dear you,
to be honest it's hard to wish you well when part of me wants to rip you into shreds and punch that beautiful face of yours for being so inconsiderate and selfish. it's hard to feign that your carelessness doesn't phase me. it's easier to cause controversy and rely on being upset, but what will that do? will that make you love me? will that conceal the wounded gaping part of my heart? or will that just make me look like a desperate, overly attached jilted secret admirer? but i guess in this circumstance and situation, i choose to be happy. i choose to be the bigger person. and i don't think that will happen overnight. i don't think it'll even come to pass the minute you leave. it will take an unknown amount of time but it will happen and eventually you'll be put on the mental shelf as another life lesson learnt the hard way.
as much as i hate admitting it, feelings were involved. mine anyway. as much as i wanted to be as detached and indifferent about you and everything revolving around you, it just couldn't be. you were my oblivious first. you had no choice in the matter. of course i was going to get attached. i wish i told you, then perhaps we would of never did what we did and acted the way we acted and subsequently i would of never been in this fucking place. but once again life lesson. technically you didn't/don't know and i'm not even your girlfriend so i have no right or authority to be upset. but how can you not? when someone you secretly could have given the world to with such ease, someone you barely know but want to know, someone who actually meant a great deal for not doing much, is entertaining another and not giving a shit about you. it really sucks being second best. the last resort, another option, the "been there done that".
i don't wish i was yours because i don't think you would of cared as much as i did. i don't want to be the one that loves the other more. i should of seen the signs, i should of tended to the signals but somehow my idiotic heart convinced me that you would come around. but you never did. i hope when i do get over you, i can truly see how repulsive and unfair you are right now. because right now all i see is you leaving and me never seeing you again. all i see is an unsatisfied lust that i need to get out of my system.
i hope one day, be it tomorrow, two weeks or twenty years later, you'll come to realise. i hope you regret dealing with this all the way you did. i know it is much to ask but i hope you remember me as the one who got away. and even if you forget about my existence and i fade into banality and we never meet again and you live a fabulous life (which i know you will), i hope you come to realise how immature you acted. i hope you see the way you broke my heart as a life lesson learnt the hard way.
wishing you well
love,
Showing posts with label letters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label letters. Show all posts
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
thought #226- so long farewell auf wiedersehen goodbye
dear ,
you entered my life abruptly and unexpectedly, so i guess it's apt for you to leave just the same way. i've never been one to end things in a bad way, i hate moving on with scraps of regret entailing me. so it's sad to think that it had to be someone i cared about so much, someone i thought would stick around that i find unwillingly letting go. you remind me of a lot of things. some fond others tragic. i can't help but think how much of a blur our relationship was, it was a pleasant ride with no set time and destination. i think that's what made it so much easier for me to be comfortable with you, knowing that i wasn't pressured to be anywhere or anything with you. that knowing you were there was enough.
but i guess it wasn't enough. i mean i am to blame for why things fell apart. but i wonder how many times i have to apologise for you to understand. i have no real explanation for why i thought it was best for us to go our separate ways, i guess i was scared, or too comfortable, or expectant. maybe i was being impulsive and thinking with my head and abandoning my heart. i mean yes i had a bit of fun after but it came at a painful price. it's like a little internal piece of me died when things ended and it has finally taken me now to bury it. is it true that you can't stay friends with someone you had a past with? because i thought we could. i value your friendship more than anything, even before feelings started to seep its way into our systems. i wish things could be as straightforward as they were before. i wish we aren't playing this mixed signal game of confusion. i wish we could of remained as friends; this is what hurts me the most that i can't even be a part of your life anymore.
maybe at the end of the day we just weren't meant to be. maybe it was supposed to be as simple as that for us. yet somehow we have to get all complicated and never face this "closure" that i need and that i feel you don't want to give. i would have been fine with that, to end things on a happy note and move on. not like how we are now.
we've both changed. our lives naturally veering into dissimilar directions yet i still feel something (like back in our high school days) every time i coincidentally bump into you. but i'm tired. i don't want to settle for happy, mushy feelings when you feel it's convenient for you. i wonder if you truly understand how upsetting it is for you to delete me and incorporate me into your life that easily. i wonder if you're aware of the sometimes friend you've become. i wonder if you know how it feels to be constantly ignored, to try to work things out civilly, to make right a mistake in vain. i guess you just stopped caring.
so its almost been two years and though my heart is still stubbornly set on some mendacious hope that things will work out, i'm tired. i'm too tired of being ignored and putting all this effort for someone who doesn't give a fuck. maybe you thought we weren't an issue anymore but for me it wasn't over. i didn't realise how much i really cared for you until i saw how different you've become. how easy it is for you to be so indifferent, to stop trying, to hold back. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't bitter, but i'm willing to look past this if you do too. i'll be honest i still have respect for you. i believe you'll go places and fulfill your purpose and have a relationship with the Creator that i wish i personally possessed but i hope you don't stop loving people in the process. i still have hope. something i'll never dispel. i still believe you're capable of being that beautiful human being that made me smile and helped me learn to use my heart but it just can't be with the way things are now. i can't be your anything right now.
so for now it's goodbye.
love,
you entered my life abruptly and unexpectedly, so i guess it's apt for you to leave just the same way. i've never been one to end things in a bad way, i hate moving on with scraps of regret entailing me. so it's sad to think that it had to be someone i cared about so much, someone i thought would stick around that i find unwillingly letting go. you remind me of a lot of things. some fond others tragic. i can't help but think how much of a blur our relationship was, it was a pleasant ride with no set time and destination. i think that's what made it so much easier for me to be comfortable with you, knowing that i wasn't pressured to be anywhere or anything with you. that knowing you were there was enough.
