thought# 113- i'm a conformist

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DEAR HUMANITY,  

i have always had a tumblr, but it was only after being inspired by numerous sources have i decided to resurrect it for a purposes other than my own selfish ranting. it's called dear humanity, and it will comprise of short letters to people, one a day. people meaning strangers, friends, lovers and everyone in between. people i know personally, people i stalk privately, people i admire publicly, no one will be ousted from being a subject. so please check it out and if you want a letter merely ask/demand kindly and you will be put on the list (ps. if you want an anonymous/coded letter please state so, theres nothing wrong with a little mystery!)

sorry, due to the day only quota, your letter may take a few days- weeks to appear but nevertheless it will be there and queued so don't be frightened to ask. i hope it makes you smile as you read, as much as it has made me to write.

love,

ps. what my new baby looks like.
pps. don't fear, ill still be using this as my means of personal ranting and rambling. anything regarding wanting to be appreciated should be referred to the tumblr :)

thought # 112- be bothered

at the risk of sounding slightly hypocritical, i am quite tired of "i can't be bothered" as an excuse to mask reality. myself included. when did we suddenly have no more energy or strength or willpower to do anything? when was the last time we were actually bothered? i feel our days are melding into a series of meaningless disposition, starring in front of a computer screen, fixated by a television, against the door of a refrigerator, cursing a book we are forced to study. when out of the ordinary kindness is no longer existent and effort is surprising.

and as a result of our i cbb (i mean we cant even be bothered to even write that we can't be bothered these days) every other aspect and detail of our lives are doused with this attitude. suddenly its a mission to find a man who can be bothered to love you with enough effort to sustain your heart and yet not suffocate you. suddenly its a miracle to find a friend worthy of meeting up with you regardless of the  hour, weather and location because your call was urgent. suddenly its a fantasy to find people who put in more than just the required effort and go over and beyond to complete, bring joy, share a little generosity and amore.

i'm not saying that everyone should go and buy a house for their best friend to show them that they care, nor does this mean bombard that girl with a million text messages to show your dedication (that's just creepy). i mean maybe we should stop lingering in that cbb state and remind ourselves and the people we adore of the things that shouldn't be seen as extraordinary in the first place. scribble a little note of thanks to your parents, call up your friend randomly to see how they are, bake some cookies for your special friend, tell a stranger they look wonderful today (in a non- freaky, i just want you in my pants kind of way). even when you may feel that it isn't worth it. be a little bothered, maybe the world will show some bother back to you.

love,

ps. fuck it, just this once.

thought #111- holiday mode

so i'm trying to find every possible reason, excuse and alibi to not study for tuesday's management final exam and as a result i have concocted some possible holiday options on a peasant's budget (if that is even possible?). and so begins the listing and the wishing and waiting in the hope that reality doesn't disappoint and winter finally gets into my good books.

abi's ten things to do this semester break:

1. visit the bavarian bier cafe and have an anticipated metre long schnapps train.
note: if i pass out, convulse or anything of the like, burn every photo of evidence. also don't believe a word i say, especially if it begins with "i love..." or " if this was my last night alive..." haha.

2. beat the unemployment blues and get a job.
note: this should reverse the overspending and miraculously introduce me to the alien concept of saving.

3. visit ben and jerry's at manly.
note: i know ice cream in winter is seen as either insane, cliche or romantic but i refrain from any preconceived ideas. i just want my damn ice cream alright?

4. go on holidays with my bestfriend.
note: it would of been my two, but the other is off canoodling with european hunks somewhere in the northern hempisphere (im so jealous and miss you!).
so a destination and date unknown, though it will most likely be domestic. i don't even care as long as we escape to a place where no one knows who we are.

5. read and write.
note: finish articles for sounderrated.com, finish all the books i began and did not end (bulgakov, dahl, nais etc).

6. have that miyazaki movie marathon.
note: i know this is long overdue, so i will call my two boys soon and find all those movies we shall view until the early hours of the morning.

7. drive more.
note: i know the recurrent theme of "soon" in association to getting my Ps is shit stirring. once i have conquered parking i promise i'll book my test.

8.  have little catch ups with many people.
note: whether this incorporates ALOT OF CHATTER combined with taking photographs from an old camera, high tea, vintage shopping, din din, wine and michael cera movies at mine, secret playdates, getting a little messy, coffee, a little road trip, the movies, strolling the sydney streets, or nothing at all... i miss your presence. we will see each other soon. if you don't hear from me, i want to hear from you.

9. attend the strokes concert.
note: scantily clad, despite the freezing weather. potentially crushed in a moshpit and rubbing up against sweaty strangers. partly drunk, partly lust- asphyxiated. for the love of julian.

