thought #182- rewind, fast forward

2010 was:

to say the least an eventful year. moments, memories that encapsulate and epitomize what 2010 has been can only be associated with change and firsts. i have learn't much, changed much, experienced much and lived much this year. it has sort of become a catalyst in life as if everything in existence as merely placid cruising until this year. i giggle and cringe at the thought of everything that has occurred in this year. the midnight kiss, the messy nights, queensland, the heartaches, the euphorias, the decisions, the letting go and moving on, university, turning eighteen, the vices, hospital, brunches and lunches, meeting new friends and missing the old, writing articles, getting a job and the dwindling faith you feel perpetually convicted by. i've had such an amazing, frustrating, confusing, joyous and blessed year.

2011 will be:

and i say aloud with much hope, even better than the last. what i love is knowing that though 2010 has brought much change and firsts, it has still left 2011 a chance to catch up. there are still so many things to do, people to love, places to go, convictions to attend and a bigger, much more delightful life to live. i enter 2011 with much hope and optimism. who knows, perhaps this is the year to find the boy, finally get my Ps, get inked, quit smoking, get a hd, reacquaint myself with dear friends and make new ones along the way, reinvent my wardrobe and redecorate my room, start fresh with people i still want in life but momentarily took for granted, love my parents more, travel overseas, refrain from alcohol poisoning, learn how to cook, do more live gigs, experiment and expand. i can only hope and pray for a favorable and blessed year ahead.

ps. oh the irony, happy new years lovelies. hope you're partying hard or in my case heartspilling at 1: 24am :)

thought #181- merry christmas!

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
heart over head

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i don't think i made any for this year. i think i'll repeat this for 2011 as well.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
my darling jem

4. Did anyone close to you die?
a relative

5. What countries did you visit?
none, how depressing

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
wisdom

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

april seventeen

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
getting a job and surviving my first year of uni

9. What was your biggest failure?
letting go of people i shouldn't have and falling for strangers

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
nothing more than the odd cold and cough

11. What was the best thing you bought?
john mayer and the strokes tickets

12. Who was your favorite person to be with this year?


gerry

13. Who was your least favorite person this year?
haha


14. Where did most of your money go?
food, christmas presents and cigarettes

15. What are you really excited about?
2011

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
hey soul sister- train

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

Happier?
yes and no

Thinner or fatter?
fatter i reckon

richer or poorer?
poorer but for the best

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
more of Him, less of me


19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
more of me, less of Him

20. Did you fall in love in 2010?
everything but love

21. How many one-night stands?
haha

22. What was your favourite TV program?
modern family

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
no, miss yes.

24. What was the best book you read?
the picture of dorian gray- oscar wilde

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
many actually.

26. What did you want and get?
a job and i got it.

27. What was your favourite film of this year?
toy story 3

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
finally turned 18, had a lovely dinner and night out with the people i love.

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
a boy and HD.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
bipolar

31. What kept you sane?
favourites

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
alexa chung, michael cera and julian casablancas

33. Who did you miss the most in 2010?
sam and maddie

34. Who was the best new person you met?
sg girls

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
guard your heart, be wise and just because it feels right or you want it doesn't necessarily mean it's for the best.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"everything is full of life."

thought #151- same mirror, different reflection

Day 28 - A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

2009

2010

i must say, alot of things have changed since last year. irrespective of the obvious lack of locks (and probably the university stress induced weight gain), i personally feel like a different person. some aspects i am glad to say for the better,  some i must secretly confide in saying for the worst. to be honest, i didn't expect the alteration of life to occur at such a huge and far reaching extent. i mean i was aware and prepared for things to be differently, for different friends, a vastly different atmosphere, a change and challenge in everything i knew and believed in. but it still took me by surprise. life still shocks, even when we knew it would happen.

i question whether i have matured. maybe so. my priorities in life have definitely been challenged. everything that i love and dwell have also been challenged. i guess when your suddenly brought into a place where you actually have to think twice. where people are not as forgiving and loving as the saviour you worship and adore, it really rattles the bones and spirit. i have to say i am different. i'm not as naive, i'm not as cemented. i'm not as sure but neither am i not as wimpy enough to be swayed from side to side. i know i'm not the same as i was previously. whether that is a good thing or bad thing still remains in question every single day.

