thought# 162- two thousand and nine

Day 2: A photo of yourself a year ago

This was already done but i am not one to be lacking in luvo photos haha so here's a photograph.

love,

thought #151- same mirror, different reflection

Day 28 - A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

2009

2010

i must say, alot of things have changed since last year. irrespective of the obvious lack of locks (and probably the university stress induced weight gain), i personally feel like a different person. some aspects i am glad to say for the better,  some i must secretly confide in saying for the worst. to be honest, i didn't expect the alteration of life to occur at such a huge and far reaching extent. i mean i was aware and prepared for things to be differently, for different friends, a vastly different atmosphere, a change and challenge in everything i knew and believed in. but it still took me by surprise. life still shocks, even when we knew it would happen.

i question whether i have matured. maybe so. my priorities in life have definitely been challenged. everything that i love and dwell have also been challenged. i guess when your suddenly brought into a place where you actually have to think twice. where people are not as forgiving and loving as the saviour you worship and adore, it really rattles the bones and spirit. i have to say i am different. i'm not as naive, i'm not as cemented. i'm not as sure but neither am i not as wimpy enough to be swayed from side to side. i know i'm not the same as i was previously. whether that is a good thing or bad thing still remains in question every single day.

love,

thought #58- myspace and moving on

last night i cancelled my account on myspace. this may not seem profound or significant to the mediocre reader who has a skimmed relationship with myself or my past but if you were part of my high school life in circa late 2008-2009 you will wholeheartedly understand. i was up until the ungodly hours of the early morning re-reading comments, messages, reminding myself of the history i revolved relentless time and effort on.

i was in a concoction of late night drowsiness, sadness, acceptance, confusion but moreso understanding. things happen for a reason and although they are unexplainable, unknown and even negative at the present moment i remind myself that sometimes the answer isn't for us. and if it is, then light will be shed in due time. it was just amusing thinking back to how life was. there is always an element of nostalgia when needing to move on. it felt as if i had one leg in the water and the other on the ground. unbalanced, dangerous, it was ultimately a frightening feeling. but i continue to have faith and keep myself from turning into an emotional wreck haha.

the unknown is always such a scary concept in life. i guess it forces you to believe amidst uncertainty and as life begins to unfold and as 2010 continues i am finding myself attempting to accept the unknown and being patient enough to know the answer will be revealed in time. so as i deleted my profile, it felt symbolic, almost definite, of what this year was all about. moving forward. moving on. moving in general. now closure is a different thing. i don't believe i'm up to there yet. i'll let you know when i have. but its fast approaching and although im shitting myself about confronting the day, im expectant that things will work out and will not just end up as another profile deactivated haha.

love,

ps. i still remember former favourite boy saying he'll pay myspace as means of gratitude for somehow initiating us HAHA. good times.

pps. i have just awakened a love for good nba games from my day off. go cavaliers haha.

thought #52- too familar yet undeciphered

i find this concept of familiarity and certainty as two interrelating concepts, yet two very distinct things.
i find myself battling between the two and as much as i desire certainty i find myself stuck in the corner of recognised places, faces, things and never treading any deeper to where i fear to wade yet desire to explore. on friday at united, i was overcome with this feeling as i briefly exchanged the most sudden contact with former favourite boy. it was an odd feeling, but the best example of what i mean between familiarity and certainty.

prior to 2010, familiarity and certainty between us and most things in life were hand in hand. things were splendid and lacking in complexity and confusion. now i find the bridge has widened and in that five second wave, in that turning around to see him dissolve within a crowd of hundreds of lovely young things, i realised that the familiarity was there. everything had not been moved or altered. the place was recognised, even the moment was a repeat. everything made sense. yet in that quick moment i also realised that my certainty, that my feeling of assurance was no longer present. and to be honest it was slightly tragic. there was no more awkward glances, no more smiles, no more knowing where you belonged and who you belonged to. those were suddenly ripped apart by the divide of our different lives.

when i arrived home, i began to see how life has slowly become swallowed by this trend of familiarity. where everything is in place. where you are not lost, where you need not to adjust. but the reason why you are there, the meaning behind the recognition seems distorted. i want it back... i want things to not just be "hey i know this!" and "yes ive seen this before". but to also be "and that is why i do this." i guess this trivial encounter left me questioning whether i had chosen the correct path and made the right decision. but i guess the conclusion of this year will tell me all and i am beyond pathetic-ness to want anything more but become nothing less. i refuse to regret.

i miss knowing everything was alright. i miss many things. but i guess missing can only be an extension. the rest is living it out.

love,

p.s. what familiarity and certainty looked like (past tense).

thought # 35- i hate endings

even happy ones which concoct feelings of sappy jubilee as you see the male and female protagonist slay all opposition and ride away into a sunset/home/endless road with implications that they will be happy perpetually. haha ok as unrealistic as that sounds i like that ending haha. but in general im not fond of endings. of things that must conclude and never return or repeat. similarly to today. being the last year of 2009 one cannot help but feel relieved/excited/morose/nostalgic about how quickly the days have matured and our world is aging once again. nevertheless, i am expectant and eager for what 2010 will bring.

in retrospect, this year has been one of many challenges both personally and in the context of my secondary schooling. it was a significant year i must say as many firsts enterred my life and many lasts simultaneously. it only feels like yesterday i graduated high school, went to schoolies, had a favourite boy (i still do, but just not in that context anymore), went to the formal, moved churches, turned 17 and so on. it really does feel like life was only yesterday and today is only here for a transitory tease before it becomes yesterday as well.

before i go on blabbing about the universe and time and profound nonsense haha i must include my new years resolutions/things to do which i always make every year. its  tradition, or more like ocd habit haha. but anyway here it goes:

10 things to do, who to be, what to expect in 2010

1. turn eighteen (obviously ha)
   
2. enrol into university
3. go clubbing
4. go on that special secret playdate with elle the boyfriend.
5. get my Ps 
6. learn to ride a bike (yes i still dont know how)
7. sponser a compassion child
8. volunteer to do a ministry at church
9. be better disciple and person in general haha.
10. enjoy the single life but be mindful and wise of the future. 

im sure there is so much more but ill add onto it if i do remember. oh 2010, it'll be a splendid year i have a good feeling. well apologies for not writing any sooner, work is a killer haha. but take care and have a splendid new years eve and day and may you party hard and love even harder and allow Him to mould you and refine you into the person you are supposed to be.

love

ps. the best party of all! mario party haha.