thought #263- snap back to reality, oh there goes gravity

so i've returned home to the comforts of my own king single bed, the scorching hot suburban scenery, home cooked meals, uni work, band practices and the relentless search for a graduate job. in totality it's been about nine days and as much as i love my family, friends, familiarity and the change of not having to leave the house with seven layers, i really do miss london and europe and all the glories of the northern hemisphere. i do often at times feel like a broken record, recounting about the people i miss, the blurred memories i embarrassingly recollect and the holiday mode lifestyle. now i must face the bigger picture of growing up, graduating and achieving success in life. the thought of having to get my shit altogether is frankly quite frightening and i'm unsure as to how i feel about the impending future. i know that part of me believes that it will be equally if not more hard work regardless if i relocate to london or find a job away from home but i feel so comfortable there. it really feels like i've left my heart  back in intersecting tube lines, along the flurry and fuss of oxford street, somewhere deep in an ash tray or coffee cup at brick lane or even in regents among the filthy rich folk i once called my classmates. i often think to myself, how is it possible that six months flew by that quickly? that everything is a mere blur. i feel everything that happened in europe was but a dream like procession and i've awoken back to the reality of home and hardship haha. perhaps the world will continue revolving and the friends i met back there will forget me soon enough but i honestly can't help remembering it. recalling those times as if they were the best days of my life, my glory days. but part of me doesn't want to seem enthralled by the past. that the present and future is too bright to be seen with closed eyes. i can only hope that as i start sorting life out, getting the hang of things once again, that i can find success and favour for the remainder of 2013. that my future will slowly but surely start carving itself into something i can see myself being a part of. whether it means being stuck in aus or being reunited with my first love, europe. whatever happens i just have to remain hopeful, hardworking and resistant of reminiscing especially about past heartbreaks.... haha

love,

thought #246- the breakdown

to speak plainly, i have been single for awhile. however this has only be constrained to a merely marital title, facebook status and the centre of my typically depressing whinge tweets. because mentally and emotionally i feel i have been in some sort of single-sided relationship where i can't let go of the past for equally as long as i've been typified as forever alone. frankly it's become no longer a relationship with the former favourite boy but the thought of him. as a result of this, i have a question mark attributed to even the slightest smidgeon of thought pertaining to him. this unfinished business has led me to become somewhat sceptical, nonchalant and estranged from the idea of a real relationship with anyone else. for me, this situation is both frustrating and frightening. it's beyond the attempt of trying to find someone to blame or forgive. it's beyond high school crushes and frivolous feelings. it's all about the doubt and uncertainty we've let settle between us. this sort of veil that has blurred our real vision of what we see in each other. irregardless if i'm the only one thinking and feeling this way while he's moved on. i need this closure. but then i think to myself. do i really want this closure? i mean yes i want an explanation and some sort of light but do i want to hear that he feels nothing for me and sees no possible future, or worse yet that he still feels the same? will us finally meeting and sitting down and elucidating what years of trying to evade reality give us answers and let us move on with our lives like a light-hearted romantic comedy? what if it just makes things worse? what if it makes us want to try again?

and then there is the best friend. the person who has always been there as a platonic pillar of stability and sanity even during the times when former favourite boy still existed. the person you had always been attracted to but never tread on the notion of a relationship because you're just another one of the boys to him. i have much to owe and thank the best friend, for distracting me during the dark times when a lack of closure made me question ever being able to let someone in again and maybe falling for someone again. unbeknown to myself, i was doing this with him. that despite his encouraging thoughts conjured by my impending six-month trip to londontown and the possibility of finding a european babe that might once and for all get every horrible feeling of wanting closure and general amour for this former favourite boy out of my system, i was still feeling a little more than i should for him. i had actually surrendered my silly stupor of thinking i could get with my best friend and had almost buried the idea of thinking anything could happen for something we could laugh about five years later when this strictly friends business took a turn, that obviously altered the fabrications of our friendship. suddenly the possibility of what happens if something happens between us before i go? i know we agreed to not think that we're waiting on any of us but can we both handle the thought of meeting someone else while we're apart? and what about this amazing friendship that could potentially be ruined? suddenly i was potentially not only leaving behind a lack of closure but also the thought that i could be with someone if i wasn't going away.

