now enough of my emotional divulging and onto my favourite part. the material wishlist haha. in retrospect i really wish i bought more things in europe. but of course first priorities weren't shopping but instead $$$ was spent on taxi rides to uni, bottle upon bottle of moscato and all the cheeky trips. i definitely don't regret this, although it has left me with a burning hole in my pocket, an overused wardrobe and a desire to start over (figuratively and literally speaking). i've actually considered the contents of this wishlist carefully. it indeed is more exxy than past wishlists but i believe turning 21 calls for a level of adulthood and thus requires finer but staple objects that will last longer than a trend or season.
10 things i need to be 21
1. comme de garcon cardigan in black. this is a staple that will never grow old. besides 100% wool ensures functionality and fashion. the beige twin is equally endearing but i still can't seem to shake the black away from my wardrobe.
2. basic tees. i really only want four sorts, black, white, grey and striped. i highly fancy this white comme version . the rest that is causing me to salivate includes this cute alexander wang striped crop, acne's cotton melange relaxed fit tee, and bassike's vintage crew neck in black.
3. the everyday bag. since it's a wishlist i can technically wish. i am so in love with the saint laurent black leather tote bag. saint laurent is everything i could want in a brand. classic, sophisticated, dark and simple. just like that bag. completely understated but you know it's no cheap bitch.
4. new sunglasses. digging these karen walker the number one sunnies. i'm not a big sunnies fan but these are quirky, cute, good shape and i won't get sick of them that easily.
5. denim dungarees. i am a big fan of overalls. i just can't seem to find a pair that fits perfectly. its either loose at the waist, or bulging so it looks like i have a giant vagina or something haha. this could potential be a vintage find.
6. socks and kicks. these new balance 996's are beautiful. i also don't mind these adidas gazelles but i just can't stop frothing over those new balances. in terms of socks i just need nice basic crew ones and a nice pendelton-esque black navaho looking pair. just anything that doesn't look like i've stolen my dad's socks... which is usually the case ha
7. the everyday boots. i've already had these cheap monday boots which i brought along with me to europe and murdered with my excessive usage. i love them, they're comfy, have the right height and go with absolutely everything under the sun. i definitely need another pair. also loving these opening ceremony grunge booties. but seriously the cheap mondays. i need them back in my life.
8. splendour tickets this would evidently make my tumultuous- i haven't really decided if i like this year or not- 2013. it only has mumford and sons and frank ocean plus many more swoon worthy people playing. fingers crossed i can work around the minor hiccup of being in the phils haha
9. new ink. well money for new ink really. i'm getting antsy for a bit of needlework. as i always seem to do.
10. a new job. that i love and will get me out of the country, so i can be in europe and not so depressed about the current condition of my existence. please Lord. thanks.
love,
Friday, April 26, 2013
Monday, April 8, 2013
thought #265- 2:17am confessions
1. Things between us were so much better before I left. Perhaps it was the urgency, the thought at the back of our heads that beat against our bewildered chests reminding us that it would never be the same again. Perhaps it was the way we dipped into each others lives, at moments as best friends, sometimes something more so routinely that we couldn't stop bring a part of it all. Perhaps you liked me a little more, and I the same. Perhaps we just got used to being away from each other that those cold nights sitting at your back porch holding hands are now just fond memories, that really in retrospect it, you, me and us meant nothing at all... Perhaps I'm only feeling this way because I secretly just miss you.
2. I don't know how to stop caring about you. I feel ridiculous and pathetic to be separated by oceans and time differences and countries and still wondering if you're well. If maybe, in between your frivolous living, your intoxicated evenings, the cigarette breaks in the quad and the joints you roll so professionally and the inconvenient fact that you love someone else, you think about me. Be it in a scintilla of insignificance, do things remind you of me? Does that song take your mind back to that time we sat on the mattress, high and happy like in a 90's teenage movie? Do you ever wonder how I am? Do you still remember that night we... Or am i being quixotic? I hate asking these questions knowing very well that you don't, because even when I had the chance to matter to you I didn't. And though I try not to dwell on that stupor, that semester, I still feel I left my heart on the other side of the world. You still bruise me.
