thought #262- see you never

i'm really bad at goodbyes. i tend to feel less sad than i should be as i hug a person and wish them well. i delay the heartache with a lighthearted insult or an awkward slur of sentences that make no sense. we promise we'll see each other again and hope for the best and say we'll stay in touch while secretly contemplating the truth in what we just said. but deep inside and in the most mundane moments of life, it knocks at my heart and all of a sudden i'm reminded of who i really miss. the sadness floods the room, the train seats, the steering wheel, the notebooks; drenches the work computer, wets the cigarettes butts and dilutes the skim mochas i relentlessly consume in a university day. the memories come in waves like a tsunami, breaking barriers built from the need to stay strong and appear unaffected by nostalgia and sentiment. and it's in that moment when you realise you can't return to that time when you were the most happiest but merely mentally rewind knowing very well it's not the same. i'm unsure of my coping mechanism but perhaps it's writing it out. tears stain skin, hurt stains the soul. sometimes i think all i have are words. and so as my days in london slip away and i must farewell the many once strangers who have indented my heart, the feeling is bittersweet. i've become so attached to the independence, the culture, the beautiful and intriguing people i've met along the way. the unexpected surprises of falling in lust, filtering through who was true and who was there out of convenience, sleep deprived days and everything in between. i haven't just seen so many places, i've seen so many things. the world, myself and the urgency of now. i've learnt to not make moves unless my heart is in it but i've also learnt that not everyone makes moves this way. i've learnt that its easier to care more than to care less for someone who doesn't even care at all. painful lessons but nevertheless lessons. but this is not the end. just another chapter finishing with another ready to be written. another chapter filled with the new people i am yet to meet, the old friends that stuck around, the loving and losing i will experience again, the growing up, mending the condition of my soul, the messy nights and the mornings after and of course the lessons i am yet to learn. i'm really bad at goodbyes so let's just leave it to until we meet again.

love,