suddenly it was some sort of sacrificial fuckery that i did not plan to be involved in before leaving. i mean the last thing i wanted before going was leaving anything behind and now i'm at the crux of potentially placing question marks all over my life here when i am too far away to fix anything over there. right now to be honest i don't know what i want. i do know that i still have a bit more time to somehow tidy things up so that i can leave on a good note. probably not a confirmed note, but on a basis where i'm on good terms with the former favourite boy and we've said what we needed to say and leave it to the future and His perfectly ordained time. and to leave where the best friend and i keep our friendship in tact and be prepared to get a little hurt if the worst case scenario comes and understand that our friendship may not ever be the same again but to know that if distance really makes the heart grow fonder and this is not just a phase then maybe it's meant to be. and as for me, i want to leave with an open heart about everything. to enjoy the experience instead of sulk and whinge about leaving people, places and familiarity behind. because i know for a fact that time will take its course, i will mature and experience new things and be enlightened and cultured and blessed and messed by it all. and if by chance that euro babe comes along then it's meant to be. If not then there's a greater plan and purpose to it all.

so with two and a bit more months left, here I go trying to mend the breakdown.

love,

thought #228- 2012

i'll be honest, i'm aching for next year. part of me is striving to not be so expectant about how 2012 will unfold itself, as to avoid the devestating effects of disappointment but i just can't help myself. there is so much to look forward to next year. i have a great feeling about it. i mean don't get me wrong, i'm not dispelling the greatness and blessing that this year has become even before it has ended, but man next year can only go from strength to strength. apart from getting to hear and see lovely favourites live such as bon iver and feist at laneway (losing my festival virginity!), i will finally be graduating, turning twenty and immersing myself in some preliminary travel, something i've been dying to do since leaving high school. the thought of living by myself in a foreign country for six months is daunting but so appealing. the notion of befriending potentially life long friends, falling in love with strangers, eating good food and drinking impeccable wine, the possibility of never returning back to australia just makes me so giddy and hopeful. it's definitely something i need in life right now. as gay and eat, pray, love as i sound i need to find myself by momentarily bidding farewell everything that i know and find comfort in. to be stretched and unfurled and maybe even slightly broken to see what me contains.

this year as been great so far. it has been one of many firsts, friends, university, alienation, conviction, nonchalance and confusion. the truth is that at the end of the day life goes on, and it waits for no one. no matter how many times i'd like to rewind, fast forward or pause moments in my life, i simply cannot but move forward. i'm sick and tired of dwelling on what i did wrong and who i lost and why i still can't get over some things. i want to accept that the answer isn't for us and that everything is held in the palm of a hand that is beyond flesh, blood and time. i'm scared of the unknown. scared that i might fall, stumble, hurt. but i guess that's the beauty of life. it's a learning curve and every victory and bruise should be adopted and accepted.

i just hope i'll come out of this year and into the next with a guarded heart and open eyes. that i will be wise, have fun, go crazy but discern the difference from an opportunity and an impending consequence. part of me wants to scream "fuck it, i'm young" but then there's that whole part after my youth that i have to consider and take care of. let's just hope that i find what i'm looking for, and if i don't then i know it isn't time yet. until then 2012, please don't disappoint me. i really need you to happen. not necessarily the way i want things to happen, just please happen.

can't wait.

love,

thought #137- goals to make, rules to break.

