thought #158- i want a boyfriend, minus the boyfriend

i'm slightly embarrassed to confess this but i'm kind of lonely. laugh as you will, call me soft and weak, label me romantic and cheesy but that is the veracity. now this doesn't mean i'm desperate and about to pounce on the next guy that presents me with a hint of attention, neither does it mean that i'm ready to sell my soul for a relationship. it's just a momentary feeling of solitude. no biggie but i must say a lot of things have affected this sudden change (or absence) of heart.

first, it's the current desert of romantic interests i find myself stranded on. now don't get me wrong the feeling is a relief, and i'm not fussed either. but the last time i didn't like someone was.... i can't even remember because it was that long ago. i guess i've just grown accustomed to always having someone there to fantasise and stalk haha. someone to secretly adore or publicly admire. second, is the sudden increase in relationships/engagements/love. it's both a nauseous, envious feeling. with almost ever facebook status riddled with "SO AND SO IS GETTING ENGAGED!!!... HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BABY... I'M GOING TO BE A MRS!" farout. i puke on the tissue i use to wipe my stray tears (totally joking). third is the lack of excitement. there is no more fun; the thrill of the pursuit, the euphoric "honeymoon" phase, the catastrophic heartbreak (thank God) and the getting over. nothing.

i'm trying not to sound like i'm complaining but i suck at patience. i guess i just miss the feeling, the memories, the security. i miss not being so selfish. i feel guilty for saying so, as if i'm craving gluttonous treats. but is it really such a sin to want someone to grin about in public and frighten strangers, receive a text message and know exactly who it is, someone to spend the day with and not grow weary. someone to write notes on your bed side table with pretty things like "have a good day, ugly x" someone you down a bottle of wine with even when there isn't any reason to celebrate, someone to finish your food, someone to take half- cut face photographs with, someone to tell secrets with and giggle about the most trivial things. someone to smile at like a pathetic little nutter, someone to cook brunch with and stay in bed all afternoon with obscure films and a guitar, someone willing to try and figure you out as you do the same with him. maybe it is. maybe i just need to get out more. maybe that person doesn't exist. or is halfway across the world thinking the same things about a girl with a concocted identity. maybe, maybe not.

love,

ps. my dear lord, kill me now.

thought #63- be be your love

i don't think ive posted a song as a thought ever. however due to the busyness of life as we speak and a concotion of tiredness and humidity from photoshoots in the sweltering sun with my gorgeous love eleanor clark, has caused me to think of nothing but this oldie but goodie. a song i have always adored, and yes it was on sisterhood of the travelling pants and yes i am unashamedly able to say that it was a good movie despite the horrible stigma i had created prior to viewing it haha.

enjoy lovelies and be sure to check friperie tomorrow night, photos will finally be up!

"Be Be Your Love"- Rachael Yamagata

If I could take you away
Pretend I was queen
What would you say?
Would you think I'm unreal?
'Cause everybody's got their way I should feel

Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Want to be your everything

Everything...

Everything's falling, and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted
Was a little piece of you

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

Everything will be alright
If you just stay the night
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

I want to be your love, love, love 


without disrespecting the brilliance of this song, i believe my situation sings more
"you don't want me to be, be your love, but i want, want, want to be your love" sigh haha. get over it abi, you're pathetic haha

love,

p.s. not sure if ive used this pic before. but its worthy of a repost. i definitely feel like this lately. stuck to a fucking wall i want to love and hate simulatenously. just like falling for people, pathetic really haha.