10. cook.
note: at mine or yours, grocery shopping included. straight from a family old recipe or a cookbook. who will be my partner in crime?
this will also be a guiltless means of winter gorging, before i starve myself for the spring (i kid, calm down haha).

love,

ps. now this a real holiday, sigh.
pps. i need a break from life haha.

thought #110- cut, copy, erase

tonight i lament and attempt to forget my horrible failing of today's accounting exam with mrs field's mini cookies and lambrusco. so far the wonderfully sickening practice of gorging and binge drinking has taken me from woeful to thoughtful. thoughtful about everything in fact. about life, love, the universe. deep i know haha. well i just finished watching eternal sunshine of a spotless mind for the 9347587th time and yet again i have fallen in love with the movie. i adore how clever and thought provoking it is, but specifically i love how it reminded me that when you meet someone, memories of the good will always be married to memories of the bad. we cannot merely escape the reality that as humans we will hurt (and be hurt in return), be annoying, pushy, clingy, needed, absurd, perversive, insulting, careless and the list potentially perpetuates. but to find someone who will stand by you regardless of those shitface moments, bickering and an inability to fully understand. someone who knows you for the monster that you sometimes are and is willing to say "ok" and love you all the same, now that is someone worthy of your time and heart.

so i guess as i wonder if the opportunity came, would i ever want to fully erase the memories and existence of a significant person in my life... only to realise half way through how much i still care? would they be worth finding as a stranger once again, repeating subconscious deja vu and finding that despite everything, they would still make a difference no matter how many times i would want to erase them?

now there's someone worth loving.

love,

p.s. sigh at the blanket scene and the goodbye whilst the house is falling apart... michael gondry you're a genius.

so underrated

Letter Writing 

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my first ever online article. so please be kind, regardless if you find it shit haha. 

rate, comment or both would be much appreciated.

much love! 

thought # 109- i dare you to be happy

i've been musing lately about alot of the things that i don't like. the things that annoy me, the people that confuse me, the problems, mistakes, moroseness and the negativity. frankly, it has left me with an empty bottle of vodka, pages of scribbles, sad songs on repeat, a lack of motivation to study and a backward appreciation/expectancy for the future. everything synonymous with being emotional and depressed (everything i blame the weather for, when clearly it's my fault). how pathetic.

i miss being happy. i know that sounds sappy, but its true. i miss smiling for no reason, not caring for anything problematic, sneaking downstairs to eat ice cream from the tub, anticipating tomorrow and the next day, listening to cheesy 90's songs, feeling jittery like a little girl and waking up with so much more than my own existence to look forward to. i know this is odd, but i feel better after writing a list of things i adore. i know, some people eyebrow rise and think what a freak. but whatever works for you. whatever gets you happy; be it skinny dipping, getting an impulsive piercing, speaking in silences, eating chocolate cake or slow dancing with your lover. whatever it is, write a list, remind yourself, do it.

abi's seventeen things i love:

1. beautiful girls with long dishevelled hair and hoop nose rings.
2. having a warm bath with a book and a million candles.
3. scrabble.
4. singing lame songs on karaoke whilst intoxicated.
5. playing dress- ups.
6. the smell of fresh cookies you've baked.
7. high tea.
8. taking the loveliest photos with old cameras.
9. the ugly phase of a haircut.
10. cuddling up to a friend/stranger/lover whilst watching anything french or michael cera related.
11. memories of pay day.
12. deep and meaningful conversations.
13. reunions.
14. hersheys chocolate.
15. perving on handsome strangers on the bus that don't even know you exist.

16. quirky, cute websites and blogs like www. twothousand.com, www.hel-looks.com and my new favourite http://thxthxthx.com/
17. no pressure, sweet nothings.

love,

ps. wait make that eighteen things i love: 18. c.s. lewis quotes.
pps. thanks ben, i adore your tumblr.

thought # 108- i thought perpetual, you thought seasonal

as i write, intertwined between my blankets, tired, vacant and nursing a headache that the rain, lack of thermal underwear and unbearable cold has kindly given, i think of my favourite (insert sarcasm) season of the year. personally, apart from the fashion and end of financial year sales, i do not fancy winter at all. some people adore the chill, the reason to resurrect their old gumboots and oversized knitwear, the hot chocolate/scrabble/movie nights in front of a blazing fire, the unintentional weight gain, the bed weather, taking photos of dead branches, scribbling your crush's name on a fogged up car window and everything that winter is synonymous with. although these reasons are good and pleasant to have, i don't believe we need a whole season to do this. as cliched and hackneyed as it sounds, i find that the cyclical moments of life are in sync with the seasons. in retrospect, i look back to the first six months of 2010 and find myself overwhelmed by all the events and happenings it carries and is yet to reveal.

summer was sizzling, hot, impulsive and brilliant. the weather equated the tanned skin i received from qld, the staple of singlets and shorts echoed the events of sydney festival and air conditioning brought me back to late night skype chats with friends, strangers and friends who were once strangers. university did not yet exist, responsibility was unheard of, legalities were chimerical and the world was a naked canvas ready to be explored and exploited.

autumn arrived with much change, it was a season that began as passe and in between, the exact definition of autumn. then life sighted a tornado and an unexpected whirlwind began. i turned 18, i began filthy habits, university was not as delightful as i envisioned it to once be. the heart palpitated and simultaneously crumbled over unpredicated amazing strangers. stress levels rose, it was an intoxicating few months of euphoria and rollercoasters. fun fun fun.

until winter arrived. and to be fair, it has only been four days so i cannot bad mouth it entirely. it may unexpectedly shift for the better and i find winter as the best season to come. however, from observations, i find my days are peppered with stress, sencha peach tea permanently inside my plunger, expensive habits in my bag and on my fingers, unworthily chatting to God, alcoholic friday nights, still awake at 3am and this empty feeling- that no emotion can exactly pinpoint- where one cannot see any progress, happiness but is still hoping. hoping not for a repeat of summer or autumn, nor for things to unrealistically "become all good again" but that absurd, secretly lovely hope we all nurse in our spirits and mutter under our breath that whatever life is or will be

is just, for we are just... seasonal.

love,

ps. this somewhat totally american, but i adore it.