  Day 18 - Plans/dreams/goals you have

i have many plans/dreams/goals, sometimes it frightens me because the thought of never fulfilling them leaves me somewhat disappointed. i mean i understand im human and don't control the purpose of my existence but it isn't much harm to dream isn't it? i mean i have the plans for my near future:

• double degree it next year.
• get my P's and a car.
• become employed.
• grow my hair out.
• write and record a cd (for my own pleasure not exactly for fame purposes)
• study in london for a year, travel around europe.
• get a boy.

and then the far, far future:

• graduate uni and find a full-time job.
• become a corporate lawyer.
• move out and find a place. 
• save up for a house deposit.
• do postgraduate study.
• buy my parents a house.
• settle down and get married.
• have a dream wedding.
• have two kids.

but mainly i just want to be content, happy and blessed. i want this life to count, cause there are many times in my current life that the mundane, meaninglessness of my attitude really does wear me down. i hope growing up and seeing these dreams become a reality will provide hope (only with Him). and if i dont see each of them fulfilled, i know it wasn't meant for me and that my list of dreams hasn't ended just yet.




love

ps. i dare you

thought #58- myspace and moving on

last night i cancelled my account on myspace. this may not seem profound or significant to the mediocre reader who has a skimmed relationship with myself or my past but if you were part of my high school life in circa late 2008-2009 you will wholeheartedly understand. i was up until the ungodly hours of the early morning re-reading comments, messages, reminding myself of the history i revolved relentless time and effort on.

i was in a concoction of late night drowsiness, sadness, acceptance, confusion but moreso understanding. things happen for a reason and although they are unexplainable, unknown and even negative at the present moment i remind myself that sometimes the answer isn't for us. and if it is, then light will be shed in due time. it was just amusing thinking back to how life was. there is always an element of nostalgia when needing to move on. it felt as if i had one leg in the water and the other on the ground. unbalanced, dangerous, it was ultimately a frightening feeling. but i continue to have faith and keep myself from turning into an emotional wreck haha.

the unknown is always such a scary concept in life. i guess it forces you to believe amidst uncertainty and as life begins to unfold and as 2010 continues i am finding myself attempting to accept the unknown and being patient enough to know the answer will be revealed in time. so as i deleted my profile, it felt symbolic, almost definite, of what this year was all about. moving forward. moving on. moving in general. now closure is a different thing. i don't believe i'm up to there yet. i'll let you know when i have. but its fast approaching and although im shitting myself about confronting the day, im expectant that things will work out and will not just end up as another profile deactivated haha.

love,

ps. i still remember former favourite boy saying he'll pay myspace as means of gratitude for somehow initiating us HAHA. good times.

pps. i have just awakened a love for good nba games from my day off. go cavaliers haha.

thought # 8- i want to like animals

i really do. i think back to all the numerous occasions when i have fled from canines who make sweet love to your leg or look like they could maul you in a few seconds, or flinch at harmless rabbits and other creatures. and now i really want to push past my trauma and personality disorder to accept and love animals. i know im naturally not an animal lover since i never grew up in the presence of a best friend dog or a lazy feline. but i guess this random thought really challenges me now to think otherwise.

i don't think i could ever live in a zoo or own thousands of assorted creatures but i am trying my best to not cringe at the sight of an animal who is licking their lips at the sight of my limbs haha (a sort of declaration, i guess). well its 10:40am (the first time to wake before 12:30 since the abolition of school) and i'm skyping with my dear friend kuan before he is to leave for malaysia... i really am sad to see him go. but on the other hand, there is schoolies to think about tomorrow and a week long adventure to explore. i am beyond excited at the endless euphoria we shall experience lazing around at the beach, cooking and making mess together, talking until the late hours of the morning about life and no doubt drinking the same amount.

it will be sad though to know that this may possibly be the last until another few years before the group is to reunite and this time we shall be young adults with possible mortgages, spouses, careers and children at our hips. so i believe this will be a time to celebrate youthfulness and life beyond the hsc. now all we have to do is wait for the results. my goodness i am so nervous, i almost do not want to receive any marks back. but my apprehension is extinguished by the truth that He has it all within the palm of his hand. so i shall pray and believe that the system hasn't screwed me over or further i havent screwed my future over and shall be given a chance at the uni life i  have so pathetically mused about since the beginning of time.

well i shall be off, a nanna nap calls and i shall see you all in a week.
love

p.s. why i want to love animals. thanks again danise, you really do beautify my entries (http://otarie.tumblr.com)