thought #216- life detox

Things i want to do/have/achieve before i'm 21.

• travel to europe
• my undergraduate degree
• my Ps
• become vegetarian for a period in my life
• expand friperie
• get a boy
• shares
• a savings account with actual savings
• learn another language
• get inked again

so to kick things off, i'm going to be pesco vegetarian for a month as part of my life detox. eventually i'm going to try straight out vegetarian but since it's my first time to deprive myself of any delicious animal, i don't want to cut out meat entirely and abruptly. hopefully i'll just get used to having minimal amounts that i'll eventually be able to just be vego. why this random decision you ask? well i've certainly been thinking about it for awhile now. i'm not much of  a physically active person and lately, due to the goodness of uni and work, my diet in general has been rather appalling. i thought it would be good to living healthy by eating healthy and ridding/limiting myself of uni staples in the hope of improving my health. i'm starting with small goals so i've begun with a month but who knows, this stint might end up till the rest of year. but from august 1 its goodbye meat and fatty foods and hello to a life of organic-ism haha. with that i'm going cold turkey on the cigs (probably the hardest thing, next to my abstinence of chicken) and limiting my alcohol intake to a glass whenever i'm out. i'm also limiting my coffee breaks to one to two cups a week (beginning and middle) with tea and hot chocolate as my susbtitute together with water duh. lastly i've committed myself to at least 1/2 hr of exercise each day (aka just dance on wii) hopefully this will improve my current physical condition.

the rest is still pending but i'm sure working on it.

love,

thought #215- these are my sheep

nonsensical quizzes i mean.


1. the person i like and why i like them. 
i've never stopped liking this person. why? well he's one of those kinds of people you only meet once in life and find no replica for. one of those people who make your insides burst at just the thought, who makes you laugh, who is profound yet simple. someone who'll love you for what you are and even what you aren't. someone lovely in every dimension and sense of the word.
2. a famous person i’ve been compared to.
alexa chung. definitely not because we look alike. i think my obsession/ lust for her just mangles my dna. 
3. 5 things that irritate me about the same sex/opposite sex.
mixed signals, double standards when it comes to infidelity, they get upset/sensitive over things you don't think they'd be upset over, caring too much or too little and forgetting things that should be remembered.
4. the best thing that has happened to me this week.
bumping into someone unexpectedly.
5. weird things i do when i’m alone.
karaoke and talk to myself.
6. how i’d spend ten thousand bucks.
 save half then take a trip to europe.
7. things i like and things i don’t like about the way i look.
like- my shoulders, neck and freckles. dislike- my nose, arms and legs
8. my last night out in detail.
melbourne. copious amounts of alcohol. danced. fine. shots of absinthe. not so fine. puked in bathroom. returned to dancefloor. puked on table. hunky stranger to the rescue. sat down and drank water. hunky stranger paid for cab back to hotel. puked in elevator. got to room. puked some more. woke up with worst hangover to date. end of story.
9. something that makes me sad when i think about it.
not speaking to people i used to be so close with at a point in my life anymore.  
10. something i’ve lied about.
that i'm fine when i'm not.
11. would i rather be stranded on a desert island with someone i love for ten years or someone i hate for a month? explain why.
someone i love for ten years. it would feel like a month in their company than someone you hate for a month because it would feel like ten years.
12. something i’m currently worrying about.
the future
13. one person i'd throw off a cliff, one i’d marry and one i’d fuck.
cliff- the taliban. marry- michael cera. fuck- freja ericson, francisco lachowski or julian casablancas' voice.
14. something i do without realising.
slouch and be awkward
15. lyrics that apply to my current situation/mood.
"when the truth is that i miss you/i should have never let you go."  
16. a drunken story.
refer to number 8
17. something i regret.
no regrets 
18. post a picture of myself.

 
19. my longest relationship and who it was with.
honestly i've never really been in a relationship. i mean i've had my share of highschool boyfriends and playground loves but i'm yet to find "my first". i came close with this amazing boy towards the final years of highschool but i got scared and failed to see what was in my hands. so i screwed it up. this is how life goes i guess. 
20. press ctrl v and post.
alexa 
21. post a bit of my last IM convo.
nighty! have a safe and fun trip there! xx
22. 5 things i want to change.
my absence of Ps, better grades, better health, my relationship with the Creator, my priorities.
23. my view on being tumblr famous.
kudos to them.
24. someone i’d like to be for a day and why.
the president of a country or a celebrity (standard answer for standard reasons).
25. 5 things within touching distance.
laptop, phone, $20 bill, hand sanitiser, tissues
26. story of my first kiss.
i was probably in year seven or eight. it was spin the bottle. i was awkward and it was very forgettable.

thought #214- melbourne is my mistress

so i've recently returned on my long weekend bender in my almost home of melbourne town. i adore the city. it's a place i will constantly revisit, perhaps live for a year or so but could never replace sydney for. nevertheless the food, shopping, galavanting and exploring was much needed before uni ruins all our lives next week. here are some defining points/moments/ life lessons learnt on my getaway with the best friend.

