thought #232- la lumière et obscurité

i never seem to get used to being asked something as simple as "who are you?" i often fumble, nervously giggle, awkwardly attempt to evade the naked truth with something witty and irrelevant. because in actual fact that question is as complex as my internal organs. and honestly it frightens me because i know deep inside i can't genuinely answer that question. being asked "who do you think you are?" is even worse. i might as well be asked why God exists or why boys love the chase and fuck the loving up or why people have to die? i mean who am i to say, does my opinion even constitute or contribute to anything vaguely meaningful? but then again apart from our Creator, i guess i'm the closest human being to knowing who i am the most.

i'll be honest (and not with feigned modesty), talking about who i am is kind of difficult. maybe i'm not the only one here, or maybe i am. i mean i feel awkward already as i type and think about what subject i am about to delve into. perhaps it's the fact that you're sharing/remembering/discovering/rediscovering fragments of your being that you never thought existed. or that you secretly wish didn't exist. we all have that la lumière (light) and obscurité (dark) side to ourselves. we're essentially all walking contradictions and live paradoxes (blame it on human nature). but i guess no matter how aware we are of our weaknesses and strengths, flaws and features and everything in between, the fact that we only know to a certain extent scares us shitless; as if one day we'll wake up, look in the mirror and wholeheartedly not know whose grimace we're starring back at.

from what i do know about myself there are alot of things i appreciate and would rather exchange limbs for about who i am. for one i'm not altogether. i'm not perfect or even good. i try to be a daughter one who desires to make her parents proud. i try to be a good student and finish my degree and get a good job that will sustain my lifestyle and bring comfort to my parents and family in the long run. i have innumerable dreams, big ambitions and goals. i want to travel so badly.  i love to sing and write and watch movies all day long. i have a weakness for handsome europeans, skim mochas, cigarettes, books that i can highlight "epitomic" lines and sushi. i love tea and jelly beans and monochrome outfits and clogs and ink and beautiful paintings and instagraming everything. but i guess all this is surface stuff. things that people already know, regardless if they know me very well or from the constraints of a friendly conversation or mere observation.

but i guess there are other things, like the way i struggle to be happy with my body or the way i wish i was a better Christian. the doubt i have for ever finding someone who i will truly spend the rest of my life with and the feeling that i'm so unworthy if that person ever crosses my path. then there's the fear that i'll never fulfill my dreams and goals and ambitions and live a life reflecting the hard work i put in or one that will make my parents proud. i sometimes have morbid dreams about my death or feel depressed about things in sporadic bouts. then the haunt of past mistakes and decisions. the unnerving questions of why can't i let go? and why should i? and that gut wrenching feeling if this is all meaningless....

i'm obviously not altogether. but i guess this is life. and the answer isn't always for us and this is why journeys exist. but to be optimistic, for every obscurité is la lumière and somehow, no matter how fucked up our decisions are or how life can be we still have freewill and we still have reasons to smile and be thankful. the very fact that we were brought into this planet was no accident and the very reason why i have things to appreciate about life is sometimes just enough to get me by. until i finally crack the code (maybe one day, maybe never) i'll leave the big questions as they are and the self-discovery as they come,

love,

thought #231- you're my uninspiration

not to sound artistically stifled or pathetically romantic but i've been feeling kind of uninspired lately. perhaps it's the ho hum of life as we speak. the banality and busyness of work and scheming for the new year. sadly this lack of inspiration has manifested into how i am and act on a daily basis. it's three weeks or so before 2012 opens it's eyes and leads us into another whirlwind of a year however, 2011 still hasn't finished and thus we should strive to keep the momentum, hence my little list to inspire and hopefully revive my once incited nature. i guess these little adoptions and adaptions in life can give me the sort of energy and optimism that will see me embracing life like a maniac and loving every minute of my existence despite how crappy it can be.

abi's list of self- inspiration into 2012

• exercise. create a routine habit of working out. an hour a day, five days a week.
• be healthy. this means avoiding frequent intoxication, and cutting back on cigs... death.
• eat. welcome meat once again in my life!
• write. note to self, buy moleskine and fill with ideas and verbosity. continue writing in this blog and dear humanity,.
• be creative. practice sewing, organise friperie and plan out future gigs and prospects of creative outlets.
• save. learn fucking self control.
• shop. update wardrobe. get rid of unworn garments (whilst simultaneously advancing friperie's inventory yeww) and build an amazing collection and balance between luxury staples, basics, vintage and sophistication.
• socialise. maybe 2012 is the year to mingle once again, awake hibernation and see friends especially folk whose physical faces you have not seen in a million years.
• fall in love with music all over again. meaning expand my musical horizons and knowledge.
• get back on track with the Creator. get back to commitment at church (powerhouse). start reading devotions. get back to the first love.
• decorate. room? i say this every year but it could do with a bit of a revamp. but then again if i'm not going to be here for half the year...
• travel. please, please, please Jesus.
• love again. optional of course but hey i wouldn't mind...

