thought #174- how do you measure a man?

how can you measure how much you're worth to someone? is it by the amount of time they spend with you? the sacrifice and going out of their way to personally lavish and love you? is it by the way they pour themselves out as if your sight makes them want to cut their heart in half and spill lust, love, fear and hope? is it by words, actions, silent adoration?

it's so easy to proclaim and reassure ones self, saying things like sure they love me and of course they'll have my back. but then one ugly moment, hurtful deed, words  suddenly makes you doubt your faith in that so called dedicated person. its so easy to think you know a person that well, you think they value what you once shared or still share, then they press the delete on your existence in their life and forget you. then suddenly you question your worth to that person. sadly, "i thought they loved me" is a common mistake. moral of the story? people will let you down, relationships won't always be as sunshine and lollipops, but honestly if the person you value and prioritise considers you an option, think again. if the person you're contemplating staying with, doesn't see your worth, walk away. assumptions suck. "i thought" always hurts. don't be an idiot and wait for the day when he/she/they say to your face "you don't mean anything to me." there's so much better in store. life awaits.

love, 

thought #173- blood bonds

Day 9: A photo of your family

they drive me insane, i drive them insane. God, how i love them.

love,

thought #172- for the love of julian

Day 8: A photo of your favourite musician/band

to be honest, he isn't my favourite musician of all time. blasphemy i know. there's just so many people whose sound blow my mind. but julian casablancas is definitely my favourite musician to look at haha. no competition there.

love,

ps. the pleasure's all mine, jules.

thought #171- boy friend

i've always wanted a boy bestfriend who i could never love. or spend my whole life trying to brainwash myself to think otherwise. we would do everything together; publicly platonic, privately consumed. we would spend hours on the phone raging about nonsense, visit cities together and take horrible photos whilst intoxicated. we would sip tea and cook each other breakfast, tell each other secrets and ask each other if our bum looked big in that pair of jeans. we would read books together and play scrabble and be competitive until someone caves in and becomes the sore loser. we would know what was on each other's minds without speech. we would slowdance to jeff buckley in the evenings and pathetic rockstar dance to reptillia during the day. we would have arguments that would last for days and fights that hurt us more than the other would know but still manage to work things out and conclude with a sorry. we would go camping in the backyard, confess of new loves and secretly cry over them. we would console each other over heartaches and lavish each other with limitless amounts of cuddles and spooning. we would shout over rooftops and smoke cigarettes in the dark. we would write about each other in journals and let each other read it after the year goes by. we would kiss once, impulsively, realise how awkward it was then never do it again. we would grow up, move to different cities, live different lives, marry different people and realise suddenly in the moment of mediocrity that we can really love and do life with no one, the way we could with each other. my kind of love story haha.

love,

 

thought #170- self- destruction

i, along with the six billion people in this universe, have my fair share of insecurities. i have days where i pass by the mirror and curse my absence of a nose, my pathetic truncated version of legs and my non-existent rack. i have days where i stare blankly at a textbook and wish thinking came that naturally. i have days where i question if i will ever really find the one for me, or will life be peppered with innumerable hit and misses until my heart is nothing left but an empty chamber of what i once knew to be love. i have days where i pretend i'm not concerned about what people think about me, that i'm not confused, that i'm altogether and constructed. i have days where i wish i didn't have to live in a world of subconscious expectation, where we didn't have to worry about friends and lovers being strangers again, where the people we love never died, where the concept of lies were foreign and we would all have a good time and never have to wake up with a hangover the next morning. i have days where i feel utterly ashamed about who i am and am frightened that God might never want to talk to me again. in summary, i have shit, sunshine's- not-coming-out-of-my-ass- this- time, days.

but then i think as much as insecurities are wired within our human nature, it's pure self- destruction. you don't gain anything from it and the people around you essentially don't benefit (unless everyone hates you... bitch haha i kid). maybe we can be optimistic for once. i don't mean big headedness or surreality, i mean accept all facets of life. i mean everday its a conscious quest to accept the fact that i'm not supermodel material with freakishly gazelle legs. or that i'm not albert einstein and never will come close to being him. or that i still don't know the answers to many questions i conjure, like if i will die alone. but if there's not one single man on this earth i'm supposed to be with, happiness and love still exists because it will never merely be determined by mushy wooing words or the way you turn gelloid when he touches you. or that i will never fully understand, or perfectly have it alltogether, and that the world i want will never come to being so waste no time thinking about what people think of you or what you want but can never have.

seize what you can now. love what is in front of you. battle with what is given in your hands. accept the fact that you will always have shit days. that you will always have insecurities. because that's what a human being is. we're just a bunch of insecure skin and bones, taped together by a brain that overanalyses and a heart that doesn't know when to stop beating at the actions of pricks. but thankfully, our Creator didn't just make us and leave us to fend for ourselves. i think the whole difference comes down to purpose. that there is so much more than this. that eternity isn't idealistic. that in comparison, my insecurities are but a smidgen in the bigger picture of humanity.

love,

ps. insecurities are what you may have, but they don't make who you are.

thought #169- love is not the absence of hate

it's the absence of fear.