• jasper hotel on elizabeth st is a place i highly recommend. it's perfect for couples, has that kitsch and cute boutique aura, in the heart of the cbd and friendly staff (props to housekeeping for being persistent to clean my bedroom post- hangover and apologies for spewing in your elevator).
• melbourne is the home of alleyways and surprises. degraves and little bourke st is home to the most amazing cafes known to man. for a caffeine hit and a great vibe try brother budan baba and manchester press.
• melbourne is known as the shopping capital of australia, and so it deservingly is. the sales are impeccable with my bestie snapping josh goot, gorman, oroton and tony biancos at good prices. i left home with some acne, gorman, scanlan & theodore as well as my traditional pair of midas shoes. very happy. 
• there's no such thing as a diet in this amazing city. try mamasitas, trunk and little creatures for unique and amazing dining experiences.
• brunswick st in fitzroy is probably the place i wish i had visited the most (i blame the crazy friday night). it's filled with great bars (aka black pearl and naked for satan) and even greater looking people.
• i'm convinved my future boyfriend is a melbournian. the fashion, attitude and aura. i'm absolutely smitten.
• i'm such a spewer. never again will i think i can take that much alcohol and not go on a barf rampage consequently missing out on hooking in with the cute boy who paid for my taxi home while i lay ill in the backseat (whoever you are, thank you!).
• hangovers are not fun. they cause you to miss out on exploring and force you to skip cigs, cocktails and drink copious amounts of chicken and corn soup (which the chinese bbq house next door from the hotel make amazingly by the way).
• holidays with the bestfriend is always a pleasure. it may be rocky at times but its the only way to experience the world and growing up and getting into mischief and loving life.

until we meet again melbourne, i miss you terribly already!

love,

ps. just some happy snaps

thought #213- tell me why should i let you go?

i've tried innumerable times to let you go, subconsciously and intentionally. the problem is not that i haven't tried but that i keep trying again. perhaps it's part of my human psyche. struggle. or stupidity. or both. i'm not one to hold on to things i deem as useless and without purpose especially for the future. but with you, i just can't. maybe because i know deep down that i still believe in whatever you are supposed to be to me. not what you are now, but what you are supposed to be. something i nor you can't clearly see.

i've tried occupying myself with other people. filling my days with work, university, perving on handsome strangers, impulse buying, writing in this embarrassingly cryptic (not) blog, smoking cigarettes, hating on red wine and drinking cup after cup of coffee. anything to rid you out of my system but to no avail.

people keep telling me to not worry, that it's merely a phase. but that is why i worry. that is what scares me shitless, you aren't a phase and every boy i meet and potentially want to give my heart to will be compared to you. and even if i no longer think about you on a daily, quotidian basis and someone wants to love me and i want to let them, i fear there will be nothing left of my heart to offer. because you have it, you subconsciously selfish bastard.

maybe it's your indifference, your ignorance, your deliberate evasive, indecisive, mixed signal way with me. maybe its the way you break my heart and let me hurt like hell and not even know. maybe it's because you're the only person i ever really loved. maybe it's because it was my fault. maybe because things ended the wrong way. maybe because it was never meant to be and i just need to move on. irregardless of which maybe is correct, you must now there isn't a day that passes without you in mind.

i think in time i'll move on. and if we're not meant to be at least be the friends that have a coffee on a thursday afternoon, or greet each other happy birthday on facebook. the friends that wave at each other from across the supermarket aisle or while picking up our children from their soccer practice. but then again we might become strangers once again. another face, name, entity. i know in time i'll move on. but honestly, i don't know if i'll ever let go.

love,

ps. let go and let God.