love,

thought #58- myspace and moving on

last night i cancelled my account on myspace. this may not seem profound or significant to the mediocre reader who has a skimmed relationship with myself or my past but if you were part of my high school life in circa late 2008-2009 you will wholeheartedly understand. i was up until the ungodly hours of the early morning re-reading comments, messages, reminding myself of the history i revolved relentless time and effort on.

i was in a concoction of late night drowsiness, sadness, acceptance, confusion but moreso understanding. things happen for a reason and although they are unexplainable, unknown and even negative at the present moment i remind myself that sometimes the answer isn't for us. and if it is, then light will be shed in due time. it was just amusing thinking back to how life was. there is always an element of nostalgia when needing to move on. it felt as if i had one leg in the water and the other on the ground. unbalanced, dangerous, it was ultimately a frightening feeling. but i continue to have faith and keep myself from turning into an emotional wreck haha.

the unknown is always such a scary concept in life. i guess it forces you to believe amidst uncertainty and as life begins to unfold and as 2010 continues i am finding myself attempting to accept the unknown and being patient enough to know the answer will be revealed in time. so as i deleted my profile, it felt symbolic, almost definite, of what this year was all about. moving forward. moving on. moving in general. now closure is a different thing. i don't believe i'm up to there yet. i'll let you know when i have. but its fast approaching and although im shitting myself about confronting the day, im expectant that things will work out and will not just end up as another profile deactivated haha.

love,

ps. i still remember former favourite boy saying he'll pay myspace as means of gratitude for somehow initiating us HAHA. good times.

pps. i have just awakened a love for good nba games from my day off. go cavaliers haha.

thought #52- too familar yet undeciphered

i find this concept of familiarity and certainty as two interrelating concepts, yet two very distinct things.
i find myself battling between the two and as much as i desire certainty i find myself stuck in the corner of recognised places, faces, things and never treading any deeper to where i fear to wade yet desire to explore. on friday at united, i was overcome with this feeling as i briefly exchanged the most sudden contact with former favourite boy. it was an odd feeling, but the best example of what i mean between familiarity and certainty.

prior to 2010, familiarity and certainty between us and most things in life were hand in hand. things were splendid and lacking in complexity and confusion. now i find the bridge has widened and in that five second wave, in that turning around to see him dissolve within a crowd of hundreds of lovely young things, i realised that the familiarity was there. everything had not been moved or altered. the place was recognised, even the moment was a repeat. everything made sense. yet in that quick moment i also realised that my certainty, that my feeling of assurance was no longer present. and to be honest it was slightly tragic. there was no more awkward glances, no more smiles, no more knowing where you belonged and who you belonged to. those were suddenly ripped apart by the divide of our different lives.

when i arrived home, i began to see how life has slowly become swallowed by this trend of familiarity. where everything is in place. where you are not lost, where you need not to adjust. but the reason why you are there, the meaning behind the recognition seems distorted. i want it back... i want things to not just be "hey i know this!" and "yes ive seen this before". but to also be "and that is why i do this." i guess this trivial encounter left me questioning whether i had chosen the correct path and made the right decision. but i guess the conclusion of this year will tell me all and i am beyond pathetic-ness to want anything more but become nothing less. i refuse to regret.

i miss knowing everything was alright. i miss many things. but i guess missing can only be an extension. the rest is living it out.

love,

p.s. what familiarity and certainty looked like (past tense).

thought #50- 51 words to describe the past 51 entries

just because its such a momentous occassion... and just because i wasnt bothered recapping 51 thoughts in one evening haha.

51 words in relation to the past 51 entries

2010 has been terrifically messy, confusing, challenging yet splendid. i have befriended new folk and missed the old companions. i miss the comfort and familiarity of 2009 but beyond expectant and prepared to rearrange life, fall in love, learn to be human, appreciate existence, embrace change, and regret nothing... just croire.

ps. thanks for today matty. you may have a severely terrible backhand at wii tennis but you're much amusement to observe :) oh and you owe me so bad, you know what i mean haha. 

pps. and thank you for looking for that non-existent battery with me carlo. 

thought #48 if only the world was more patient

then perhaps it would be an irrefutably better place. perhaps we would have people at the supermarket queues with their arms outstretched politely remarking "after you." or the extinction of speeding tickets, or the decrease of suicidal rates because people are patient enough to not play God and just wait to die in the correct and ordained time haha. (n.b. anyone in retail can concur that if only more people were patient, then stress levels and aggravated manslaughter rates would dramatically drop HAHA).

