirled your arm across the dance floor. the same stranger who is saying good morning to you from the bathroom, the same way he said good night in between the sheets.

and as you awkwardly depart the hotel lobby, go separate ways. you politely thank each other, express gratitude for the company and know fully well that it will probably be the last time you see each other ever again. and when reality strikes you both, he will forget your name, your face and associate you with another new years, another frisky time accompanied with feeling forever young. and you'll do exactly the same. they said it would get easier after the first time, but all i can still see is the flaw of fucking without feelings.

love,

thought #259- in summation

I've often described years in retrospect to be "unlike no other" but without exaggeration or cliche, 2012 has been such a ridiculous, mind-blowing, life changing time. Part of me feels like all this time prior to 2012 has only been a precursor, some sort of interlude to the main act and reality of life, the world and all it has to offer. Apart from the fact that I write this, half way across the world from familiarity, family and home, so much has occurred this year that has truly opened my eyes and has forced me to face the dreaded question of my purpose in life and what I want and how to go about conquering/achieving it. I knew from the outset that 2012 would concrete certain values pertaining to life, love, God and ones career but I was truly unsure of what I would subconsciously end up disposing, adopting or keeping. It's true, old friends took on new roles in my life, hearts were trampled in an unaware matter, sex evolved from a sacred to a casual social activity made with strangers, new friendships blossomed, growing up was faced and the looming reality of graduating university dawned on me in a frightening way. My new found adoration for the northern hemisphere occurred, freedom, independence and responsibility entailed and what more foolish, risky decisions (eg. Falling in love with strangers) were made under the influence of unfamiliarity and risqué. Part of me wants to come back home, the other part doesn't want to leave like I'm drawn to this lifestyle like a rope to the heart. Utterly captivated. Part of me knows I can't continue down destructive paths of chain smoking, joints on weekdays, one night stands, hungover mornings, luxurious living and selfish carnal actions. I can't expect to not get hurt from my constant fucking up and not doing anything about it.

As much as 2013 has followed the actions of its past sibling, I hope for nothing but peace. Peace of mind. To start thinking about life beyond myself. Yes, it was fun. No, I don't regret it but I really hope that this is just a phase and not a downward spiral into madness. It's so easy to lose ones soul in the process of trying to gain the world. I don't want that to happen. I still believe in my Creator. I still believe that this indulgent hedonistic moment of life is not permanent. I still believe in goodness, real love, faith and righteousness. It's a matter of physically effectuating the belief. It's a matter of life and death and everything in between. I have ridiculous hopes for 2013 the same way I did for 2012. And I know I'll never be the same again. For the better. Everything really will work out.

Love,