thought #255- the last leg

and so my north gower days are almost over and another part of my london town adventures comes to a close. how is it possible for 3 months to feel like 3 days and how can i feel so attached to people i feel like i've just met? this whole semester has been such a rollercoaster ride of emotions and ethereal experiences. i am so glad i chose to end my undergraduate degree on the other side of the world, engaged in true, standard student life. the feeling is bittersweet, part of me wishes i still had more time to be young and careless, sleep-deprived, perpetually baked, intoxicated and constantly on heat. it has been such a surreal time here. the friendships i've established, the moments that tested us all, the petty arguments, the exposure of real people's characters, the infamous bathtimes and the family dinners. everything has been such a lesson learnt. london has truly opened my eyes to the vastness of the world. it's broadened physical and psychological perspectives and it's really motivated me to strive more for the future. i can't complain, this semester has surpassed all others.

as much as i look forward to the comforts of home, familiarity and reality, part of me doesn't want to say farewell to life here. change is such a double edged sword. it's a ridiculous tease, the moment you feel you're comfortable and complacent, than bam! change and life take each other by the hand and fuck around with your existence and emotions and forces you to adapt once again. i actually thought to myself, what if i never meet any of these people again? it's disheartening and i hope we don't just all fade away into banality, however, especially since i naturally reside in the southern hemisphere this could potentially be a reality. i hope that when we do meet again, we'll all be content, happy and be where we want to be at that exact moment of our lives. that we'll scream at having seen each other again, provide innumerable embraces and european kisses and compliment each other on how well we've aged. we'll talk about the present and future over a good feed and bottles of wine, but dedicate time to reminisce on these north gower days, laughing about the people we kissed, the hysterical fits, the late night maccas runs, the time we made brownies, passing out after a bottle of wine and the night we had to carry so and so to bed. hopefully we can look back, with more understanding and maturity and feel like that time had to be experienced in order to appreciate, value and accept the change of what we have now and what we will have one day.

love,

ps. going to miss this crazy bunch. so much love for them all x

thought #226- so long farewell auf wiedersehen goodbye

dear           ,

you entered my life abruptly and unexpectedly, so i guess it's apt for you to leave just the same way. i've never been one to end things in a bad way, i hate moving on with scraps of regret entailing me. so it's sad to think that it had to be someone i cared about so much, someone i thought would stick around that i find unwillingly letting go. you remind me of a lot of things. some fond others tragic. i can't help but think how much of a blur our relationship was, it was a pleasant ride with no set time and destination. i think that's what made it so much easier for me to be comfortable with you, knowing that i wasn't pressured to be anywhere or anything with you. that knowing you were there was enough.

but i guess it wasn't enough. i mean i am to blame for why things fell apart. but i wonder how many times i have to apologise for you to understand. i have no real explanation for why i thought it was best for us to go our separate ways,  i guess i was scared, or too comfortable, or expectant. maybe i was being impulsive and thinking with my head and abandoning my heart. i mean yes i had a bit of fun after but it came at a painful price. it's like a little internal piece of me died when things ended and it has finally taken me now to bury it. is it true that you can't stay friends with someone you had a past with? because i thought we could. i value your friendship more than anything, even before feelings started to seep its way into our systems.  i wish things could be as straightforward as they were before. i wish we aren't playing this mixed signal game of confusion. i wish we could of remained as friends; this is what hurts me the most that i can't even be a part of your life anymore. 

maybe at the end of the day we just weren't meant to be. maybe it was supposed to be as simple as that for us. yet somehow we have to get all complicated and never face this "closure" that i need and that i feel you don't want to give. i would have been fine with that, to end things on a happy note and move on. not like how we are now.