actually, the real reason behind this thought originates from my house alarm, which has not stopped beeping all day. obviously something is broken but my parents being the asian optimists that they are, believe it will eventually go away. they have been incorrect so far. the only reason why this damned electronic is annoying is because it is located the nearest to my bedroom and thus beeps like a bitch all day and will so all night *sigh*.

so anyway... patience is one of the most amazing virtues to possess, yet is also the most difficult to acquire. personally i am the most impatient being in this universe (arguably). i can be many things of the positive, but being patient just doesn't adhere to any bone in my body. this can be seen in the patterns of behaviour i exude.   for example, i know an item will go on sale, eventually, yet have an impulse to buy it at retail price, regardless if it costs the earth. for example, i know i will eventually get told something, but persist in finding ways and methods of manipulation (in matty's case, i fail miserably but still haha). for example, queues for me are like torture chambers. especially when all you want is one item and there are about 9275259 million other beings in front with double the amount of items.

it's amusing to know that "be more patient" or "be less impatient" always appears on my things to do/new years resolutions list every year. but what i've come to ultimately realise is that it takes patience to become patient. it requires stretching and bending and a behavioural alteration to anything synonymous with time and waiting. through many encounters in life, the best moments and decisions have been made because i chose to wait. because i extended myself just a little longer than i thought i could. it has been worth it. so as 2010 continues, as things to do, people to meet and days to age approaches us i think of only one thing. to be patient. hopefully, by the time 2011 comes around i don't need to put "be more patient" on the list, because it's already been achieved :)

love,

p.s. somedays i wish i could learn patience by being stuck in a car with people i dont like haha. 

thought #38- hard to remember, easy to forget

if only things in life functioned in accordance to that statement.  if only the things we wanted to not recall were hard to recall and easy to let go. though in reality, it is the complete opposite, and we find ourselves being reminded of life, people, moments and memories spurred out of the most irrelevant, random triggers. in actual fact i dont think we ever "forget" things in life. yes its true, we may not see those people anymore, we may not do those things we once did. we may not associate ourselves with them and we may not find them as an important part of everyday life but we will never forget. as much as we want to, they are embedded in our lives like files in a filing cabinet (haha bruce almighty).

but there is a difference in forgetting and moving on. its possible to move on, its impossible to forget. some people may disagree with this and fair enough but i truly believe it is possible to walk forward into the future with a conscious and deliberate decision to look beyond the present circumstances and the past (be it good or tragic). the more you try to force yourself to "forget" the more you only remember. so its not abnormal to think "why cant i forget?" because its within our innate desire to be relational and keep at heart the things that we do and the people we meet in this lifetime.

so this 2010, stop trying to forget but instead cherish/learn from the past and look towards the prospect of a new year with people, places and moments in life that are easy to remember and hard to forget in the good context of course haha.

love

ps. this has no relevance to the post. i just loved the photo. oh hayden christensen you gorgeous example of humanity haha.

thought # 36- you don't know what you've got till its gone

this statement rings truth as i sat in church today while robert fergusson was preaching. actually the message wasn't solely based on it but when he mentioned it, i immediately became convicted. i guess especially in this point of life and what has been left dormant or discarded in 2009. you never do realise what you had once possessed, or taken for granted or is so part of the trivial, quotidian routine of life until they disappear and you start to feel the absence.

sometimes the feeling is a relief, an accomplishment, a victory. sometimes its sad and morose like an internal piece of the puzzle, which makes up who you are, is missing. sometimes its frightening because you suddenly have to face existence or something in life alone and without that usual person, thing or guide. but most of the time its hard. whether we were hoping for the day to come in which were expecting liberty or hoping that things would never ever have to turn the way it did. regardless if it was for the best, whether it was mutual, who wanted it or who didnt. relationships, people, things, feelings are all hard to let go.

and its this realisation of when things are suddenly hollow in their presence which is the most convicting. you think about how amazing life was with them/that. you hold onto memories and cherish every little detail that "it" is synonymous with. sometimes i wish it didnt have to take for things to end or go before we can appreciate people and aspects of life. thats why i guess this 2010, i want to do things a little more differently.