let's hope it works. god only knows how much i need it to right now.

love,

thought #230- big questions, no answers

i'm turning the big 2-0 next year. this is no particularly significant milestone, nor is it anything remarkable. but the fact that i'm shedding my teenage skin, hopefully living in a foreign country and finding who i am seems all so "big deal." it's also forcing me to ponder about the reality of life, the aging process and what i've accomplished to date. i mean i remember being thirteen and thinking that by 20 i would have a banging boyfriend, the biggest social butterfly and all that adult stuff sorted out. fast forward to six years and i still don't know what the hell is going on. i mean i have a plan, not made out of stone but something to keep me preoccupied. i mean i have big dreams and aspirations and fantasies painted vividly in my brain. but at the end of the day they still feel like wishlists i've been composing since i was a child. i find it's moments like these, when i read and listen to other people play out their lives, when i ponder about the future and consider not the prospects but the inevitable morphism into adulthood, that i really ought to do something about it.

it's also times like these i question everything about what i believe, what i want in life, who i'm living for, how to act, how to accept, moving on and moving into new motions of existence. i question where i'll be in ten years, who i'll be with in ten years, will i be living in australia? will i have made something out of myself? will i work a dead end job that i hate? will i become a drug addict? will i become an international superstar? will i live a humble life? will i live a life reflecting not a religion but the greatest person to have ever graced the planet- Jesus Christ? you know deep shit.

i mean i can't help it. it seems like questions such as those automatically come into being at the thought of growing up. i understand, we don't have to have it altogether and things can change. but i wish as i wrote this i could safely say i was content and happy and sure in myself and my faith. but something innate i guess is dormant. maybe i really need to see the world, maybe i need to let loose, maybe i need to learn the lessons (as hard as they can be). maybe then i can see that this life, and all those questions are frivolous if the end goal is to live a life so much bigger than yourself.

love,

ps. it's easier said than done though.

thought# 229- my grown up christmas list

it is a month and a bit more until the wonderful day of christmas. i honestly wonder why i still continue making such lists when most of my christmas presents are always received post- christmas and usually under the guise of a lump sum of money, lovingly given by my parents. but nevetheless perhaps this year, my list will be taken to notice and i will find some form of festivity underneath our non-existent christmas tree.

abi's 2011 christmas wishlist

1. A new pair of funkis clogs it's a definite hard toss up between the new very high clog in grey or the zanita's red and patent/ natural. 
2. karen walker number six sunglasses in tort i've always lusted for a kooky pair of kw's. this may be my year. 
3. a new black bikini/one piece. i'm not fussed. i just need a good decent one that isn't ridiculously pricey. maybe a new beach towel too while we're at it. there's a few cute ones at asos .
4. an ipad 2. ok so technically i don't need it. but hey this is a wishlist so i guess i'm entitled to unnecessary paraphernalia and gadgets. 
5. a nice designer clutch. i've been looking around but to my dismay i still haven't found one i absolutely adore. all else fails i could do with a new wallet. miu miu or celine? there's a few nice ones over at reebonz.
6. black high waisted jeans. i'm not fussed brand wise, i am just in dire need of denim that fits amazingly and can be worn with anything. these Cheap Mondays look about right.
7. make up. i need a refill on mascara, compact and more shades of lippy. i'd say dior for the mascara, chanel or clinque for the compact and nars and ysl for some lippy love.

who knows if this will become a reality. we can only hope (and probably save on our own too).