3. Part of me wants to relive you again, the other wants to erase it. You came as a surprise, something unintentional, something that even I was taken off guard by. Perhaps it was an impulsive whim, spurred on by intoxication and your mysterious, foreign physique. I don't know if we will ever meet again but maybe if we do will I want it a second time round? Will I succumb to thinking that all I really need right now is the lack of familiarity, the off comfort of temporality, the absence of intimacy, the advantage of being a stranger with nothing attached to our names and being. Perhaps all I need is to be held in between the sheets, hearing you heavily breathe, feeling the warmth and weight of your arm wrapped around my body like a blanket of flesh. Perhaps I just need to fill the void of loneliness with another empty promise? You were lovely and all... but what about love?
4. I am so torn. In between attempting to salvage the condition of my soul, fighting. the carnal desires and vices that unhinge me every time, the struggle between self-image and worth, my insecurities and doubts and trying to connect my aspirations and dreams with reality... I'm tired, unfulfilled and crumbling. I want so many things to work out in my life right now but I feel like a mess. I need divine intervention, motivation, I need life and love. I just want to be content and happy like I was before. Instead of worrying all the time about the future and my impending ageing. I just need something good to work.
5. Happiness and heaven is just a state of mind. As hard as its going to be I'm going to be grateful. I choose to be happy. I choose life and not death. I choose not to be content with living a half hearted existence. I am thankful for the job I am yet to receive. I am thankful for the opportunity I am yet to grab. I am grateful to be doing tertiary education while others can't even afford a uniform. I am thankful for the things I have and the blessings I've been given instead of the things missing in my life. I will be patient for the man of my dreams and I know when the time is right he'll comes and I'll actually want to fall in love and it'll be so much more fulfilling than one night or one sordid crush that shits all over your heart with his oblivion. I am thankful for the angels I am yet to entertain, the people I am yet to meet and the goodness that is coming my way. I'm tired of falling asleep on a wet pillow. Joy comes with the morning.
Love,
2. I don't know how to stop caring about you. I feel ridiculous and pathetic to be separated by oceans and time differences and countries and still wondering if you're well. If maybe, in between your frivolous living, your intoxicated evenings, the cigarette breaks in the quad and the joints you roll so professionally and the inconvenient fact that you love someone else, you think about me. Be it in a scintilla of insignificance, do things remind you of me? Does that song take your mind back to that time we sat on the mattress, high and happy like in a 90's teenage movie? Do you ever wonder how I am? Do you still remember that night we... Or am i being quixotic? I hate asking these questions knowing very well that you don't, because even when I had the chance to matter to you I didn't. And though I try not to dwell on that stupor, that semester, I still feel I left my heart on the other side of the world. You still bruise me.
3. Part of me wants to relive you again, the other wants to erase it. You came as a surprise, something unintentional, something that even I was taken off guard by. Perhaps it was an impulsive whim, spurred on by intoxication and your mysterious, foreign physique. I don't know if we will ever meet again but maybe if we do will I want it a second time round? Will I succumb to thinking that all I really need right now is the lack of familiarity, the off comfort of temporality, the absence of intimacy, the advantage of being a stranger with nothing attached to our names and being. Perhaps all I need is to be held in between the sheets, hearing you heavily breathe, feeling the warmth and weight of your arm wrapped around my body like a blanket of flesh. Perhaps I just need to fill the void of loneliness with another empty promise? You were lovely and all... but what about love?
4. I am so torn. In between attempting to salvage the condition of my soul, fighting. the carnal desires and vices that unhinge me every time, the struggle between self-image and worth, my insecurities and doubts and trying to connect my aspirations and dreams with reality... I'm tired, unfulfilled and crumbling. I want so many things to work out in my life right now but I feel like a mess. I need divine intervention, motivation, I need life and love. I just want to be content and happy like I was before. Instead of worrying all the time about the future and my impending ageing. I just need something good to work.
5. Happiness and heaven is just a state of mind. As hard as its going to be I'm going to be grateful. I choose to be happy. I choose life and not death. I choose not to be content with living a half hearted existence. I am thankful for the job I am yet to receive. I am thankful for the opportunity I am yet to grab. I am grateful to be doing tertiary education while others can't even afford a uniform. I am thankful for the things I have and the blessings I've been given instead of the things missing in my life. I will be patient for the man of my dreams and I know when the time is right he'll comes and I'll actually want to fall in love and it'll be so much more fulfilling than one night or one sordid crush that shits all over your heart with his oblivion. I am thankful for the angels I am yet to entertain, the people I am yet to meet and the goodness that is coming my way. I'm tired of falling asleep on a wet pillow. Joy comes with the morning.
