i'm not over you. but i try to because i see no point. and you may have moved on and we may go our seperate ways, engross ourselves in the quotidian routine we are now attached at the seams to, but the truth is i still care about you. i won't ever come between or become the sometimes girl or steal you away from her. never. but i will be the foolish martyr and ache internally and smile and rejoice at your triumphs as if i fought the battle on your behalf. i will still read letters, gaze at photographs and revive old memories, no matter how many times i delete, abandon or try to deny myself the tortured pleasure. because we both know it was my fault and for that i take the blame. but that doesn't alter the fact of why i still can't give myself away or why i feel this tiny splinter of jealousy and sadness at the back of my throat, or why i still smile fondly at good memories (irrespective if it was just a season) and think will i ever find another one like you?
love
Showing posts with label heartspill. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heartspill. Show all posts
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Friday, December 10, 2010
thought# 178- fact or fiction
dear ______,
i don't mind if we're not ourselves. if you're no longer the person i fell in love with. because honestly i'm no longer the person you fell in love with too. i don't mind pretending as if we're back to the beginning. i don't mind sitting perpetually over a full pot of tea and a blanket of cigarette smoke, reacquainting ourselves. meeting like it was the first time- slightly nervous; you fidgeting, myself giggling. our heart chambers guarded, our minds conscious and aware- starring not at a lover but figuring out a human being. i don't miss you because you is no longer who you are now. i would rather meet you again and give myself a chance to miss you. not a fragment of your past identity, a walking epitome i inked in my skull. let me sever the notions of a mr right. an absurd standard no mortal can ever reach, then maybe we can talk again.
i no longer expect nothing. i don't want to mould a perception of what we are to become. because assumptions hurt. and i've tread on water for this long to voluntarily shoot myself in the stomach and give it all up. there's no such thing as what ifs anymore. i only think of now and the next. i am willing to apologise. i've mourned the death of what we had.
this doesn't mean i want to love you again, nor does it mean i don't want too either. i just wanted to let you know that it's time we've moved on. let go and remove ourselves (actually myself) from this subconscious fixation i've placed myself in for awhile now. life is to precious and fleeting to merely sit in one spot and wait until maybe where we once envisioned ourselves to be together to occur. maybe is superfluous. i just want to get to know you. that's it. and if the feeling is not mutual, then i'll know i've lost something quite precious in life. a tragedy that i will associate an "oh well..." to in public but never really get over.
love,
i don't mind if we're not ourselves. if you're no longer the person i fell in love with. because honestly i'm no longer the person you fell in love with too. i don't mind pretending as if we're back to the beginning. i don't mind sitting perpetually over a full pot of tea and a blanket of cigarette smoke, reacquainting ourselves. meeting like it was the first time- slightly nervous; you fidgeting, myself giggling. our heart chambers guarded, our minds conscious and aware- starring not at a lover but figuring out a human being. i don't miss you because you is no longer who you are now. i would rather meet you again and give myself a chance to miss you. not a fragment of your past identity, a walking epitome i inked in my skull. let me sever the notions of a mr right. an absurd standard no mortal can ever reach, then maybe we can talk again.
i no longer expect nothing. i don't want to mould a perception of what we are to become. because assumptions hurt. and i've tread on water for this long to voluntarily shoot myself in the stomach and give it all up. there's no such thing as what ifs anymore. i only think of now and the next. i am willing to apologise. i've mourned the death of what we had.
this doesn't mean i want to love you again, nor does it mean i don't want too either. i just wanted to let you know that it's time we've moved on. let go and remove ourselves (actually myself) from this subconscious fixation i've placed myself in for awhile now. life is to precious and fleeting to merely sit in one spot and wait until maybe where we once envisioned ourselves to be together to occur. maybe is superfluous. i just want to get to know you. that's it. and if the feeling is not mutual, then i'll know i've lost something quite precious in life. a tragedy that i will associate an "oh well..." to in public but never really get over.
love,
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