thought #233- the author

finally 2012 has arrived and i couldn't be more excited and slightly terrified at all the prospects that will be birthed, adventures that will be taken and memories that will be etched in our minds and maybe the contents of our hearts permanently. as to continue tradition, it would feel strange of me not to divulge the unfolding of our new years eve. most of it spent in a blur of rekordlig, cigarettes, bonfires, ben's bed,  backyard fireworks, Seinfeld reruns and power naps. it was as chilled and messy as i wanted my new years to be and i am more than thankful for having brought in the new year without my face in a toilet bowl. i guess some spliffs would of been icing on the cake but i'm not too picky haha. what did get me thinking that night was the lovely conversations with my gorgeous friend ben. i guess the whole moment we spent lying in bed like an old couple talking and napping made me suddenly miss the affection, the comfort, the familiarity of having someone by your side. it was strange because in the past, feelings associated with this quixotic notion usually ended up with me missing my former favourite boy or a past insignificant crush. however in that very moment and in retrospect, i didn't think about anyone in particular. i just wanted someone to hold... as cheesy and pathetic as that sounds haha it was no longer wanting a boyfriend minus the relationship or just a straight out relationship for that very matter. it was just the idea of having someone there. sure i miss the lunch dates and the butterflies and the late night phone calls and the doing nothing. but it just wasn't what i was looking for. it was the physical, human company. in all honesty i wish i could of just held bens hand there in the dark or held on to him that night, not out of romanticism or to hint a fuck. but, out of what they call platonic bed buddies, purely for the sake of knowing someone was beside me and that the single bed was not extending into an all encompassing gulf and that he would be there in the morning and that would be enough for me. i know it's strange feelings to articulate and i totally understand if you're reading this thinking... what the fuck is she on about? someone give the girl a penis now! haha but really it's not sex. it's the looming feeling of loneliness and the desire to want to fill the void. the peace of having someone there and being content and knowing that this is happiness. for now anyway.

love,

 ps. audrey hepburn feels me.

thought #158- i want a boyfriend, minus the boyfriend

i'm slightly embarrassed to confess this but i'm kind of lonely. laugh as you will, call me soft and weak, label me romantic and cheesy but that is the veracity. now this doesn't mean i'm desperate and about to pounce on the next guy that presents me with a hint of attention, neither does it mean that i'm ready to sell my soul for a relationship. it's just a momentary feeling of solitude. no biggie but i must say a lot of things have affected this sudden change (or absence) of heart.

first, it's the current desert of romantic interests i find myself stranded on. now don't get me wrong the feeling is a relief, and i'm not fussed either. but the last time i didn't like someone was.... i can't even remember because it was that long ago. i guess i've just grown accustomed to always having someone there to fantasise and stalk haha. someone to secretly adore or publicly admire. second, is the sudden increase in relationships/engagements/love. it's both a nauseous, envious feeling. with almost ever facebook status riddled with "SO AND SO IS GETTING ENGAGED!!!... HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BABY... I'M GOING TO BE A MRS!" farout. i puke on the tissue i use to wipe my stray tears (totally joking). third is the lack of excitement. there is no more fun; the thrill of the pursuit, the euphoric "honeymoon" phase, the catastrophic heartbreak (thank God) and the getting over. nothing.

i'm trying not to sound like i'm complaining but i suck at patience. i guess i just miss the feeling, the memories, the security. i miss not being so selfish. i feel guilty for saying so, as if i'm craving gluttonous treats. but is it really such a sin to want someone to grin about in public and frighten strangers, receive a text message and know exactly who it is, someone to spend the day with and not grow weary. someone to write notes on your bed side table with pretty things like "have a good day, ugly x" someone you down a bottle of wine with even when there isn't any reason to celebrate, someone to finish your food, someone to take half- cut face photographs with, someone to tell secrets with and giggle about the most trivial things. someone to smile at like a pathetic little nutter, someone to cook brunch with and stay in bed all afternoon with obscure films and a guitar, someone willing to try and figure you out as you do the same with him. maybe it is. maybe i just need to get out more. maybe that person doesn't exist. or is halfway across the world thinking the same things about a girl with a concocted identity. maybe, maybe not.

love,

ps. my dear lord, kill me now.