thought #132 dear heartbreaker,

Day 13 - A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

now don't get me wrong i'm not seething anymore. neither do i feel torn anymore. you're honestly the only person i could think of that hurt me "recently." i never enjoy dwelling on the nasty, depressing bits of the past but i wish i could totally understand how and why it all fell apart. i wish i could pinpoint the moment it went from fun to frustration. but i really can't. there's so many questions i have. but i've stopped seeking the answers. i mean for what reason?

honestly i still have days where i'm bickering with my head and heart. i still incidentally recall things that remind me of you. i don't mean to be nostalgic. it just happens. sometimes i am struck with false hope. then i wake up the next day and realise if it's meant to be we would be together and since it isn't i am just content to be where i stand.

because of you i've learnt (the hard way) to guard my heart. to you it may never have been a big deal. i don't hold you against it. at the end of the day we both wanted different things. i've surpassed feelings of self-sympathy, blind rage and bitterness. i just wish you well. i hope you find happiness but never at the expense of another person's heart.

this will hopefully be the last time i allow my heart to reign over logic. i guess i could hope for karma, or for you to realise the extent of your actions. but once again for what? what will it benefit? i still want to be friends, despite everything. because i did meet an amazing soul. i just got momentarily blinded. but with everything being said, and with as much grace and optimism i can give. if you were to ever pulverise my heart again, i would be the fool to blame for letting you do so. and maybe its then i know its safer to leave just as quickly as i came into your life and you into mine.

love,
abi.  

thought #131- i am a blogwhore

Day 12 - How you found out about Tumblr and why you made one (in this case blogspot)

i don't remember the exact date. all i know is nearing the end of the hsc i decided to document my crazy thoughts, mundane existence and other useless shit in a form of a blog. i discovered other friends already had a blogspot and with the satorialist inspiring me on a sidenote, i decided to create it.  i don't really remember why. it really wasn't so that i could parade my life around. it was definitely a means of venting, another form of exercising my brain and another way to non- subtly hint feelings to people. im actually glad i was bored one day and did this. it's almost one year. not quite but almost. i love flicking through each entry. its great to think that i will never think that thought exactly how i thought it that day. i laugh and cringe at the memories and remember like it was only yesterday. i love learning from mistakes, crave repeats and escapes. it really is life in blog form. i dare you to join.

love,

p.s. haha we all know the answer is yes.

thought #130- walk

Day 11- A youtube video

there are about a million youtube videos i could of linked. but i thought i'd go for this one
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzRKEv6cHuk&feature=player_embedded
my friend jason showed it to me the other day and it absolutely blew my mind. at how much time and effort had been put into something that seemingly looked like just following a guy walking across america. simple stuff, oh how i was so very wrong. the complexity blew me away and the end result much much more. check it out, it suddenly inspired me to do something creative. just like that.

ps. zumba is so much fun, if you haven't joined a class. do it now!!

love,

thought #129- life's soundtrack

Day 10 - Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad 

today's post makes me cringe. not because i loathe music or being emotional. i think i love music too much to merely box myself into a list of songs i listen as a slave of my emotions. though in all honesty there are the regulars. the eclectic array of songs i usually don't and do listen to on a routine basis. so, at the risk of losing whatever dignity i have, i present you with just a snippet of my playlist in the following categories of happy, sad, bored, hyped or mad.

abi's 5 song sample of happiness (N.B. in no order)
1. dancing in the moonlight- toploader.
2. dancing in september- earth, wind and fire.
3. 1963-  rachael yamagata.
4. animal arithmetic- jonsi.
5. i feel it all- feist.

abi's 5 song sample of sadness (N.B. synthesizing was a bitch to be honest haha)
1. slow dancing in a burning room- john mayer.
2. sway- bic runga
3. warning sign- coldplay.
4. the sea- corinne bailey rae
5. 9 crimes- damien rice.


abi's 5 song sample of boredom
1. lisztomania- pheonix.
2. eriatarka- the mars volta.
3. it's in our hands- bjork.
4. that time- regina spektor.
5. suck my kiss- red hot chili peppers.