love,

thought #228- 2012

i'll be honest, i'm aching for next year. part of me is striving to not be so expectant about how 2012 will unfold itself, as to avoid the devestating effects of disappointment but i just can't help myself. there is so much to look forward to next year. i have a great feeling about it. i mean don't get me wrong, i'm not dispelling the greatness and blessing that this year has become even before it has ended, but man next year can only go from strength to strength. apart from getting to hear and see lovely favourites live such as bon iver and feist at laneway (losing my festival virginity!), i will finally be graduating, turning twenty and immersing myself in some preliminary travel, something i've been dying to do since leaving high school. the thought of living by myself in a foreign country for six months is daunting but so appealing. the notion of befriending potentially life long friends, falling in love with strangers, eating good food and drinking impeccable wine, the possibility of never returning back to australia just makes me so giddy and hopeful. it's definitely something i need in life right now. as gay and eat, pray, love as i sound i need to find myself by momentarily bidding farewell everything that i know and find comfort in. to be stretched and unfurled and maybe even slightly broken to see what me contains.

this year as been great so far. it has been one of many firsts, friends, university, alienation, conviction, nonchalance and confusion. the truth is that at the end of the day life goes on, and it waits for no one. no matter how many times i'd like to rewind, fast forward or pause moments in my life, i simply cannot but move forward. i'm sick and tired of dwelling on what i did wrong and who i lost and why i still can't get over some things. i want to accept that the answer isn't for us and that everything is held in the palm of a hand that is beyond flesh, blood and time. i'm scared of the unknown. scared that i might fall, stumble, hurt. but i guess that's the beauty of life. it's a learning curve and every victory and bruise should be adopted and accepted.

i just hope i'll come out of this year and into the next with a guarded heart and open eyes. that i will be wise, have fun, go crazy but discern the difference from an opportunity and an impending consequence. part of me wants to scream "fuck it, i'm young" but then there's that whole part after my youth that i have to consider and take care of. let's just hope that i find what i'm looking for, and if i don't then i know it isn't time yet. until then 2012, please don't disappoint me. i really need you to happen. not necessarily the way i want things to happen, just please happen.

can't wait.

love,

thought #227- if perfection existed in this world

the day would be expectant, pregnant with opportunity. the weather accommodating and pleasant with the ideal concoction of sunshine and breeze. she would rise from the rumination early in the morning, and think about what the day would consist; hopeful yet somewhat frightened at the thought of being disappointed. she would be nervous as she puts on her crisp white pop classic acne shirt, her leather shorts and flatforms before driving away. she would breakfast (at surry hills) as a lone ranger, mocha in one hand, cigarette in the other. her mind filled with the cup of pablo neruda's tantalizing poetry, overflowing with imagery and imagination. as soon as she finishes her cigarette, the phone rings. she knows who it is and once again conjures simultaneous feelings of projectile vomiting and ecstatic joy. he will say he's five minutes away, she says see you soon.

he would approach her casually, his presence would fill the void of the adjacent vacant seat. he would look effortlessly lovely, crisp white pop classic acne shirt, rolled shorts and loafers. they would laugh at the coincidentally similar outfits and he would order a glass of water. they would engage in small talk before he decides to sweep her off her feet. she would, willingly. they would walk to his parked car, he would open the door for her. they would drive to bondi and would stroll casually along the strip, stopping at the market stalls. he would buy her a small thin metal bracelet with a skull. she would adore it. they would walk past a photobooth and he would pull her in, she hesitant and embarrassed but that doesn't matter. he would tell her a funny story and she would honestly cackle, internally hoping the day would slow down because each minute means a minute closer to the end of this moment.

they would reach the beach, sit on the towel and talk. about the deeper things in life; the people they loved, the people they lost; who they want to be, what they want to see, which beatle was the best, their favourite scrubs episode, why they hate and adore courtney love, the last time they were drunk, everything but what they mean to each other. then there would be a silence, and they would stare at the sky and know, without it being spoken, that right now is enough. she would ruin the moment by taking a photo of him. he would complain but secretly love it. he'll ask if she's hungry, she would say yes. they would pack up and head to leichardt for some italian and gelato, all this time she would be singing to beyonce ridiculously loud.

after a feast, they would walk along the forum before deciding to drop by adriano zumbo for some takeaway macarons. they would feel tired so he would take her back to his place. they would power nap on the couch conveniently located on the rooftop. they would stir soon after to find it is almost dinner time. still slightly full, they decide to visit the local supermarket to purchase alcohol and ingredients for a salad. she would buy the salad, he the alcohol. they would return home and commence festivities with some delicious rekordlig. they would "cook" together, making reference to hilarious moments in friends. after a light dinner they would eat macarons together followed by more rekordlig. as they wait for their friends to make an appearance. they head to the rooftop, pop open the moscato, turn the music onto a light hum, light a few cigarettes and talk. this time he is brave enough to let her into that complicated heart of his. she would be surprised yet privileged. he would confess how he really felt. she would reciprocate. they would hold hands until she ruins the moment again with her awkwardness. he would laugh knowing very well the moment was bound to happen sooner or later. they would lift their moscatos up to the summer air and dance along to the pleasant jumble of the smiths, U2, temper trap and lauren hill.

