thought #56- you're a beautiful letdown

being carnal, human and broken life is inevitably peppered with disappointment. some disappointments are trivial and petty similarly to the way matthew moore breaks his promises again and again yet somehow makes it up to me by a singular apology and entertaining text message (plus you put up with my mean and incessant annoying haha). some disappointments are life altering, encounters, moments and people which dictate or sway the course you will take, the prospects of your tomorrow, the conscious and deliberate decision to arise each morning. some disappointments are learning blocks, similarly to failures and mistakes whilst others are indelible scars that take patience and faith to heal.

regardless of what sort of disappointment we must face there is only really one question and solution that distinctly creates a barrier between humanity. to hope and overcome? or being engulfed and in despair? it is easy to fall back into apathy and complacency and begin to exist without any intention of living. it is easy to also say that i will choose hope when life is dandy and euphoric but not so effortless when you are at the very crook of the valley.

sadly there is no five step guide on how to deal with disappointment. there is no easy solution or equation but we must remember that it is part of life. there will be a tomorrow, there is hope, there is always an opportunity to rise and another day to conquer. some people may laugh at this crudely and remark that i am idealistically bullshitting. that is fair enough. but i truly believe disappointment is not what is to define our life, but the way we dealt with it. it is not foolish to trust and hope and have faith. it it takes all these things in order to overcome a letdown. ultimately there is a reason why we can face difficulties, a reason which leads us to realise we are so much bigger then ourselves and our disappointments are only specks in the totality of existence. that reason why abides in you and i.

love,

ps. follow the up arrow, the sky is limitless after the tragedy :) thanks danise! 

thought #54- hot is better left to describe heat not humans

even though i'm a repeated culprit at referring to overly attractive men as "hot" deep inside there is so much more to a gorgeous person behind such a label and moreso it would be less tragic to know that a man thinks of you far more greater than your "hotness." so as i promised my dear friend matthew moore, i will explore the word/concept of "hot" and its irrelevance to relationships and our society in general, in five easy statements.

1. there is a difference between hot and beautiful- to be described as hot may certainly be flattering, but will not perpetually continue. in this world you are either genetically blessed to have the ability to make men/women melt at your smouldering physique and external attractiveness, however this doesn't necessarily equate to a beautiful human being. the word hot is often affiliated with either the scantily clad, make up- ridden, good looking but zero substance girls who enjoy their time spent being felt up and in the company of equally bitching friends or the smoking, jaw dropping males who flaunt and swoon but have dick and jerk written all over. to be beautiful could actually include a degree of "hotness" but to be solely associated to as being hot is superficially and irrefutably not beautiful. being beautiful is to have a heart that can exceed the loveliness of one's face. 
2. being hot is so transitory- what's hot is so easily defined by the mind of an era. you could be hot last year, then you're suddenly not simply because you're not wearing the popular clothes, listening to the popular music, being popular and all that shitty mainstream business. besides since we've established that hot is a shallow factor, today you may be seen as hot but in 20 years time this could no longer be the case. sadly, if you are too busy being fuelled by this idea of "hotness," chances are you will age to a point of realisation that you never took the time to be beautiful or even understand human beauty.
3. being JUST hot is not enough- so yes you maybe "hot" and attractive and every man/woman you encounter froths over how gorgeous you are, but at the end of the day no one would ever delight in a boyfriend/girlfriend/romantic relation/other half replying to the question "why do you like so and so?" with "cause they're hot." it would be a different story if one was to continue after this, but if its solely because you're hot then forget it. you're personality and values and things that define you greater than a hormone-fuelled feeling are far more worthy.
4. being hot is superficial- would you prefer a girl/guy saying that you're so beautiful or you're so hot? i mean obviously beautiful means theres so much more than just scratching the surface of a human. hot in this context can be seen as derogatory or even dehumanising as if you are defined simply by how physically irresistible you can be and not because you are wise, profound and caring.
5. relationships are never based on "hotness"- and if they do, they usually don't last. you're an absolute idiot if you date someone just because they are fabulous arm candy but when no ones looking and commenting on how great you are together, there are no deep talks, similarities and common interests- you end up as bland, flat and one sided. i dont think folks like my grandparents who have been married for over 50 years once thought of each other as hot and that was it. its not bad i guess to be "hot" but its more important to be beautiful.

love,

ps. it really is, haha. 

thought #50- 51 words to describe the past 51 entries

just because its such a momentous occassion... and just because i wasnt bothered recapping 51 thoughts in one evening haha.

