thought #208- beauté

you’re not beautiful when you’re half starved and all the boys want you and other girls whisper behind your back as you walk past "god i wish i was her." you’re beautiful when your heart is the first thing people see and love automatically.

love,

ps. now that's beauty.

thought #207- man repeller

so i've reached that time of the year again, the so called "half yearly breakdown for singles." once again the cuddle weather has increased cuddlers on all girls' beds, relationship statuses are changing rapidly from single to in a relationship followed by eighty seven likes, equal amounts of congratulations and secret agonizing jealousy somewhere in between and an abundance of sorry i'm busy text messages and a relentless flogging of sickeningly cute couple photos rains through like last week's wetness. and once again despite your happiness for your friends and forced contentedness regarding you situation, one can't help but feel somewhat left out thinking the world is evolving and everything is happening to everyone but me.

or maybe that's just me haha. now don't get me wrong. as much as i'm woefully sounding bitter about it all i'm not saying this all with the intention of getting a pity party. it's a mere observation, almost a tradition in my life. and like birthdays and anniversaries, i thought it apt to celebrate the half- yearly bout of loneliness. it amuses me actually how it always happens around the same time. i mean i do get my fair share of singleness (it feels like centuries) peppered within the months of my year but it's always around this time in july. when everything is just that little bit more shitty. i honestly wonder why?

so now you ask is this a cue for me to go gallivanting in search of a new romance? free reign to whore around? continue to wallow in self pity and think what the hell is wrong with me? none of these actually. i do what i do every year. after exams, i spend my weekends doing what relaxes me. wine in bed watching my favourite dvds, writing, reading, loosening the vocal chords, do a little shopping, organise some friperie, book an instructor, work, coffee dates and shopping trips, the occassional party. i make a to do list and fulfill it (at least try to). because life goes on and it stops for no one and there's no point in me feeling sorry or me trying to desperately fill the void by romancing the next guy i see. its all about patience (my weakness) and self control (also my weakness). when i least expect and when its right and when everything is as it should be. and when i meet him or re-meet him. and then i'll be seeing life on the other side: spoons on the bed, relationship status changes, cheesay couple photos and all that gag worthy sap.

but until then, its back to celebrating my half-year loveless breakdown and preoccupying myself with the glories and busyness of life and this year i might actually get through it with a smile on my face.

love,

ps. not surprised if this is a 1970s porno.
pps. very surprised that these ladies are single. obviously unrealistic.

thought #206- better late than never

if i could go back, i would forget my inhibitions and what is thought of me and say hello to the people i just watch pass by so effortlessly. i would say sorry to the friends i've hurt, and thank them concurrently for making whatever we have stronger as a result of all those past tribulations. i would apologise to the strangers i've subconsciously slandered through my gossip ridden mouth and honestly wish them the best in life. i would tell that bitch what really was on my mind and never accept such lies. i would never remain silent and apathetic in the presence of evil and injustice. i would of never said anything that night we were skyping and was too shy to sort out the misunderstanding. i would of never had my first cigarette. i would of never gambled my emotions for the very pathetic reason i was bored. i would of never stopped spending time with the Creator. i would of never gotten absolutely mangled and found myself lying in a recliner with a drip at emergency. i would of kissed my formal date and told him how that night was one of the happiest in my still short- lived life. i would of never taken you for granted the way i did because you were always present and time was on our side. i would have told the people who i can't tell anymore how much i appreciate and love them, i would forgive the people i've held grudges with and i would honestly be happy now.

but then again that's life. what would i have learnt (be it the harder way) without what had happened?

love,

thought# 205- shed some light on me

what is to you?

University- university is a relentless three or more year break from reality; themed with excessive amounts of caffeine, cigarettes, immense poverty, insomnia, hangovers, default outfits and already feeling exhausted before you've graduated and gotten a full time job.

Sex- is either an expression and consummation of love or way too many hormones combined with way too many shots combined with way too many sexually repressed desires.

Food- is a tease. you always crave so much and once you've got it you want to starve for three years.

Family- shapes a lot of why a person is the way they are. it can be both fundamental and detrimental. it's loving and stabbing simultaneously.