but i guess it wasn't enough. i mean i am to blame for why things fell apart. but i wonder how many times i have to apologise for you to understand. i have no real explanation for why i thought it was best for us to go our separate ways, i guess i was scared, or too comfortable, or expectant. maybe i was being impulsive and thinking with my head and abandoning my heart. i mean yes i had a bit of fun after but it came at a painful price. it's like a little internal piece of me died when things ended and it has finally taken me now to bury it. is it true that you can't stay friends with someone you had a past with? because i thought we could. i value your friendship more than anything, even before feelings started to seep its way into our systems. i wish things could be as straightforward as they were before. i wish we aren't playing this mixed signal game of confusion. i wish we could of remained as friends; this is what hurts me the most that i can't even be a part of your life anymore.
maybe at the end of the day we just weren't meant to be. maybe it was supposed to be as simple as that for us. yet somehow we have to get all complicated and never face this "closure" that i need and that i feel you don't want to give. i would have been fine with that, to end things on a happy note and move on. not like how we are now.
we've both changed. our lives naturally veering into dissimilar directions yet i still feel something (like back in our high school days) every time i coincidentally bump into you. but i'm tired. i don't want to settle for happy, mushy feelings when you feel it's convenient for you. i wonder if you truly understand how upsetting it is for you to delete me and incorporate me into your life that easily. i wonder if you're aware of the sometimes friend you've become. i wonder if you know how it feels to be constantly ignored, to try to work things out civilly, to make right a mistake in vain. i guess you just stopped caring.
so its almost been two years and though my heart is still stubbornly set on some mendacious hope that things will work out, i'm tired. i'm too tired of being ignored and putting all this effort for someone who doesn't give a fuck. maybe you thought we weren't an issue anymore but for me it wasn't over. i didn't realise how much i really cared for you until i saw how different you've become. how easy it is for you to be so indifferent, to stop trying, to hold back. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't bitter, but i'm willing to look past this if you do too. i'll be honest i still have respect for you. i believe you'll go places and fulfill your purpose and have a relationship with the Creator that i wish i personally possessed but i hope you don't stop loving people in the process. i still have hope. something i'll never dispel. i still believe you're capable of being that beautiful human being that made me smile and helped me learn to use my heart but it just can't be with the way things are now. i can't be your anything right now.
so for now it's goodbye.
love,
Friday, December 10, 2010
thought# 178- fact or fiction
dear ______,
i don't mind if we're not ourselves. if you're no longer the person i fell in love with. because honestly i'm no longer the person you fell in love with too. i don't mind pretending as if we're back to the beginning. i don't mind sitting perpetually over a full pot of tea and a blanket of cigarette smoke, reacquainting ourselves. meeting like it was the first time- slightly nervous; you fidgeting, myself giggling. our heart chambers guarded, our minds conscious and aware- starring not at a lover but figuring out a human being. i don't miss you because you is no longer who you are now. i would rather meet you again and give myself a chance to miss you. not a fragment of your past identity, a walking epitome i inked in my skull. let me sever the notions of a mr right. an absurd standard no mortal can ever reach, then maybe we can talk again.
i no longer expect nothing. i don't want to mould a perception of what we are to become. because assumptions hurt. and i've tread on water for this long to voluntarily shoot myself in the stomach and give it all up. there's no such thing as what ifs anymore. i only think of now and the next. i am willing to apologise. i've mourned the death of what we had.
this doesn't mean i want to love you again, nor does it mean i don't want too either. i just wanted to let you know that it's time we've moved on. let go and remove ourselves (actually myself) from this subconscious fixation i've placed myself in for awhile now. life is to precious and fleeting to merely sit in one spot and wait until maybe where we once envisioned ourselves to be together to occur. maybe is superfluous. i just want to get to know you. that's it. and if the feeling is not mutual, then i'll know i've lost something quite precious in life. a tragedy that i will associate an "oh well..." to in public but never really get over.
love,
i don't mind if we're not ourselves. if you're no longer the person i fell in love with. because honestly i'm no longer the person you fell in love with too. i don't mind pretending as if we're back to the beginning. i don't mind sitting perpetually over a full pot of tea and a blanket of cigarette smoke, reacquainting ourselves. meeting like it was the first time- slightly nervous; you fidgeting, myself giggling. our heart chambers guarded, our minds conscious and aware- starring not at a lover but figuring out a human being. i don't miss you because you is no longer who you are now. i would rather meet you again and give myself a chance to miss you. not a fragment of your past identity, a walking epitome i inked in my skull. let me sever the notions of a mr right. an absurd standard no mortal can ever reach, then maybe we can talk again.
i no longer expect nothing. i don't want to mould a perception of what we are to become. because assumptions hurt. and i've tread on water for this long to voluntarily shoot myself in the stomach and give it all up. there's no such thing as what ifs anymore. i only think of now and the next. i am willing to apologise. i've mourned the death of what we had.
this doesn't mean i want to love you again, nor does it mean i don't want too either. i just wanted to let you know that it's time we've moved on. let go and remove ourselves (actually myself) from this subconscious fixation i've placed myself in for awhile now. life is to precious and fleeting to merely sit in one spot and wait until maybe where we once envisioned ourselves to be together to occur. maybe is superfluous. i just want to get to know you. that's it. and if the feeling is not mutual, then i'll know i've lost something quite precious in life. a tragedy that i will associate an "oh well..." to in public but never really get over.
love,
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