thought #158- i want a boyfriend, minus the boyfriend

i'm slightly embarrassed to confess this but i'm kind of lonely. laugh as you will, call me soft and weak, label me romantic and cheesy but that is the veracity. now this doesn't mean i'm desperate and about to pounce on the next guy that presents me with a hint of attention, neither does it mean that i'm ready to sell my soul for a relationship. it's just a momentary feeling of solitude. no biggie but i must say a lot of things have affected this sudden change (or absence) of heart.

first, it's the current desert of romantic interests i find myself stranded on. now don't get me wrong the feeling is a relief, and i'm not fussed either. but the last time i didn't like someone was.... i can't even remember because it was that long ago. i guess i've just grown accustomed to always having someone there to fantasise and stalk haha. someone to secretly adore or publicly admire. second, is the sudden increase in relationships/engagements/love. it's both a nauseous, envious feeling. with almost ever facebook status riddled with "SO AND SO IS GETTING ENGAGED!!!... HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BABY... I'M GOING TO BE A MRS!" farout. i puke on the tissue i use to wipe my stray tears (totally joking). third is the lack of excitement. there is no more fun; the thrill of the pursuit, the euphoric "honeymoon" phase, the catastrophic heartbreak (thank God) and the getting over. nothing.

i'm trying not to sound like i'm complaining but i suck at patience. i guess i just miss the feeling, the memories, the security. i miss not being so selfish. i feel guilty for saying so, as if i'm craving gluttonous treats. but is it really such a sin to want someone to grin about in public and frighten strangers, receive a text message and know exactly who it is, someone to spend the day with and not grow weary. someone to write notes on your bed side table with pretty things like "have a good day, ugly x" someone you down a bottle of wine with even when there isn't any reason to celebrate, someone to finish your food, someone to take half- cut face photographs with, someone to tell secrets with and giggle about the most trivial things. someone to smile at like a pathetic little nutter, someone to cook brunch with and stay in bed all afternoon with obscure films and a guitar, someone willing to try and figure you out as you do the same with him. maybe it is. maybe i just need to get out more. maybe that person doesn't exist. or is halfway across the world thinking the same things about a girl with a concocted identity. maybe, maybe not.

love,

ps. my dear lord, kill me now.

thought # 3- why i love androgony

dear boyfee,

i know this may sound like a love letter rather than a blog, but i see this apt and believe you do too. it has been 13 incredible years and at your request i would like to remind you by my new penchant- listing.

11 reasons why i adore eleanor clark.

1. she's my boyfriend (personal joke folks)- the only one i know who will never leave, bicker and annoy me and is very tolerant to third parties within our relationship.
2. she's splendid company- from shopping trips, perving on men in suits at the city and coffee playdates, she listens, shares and is obviously a very beautiful piece of arm candy.
3. we're both nerds in our own ways- her obvious ocd for things rhyming with bent, dickhead (i wasnt meaning to be offensive... what possibly rhymes with wicked?) and bamtam, only shows unhealthy dedication.
4. we did and are still doing life together- especially these last two years of high school. it has been amazing getting to know her many boy dilemmas and advocacy for pathetic sappiness haha.
5. she laughs at me- in a non-malicious manner (though sometimes she may secretly do so but i forgive her) and seems to understand my horrible sense of humour.
6. she makes me laugh- purloin is not a steak, remember? 
7. she's lame- it's forgivable seeing as i am too.
8. she trusts me- with so much, even i question her. 
9. she likes me- genuinely. this can be questionnable but we haven't had any misunderstandings yet so i'd like to retain this assumption.
10. she likes asian food- meaning she's not racist or white supremist. she embraces asians and in return we asians embrace her with our delectable cuisine.
11. she's real- in all seriousness (not that i wasnt serious about the ten other points haha), she is the most raw, wholehearted individual you will meet. her humility and transparency is astounding and she is an incredible blessing to my life.

haha there you go, you owe me one clark.

love

p.s. remember this evening, when we went to the leichardt forum and decided we wanted to live here... but then the airplanes became a problem? haha