Day 7: A photo of someone you love

to be honest, there isn't a lot of people i truly wholeheartedly love. i know that sounds monstrous and horrible but it's true. i mean of course i adore my friends and favourites but at the end of the day if someone were to ask me who i, apart from God, unconditionally love, sacrifice myself for it would be my parents. i mean yes we get into a lot of shit and arguments and sometimes they drive me insane (though i suspect the feeling is mutual) they have loved me (by default) ever since i came into this world and i know whatever happens they will never cease to. these are the people i can trust, who look out for me, who try to understand me, who want what's best for me even if i can't see the benefit. at the end of the day these are the two who would dive in front of a bullet for me. i'm there one and only and i love them immensely.

it kind of saddens me when i hear kids saying how much they hate their parents, and i mean yes there are times when their stubborn, tough love makes you want to punch someone in the face, but your parents are the only ones you've got. you don't get a second pair. i say make the most of what you've got. love what you have. see things from their perspective and even at the points you disagree, respect the difference. i hate to sound like im lecturing, because i'm far from the perfect example of how to be an immaculate child, i just know there's no gain in being depressed and distant with your parents. i've tried it before and being angry is just shit. you don't gain anything being the "misunderstood" immature delinquent. i know, i know cheesedick suck up spiel. but it's the truth. until i find a man who is synonymous with love, the closest platonic thing i've got are my two old farts. bless them.

love,

thought # 168- laughter is the best medicine

cliche but true.


Day 6: A photo that makes you laugh

There are honestly a million. but the first that caught my eye is a tumblr treasure. i don't even remember on whose tumblr exactly i just remember thinking it was hilarious. enjoy!

love,

thought #167- vocal chords

study for finals are officially doing my head in. so much to learn and cram and still so much i am yet to understand. the fear of failure is a terrible reality. so as a result of my accumulated stress, i chose the healthier alternative to smoking half a deck and singing. believe it or not, i sing to unwind. i think people have this gross miscalculation that i sing all the time, every single minute of the day. this is sorely untrue. back in the days i used to sing alot, these days i'm spared to moments of boredom, gigs and in this case stress. vocalisation = stress relief. i highly recommend it.

now knowing that not alot of people read this i feel safe enough to post a raw, uncut vid of me doing a cover. this is certainly not youtube worthy haha. so i'm not even going to bother promoting it. it's a weird thing to watch and listen back to vids you record. it shows the faults in your voice. i've seen many in this vid, can you? haha irrespective of that fact, here's a vid. since i've never posted one on this. and it's the voice within (christina aguilera). cheesy pop songs note are also the best songs to vocalise in. they may be trashy and shit but they extend the vocal range tremendously... trust me haha.

anywho enjoy and i challenge you next time you are in need of a chill pill. sing. really how shit or brilliant doesn't matter. just do it.

love,

thought #166- me again

Day 5: A photo of you

i think i've had my fair share of narcissism on my own blog so i hope they don't ask for a similar request again! the latest luvo in the innumerable pile (how embarrassing).

love,

thought #165- take me away

Day 4: A photo of the last place you went on holiday

it's slightly depressing to think that my last real "holiday" was almost a year ago. although my 2010 has been filled with much adventure and change, it has sadly been starved of a proper holiday. so i must say the most recent is schoolies. and what a holiday it was. it epitomised the meaning of a vacation, utter relaxation from the thoughts of hsc, not a care in the world. one week away from family, civilisation and the suburbia we call home. one week of recklessness, drunken nights, hot beached days and feeling all mature cooking and cleaning. more than friends feelings emerged, dnms made, things we regret, things we don't but all in all it was one hell of a holiday. i do miss it. i need to be taken away this summer again. rid myself from uni, responsibility, thoughts and maturity and just chill for old times sake :)

love,

thought #164- happiness is not an emotion, its a state of mind

Day 3: A photo that makes you happy

i have many photos that make me happy. it's almost impossible to simply select one. i've decided to base my answers on this challenge in regards to 2010 (unless instructed otherwise) so narrowing it down (still difficult) it would have to be this photo

this was taken in april 2010, for my 18th birthday dinner. i have to say that this night was one to place in the subconscious pile of eventful, amazing moments in life. in the company of the people i adored, 5 star hotel dining, followed by a messy night clubbing. it was exactly how i wanted my 18th to be, refined and a little wild simultaneously. i remember being in a state of euphoria at this point of life. not a care in the world. uni still being breezy, heart still intact, friends and family by my side. it really was such an amazing night of this year. i still can't help grin whenever i see this. i miss it, but i know life can only get much better than this.

love,

thought#163- summer lovin'

i cannot absolutely wait until finals are done with and i can begin enjoying my summer. the to-do list has emerged once again with much to do and accomplish. so here's the holiday schedule and a farewell to all things dignified and a bank account with money in it.

the summer holiday list:

1. pass all spring subjects (must, must, must).
2. finalise 2011 timetable.
3. GET Ps!
4. work all day.
5. play and party with lovelies.
6. purchase entire box sets of daria and skins.
7. visit the beach
8. go on a holiday (be it local or wherever, in dire need to escape).
9. grow locks.
10. lose winter wobble.
11. get inked.
12. record.
13. write.
14. gig.
15. absinthe salon.
16. cooking classes.
17. dinner and high tea.
18. organise friperie
19. sponsor a compassion child.
20. love life. 

oh this summer looks so amazing. now to study and momentarily anguish about my teritary study.

love,