the fear of commitment has never been an issue in the past. i am a dedicated person by nature. i'm never half assed when venturing out into the unknown be it a new hobby, a new semester of study (that can be argued) or in this case a new relationship. i guess consequently, as a result for giving away too much too soon, i end up feeling like the dejected, miserable little turd that committed to something without checking whether the other party was on the same page. even (and especially) during the times i've been conscious as not to get too involved but end up stepping into the deep end and drowning in my own patheticness. but lately, and to be honest i don't know if this has been conjured by terminal singleness or my hopes for leaving the country next semester, or my sudden apathetic and laid back approach to life in general, i've been feeling uncommitted with matters pertaining to the heart.
now don't get me wrong, this doesnt mean i've turned into a crazy bachelorette aspiring to have crazy monkey sex with a different man every night, get married to my job and live a lonely, meaningless life which i will regret at 85. hell no. i still want to find that man i am to commit myself to. i still want to get married, have babies, establish a career and live a life as an extension of myself and the real cause of humanity. i still believe that God has a big plan and bright future ahead. it just feels like now, at the tender age of 19 (almost 20), this serious stuff which i've been internally preparing myself for since high school has suddenly been put on hold.
i can't help think i've taken a male approach to this. and i don't ever intend to be a dick about it because i can still recount all too well how much it sucked to be in the position of the rejected. but honestly i just want some fun. i want to explore, enjoy life, taste what the world has to offer. i mean if by chance i stumble into the man of my dreams then it's an all go on my end and i'd be more than happy to commit. but until then, until that fateful day and until i have no firm reason as to commit then i'm going to life the happy go lucky life. i am going to be young and a little restless and a little careless. but i'll never forget my roots, my foundation, my Creator and my purpose.
i guess in summation i'm no longer compelled to find a boy. i'm no longer wishing that i was in a relationship like what appears to be the rest of the universe. i mean i'm open and receptive for you to come into my life but please don't think that i want to get serious. we'll cross the bridge when we get there. just please don't expect so much of me and i will do the same with you too.
love,
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
thought #236- if only you knew
and in that moment, that very moment she looked back and her hair dramatically flicked in an instance of brunette glory and her shimmery red dress (she saved up for three weeks to buy) embraced her tiny delicate body, i thought god you're so beautiful. and it wasn't in the way the other boys in my class would think when a cute girl walked past in the hallway, wolf whistling and salivating until her ass disappeared around the corner. it was the way an artist stood back to admire his painting in a sort of reverent awe or the way a husband would feel watching his bride make her way from walking down an aisle into eternity.
it was unbelievable. she was unbelievable.
and she waved and blew me a kiss and yelled on the top of her lungs that she would call me tomorrow before holding hands with that bastard from the year above. and he winked my way as if to say "good night sucker, i'm going to be riding your woman all night." and the thought made me nauseous because tonight they would fuck. not make love, fuck. and i knew she deserved only love and everything else; the necking behind the school building on monday afternoons, the feeling up at the drive-in movies, losing your virginity at a weekend party was meaningless. ridiculous.
she was worth far more.
and all i could think about, as she hopped into the car and stuck her head out of the window screaming how much she loved me, was the time i took her to the secret garden behind my house after her mother died. and there we sat with a bottle of cheap wine, a few joints and a goodbye note and it was perfect. we cried and we wrote our farewells and we voiced our fears and we sealed our future with each other. she told me how much she loved me and valued me and could never imagine herself without me and i thought the same but so much more. more than she could comprehend or ever reciprocate. and all the feelings of loving you and protecting you and wanting you creeped into me, past my skin and into the very valves of my heart and burst into an amazing reaction of hormones, emotion, adoration and the supernatural.
but all i could do was kiss you on the forehead.
and so i waved and watched as she drove off, her body moving further and further away until she was merely a single dot in the distance and in that instance i realised that in essence, i meant as much to her as that single dot. i thought it didn't matter how many times she appeared at my front door in the middle of night with tears strolling down her face because another fucker took advantage of her. and it didn't matter how many times we would fall asleep in each other's arms. and it didn't matter how many holidays and birthday parties and family dinners and funerals that we would both attend. because she had only visited the secret garden once and never again since her mother passed away. that time we were almost in sync that my heart ached. that one time.