soon the noise of the troops would fill the romantic lull. the close friends and favourites would come armed with ingredients for cocktails, more music, weed, and movies. the rest of the night would be spent in their company. he would thank her for today. she would say thank you too. it would be 2am. she would be tired. she would whisper in his ear, i'm going to bed. and he would subconsciously follow. they would awake the next day, with a panadol and glass of peach sencha. he would tell her she looks the most beautiful right now. she would say he was lying but thank you anyway.

love,

ps. she sorted. day sorted. he still pending.

thought #226- so long farewell auf wiedersehen goodbye

dear           ,

you entered my life abruptly and unexpectedly, so i guess it's apt for you to leave just the same way. i've never been one to end things in a bad way, i hate moving on with scraps of regret entailing me. so it's sad to think that it had to be someone i cared about so much, someone i thought would stick around that i find unwillingly letting go. you remind me of a lot of things. some fond others tragic. i can't help but think how much of a blur our relationship was, it was a pleasant ride with no set time and destination. i think that's what made it so much easier for me to be comfortable with you, knowing that i wasn't pressured to be anywhere or anything with you. that knowing you were there was enough.

but i guess it wasn't enough. i mean i am to blame for why things fell apart. but i wonder how many times i have to apologise for you to understand. i have no real explanation for why i thought it was best for us to go our separate ways,  i guess i was scared, or too comfortable, or expectant. maybe i was being impulsive and thinking with my head and abandoning my heart. i mean yes i had a bit of fun after but it came at a painful price. it's like a little internal piece of me died when things ended and it has finally taken me now to bury it. is it true that you can't stay friends with someone you had a past with? because i thought we could. i value your friendship more than anything, even before feelings started to seep its way into our systems.  i wish things could be as straightforward as they were before. i wish we aren't playing this mixed signal game of confusion. i wish we could of remained as friends; this is what hurts me the most that i can't even be a part of your life anymore. 

maybe at the end of the day we just weren't meant to be. maybe it was supposed to be as simple as that for us. yet somehow we have to get all complicated and never face this "closure" that i need and that i feel you don't want to give. i would have been fine with that, to end things on a happy note and move on. not like how we are now.

we've both changed. our lives naturally veering into dissimilar directions yet i still feel something (like back in our high school days) every time i coincidentally bump into you. but i'm tired. i don't want to settle for happy, mushy feelings when you feel it's convenient for you. i wonder if you truly understand how upsetting it is for you to delete me and incorporate me into your life that easily. i wonder if you're aware of the sometimes friend you've become. i wonder if you know how it feels to be constantly ignored, to try to work things out civilly, to make right a mistake in vain. i guess you just stopped caring.
so its almost been two years and though my heart is still stubbornly set on some mendacious hope that things will work out, i'm tired. i'm too tired of being ignored and putting all this effort for someone who doesn't give a fuck. maybe you thought we weren't an issue anymore but for me it wasn't over. i didn't realise how much i really cared for you until i saw how different you've become. how easy it is for you to be so indifferent, to stop trying, to hold back. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't bitter, but i'm willing to look past this if you do too.  i'll be honest i still have respect for you. i believe you'll go places and fulfill your purpose and have a relationship with the Creator that i wish i personally possessed but i hope you don't stop loving people in the process. i still have hope. something i'll never dispel. i still believe you're capable of being that beautiful human being that made me smile and helped me learn to use my heart but it just can't be with the way things are now. i can't be your anything right now.

so for now it's goodbye.

love,

thought #225- i'm not together but i'm getting there

lately i've been feeling pretty shit. emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. i'm not whinging or seeking out pity, but the truth is i've been feeling somewhat stuck in some sort of twilight zone. a relentless cycle of mundane banality that somehow (and i don't know how it got to be) has sucked me dry. it's like as if i've been on a marathon for seven years and still not finding the reason why i'm doing it or listening to your favourite song times infinity. something that once was relaxing, amusing and comfortable is suddenly an indifferent, tiring son of a gun.