Friends- similar to family but you can actually choose them. they will disappoint you and hurt you as all humans are inclined to do. but they will also bring immense joy and love to your flesh self.

Love- is what i believe to be humanity's greatest weakness. it's what we all want, even the tough fucks who say they don't need love to be complete. we were created to feel it, know it and embrace it. sadly the notion has been contorted over the years. its an action and feeling and treasure.

God- is who created me and puts up with me and loves me unconditionally even being the little shit He essentially doesn't have to deal with at the end of the day. i am thankful to know that there's someone beyond the chaos of this world that is looking out for me and that i have something and someone to look forward to after this fleeting experience we call life is over. doesn't mean i don't struggle with getting it right with Him everyday. i'm far from it but it's got to begin somewhere right?

Trust- as cliche as it sounds it really is hard to gain and easy to lose. i think even the people that say they trust to easily internally cringe at this notion. because whether one likes to admit it or not, trust is so hard because we're all so afraid to give it away and risk getting hurt. its also another mankind peeve to feel uncertain.

Life- is meant to be lived, without regret and to the fullest extent. it's meant to be shared and not stored away for a rainy day. it's actually not meant for us. though that fact should make you happier knowing that at the end of the road it's not how much you did for yourself to know happiness but for the people you encountered along the way.

Fashion- is a weapon of vanity, self- expression, creativity, admiration and jealousy. it's complex and bipolar. but personally, fashion can always be taught, but not style.

Tattoos and piercings- similarly to fashion. for me it's whatever floats your boat. why should i judge? if its meaningful and tasteful then i am all supportive.

"Naughty stuff"- i have no idea what this is actually referring to but i'm assuming its the sex, drugs, rock and roll lifestyle our parents pray to Jesus their children don't end up manifesting. i mean yes its naughty and harmful and down right unwise but i have to be honest, it feels fucking fabulous. for a while. like in your adolescence and everything's a mere party. but thirty years down the track, stabbing heroin into your veins and dying of lung cancer is not glamorous at all. i understand the consequences. i think once you experience this so called naughty stuff its best to just move on and grow up.

Music- i once described music as a marriage between fingers and vocal chords or something along those lines. music is literally divinely created. it's like being in a relationship. life would feel like such a crumble without it.

Books- i'm a bit of worm. not as much as some people i know. but i still adore tearing through and consuming the genius of some amazing piece of lit. i still like the feeling of holding a book and most recently i've only started highlighting books (previously i thought it was some sort of sacrilegious practice to do so). who needs a boyfriend when i can have endless days in bed with a good book?

Marriage- yes its a traditional social construct and yes we live in a post modern world where old things are necessarily the things to do. but yes i am a little old fashioned and yes i still believe and secretly dream of the day i walk down a church aisle and see the face of my future hub and feel, even just for that moment, like the most happiest human being in the world. marriage still means something to me.

TBC...

love,

thought# 204- nothing to do with you

-Your middle name, and how you feel about it.

Ann: i have no angst toward it. i often wish my parents were a bit more creative in the creation of my name. 

- Talk about your piercings or tattoos, if you have any.

first the ears when i was a baby, hence no real story about that. second was the navel during my trip to the philippines in 2007/08. there was no real reason as to why i did it. i think it was just a moment of teenage self-experimentation and curiosity. i did get my ass kicked for it but i still have it to this day, so i guess my parents survived their first "our daughter's an adolescent heathen" attack. last is my ink during march this year. i've always wanted it but it took me awhile to figure where and what exactly. finally came to the conclusion of a simple small triangle and the shorthand symbol of one located on the side boob/lower rib. there's double meaning towards the piece, firstly the triangle represents the trinity but also birth, life and death. the shorthand symbol of one means we are one under the trinity as well as we are given only one opportunity at birth, life and death and thus to make the most of it.

- Your favourite television program.

i'm actually not a really big tv program watcher.

- Write about your closest friend(s).

i have a few. i love them for similar, dissimilar, unique and meaningful reasons. they've all gained my trust and love at different points in life and i am a firm believer that they arrived/are still present in my life because they truly belong there. they keep me grateful and love me regardless of my weaknesses.