Love,
Sunday, April 7, 2013
thought #264- twenty-something (part 1)
i thought i would uphold tradition and continue with my annual birthday wishlists, however, unlike past birthdays i thought it would be apt to include not just my material lust worthy santa- christmasesque wishlist but a sort of more non-superficial, life wishlist. i guess what i'm really hoping for as i enter the big 2 1. so here goes part 1 (the non-material whislist).
for most people (especially in the southern hemisphere), turning 21 has no real significance. i mean we've already spent three years dabbling in non-prescription drugs, engaging in unprotected sex like the invincible beings we deludedly believe ourselves to be, popping the clubbing cherries and consequently accumulating tallies of toilet bowl tales, evenings with zero recollections and nasty morning after hangovers. some people have even been engaging in this behaviour before legalistic times (bad asses). so technically i shouldn't be feeling so overwhelmed about being just another year older. but for some reason i am. i'm actually scared shitless. probably more than i've ever been about any other birthday. it's strange. suddenly i have a one attached to my twenty and i'm panicking like it's the end of the world. perhaps i am being a little overdramatic but i guess the insecurities stem from that stupid life plan thing i made when i was thirteen. according to this so called life plan by twenty one i would be graduating/graduated, starting a career that would take me far financially and physically, in a job i love, with a european hunk of some sort, perhaps already moved out or saving up for something big. i know it's idealistic thinking but the fact that it's not impossible, the very fact that there are 21 year old friends living this life makes me fret a little inside. i know i shouldn't worry about things like this. that i'm technically still young to be going grey over the condition of existence from now to twenty years time and that my Creator has and always will have everything under control... but i just can't help wonder? will i amount to this? will it ever happen? have i dreamt far too big? have i set a standard so ridiculously and unattainably high? have i fucked myself over? i feel so out of control. in a condescending spiral of my own vicious, carnal ways. wanting what i can't have. wanting what i don't have. i'm hopeful though. i still have faith that something good will work through this all. that i will eventually find peace and happiness the way i did before and even a little more.
i need to get my priorities straight. i need to find my soul. i need to wipe away my tears and stop grieving of what i've lost that i know will never be returned to me. i need to stop living in fear. i need to stop lusting over just another mistake waiting to happen. i need to learn my lessons. i need to give it all away. to not a person but a purpose. i need love. i need motivation. i'm turning twenty one for fucks sake, i need to start acting like it.
love,
for most people (especially in the southern hemisphere), turning 21 has no real significance. i mean we've already spent three years dabbling in non-prescription drugs, engaging in unprotected sex like the invincible beings we deludedly believe ourselves to be, popping the clubbing cherries and consequently accumulating tallies of toilet bowl tales, evenings with zero recollections and nasty morning after hangovers. some people have even been engaging in this behaviour before legalistic times (bad asses). so technically i shouldn't be feeling so overwhelmed about being just another year older. but for some reason i am. i'm actually scared shitless. probably more than i've ever been about any other birthday. it's strange. suddenly i have a one attached to my twenty and i'm panicking like it's the end of the world. perhaps i am being a little overdramatic but i guess the insecurities stem from that stupid life plan thing i made when i was thirteen. according to this so called life plan by twenty one i would be graduating/graduated, starting a career that would take me far financially and physically, in a job i love, with a european hunk of some sort, perhaps already moved out or saving up for something big. i know it's idealistic thinking but the fact that it's not impossible, the very fact that there are 21 year old friends living this life makes me fret a little inside. i know i shouldn't worry about things like this. that i'm technically still young to be going grey over the condition of existence from now to twenty years time and that my Creator has and always will have everything under control... but i just can't help wonder? will i amount to this? will it ever happen? have i dreamt far too big? have i set a standard so ridiculously and unattainably high? have i fucked myself over? i feel so out of control. in a condescending spiral of my own vicious, carnal ways. wanting what i can't have. wanting what i don't have. i'm hopeful though. i still have faith that something good will work through this all. that i will eventually find peace and happiness the way i did before and even a little more.
i need to get my priorities straight. i need to find my soul. i need to wipe away my tears and stop grieving of what i've lost that i know will never be returned to me. i need to stop living in fear. i need to stop lusting over just another mistake waiting to happen. i need to learn my lessons. i need to give it all away. to not a person but a purpose. i need love. i need motivation. i'm turning twenty one for fucks sake, i need to start acting like it.
love,
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