thought #265- 2:17am confessions

1. Things between us were so much better before I left. Perhaps it was the urgency, the thought at the back of our heads that beat against our bewildered chests reminding us that it would never be the same again. Perhaps it was the way we dipped into each others lives, at moments as best friends, sometimes something more so routinely that we couldn't stop bring a part of it all. Perhaps you liked me a little more, and I the same. Perhaps we just got used to being away from each other that those cold nights sitting at your back porch holding hands are now just fond memories, that really in retrospect it, you, me and us meant nothing at all... Perhaps I'm only feeling this way because I secretly just miss you.

2. I don't know how to stop caring about you. I feel ridiculous and pathetic to be separated by oceans and time differences and countries and still wondering if you're well. If maybe, in between your frivolous living, your intoxicated evenings, the cigarette breaks in the quad and the joints you roll so professionally and the inconvenient fact that you love someone else, you think about me. Be it in a scintilla of insignificance, do things remind you of me? Does that song take your mind back to that time we sat on the mattress, high and happy like in a 90's teenage movie? Do you ever wonder how I am? Do you still remember that night we... Or am i being quixotic? I hate asking these questions knowing very well that you don't, because even when I had the chance to matter to you I didn't. And though I try not to dwell on that stupor, that semester, I still feel I left my heart on the other side of the world. You still bruise me.

3. Part of me wants to relive you again, the other wants to erase it. You came as a surprise, something unintentional, something that even I was taken off guard by. Perhaps it was an impulsive whim, spurred on by intoxication and your mysterious, foreign physique. I don't know if we will ever meet again but maybe if we do will I want it a second time round? Will I succumb to thinking that all I really need right now is the lack of familiarity, the off comfort of temporality, the absence of intimacy, the advantage of being a stranger with nothing attached to our names and being. Perhaps all I need is to be held in between the sheets, hearing you heavily breathe, feeling the warmth and weight of your arm wrapped around my body like a blanket of flesh. Perhaps I just need to fill the void of loneliness with another empty promise? You were lovely and all... but what about love?

4. I am so torn. In between attempting to salvage the condition of my soul, fighting. the carnal desires and vices that unhinge me every time, the struggle between self-image and worth, my insecurities and doubts and trying to connect my aspirations and dreams with reality... I'm tired, unfulfilled and crumbling. I want so many things to work out in my life right now but I feel like a mess. I need divine intervention, motivation, I need life and love. I just want to be content and happy like I was before. Instead of worrying all the time about the future and my impending ageing. I just need something good to work.

5. Happiness and heaven is just a state of mind. As hard as its going to be I'm going to be grateful. I choose to be happy. I choose life and not death. I choose not to be content with living a half hearted existence. I am thankful for the job I am yet to receive. I am thankful for the opportunity I am yet to grab. I am grateful to be doing tertiary education while others can't even afford a uniform. I am thankful for the things I have and the blessings I've been given instead of the things missing in my life. I will be patient for the man of my dreams and I know when the time is right he'll comes and I'll actually want to fall in love and it'll be so much more fulfilling than one night or one sordid crush that shits all over your heart with his oblivion. I am thankful for the angels I am yet to entertain, the people I am yet to meet and the goodness that is coming my way. I'm tired of falling asleep on a wet pillow. Joy comes with the morning.

Love,

thought #257- oh i'm tired

i really am. i am mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted as we speak. as much as i've loved and breathed and existed in every moment that has been these past few months and the very last semester of my undergraduate degree, i'm drained as an iv drip. i don't think i've ever felt this skeletal and hollow in my entire life. i guess the months of sleep deprivation, spliff and cigarette chaining, constant heat, soup dinners and perpetual intoxication has really taken a toll on me. it has been one chaotic party that i've loved, cursed and come out with a repetitive morning after feeling in my bones. it's actually caused me to stop and think for a minute. about the frightening impending future, about what i want to do with my life, the condition of my soul, the people i've grown to love and the ones i've left behind. it's really caused me to open my eyes to how easy the downward spiral can be, it's also opened my eyes to how hard the upward climb back to reality, to morality, to conscience and to what i believe is right.

