thought #256- how to love

dear you,

to be honest it's hard to wish you well when part of me wants to rip you into shreds and punch that beautiful face of yours for being so inconsiderate and selfish. it's hard to feign that your carelessness doesn't phase me. it's easier to cause controversy and rely on being upset, but what will that do? will that make you love me? will that conceal the wounded gaping part of my heart? or will that just make me look like a desperate, overly attached jilted secret admirer? but i guess in this circumstance and situation, i choose to be happy. i choose to be the bigger person. and i don't think that will happen overnight. i don't think it'll even come to pass the minute you leave. it will take an unknown amount of time but it will happen and eventually you'll be put on the mental shelf as another life lesson learnt the hard way.

as much as i hate admitting it, feelings were involved. mine anyway. as much as i wanted to be as detached and indifferent about you and everything revolving around you, it just couldn't be. you were my oblivious first. you had no choice in the matter. of course i was going to get attached. i wish i told you, then perhaps we would of never did what we did and acted the way we acted and subsequently i would of never been in this fucking place. but once again life lesson. technically you didn't/don't know and i'm not even your girlfriend so i have no right or authority to be upset. but how can you not? when someone you secretly could have given the world to with such ease, someone you barely know but want to know, someone who actually meant a great deal for not doing much, is entertaining another and not giving a shit about you. it really sucks being second best. the last resort, another option, the "been there done that".

i don't wish i was yours because i don't think you would of cared as much as i did. i don't want to be the one that loves the other more. i should of seen the signs, i should of tended to the signals but somehow my idiotic heart convinced me that you would come around. but you never did. i hope when i  do get over you, i can truly see how repulsive and unfair you are right now. because right now all i see is you leaving and me never seeing you again. all i see is an unsatisfied lust that i need to get out of my system.

i hope one day, be it tomorrow, two weeks or twenty years later, you'll come to realise. i hope you regret dealing with this all the way you did. i know it is much to ask but i hope you remember me as the one who got away. and even if you forget about my existence and i fade into banality and we never meet again and you live a fabulous life (which i know you will), i hope you come to realise how immature you acted. i hope you see the way you broke my heart as a life lesson learnt the hard way.

wishing you well

love,

thought #116- gonna take you away from home

oh how i adore angus and julia stone especially at this ungodly hour. instead of studying intensely for economics on wednesday, i find myself procrastinating and desiring nothing but to write irrelevant details of life once again. so this letter challenge which everyone has jumped on is quite delightful. i mean i would totally have done the daily surprises but frankly i cant be bothered. and i am bothered right at this moment. so im going to do it all in one post. i know im such a letterwhore, having a tumblr dedicated to writing letters already haha. but lets hope this will get me to sleep. these will also be the shortest letters ever. no essays, promise.

LETTER ONE-
Dear Best Friend,

I admit, I have been the shittest best friend lately. I have been so entangled by my own selfish and jealous priorities and have pushed you away. I'm sorry. When you should be first. Thank you, that regardless, you are still my best friend. Let's talk. Not soon, not tomorrow, not after this chapter to memorise. Now. I love you.

Love Abi.

LETTER TWO-
Dear Crush,

I honestly don't know if you still take this title in my life. You probably do, I just don't want you to anymore. Nevertheless, I have much to thank you for. We could of perhaps been a lovely two. Our imperfections never made sense to us but I was willing to love you anyway. I guess this is the part where we politely agree "Oh well. It was nothing anyway."

Love Abi.

LETTER THREE-
Dear Mum and Dad,

I've already written alot about you lately. Right now I'm frustrated at you both so I can't stubbornly see past our misunderstandings. But I know we will. Get past it, like we always do. I will always love and respect you both, no matter how I'm feeling.

Love Abi

LETTER FOUR-
Dear Grandma,

You are the closest relative (literally) to me. You are an inspiration. I love learning life stories through you. Thank you for teaching me to never cheapen out on fashion and to always keep red lipstick in my pocket. I can't wait till you turn one hundred and we get that letter from the queen. You will alway be beautiful to me.

Love Abi.


LETTER FIVE-
Dear Dreams,

You are innumerable. You seem to give birth every day. Some I hope to do in the near future, some a few years down the track. All I hope to accomplish. I hope to become a better human being by seeing you turn into a reality. If you don't happen to make an appearance in my life, it's ok. I'll know then that you were never meant for me. Thank you in advance for making me happy.

Love Abi.

LETTER SIX-
Dear Stranger,

I've always had a penchant for strangers. Maybe its the mysteriousness or the journey that waits to discover who they really are. I don't know if I will ever be your friend, or know anything beyond your first name. I would just like to say thank you for making my Sundays a little bit brighter. I don't mind us being strangers to each other. As long as I get to admire you from afar and concoct potential realities for you. Until we really do meet...

Love Abi

LETTER SEVEN-
Dear Ex- boyfriend/Girlfriend/Love/Crush

You will always be affiliated with good memories because we never had horrible times together. I still value you highly and wish we talked more often than we do. I hope we can still be friends.  I miss plenty of things but you are part of the past. Because of you, I don't need to dwell or remain fixated by a single year of my life. Thank you for teaching me to be unafraid of the present.

Love Abi.

LETTER EIGHT-
Dear Favourite Internet Friend,

I immediately thought of you when I saw the title. Thank you for keeping me company until the most ungodly hours of the morning. Thank you for making me laugh and smile with our moments of syncopation and desire for a Maccas run. I wish you lived closer. Until our city playdate, you will always be the boy in the polaroid entitled facebook bffl, stuck on my wall,  in my new home when I move out... unless you beat me to it.

Love Abi.

LETTER NINE-
Dear Someone I wish I could... BE,

I wish to be you because you are amazing. In more ways than one. You may have a better life than I, a better everything than I, but you are still human. So I guess I have to put up with your shit too. But the day you tire from being yourself, give me a call. I'll gladly take your place.

Love Abi

All lettered out. now the fun lies in guessing who's who! HAHA

love.