abi's 5 song sample of hype
1. reptillia- the strokes.
2. mr brightside- the killers.
3. bittersweet symphony- the verve.
4. cheating on you- franz ferdinand.
5. crazy in love- beyonce.

abi's 5 song sample of anger.
1. we get on- kate nash.
2. don't speak- no doubt.
3. tired- adele.
4. naive- the kooks.
5. mysteries- yeah, yeah, yeahs.

love,

thought #128- make your mumma proud

Day 09 - Something you’re proud of in the past month

i don't believe experienced any great triumphs or epiphanies in the last month. but i guess im proud of passing my first semester of uni, as horribly uncommitted as i was. it's only encouraged me to try my best this coming semester. i guess i'm also proud of stirring from my completely depressed and nonsensical state in life. i must admit the past few months have been very difficult. i'm not one to be emotional but things have occurred which have caused much complacency, questioning, priority shifting and such. but im glad to be on the right track. enjoying life, understanding that there will never be just a simple way, and that regardless of how many times we get fucked over, that there is hope and power in perspective. im just going to live life, find a job, be happy and learn to love the priorities in my life... men not included. HAHA

 love,

thought #127- mid-year resolutions

Day 08 - Short term goals for this month and why

as of august:

1. get a job. because its absolutely lifeless without an income and too much spare time.
2. actually study this semester. because i dont want another repeat of last's. 
3. get fit. health is wealth.
4. cut back on the filthy habits. self explanatory
5. remain single and uninvolved with the male kind. its easier that way.
6. rattle musical bones. they are starting to become dormant.
7. keep writing. even when there's no external worth. it keeps you sane
8. GET Ps. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. 
9. be a better person. because i've been a plain old hag last month haha.

love,

thought# 127- who you starting to move like?

Day 07 - A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.

i love that yeah yeah yeah's song, but the point really lies in today's challenge. the picture is not to point out that iphoto has had the most impact on my life but rather the albums within its contents. all the people, objects, words and thoughts found in my albums have played such a large part in formulating who i am today. i really couldn't choose just one person, or one item, or even one memory. they are glued together to create my worldview, my likes, my dislikes, what i am proud of, what i'm not. the people who i have known since birth, to the ones who i just met a few months ago. they all in their small yet significant way have impacted me, to collectively be the biggest impact. some for the better, some for the worse. but irrespective of the impact its been life-changing. they all somewhat orchestrate my being. they somewhat, in their disorientated way, create harmony. life.

love,

thought #126- three years ago

Day 06- A photo of you from 2007

this feels like a lifetime ago. i look so young... actually i still quite look the same haha. this photo was taken up on a ferris wheel at a christmas carnival in the philippines. this was my first vacation without my parents and to date the best yet. independent travel is simply glorious. this was near sm mall of asia and was taken with my two cousins lora and bianca ledesma. i miss them. we did get up to so much fun. i do hope to repeat this sometime.

love,

thought #125- two thousand

Day 05- A website

i absolutely adore this website. i guess there were a million i could possible choose from but i find boredom is somewhat stalled when im on here. it has everything under the sun. ive always wanted to explore the city with two thousand as my guide. i guess once i get a job and a boyfriend it can all become a reality... a job at the very least haha.

love,

ps. www.twothousand.com.au, plan your next escape/date with this. i dare you.

thought #124- wedding anniversaries

Day 04- A photo you took

i actually didn't take this photo today. it was actually last tuesday. nevertheless, i personally believe, it's an important photo. apart from the fact that it magnifies that physical skews of my old fart parents and their penchant for growing sideways over the years and losing the visual gusto that they might have once possessed, the fact that they can stand next to each other nineteen years after saying "i do" still brings me to a  place of confident awe. i mean they love to beat the shit out of each other verbally, they argue, they tease, they complain in bed, they snuggle (puke), they amuse each other and despite their flaws they can wake up next to each other and repeat the quotidian routine of life simply because they love each other.

they don't say it often. they don't even show it very well. but the evidence that they are still together in a world where everything regarding tomorrow is an uncertain relationship, assures me that they still do love each other. i hope to replicate my folks one day (not physically for the love of God haha), but relationally definitely. i want to find a man that can annoy the shit out of me and yet still want no one else to spoon each night. someone who will see my beauty underneath all that weight gain and white hair. someone who will stand by me even after the infatuation phase is over. someone worth celebrating a wedding anniversary with. so i guess i didn't just take a photo of my folks. nor did i take a photo commemorating a celebratory moment. i infact took a photo of history. an evidence that the world still knows what love is.

love.

thought# 123- mozart and the whale

is the most loveliest movie ever. its utterly captivating and i should of definitely have seen it while doing my extension 2 piece but nevertheless im glad to have seen it. anyway on with the challenge!