just a single dot in the distance.
and in that moment, that very moment as i faced the opposite direction and lit a cigarette i thought the same thought that haunted me for ten years. if only you knew. god, i would of died to have you.
if only you knew.
love,
it was unbelievable. she was unbelievable.
and she waved and blew me a kiss and yelled on the top of her lungs that she would call me tomorrow before holding hands with that bastard from the year above. and he winked my way as if to say "good night sucker, i'm going to be riding your woman all night." and the thought made me nauseous because tonight they would fuck. not make love, fuck. and i knew she deserved only love and everything else; the necking behind the school building on monday afternoons, the feeling up at the drive-in movies, losing your virginity at a weekend party was meaningless. ridiculous.
she was worth far more.
and all i could think about, as she hopped into the car and stuck her head out of the window screaming how much she loved me, was the time i took her to the secret garden behind my house after her mother died. and there we sat with a bottle of cheap wine, a few joints and a goodbye note and it was perfect. we cried and we wrote our farewells and we voiced our fears and we sealed our future with each other. she told me how much she loved me and valued me and could never imagine herself without me and i thought the same but so much more. more than she could comprehend or ever reciprocate. and all the feelings of loving you and protecting you and wanting you creeped into me, past my skin and into the very valves of my heart and burst into an amazing reaction of hormones, emotion, adoration and the supernatural.
but all i could do was kiss you on the forehead.
and so i waved and watched as she drove off, her body moving further and further away until she was merely a single dot in the distance and in that instance i realised that in essence, i meant as much to her as that single dot. i thought it didn't matter how many times she appeared at my front door in the middle of night with tears strolling down her face because another fucker took advantage of her. and it didn't matter how many times we would fall asleep in each other's arms. and it didn't matter how many holidays and birthday parties and family dinners and funerals that we would both attend. because she had only visited the secret garden once and never again since her mother passed away. that time we were almost in sync that my heart ached. that one time.
just a single dot in the distance.
and in that moment, that very moment as i faced the opposite direction and lit a cigarette i thought the same thought that haunted me for ten years. if only you knew. god, i would of died to have you.
if only you knew.
love,
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
thought #235- same face, new name
as you may or may not have realised or recognised, this blog has a new name. i thought it apt to shake things up a bit and bid "croire" farewell and to welcome the non permanent arrival of this epithet.
lacuna |ləˈkjuːnə|
noun ( pl. -nae |-niː| or -nas )
an unfilled space or interval; a gap : the journal has filled a lacuna in Middle Eastern studies.
• a missing portion in a book or manuscript.
• Anatomy a cavity or depression, esp. in bone.
for those who don't know what lacuna means it basically means a gap, a pause, a bridge into the next. i thought that this name was considerably appropriate due to the fact that it this blog, my musings, the thoughts that run deep within my system and life itself is one huge gap into the next. just a fleeting moment before the greater life we are called to live. a simple breath into what lies ahead. so i guess life is the lacuna. each memory i recount and musing i ponder over in retrospect are somewhat trivial and profound pauses. i guess it makes more sense this way.
love,
lacuna |ləˈkjuːnə|
noun ( pl. -nae |-niː| or -nas )
an unfilled space or interval; a gap : the journal has filled a lacuna in Middle Eastern studies.
• a missing portion in a book or manuscript.
• Anatomy a cavity or depression, esp. in bone.
for those who don't know what lacuna means it basically means a gap, a pause, a bridge into the next. i thought that this name was considerably appropriate due to the fact that it this blog, my musings, the thoughts that run deep within my system and life itself is one huge gap into the next. just a fleeting moment before the greater life we are called to live. a simple breath into what lies ahead. so i guess life is the lacuna. each memory i recount and musing i ponder over in retrospect are somewhat trivial and profound pauses. i guess it makes more sense this way.