i feel like this carnal fun, these days of bliss has blinded me from what my purpose in life really is, about what i hold dear and who i ultimately trust. sure it's fun and games but it leaves you empty, fucked up, without any way to get back what was lost. i'm not saying i regret everything that has happened because it's been such a brilliant, mind-blowing experience. life lessons have be learnt and people have been met. i can truly say i can never be the same again. i've encountered the world, i've been happy, i've been hurt, i've been wanting and i've been questioning. i've had doubts and i've had delights so i would never trade it for anything else. but at the end of the day, there is more than this. i don't want to die being remembered as merely the person who went off the rails in uni and nothing more.

life is far beyond this perpetual party. it's about real life decisions, it's about being selfless and making a difference. it's beyond the glory days of university, it's beyond the hedonistic, risk-taking adoption of YOLO. it's about reaching out beyond your physical self and finding joy and life and love in an eternal way. it's about finding a way to not be so tired anymore.

love,

thought #63- be be your love

i don't think ive posted a song as a thought ever. however due to the busyness of life as we speak and a concotion of tiredness and humidity from photoshoots in the sweltering sun with my gorgeous love eleanor clark, has caused me to think of nothing but this oldie but goodie. a song i have always adored, and yes it was on sisterhood of the travelling pants and yes i am unashamedly able to say that it was a good movie despite the horrible stigma i had created prior to viewing it haha.

enjoy lovelies and be sure to check friperie tomorrow night, photos will finally be up!

"Be Be Your Love"- Rachael Yamagata

If I could take you away
Pretend I was queen
What would you say?
Would you think I'm unreal?
'Cause everybody's got their way I should feel

Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Want to be your everything

Everything...

Everything's falling, and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted
Was a little piece of you

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

Everything will be alright
If you just stay the night
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

I want to be your love, love, love 


without disrespecting the brilliance of this song, i believe my situation sings more
"you don't want me to be, be your love, but i want, want, want to be your love" sigh haha. get over it abi, you're pathetic haha

love,

p.s. not sure if ive used this pic before. but its worthy of a repost. i definitely feel like this lately. stuck to a fucking wall i want to love and hate simulatenously. just like falling for people, pathetic really haha. 

thought # 37- i'm a university admirer

as in i have a feeling ill be one of those sad little nerds who will live, breathe and thrive in the glories of tertiary study and find excitement over lectures, handsome strangers who walk past daily, coffee and lunch dates with old friends and new ones and the liberty of no uniform and hair regulations. i have a feeling i will never really get over the university phase haha.

i can affirm this thought whilst walking through usyd's prodigious campus and feeling utterly at home. poor kuan and mads who had to witness my excitement and share in my jubilation to be at a mock lecture. thank you both for coming with me. i love you my favourites who put up with my nerdy self. regardless if usyd will be my university (for first year anyway) i am beyond excited at finally beginning life after high school and expectant at what this year will birth and bring.

so yesterday's much tiring but splendid day involved meeting with kuan at blacktown, in which we unexpectedly bumped into ced on the way to work. after never finding mads on the train we eventually sighted her at central and began our walk to uts. the straightforward trip was interrupted (on a good note) by the darling josh baissari who was also on his way to uts. after collecting our freebies as is always an advantage, we caught the free bus to syd uni and after momentarily getting lost and shotgunning each other to ask questions, we managed to attend the business lecture and collect information etc.

we went to lunch at a korean bbq thanks to kuan and enjoyed our meal like tourists haha. we waited for the bus to unsw but unfortunately this never arrived and out of boredom, tire and a compulsion to shop and consume gelato we decided to go to town hall and go to qvb. we went to myer and spent a ridiculous amount of time dnming on a couch made of grass... this was without a doubt a highlight of our whole adventure. after mads bought her gelato (relationship therapy) and headed home. after mads left us at westmead, kuan and i continued to blacktown where we had boost and waited for his mother.

after being thankfully dropped off by kuan's mother, i arrived back home with aching legs, much information and my mind decided and set upon which university. hence the conclusion of my day haha. over all the day was splendid, hot, intriguing, educational haha and grand.

love

p.s. once again we should of taken photos!