thought #233- the author

finally 2012 has arrived and i couldn't be more excited and slightly terrified at all the prospects that will be birthed, adventures that will be taken and memories that will be etched in our minds and maybe the contents of our hearts permanently. as to continue tradition, it would feel strange of me not to divulge the unfolding of our new years eve. most of it spent in a blur of rekordlig, cigarettes, bonfires, ben's bed,  backyard fireworks, Seinfeld reruns and power naps. it was as chilled and messy as i wanted my new years to be and i am more than thankful for having brought in the new year without my face in a toilet bowl. i guess some spliffs would of been icing on the cake but i'm not too picky haha. what did get me thinking that night was the lovely conversations with my gorgeous friend ben. i guess the whole moment we spent lying in bed like an old couple talking and napping made me suddenly miss the affection, the comfort, the familiarity of having someone by your side. it was strange because in the past, feelings associated with this quixotic notion usually ended up with me missing my former favourite boy or a past insignificant crush. however in that very moment and in retrospect, i didn't think about anyone in particular. i just wanted someone to hold... as cheesy and pathetic as that sounds haha it was no longer wanting a boyfriend minus the relationship or just a straight out relationship for that very matter. it was just the idea of having someone there. sure i miss the lunch dates and the butterflies and the late night phone calls and the doing nothing. but it just wasn't what i was looking for. it was the physical, human company. in all honesty i wish i could of just held bens hand there in the dark or held on to him that night, not out of romanticism or to hint a fuck. but, out of what they call platonic bed buddies, purely for the sake of knowing someone was beside me and that the single bed was not extending into an all encompassing gulf and that he would be there in the morning and that would be enough for me. i know it's strange feelings to articulate and i totally understand if you're reading this thinking... what the fuck is she on about? someone give the girl a penis now! haha but really it's not sex. it's the looming feeling of loneliness and the desire to want to fill the void. the peace of having someone there and being content and knowing that this is happiness. for now anyway.

love,

 ps. audrey hepburn feels me.

thought #228- 2012

i'll be honest, i'm aching for next year. part of me is striving to not be so expectant about how 2012 will unfold itself, as to avoid the devestating effects of disappointment but i just can't help myself. there is so much to look forward to next year. i have a great feeling about it. i mean don't get me wrong, i'm not dispelling the greatness and blessing that this year has become even before it has ended, but man next year can only go from strength to strength. apart from getting to hear and see lovely favourites live such as bon iver and feist at laneway (losing my festival virginity!), i will finally be graduating, turning twenty and immersing myself in some preliminary travel, something i've been dying to do since leaving high school. the thought of living by myself in a foreign country for six months is daunting but so appealing. the notion of befriending potentially life long friends, falling in love with strangers, eating good food and drinking impeccable wine, the possibility of never returning back to australia just makes me so giddy and hopeful. it's definitely something i need in life right now. as gay and eat, pray, love as i sound i need to find myself by momentarily bidding farewell everything that i know and find comfort in. to be stretched and unfurled and maybe even slightly broken to see what me contains.

this year as been great so far. it has been one of many firsts, friends, university, alienation, conviction, nonchalance and confusion. the truth is that at the end of the day life goes on, and it waits for no one. no matter how many times i'd like to rewind, fast forward or pause moments in my life, i simply cannot but move forward. i'm sick and tired of dwelling on what i did wrong and who i lost and why i still can't get over some things. i want to accept that the answer isn't for us and that everything is held in the palm of a hand that is beyond flesh, blood and time. i'm scared of the unknown. scared that i might fall, stumble, hurt. but i guess that's the beauty of life. it's a learning curve and every victory and bruise should be adopted and accepted.

i just hope i'll come out of this year and into the next with a guarded heart and open eyes. that i will be wise, have fun, go crazy but discern the difference from an opportunity and an impending consequence. part of me wants to scream "fuck it, i'm young" but then there's that whole part after my youth that i have to consider and take care of. let's just hope that i find what i'm looking for, and if i don't then i know it isn't time yet. until then 2012, please don't disappoint me. i really need you to happen. not necessarily the way i want things to happen, just please happen.

can't wait.

love,