love,
Thursday, January 12, 2012
thought #234- he, she
here you are again complaining about the way she doesn't get you. about the way everything was so easy until someone had to put a label on it. about how she rushed you into it, about how you weren't ready but simultaneously unprepared to let things be. here you are wishing that somehow you could rewind the time to when it was all but a delusional bliss. everything made sense, you say, back then. nothing was pressuring, nothing was serious. let's see how we go, you both agreed. but now, in retrospect, you think that it must have only been you present at that agreement. she's too clingy, too moody, too distant, too bitchy, too difficult, too stubborn, too selfish, too much (too human, perhaps?) for someone like you. here you are regretting the effort you spent to make her feel like she was the most important woman in the world. how uncomplicated things should still be, if only someone didn't utter those words "i love you" and the other feigned they didn't hear. here you are again trying to discover what it is that she really wants from you. trying to understand why having each other just isn't enough. that somehow, all the happiness you once felt and associated with her presence has now been snatched from you. this, you admit, was all a big mistake.
and here you are again complaining about the way he doesn't get you. about how he has suddenly become someone completely different from the person you initially fell for. about how everything was so meaningful back then. the way he went out of his way to make you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. from the most tiny and mundane to the most significant moments. he used to make the effort, you tell me. he rushed you into it, time didn't seem to be important and you were too smitten not to let things be as they were. here you are again, swollen eyes and trembling voice, wishing you weren't so pathetic. that your goodbyes really meant goodbye instead of allowing withdrawals to be an excuse to cave in. but now, in retrospect, you think that you weren't the only pathetic one in the relationship. he's too overprotective, too jealous, too narrow minded, too suspicious, too right in everything, too indifferent, too much for someone like you. how could you have not seen this earlier? you ask. here you are regretting on giving away fragments of irreplaceable heart, giving too much away and becoming so vulnerable. suddenly you realise how foolish you were to think that he was the best you'll ever have. if only someone didn't utter those words "i love you" and the other feigned they didn't hear, then maybe. maybe you could of saved yourself from you.
love,
and here you are again complaining about the way he doesn't get you. about how he has suddenly become someone completely different from the person you initially fell for. about how everything was so meaningful back then. the way he went out of his way to make you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. from the most tiny and mundane to the most significant moments. he used to make the effort, you tell me. he rushed you into it, time didn't seem to be important and you were too smitten not to let things be as they were. here you are again, swollen eyes and trembling voice, wishing you weren't so pathetic. that your goodbyes really meant goodbye instead of allowing withdrawals to be an excuse to cave in. but now, in retrospect, you think that you weren't the only pathetic one in the relationship. he's too overprotective, too jealous, too narrow minded, too suspicious, too right in everything, too indifferent, too much for someone like you. how could you have not seen this earlier? you ask. here you are regretting on giving away fragments of irreplaceable heart, giving too much away and becoming so vulnerable. suddenly you realise how foolish you were to think that he was the best you'll ever have. if only someone didn't utter those words "i love you" and the other feigned they didn't hear, then maybe. maybe you could of saved yourself from you.
love,
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
thought #233- the author
finally 2012 has arrived and i couldn't be more excited and slightly terrified at all the prospects that will be birthed, adventures that will be taken and memories that will be etched in our minds and maybe the contents of our hearts permanently. as to continue tradition, it would feel strange of me not to divulge the unfolding of our new years eve. most of it spent in a blur of rekordlig, cigarettes, bonfires, ben's bed, backyard fireworks, Seinfeld reruns and power naps. it was as chilled and messy as i wanted my new years to be and i am more than thankful for having brought in the new year without my face in a toilet bowl. i guess some spliffs would of been icing on the cake but i'm not too picky haha. what did get me thinking that night was the lovely conversations with my gorgeous friend ben. i guess the whole moment we spent lying in bed like an old couple talking and napping made me suddenly miss the affection, the comfort, the familiarity of having someone by your side. it was strange because in the past, feelings associated with this quixotic notion usually ended up with me missing my former favourite boy or a past insignificant crush. however in that very moment and in retrospect, i didn't think about anyone in particular. i just wanted someone to hold... as cheesy and pathetic as that sounds haha it was no longer wanting a boyfriend minus the relationship or just a straight out relationship for that very matter. it was just the idea of having someone there. sure i miss the lunch dates and the butterflies and the late night phone calls and the doing nothing. but it just wasn't what i was looking for. it was the physical, human company. in all honesty i wish i could of just held bens hand there in the dark or held on to him that night, not out of romanticism or to hint a fuck. but, out of what they call platonic bed buddies, purely for the sake of knowing someone was beside me and that the single bed was not extending into an all encompassing gulf and that he would be there in the morning and that would be enough for me. i know it's strange feelings to articulate and i totally understand if you're reading this thinking... what the fuck is she on about? someone give the girl a penis now! haha but really it's not sex. it's the looming feeling of loneliness and the desire to want to fill the void. the peace of having someone there and being content and knowing that this is happiness. for now anyway.