Day 03- What you did today

what i did today. well i don't believe i picked a very great day to represent the eventful details of my life but ill try. sunday 4th july. i awoke at 10am and snoozed for at least ten minutes before actually getting out of bed. after a quick shower, i went to church. had church then went to castle hill. munched on my favourite salad at sumo salad (chicken leafy), went to myer and purchased a dress and then went home. i watched mozart and the whale, had dinner in between and then began watching donnie darko. i fell asleep half way through... ill finish it off tomorrow. began watching the hangover, which was fucking hilarious. i have a penchant for ridiculous guy movies such as pineapple express so i actually enjoyed the hangover. the only condition is that i have to be in the mood haha. after i returned to indulge in my regular lame facebook stalking and msn chatters with various insomniacs such as myself. so that was really my day... great, laid back, not really eventful at all haha. 

love,

ps. though it was on saturday this cake looked absolutely delish. too bad i couldnt see if it was really red inside haha

thought #122- two

before i continue to the purpose of this entry, i must quickly recount on my lovely friday evening. despite the unanticipated and unexpectedness of how my night was supposed to turn out, i found myself enjoying every bit of it. despite the rip off which was unifest, i surprisingly had fun at flow and my intoxicated state probably cancelled out the fact that i was sandwiched between a gazzillion asians as if i had never left the west haha. random friends i hadn't seen in ages, familiar friends i had seen before and new friends who were cute and swoonworthy made the night enjoyable. plus the nightride really wasnt that bad. must definitely have a repeat yes? anywho on the with the challenge.

Day 02 - The meaning behind your Tumblr name (in this case blogspot name)
the name of my blogspot as you know is "croire" which essentially means believe in french. there were a few reasons as to why i chose it. firstly because i love the french language and the word croire sounded quite pretty verbally and typed. second, i guess i just like the verb believe. its something we fail to do often or fail to choose what to in some things. i guess life is riddled and founded upon the very notion of belief. its true when they say "well you got to believe in something" what exactly is what we spend our whole lives finding out. third, i guess it explains everything i write here. my thoughts, my opinions, my heartbreak, my triumphs and revelations. you can choose to believe it or go the other way round. i find myself in a tug of war all the time about who i am and i guess it forces me to come to a precipice each and everytime- to believe or not to believe.

love

thought #121- me, myself and i

I am about to embark on another 30 day trend and seeing as it is the halfway mark of the year, i thought why not do this challenge as posted on my friends tumblr (yes im a copycat, already established looong ago haha). so to begin is day one.

Day 01 - A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself (p.s. interesting is highly subjective)

1. i have an irregular heartbeat. apparently its a 2:1 lub dub ratio.  
2. i am the most pickiest eater ever. i will only eat certain foods cooked in a certain way or only a certain type (e.g. i only eat gold kiwifruit... i know like what the fuck?). 
3. i never answer my phone in the morning. actually i never really answer my phone at all.
4. i repeatedly wake up at night to look at my clock, then go back to sleep. it's routine. 
5. i have creepy stalker tendencies like starring at a person sleeping or creating alternate realities for strangers.
6. regardless of how hot it is, i must have a blanket.
7. i am the most productive being when i'm pissed off. i vent out my anger domestically.
8. i hate rollercoasters or anything that makes me feel like my heart is about to detach from the rest of my body.
9. i find it very, very difficult to cry in movies.
10. i can't ride a bicycle. yes i was deprived as a child.
11. i love anything peach except for the fruit itself.
12. i hate anything banana flavoured except for the fruit itself.
13. i am not a winter person. definitely not.
14. i get motion sickness.
15. anything pertaining to the colour black or british accents will make me love you already. 

love