thought# 212- i think i fell in love with you

i think i fell in love with you the moment when i realised i didn't need you. that i wasn't dependent on you to tell me that i was happy. or sad. or interesting. or fucked. or imperfect. because i was all those things prior to your existence in my life. i think i fell in love with you the moment when i realised i didn't need you to complete me, or complete you. that we could be two singular entities and that would be alright. we never needed to engage in nights where i would be on the phone crying to my girlfriends, in between spoonfuls of ben and jerrys, blubbering because you're the only one for me. or you would throw stones at my window, mildly intoxicated, singing "lover you should've come over... it's not too late..." i think i fell in love with you the moment when i realised you were beautiful not because you looked like a supermodel, or fulfilled all my fantasies but that you were enough for me and i couldn't ask for anything, anyone more. i think i fell in love with you the moment i realised i didn't deserve you. that i could never give you an assurance that we'd wake up the next morning and i would feel the same way that i did before i closed my eyes on you. you knew and you still followed through. that meant alot to me. i think i fell in love with you the moment when i realised you were the only one i ever really loved and ever really could use my heart against me.  you were my one and only weakness. i think i fell in love with you the moment i realised i could never love you. not even as friend, not even as a lover. i could never be your anything for longer than an interval between breathe and inhale. that bittersweet truth, i could never belong to you.

thought# 211- happiness equals?

we try so hard to make money and gain success. we try to be more than just a face in an indistinguishable crowd and more than just a voice in a meaningless cacophony. we try to get the most fucks, win over the most hearts, dream the biggest and utter thanks for everyday we wake up alive and not screwed over. we try so hard to prove we're not worthless after all. we try all these things in order to cover up the fact that we're totally clueless with what to do with life. we try so hard for things we don't even want. and it's sad to think that what we do want is what we least strive for, to love and be loved in return.

love,

ps. it's true

thought #210- isn't it funny?

isn't it funny how much you said you adored me and how much you showed you care and how much of yourself you threw into whatever this, it, us was? isn't it funny that to this day i'm still feeling sorry for it all and you've forgotten everything already? isn't it funny how people change, feelings change, situations change yet the memory of that person, feeling and situation remains the same? isn't it funny how you think you know someone, when you never really knew them at all- like the way you surprised me with being so difficult? isn't it funny how people say they will do anything for you then never follow through? isn't it funny how life is a ferocious swell and simultaneously a peaceful garden? isn't it funny how you can love and loathe the same person, at the same time? isn't it funny how the things you thought you'd never do becomes second nature, second skin? isn't it funny how people never keep in touch? isn't it funny how disappointment is the a universal experience,  a relentless cycle of being disappointed by someone who has been disappointed as well. isn't it funny how there's clear solution out of suffering (because to stop suffering is to stop being human)? isn't it funny how we all want something more and that we're all perpetually unsatisfied? isn't it funny how sometimes what's bad for us is ourselves? isn't it funny how sorry has lost its meaning these days? isn't it funny how there's nothing funny about this all and yet we still laugh at other's misfortunes and secretly weep for our own?

but most of all, isn't it funny that after all this, i still want you?

love,

 ps. this song is very thought provoking give it a listen!

thought #209- the friend

i have this theory that the reason why boys don't like me is because i'm too much like them. generally speaking i have always been the friend. forever the humble bestie that is destined to never be seen in that way. for most of my life i've actually enjoyed this role and have found it quite satisfying to be filled in on love life issues and dnms and all that. until i, being the female that i am, cannot bare to be just friends and suddenly gain instant attractiveness due to such sensitivity thus screwing the whole friendship and causing "it's not mutual" awkwardness (thankfully it hasn't happened).

of course being the friend has its perks and disadvantages. but as collegehumor explains "no one wants to fuck their hoodie." in other words, what are the chances of you dating your bestfriend? yes he'll be the boy you can wear the daggiest of clothes around, zero make up, fart in front, ask to take you home while absolutely scat, probably lose your virginity to and still wake up and feel that your relationship has not changed and yes she'll be the girl you can stay at home and play cod with, give you tips on how to treat a girl on your first date, your parents secretly wish to be the one, the only one you'll never have to break up with ever.

but if you're expecting to start off as friends and eventually win her/him over, you're heading for a heartbreak.sure we hear stories of bestfriends falling in love and such. but that's truly one in a million. i always thought i wanted my bestfriend to be my man until i figured out that its like dating two people simultaneously. impending heartbreak and a waste of a friendship could potentially occur.

so where does this leave me, being the friend and doomed to platonic adoration? well the truth is, even though falling in love with your best mate is the riskiest move and even though you'll most likely fall for a jerk and he'll fall for a bitch and even though you'll marry different people and settle down and live life, you'll only truly love one person in this lifetime. you'll probably never truly wholeheartedly love (and no i don't mean a mushy, lovey dovey, butterfly-filled kind of affinity) anyone the way you loved your "the friend."

love,

ps. nice shirt hahaha