we've both changed. our lives naturally veering into dissimilar directions yet i still feel something (like back in our high school days) every time i coincidentally bump into you. but i'm tired. i don't want to settle for happy, mushy feelings when you feel it's convenient for you. i wonder if you truly understand how upsetting it is for you to delete me and incorporate me into your life that easily. i wonder if you're aware of the sometimes friend you've become. i wonder if you know how it feels to be constantly ignored, to try to work things out civilly, to make right a mistake in vain. i guess you just stopped caring.
so its almost been two years and though my heart is still stubbornly set on some mendacious hope that things will work out, i'm tired. i'm too tired of being ignored and putting all this effort for someone who doesn't give a fuck. maybe you thought we weren't an issue anymore but for me it wasn't over. i didn't realise how much i really cared for you until i saw how different you've become. how easy it is for you to be so indifferent, to stop trying, to hold back. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't bitter, but i'm willing to look past this if you do too.  i'll be honest i still have respect for you. i believe you'll go places and fulfill your purpose and have a relationship with the Creator that i wish i personally possessed but i hope you don't stop loving people in the process. i still have hope. something i'll never dispel. i still believe you're capable of being that beautiful human being that made me smile and helped me learn to use my heart but it just can't be with the way things are now. i can't be your anything right now.

so for now it's goodbye.

love,

thought #43- why i can't be anti-social tomorrow

as much as it repulses every feeling and natural operation of my personality regarding befriending strangers, i will make friends with unfamilar faces. mainly because i will be in queensland, without knowing anyone personally but hopefully finding solace and comfort in a few people who attempted to not be anti-social themselves haha. it is a bittersweet feeling as i write away, knowing very well that the next proper post will be a week from sunday (depending upon the internet connection, virtual facilities and time in brisbane). i am excited and enthralled to be experiencing such independence and liberty and hopeful to meet (as sappy as this sounds) "life long friends" which an experience of this calibre can only offer haha.

on the other hand i am hesitant to leave, and although one week will transitorily pass before i can even pay attention, knowing i will have to sacrifice the little luxuries of my regular life. little things like skyping until the wee hours of the morning with kuan, complaining before, during and after work haha, messaging matty almost (if not) every day, the incessant chatter of my parents, even the iotas of life like a message or comment from facebook or the comfort found sleeping in my own bed. but nevertheless it will be splendid. hopefully i will be able to recount most of the experiences and encounters :)

well i shall be off, tonight is another birthday party to attend before i am to board a plane in the morning and hopefully avoid any tourist symptoms and embarrassingly getting lost haha. until next week, be safe and take care my lovelies.

much love and will miss you all,

ps. this picture doesnt really give brisbane justice... but oh well haha.

  

thought # 36- you don't know what you've got till its gone

this statement rings truth as i sat in church today while robert fergusson was preaching. actually the message wasn't solely based on it but when he mentioned it, i immediately became convicted. i guess especially in this point of life and what has been left dormant or discarded in 2009. you never do realise what you had once possessed, or taken for granted or is so part of the trivial, quotidian routine of life until they disappear and you start to feel the absence.

sometimes the feeling is a relief, an accomplishment, a victory. sometimes its sad and morose like an internal piece of the puzzle, which makes up who you are, is missing. sometimes its frightening because you suddenly have to face existence or something in life alone and without that usual person, thing or guide. but most of the time its hard. whether we were hoping for the day to come in which were expecting liberty or hoping that things would never ever have to turn the way it did. regardless if it was for the best, whether it was mutual, who wanted it or who didnt. relationships, people, things, feelings are all hard to let go.

and its this realisation of when things are suddenly hollow in their presence which is the most convicting. you think about how amazing life was with them/that. you hold onto memories and cherish every little detail that "it" is synonymous with. sometimes i wish it didnt have to take for things to end or go before we can appreciate people and aspects of life. thats why i guess this 2010, i want to do things a little more differently.

i dont want to wait until i've lost something or someone dear to me for me to actually realise how special they are. don't make the mistake of doing so. save yourself the heartache and call friends, remind family, stop in the busyness of life to, just as robert fergusson mentioned today, appreciate beauty. there is such a thin line from something that brings us to our knees in awe to something that is so yesterday. i hope i never think that way about anyone in my life. so forgive me in advance if i sound like a sappy little happy camper but i just want to know what i have and know it for all it's worth when i still have it now. 


love,

ps. i think this maybe an album, im still unsure. the title just made perfect sense for this haha.