51 words in relation to the past 51 entries

2010 has been terrifically messy, confusing, challenging yet splendid. i have befriended new folk and missed the old companions. i miss the comfort and familiarity of 2009 but beyond expectant and prepared to rearrange life, fall in love, learn to be human, appreciate existence, embrace change, and regret nothing... just croire.

ps. thanks for today matty. you may have a severely terrible backhand at wii tennis but you're much amusement to observe :) oh and you owe me so bad, you know what i mean haha. 

pps. and thank you for looking for that non-existent battery with me carlo. 

thought #46- years don't die. they just grow up.

as my lovely friend annelise holwerda once wrote on my facebook, i can wholeheartedly agree with this statement as 2010 begins to blossom and change, change and more change moulds my world. it feels my days are likened to clay at the potter's wheel. cheesy, hallmark-like simile but it does feel that so much has altered and is altering and being examined, analysed, discarded and refined. it's almost scary, being in such a vulnerable position but i guess this year is the perfect time to do so. the time where you are no longer a child and where the future is much more closer than you once intended it. where independence is at your grasp and where big decisions surpass which party to go to on the weekend and whether to do that math homework or not (how i miss the simplicity of secondary schooling haha).

suddenly you are faced with life. frightening haha. well i guess all this profound talk was spurred by todays happenings in which i enrolled at uts straight after work with kuan. it was a brilliant day amidst confusing timetable selections, the awkward weather and even awkward train ride with an old man rocking back and forth behind us. we encountered strangers (random abc radio lady questioning my opinions regarding virginity and tony abbott haha) and friends (e.g. eugene the random) and whoever is defined by the status in between.  after being dropped off by kuan, i returned home tired but fighting the desire to nap seeing as it is powerhouse soon and i am adamant to battle laziness and attend. my day concludes here and so i return to the glories of technology, pondering about the subject which has been in my mind for the past week or so now- past, present, future.

love,

ps. cute picture, and yes i know it has no relevance to the entry haha.
pps. this reminded me of playing super mario on matty's iphone! i miss you, new unexpected friend haha.

thought #43- why i can't be anti-social tomorrow

as much as it repulses every feeling and natural operation of my personality regarding befriending strangers, i will make friends with unfamilar faces. mainly because i will be in queensland, without knowing anyone personally but hopefully finding solace and comfort in a few people who attempted to not be anti-social themselves haha. it is a bittersweet feeling as i write away, knowing very well that the next proper post will be a week from sunday (depending upon the internet connection, virtual facilities and time in brisbane). i am excited and enthralled to be experiencing such independence and liberty and hopeful to meet (as sappy as this sounds) "life long friends" which an experience of this calibre can only offer haha.

on the other hand i am hesitant to leave, and although one week will transitorily pass before i can even pay attention, knowing i will have to sacrifice the little luxuries of my regular life. little things like skyping until the wee hours of the morning with kuan, complaining before, during and after work haha, messaging matty almost (if not) every day, the incessant chatter of my parents, even the iotas of life like a message or comment from facebook or the comfort found sleeping in my own bed. but nevertheless it will be splendid. hopefully i will be able to recount most of the experiences and encounters :)

well i shall be off, tonight is another birthday party to attend before i am to board a plane in the morning and hopefully avoid any tourist symptoms and embarrassingly getting lost haha. until next week, be safe and take care my lovelies.

much love and will miss you all,

ps. this picture doesnt really give brisbane justice... but oh well haha.