and now as type, i wonder, how did i ever get way? to this point in my life where i'm suddenly questioning the meaning of it all. i mean mentally i know why i'm here, who i'm living for and what i'm called to do yet somehow my heart and my actions are lagging (just like my fucking internet connection). is it out of complacency? is it out of resent? is it out of hurt? is it out of comfort? maybe it's everything? i remember growing up with such big, ambitious dreams. i mean yes they were slightly ridiculous and exaggerated (married at 25... yeah... right...) but they were still dreams nonetheless. i had everything planned out and hoped and prayed that somehow they would be divinely blessed with reality. i remember thinking i could change the world. these days, although i am not hopeless, i fear so much. i fear i'm growing older and i'm seeing no progress. i fear i'm not working hard enough, that i'm not good enough, that these big dreams and plans i've set my heart to are just too impossible to reach. i fear that i'm becoming mundane and i hate the fact that i'm letting myself be it.

i hate to think that i'm actually content to live this shit, half- hearted life. that i'll be forever known as an unidentifiable farrago of flesh and bones, another soul lost into oblivion, just another person with a whole lot of inspiration and not enough faith. i'd hate to think that i've become abigail cruz- the 19 year old tired, single, meaningless woman with a penchant for cigarettes, ciders, macabre, black humour, cheesy 80's teen movies and nutella. because when i look it at that way- it feels like i'm describing my present self down to a tee (ps. i'll forever be a fan of nutella).

but you know, even whilst being in this state, my Almighty Creator, in all His humour, glory, beauty and love graces me with little gems, little reminders, little glimpses of himself. today i was listening to a message on being in the middle. how life shouldn't be defined by our middle moments but by Him. throughout the whole message i was thinking, did this guy just get into my skin for a second? how is he talking directly at me? i thought to myself i'm definitely feeling the middle and as hard as it is for me to admit i'm nowhere near the end or where or who i want to be. i wish being renewed took two seconds but it'll take far longer for me. i don't know when or how but i know i'll eventually get out of the shit stream and find the river of life somehow. i still have hope. i'm still pretty fucked up but that's the difference, i'm still all those things yet He is still on the throne. if i can get back to being a little less indifferent and more inclined to people and eternity than maybe i'd stop feeling so shit all the time. ok, let's try again.

love,

thought #224- deja vu

1. straight. however freja beha erichsen and ruby rose often make me think otherwise.
2. yes. horrible vice and companion to my coffee and cider.
3. yes. i can't stomach copious amounts though.
4. no.
5. underage.
6. yes. sideboob.
7. yes. hoping to fulfill this by the end of this month.
8. yes, nothing extraordinary.
9.  not particularly.
10. samantha and madeleine.
11.  forever alone haha.
12.  smile, polite, family orientated, sense of style, sense of humor.
13. jerk, spitting in the street, says cunt in every sentence, self conceited and clingy/jealousy.
14. it would be a three way tie between fight club, sixteen candles and spirited away.
15. you are francisco lachowski.
16. everyone, it's ridiculous.
17. blacktown emergency.
18. i am generally indecisive and very sarcastic.
19. i can be a pushover sometimes. i also don't fancy my nose or legs.
20. freckles and friendliness.
21. happy. hopefully having conquered a corporate dynasty of some sort.
22. blood: non-existent bonds stronger than blood: very well. i miss them though.
23. like any normal child- parents'- bipolar. i love them immensely though.
24. cooking dinner together, having said dinner on a fairy- lit rooftop overlooking some beautiful city, dessert, wine and favourite movie, ending the night with cigarettes, ciders, photographs and dancing to mixed tapes.
25. movies without subtitles, slow walkers, people who back out/change plans last minute and compulsive liars.
26. european, tall, lean, fashion style's a mix between vintage and european fashion, killer looks, adorable laugh, kind and thoughtful (i actually just half described my uni crush and ideal future boyfriend).
27. horns, evil, resides in hell. aka lucifer.
28. to avoid hurting their feelings.
29. the lack of consistent connection.
30. very long but it was to mads.
31. hurtful words duh.
32. the Word.
33. to win the lotto.
34. see number 12.
35. ideally, while i'm single and young i'd like to live overseas (london or new york) but i would love to raise my family in australia.
36. my body.
37. teacher, professional singer and doctor.
38. ben and jerrys or baskin and robbins.
39. the female version of james franco.
40. on the greek islands.
41. pringles (fatty).
42. francisco lachowski.
43. there is something such as world nutella day (feb 5)