i dont want to wait until i've lost something or someone dear to me for me to actually realise how special they are. don't make the mistake of doing so. save yourself the heartache and call friends, remind family, stop in the busyness of life to, just as robert fergusson mentioned today, appreciate beauty. there is such a thin line from something that brings us to our knees in awe to something that is so yesterday. i hope i never think that way about anyone in my life. so forgive me in advance if i sound like a sappy little happy camper but i just want to know what i have and know it for all it's worth when i still have it now. 


love,

ps. i think this maybe an album, im still unsure. the title just made perfect sense for this haha.

thought # 35- i hate endings

even happy ones which concoct feelings of sappy jubilee as you see the male and female protagonist slay all opposition and ride away into a sunset/home/endless road with implications that they will be happy perpetually. haha ok as unrealistic as that sounds i like that ending haha. but in general im not fond of endings. of things that must conclude and never return or repeat. similarly to today. being the last year of 2009 one cannot help but feel relieved/excited/morose/nostalgic about how quickly the days have matured and our world is aging once again. nevertheless, i am expectant and eager for what 2010 will bring.

in retrospect, this year has been one of many challenges both personally and in the context of my secondary schooling. it was a significant year i must say as many firsts enterred my life and many lasts simultaneously. it only feels like yesterday i graduated high school, went to schoolies, had a favourite boy (i still do, but just not in that context anymore), went to the formal, moved churches, turned 17 and so on. it really does feel like life was only yesterday and today is only here for a transitory tease before it becomes yesterday as well.

before i go on blabbing about the universe and time and profound nonsense haha i must include my new years resolutions/things to do which i always make every year. its  tradition, or more like ocd habit haha. but anyway here it goes:

10 things to do, who to be, what to expect in 2010

1. turn eighteen (obviously ha)
   
2. enrol into university
3. go clubbing
4. go on that special secret playdate with elle the boyfriend.
5. get my Ps 
6. learn to ride a bike (yes i still dont know how)
7. sponser a compassion child
8. volunteer to do a ministry at church
9. be better disciple and person in general haha.
10. enjoy the single life but be mindful and wise of the future. 

im sure there is so much more but ill add onto it if i do remember. oh 2010, it'll be a splendid year i have a good feeling. well apologies for not writing any sooner, work is a killer haha. but take care and have a splendid new years eve and day and may you party hard and love even harder and allow Him to mould you and refine you into the person you are supposed to be.

love

ps. the best party of all! mario party haha.

thought # 34- note to self

1. don't ever smoke cigarettes or consume alcohol or stay up until 3am talking about the complicated world of relationships when you have an eight hour "podiatric suicide" work shift the next day. HAHA

nevertheless i had a splendid evening at the grey residence celebrating the birth of the one and only eugene.  despite having to leave early due to work the next morning, i did have my fair share of reunions, perving on handsome strangers, meeting lovely new people, amusing myself at the antics of drunk people and being fed by lovely asian parents. it was i must say a prelude to 2010 and all the exciting wonders it is to bring. soon i will be posting my things to do for 2010 list which i actually intend to be completing (for once).

alot of things have been surging through my mind lately and to be honest it is hard to discern which path to follow. though i know some are life changing and attached to the future in a large impacting way, some are minor things that have convicted me to re-evaluate and enter 2010 without having to think about such things. there is one issue in particular. of course i can't elaborate when the people involved are currently oblivious so until then i shall remain vague and secretive haha.

well i guess decisions and change in this context may blossom into something better. i need to start dealing with life now... feels like  i haven't been doing so lately haha.

love,

p.s. life kind of feels a bit like this these days. (http://tumblergh.tumblr.com/)

thought # 34- merry christmas!

and happy birthday jesus! i'm going to keep this entry relatively short. actually that's an overstatement. tonight's entry will only be eight sentences long. so before i run out of space, due to my verbosity, let me greet you all a merry christmas and i do hope this festive, yuletide season was delightful in every way, shape and form. i hope the presents you subtly hinted many months ago became a reality, that you felt complete in the company of merry family and second cousins from usa who unexpectedly arrived for a short lived holiday and most of all were reminded of the greatest gift given to us thousands of years ago- jesus!

now i cannot wait for new years to arrive and i am so excited for 2010 and all the wonders and surprises it will bestow for all of us. now before i explode after gorging my little heart out today, i must say goodnight and once again wish everyone a beautiful and blessed CHRISTmas!

love

p.s. another self advertising spiel before i conclude... its the last one for 2009 :) enjoy my lovely regular supporters and new friends who randomly find it haha http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-0k8SBpf
oc