love,
ps. audrey hepburn feels me.
love,
Monday, December 19, 2011
thought #232- la lumière et obscurité
i never seem to get used to being asked something as simple as "who are you?" i often fumble, nervously giggle, awkwardly attempt to evade the naked truth with something witty and irrelevant. because in actual fact that question is as complex as my internal organs. and honestly it frightens me because i know deep inside i can't genuinely answer that question. being asked "who do you think you are?" is even worse. i might as well be asked why God exists or why boys love the chase and fuck the loving up or why people have to die? i mean who am i to say, does my opinion even constitute or contribute to anything vaguely meaningful? but then again apart from our Creator, i guess i'm the closest human being to knowing who i am the most.
i'll be honest (and not with feigned modesty), talking about who i am is kind of difficult. maybe i'm not the only one here, or maybe i am. i mean i feel awkward already as i type and think about what subject i am about to delve into. perhaps it's the fact that you're sharing/remembering/discovering/rediscovering fragments of your being that you never thought existed. or that you secretly wish didn't exist. we all have that la lumière (light) and obscurité (dark) side to ourselves. we're essentially all walking contradictions and live paradoxes (blame it on human nature). but i guess no matter how aware we are of our weaknesses and strengths, flaws and features and everything in between, the fact that we only know to a certain extent scares us shitless; as if one day we'll wake up, look in the mirror and wholeheartedly not know whose grimace we're starring back at.
from what i do know about myself there are alot of things i appreciate and would rather exchange limbs for about who i am. for one i'm not altogether. i'm not perfect or even good. i try to be a daughter one who desires to make her parents proud. i try to be a good student and finish my degree and get a good job that will sustain my lifestyle and bring comfort to my parents and family in the long run. i have innumerable dreams, big ambitions and goals. i want to travel so badly. i love to sing and write and watch movies all day long. i have a weakness for handsome europeans, skim mochas, cigarettes, books that i can highlight "epitomic" lines and sushi. i love tea and jelly beans and monochrome outfits and clogs and ink and beautiful paintings and instagraming everything. but i guess all this is surface stuff. things that people already know, regardless if they know me very well or from the constraints of a friendly conversation or mere observation.
but i guess there are other things, like the way i struggle to be happy with my body or the way i wish i was a better Christian. the doubt i have for ever finding someone who i will truly spend the rest of my life with and the feeling that i'm so unworthy if that person ever crosses my path. then there's the fear that i'll never fulfill my dreams and goals and ambitions and live a life reflecting the hard work i put in or one that will make my parents proud. i sometimes have morbid dreams about my death or feel depressed about things in sporadic bouts. then the haunt of past mistakes and decisions. the unnerving questions of why can't i let go? and why should i? and that gut wrenching feeling if this is all meaningless....
i'm obviously not altogether. but i guess this is life. and the answer isn't always for us and this is why journeys exist. but to be optimistic, for every obscurité is la lumière and somehow, no matter how fucked up our decisions are or how life can be we still have freewill and we still have reasons to smile and be thankful. the very fact that we were brought into this planet was no accident and the very reason why i have things to appreciate about life is sometimes just enough to get me by. until i finally crack the code (maybe one day, maybe never) i'll leave the big questions as they are and the self-discovery as they come,
love,
i'll be honest (and not with feigned modesty), talking about who i am is kind of difficult. maybe i'm not the only one here, or maybe i am. i mean i feel awkward already as i type and think about what subject i am about to delve into. perhaps it's the fact that you're sharing/remembering/discovering/rediscovering fragments of your being that you never thought existed. or that you secretly wish didn't exist. we all have that la lumière (light) and obscurité (dark) side to ourselves. we're essentially all walking contradictions and live paradoxes (blame it on human nature). but i guess no matter how aware we are of our weaknesses and strengths, flaws and features and everything in between, the fact that we only know to a certain extent scares us shitless; as if one day we'll wake up, look in the mirror and wholeheartedly not know whose grimace we're starring back at.