- Tell us your three favourite colours.

yellow, black and white.

- Your favourite season, and why.

autumn and spring. the in betweens. the lukewarm seasons. they make me miss the heat and thank the good lord it isn't too cold. they let me breathe and they don't force me to make my mind up about what i'm feeling today.

- How you came across blogspot, and how your life has changed since joining.

i believe it was i november 2009. post- graduation, pre- hsc. i had previously kept a virtual blog during my younger years in year eight but momentarily ceased due to busyness and boredom. i've always enjoyed the occasional rant thus thought it to be a good idea to create one after leaving high school. i actually adore (with partial cringing) everytime i look back at past posts. it really documents the important and trivial things that have been happening in my life since leaving the security and comfortable bubble to secondary study and entering the real world. it reminds me to never forget the past and lets me learn in order to be a better person for the future.

- Are you a fitness guru or a couch potato? Talk about your exercise habits.

let's just say i wish i was way more fit than i am at this present moment. my exercise habits are random and spontaneous. i will engage in intense healthy bouts after weeks/months of binging to save myself from all consuming guilt. i'm actually keen to engage in my pending vegetarian, no alcohol/cigarette/illicit substances/coffee (aka the no- life) detox.

- Favourite meme at the moment.

the sudden abundance of handsome boys in stone coloured carhartt chinos, buttoned up shirts/white tees, with their slim line vans, beanies, skateboards and cigarettes in the back pocket... or did i just envision my dream guy? 

- Talk about your pets, or the pets you would like to have.

zero pets. i don't believe animals like me that much. i wish i could have a dog though.

- Your top three favourite bands.

the strokes, the mars volta, red hot chili peppers

- Your thoughts or opinions about Harry Potter.

i'm not an obsessed fan. he's ok i guess.

- Your thoughts or opinions about Mean Girls.

fancy you asked seeing as i just rewatched this last night. i adore this movie.

- Do you have siblings? Talk about them, or talk about what it’s like to be an only child.

none. being an only child has its perks and disadvantages. my parents are on the stricter side. they can be ridiculously over protective and drive my beserk i understand they're love behind it all. they've actually mellowed over the years as they begin to understand that i'm growing up and responsibility and life actually comes after that.

- Tell us your favourite junk food.

red rock deli. enough said.

- Your favourite Disney Princess movie.

pochantas though i don't know if that's classified as a disney princess movie. if not then it has to be cinderella and beauty and the beast.

- Your thoughts on Ugg boots.

not for public use.

- Do you drink soda more often than milk?

i barely drink either. water or cranberry juice thank you.

- The initials of your crush(es).

celebrity? f.l, m.c, a.b, r.r, j. f. etc. etc
non- celebrity it would be too obvious if i gave it away. plus i think i'm definitely past "crushing" this guy.

- Do you wear glasses? If so, what are they for?

yes. i'm short sighted

- Your favourite subject to study.

none

- Do you play a sport? Tell us about it. If not, talk about a different hobby you may have.

i am incapable of physical co-ordination. hobbies include: perving on handsome strangers, coffee playdates, lyrical venting and being anti-social.

- Your opinions on Lady Gaga.

she's intriguing and twisted.

- Tell us about the last movie you saw in theatres.

it's been awhile, probably thor. i knew i'd like it previous to watching it.

- Tell us about the last book you read (for leisure or for school).

geek love by elizabeth dunn. so sick, shocking and beautifully written.

- Name one place you would love to visit one day.

london, my next home.

- List your three favourite girls’ names and three favourite boys’ names.

girls: akira, jerusha, lyla

boys: luca, zion and george. 

- Your first celebrity crush.

i really don't remember. i've liked julian casablancas since year eight though so he could potential win. 

- Your opinions on the television show ‘Glee’.

i used to like it. i was an avid watcher during the first season but then i skipped a few episodes, then it degenerated to an adaptation of pop songs and overexposure to special guests.

 - Take a picture of yourself right now and post it, or post the most recent picture you can find.
 

bracessss fuck yeahhhh haha


love,