thought #237- commitment phobia

the fear of commitment has never been an issue in the past. i am a dedicated person by nature. i'm never half assed when venturing out into the unknown be it a new hobby, a new semester of study (that can be argued) or in this case a new relationship. i guess consequently, as a result for giving away too much too soon, i end up feeling like the dejected, miserable little turd that committed to something without checking whether the other party was on the same page. even (and especially) during the times i've been conscious as not to get too involved but end up stepping into the deep end and drowning in my own patheticness. but lately, and to be honest i don't know if this has been conjured by terminal singleness or my hopes for leaving the country next semester, or my sudden apathetic and laid back approach to life in general, i've been feeling uncommitted with matters pertaining to the heart.

now don't get me wrong, this doesnt mean i've turned into a crazy bachelorette aspiring to have crazy monkey sex with a different man every night, get married to my job and live a lonely, meaningless life which i will regret at 85. hell no. i still want to find that man i am to commit myself to. i still want to get married, have babies, establish a career and live a life as an extension of myself and the real cause of humanity. i still believe that God has a big plan and bright future ahead. it just feels like now, at the tender age of 19 (almost 20), this serious stuff which i've been internally preparing myself for since high school has suddenly been put on hold.

i can't help think i've taken a male approach to this. and i don't ever intend to be a dick about it because i can still recount all too well how much it sucked to be in the position of the rejected. but honestly i just want some fun. i want to explore, enjoy life, taste what the world has to offer. i mean if by chance i stumble into the man of my dreams then it's an all go on my end and i'd be more than happy to commit. but until then, until that fateful day and until i have no firm reason as to commit then i'm going to life the happy go lucky life. i am going to be young and a little restless and a little careless. but i'll never forget my roots, my foundation, my Creator and my purpose.

i guess in summation i'm no longer compelled to find a boy. i'm no longer wishing that i was in a relationship like what appears to be the rest of the universe. i mean i'm open and receptive for you to come into my life but please don't think that i want to get serious. we'll cross the bridge when we get there. just please don't expect so much of me and i will do the same with you too.

love,

thought #52- too familar yet undeciphered

i find this concept of familiarity and certainty as two interrelating concepts, yet two very distinct things.
i find myself battling between the two and as much as i desire certainty i find myself stuck in the corner of recognised places, faces, things and never treading any deeper to where i fear to wade yet desire to explore. on friday at united, i was overcome with this feeling as i briefly exchanged the most sudden contact with former favourite boy. it was an odd feeling, but the best example of what i mean between familiarity and certainty.

prior to 2010, familiarity and certainty between us and most things in life were hand in hand. things were splendid and lacking in complexity and confusion. now i find the bridge has widened and in that five second wave, in that turning around to see him dissolve within a crowd of hundreds of lovely young things, i realised that the familiarity was there. everything had not been moved or altered. the place was recognised, even the moment was a repeat. everything made sense. yet in that quick moment i also realised that my certainty, that my feeling of assurance was no longer present. and to be honest it was slightly tragic. there was no more awkward glances, no more smiles, no more knowing where you belonged and who you belonged to. those were suddenly ripped apart by the divide of our different lives.

when i arrived home, i began to see how life has slowly become swallowed by this trend of familiarity. where everything is in place. where you are not lost, where you need not to adjust. but the reason why you are there, the meaning behind the recognition seems distorted. i want it back... i want things to not just be "hey i know this!" and "yes ive seen this before". but to also be "and that is why i do this." i guess this trivial encounter left me questioning whether i had chosen the correct path and made the right decision. but i guess the conclusion of this year will tell me all and i am beyond pathetic-ness to want anything more but become nothing less. i refuse to regret.

i miss knowing everything was alright. i miss many things. but i guess missing can only be an extension. the rest is living it out.

love,

p.s. what familiarity and certainty looked like (past tense).

thought # 34- note to self

1. don't ever smoke cigarettes or consume alcohol or stay up until 3am talking about the complicated world of relationships when you have an eight hour "podiatric suicide" work shift the next day. HAHA

nevertheless i had a splendid evening at the grey residence celebrating the birth of the one and only eugene.  despite having to leave early due to work the next morning, i did have my fair share of reunions, perving on handsome strangers, meeting lovely new people, amusing myself at the antics of drunk people and being fed by lovely asian parents. it was i must say a prelude to 2010 and all the exciting wonders it is to bring. soon i will be posting my things to do for 2010 list which i actually intend to be completing (for once).

alot of things have been surging through my mind lately and to be honest it is hard to discern which path to follow. though i know some are life changing and attached to the future in a large impacting way, some are minor things that have convicted me to re-evaluate and enter 2010 without having to think about such things. there is one issue in particular. of course i can't elaborate when the people involved are currently oblivious so until then i shall remain vague and secretive haha.

well i guess decisions and change in this context may blossom into something better. i need to start dealing with life now... feels like  i haven't been doing so lately haha.

love,

p.s. life kind of feels a bit like this these days. (http://tumblergh.tumblr.com/)