from what i do know about myself there are alot of things i appreciate and would rather exchange limbs for about who i am. for one i'm not altogether. i'm not perfect or even good. i try to be a daughter one who desires to make her parents proud. i try to be a good student and finish my degree and get a good job that will sustain my lifestyle and bring comfort to my parents and family in the long run. i have innumerable dreams, big ambitions and goals. i want to travel so badly. i love to sing and write and watch movies all day long. i have a weakness for handsome europeans, skim mochas, cigarettes, books that i can highlight "epitomic" lines and sushi. i love tea and jelly beans and monochrome outfits and clogs and ink and beautiful paintings and instagraming everything. but i guess all this is surface stuff. things that people already know, regardless if they know me very well or from the constraints of a friendly conversation or mere observation.
but i guess there are other things, like the way i struggle to be happy with my body or the way i wish i was a better Christian. the doubt i have for ever finding someone who i will truly spend the rest of my life with and the feeling that i'm so unworthy if that person ever crosses my path. then there's the fear that i'll never fulfill my dreams and goals and ambitions and live a life reflecting the hard work i put in or one that will make my parents proud. i sometimes have morbid dreams about my death or feel depressed about things in sporadic bouts. then the haunt of past mistakes and decisions. the unnerving questions of why can't i let go? and why should i? and that gut wrenching feeling if this is all meaningless....
i'm obviously not altogether. but i guess this is life. and the answer isn't always for us and this is why journeys exist. but to be optimistic, for every obscurité is la lumière and somehow, no matter how fucked up our decisions are or how life can be we still have freewill and we still have reasons to smile and be thankful. the very fact that we were brought into this planet was no accident and the very reason why i have things to appreciate about life is sometimes just enough to get me by. until i finally crack the code (maybe one day, maybe never) i'll leave the big questions as they are and the self-discovery as they come,
love,
Monday, December 12, 2011
thought #231- you're my uninspiration
not to sound artistically stifled or pathetically romantic but i've been feeling kind of uninspired lately. perhaps it's the ho hum of life as we speak. the banality and busyness of work and scheming for the new year. sadly this lack of inspiration has manifested into how i am and act on a daily basis. it's three weeks or so before 2012 opens it's eyes and leads us into another whirlwind of a year however, 2011 still hasn't finished and thus we should strive to keep the momentum, hence my little list to inspire and hopefully revive my once incited nature. i guess these little adoptions and adaptions in life can give me the sort of energy and optimism that will see me embracing life like a maniac and loving every minute of my existence despite how crappy it can be.
abi's list of self- inspiration into 2012
love,
abi's list of self- inspiration into 2012
- exercise. create a routine habit of working out. an hour a day, five days a week.
- be healthy. this means avoiding frequent intoxication, and cutting back on cigs... death.
- eat. welcome meat once again in my life!
- write. note to self, buy moleskine and fill with ideas and verbosity. continue writing in this blog and dear humanity,.
- be creative. practice sewing, organise friperie and plan out future gigs and prospects of creative outlets.
- save. learn fucking self control.
- shop. update wardrobe. get rid of unworn garments (whilst simultaneously advancing friperie's inventory yeww) and build an amazing collection and balance between luxury staples, basics, vintage and sophistication.
- socialise. maybe 2012 is the year to mingle once again, awake hibernation and see friends especially folk whose physical faces you have not seen in a million years.
- fall in love with music all over again. meaning expand my musical horizons and knowledge.
- get back on track with the Creator. get back to commitment at church (powerhouse). start reading devotions. get back to the first love.
- decorate. room? i say this every year but it could do with a bit of a revamp. but then again if i'm not going to be here for half the year...
- travel. please, please, please Jesus.
- love again. optional of course but hey i wouldn't mind...
love,
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