i really am. i am mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted as we speak. as much as i've loved and breathed and existed in every moment that has been these past few months and the very last semester of my undergraduate degree, i'm drained as an iv drip. i don't think i've ever felt this skeletal and hollow in my entire life. i guess the months of sleep deprivation, spliff and cigarette chaining, constant heat, soup dinners and perpetual intoxication has really taken a toll on me. it has been one chaotic party that i've loved, cursed and come out with a repetitive morning after feeling in my bones. it's actually caused me to stop and think for a minute. about the frightening impending future, about what i want to do with my life, the condition of my soul, the people i've grown to love and the ones i've left behind. it's really caused me to open my eyes to how easy the downward spiral can be, it's also opened my eyes to how hard the upward climb back to reality, to morality, to conscience and to what i believe is right.
i feel like this carnal fun, these days of bliss has blinded me from what my purpose in life really is, about what i hold dear and who i ultimately trust. sure it's fun and games but it leaves you empty, fucked up, without any way to get back what was lost. i'm not saying i regret everything that has happened because it's been such a brilliant, mind-blowing experience. life lessons have be learnt and people have been met. i can truly say i can never be the same again. i've encountered the world, i've been happy, i've been hurt, i've been wanting and i've been questioning. i've had doubts and i've had delights so i would never trade it for anything else. but at the end of the day, there is more than this. i don't want to die being remembered as merely the person who went off the rails in uni and nothing more.
life is far beyond this perpetual party. it's about real life decisions, it's about being selfless and making a difference. it's beyond the glory days of university, it's beyond the hedonistic, risk-taking adoption of YOLO. it's about reaching out beyond your physical self and finding joy and life and love in an eternal way. it's about finding a way to not be so tired anymore.
love,
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Saturday, December 8, 2012
thought #256- how to love
dear you,
to be honest it's hard to wish you well when part of me wants to rip you into shreds and punch that beautiful face of yours for being so inconsiderate and selfish. it's hard to feign that your carelessness doesn't phase me. it's easier to cause controversy and rely on being upset, but what will that do? will that make you love me? will that conceal the wounded gaping part of my heart? or will that just make me look like a desperate, overly attached jilted secret admirer? but i guess in this circumstance and situation, i choose to be happy. i choose to be the bigger person. and i don't think that will happen overnight. i don't think it'll even come to pass the minute you leave. it will take an unknown amount of time but it will happen and eventually you'll be put on the mental shelf as another life lesson learnt the hard way.
as much as i hate admitting it, feelings were involved. mine anyway. as much as i wanted to be as detached and indifferent about you and everything revolving around you, it just couldn't be. you were my oblivious first. you had no choice in the matter. of course i was going to get attached. i wish i told you, then perhaps we would of never did what we did and acted the way we acted and subsequently i would of never been in this fucking place. but once again life lesson. technically you didn't/don't know and i'm not even your girlfriend so i have no right or authority to be upset. but how can you not? when someone you secretly could have given the world to with such ease, someone you barely know but want to know, someone who actually meant a great deal for not doing much, is entertaining another and not giving a shit about you. it really sucks being second best. the last resort, another option, the "been there done that".
i don't wish i was yours because i don't think you would of cared as much as i did. i don't want to be the one that loves the other more. i should of seen the signs, i should of tended to the signals but somehow my idiotic heart convinced me that you would come around. but you never did. i hope when i do get over you, i can truly see how repulsive and unfair you are right now. because right now all i see is you leaving and me never seeing you again. all i see is an unsatisfied lust that i need to get out of my system.
i hope one day, be it tomorrow, two weeks or twenty years later, you'll come to realise. i hope you regret dealing with this all the way you did. i know it is much to ask but i hope you remember me as the one who got away. and even if you forget about my existence and i fade into banality and we never meet again and you live a fabulous life (which i know you will), i hope you come to realise how immature you acted. i hope you see the way you broke my heart as a life lesson learnt the hard way.
wishing you well
love,
to be honest it's hard to wish you well when part of me wants to rip you into shreds and punch that beautiful face of yours for being so inconsiderate and selfish. it's hard to feign that your carelessness doesn't phase me. it's easier to cause controversy and rely on being upset, but what will that do? will that make you love me? will that conceal the wounded gaping part of my heart? or will that just make me look like a desperate, overly attached jilted secret admirer? but i guess in this circumstance and situation, i choose to be happy. i choose to be the bigger person. and i don't think that will happen overnight. i don't think it'll even come to pass the minute you leave. it will take an unknown amount of time but it will happen and eventually you'll be put on the mental shelf as another life lesson learnt the hard way.
as much as i hate admitting it, feelings were involved. mine anyway. as much as i wanted to be as detached and indifferent about you and everything revolving around you, it just couldn't be. you were my oblivious first. you had no choice in the matter. of course i was going to get attached. i wish i told you, then perhaps we would of never did what we did and acted the way we acted and subsequently i would of never been in this fucking place. but once again life lesson. technically you didn't/don't know and i'm not even your girlfriend so i have no right or authority to be upset. but how can you not? when someone you secretly could have given the world to with such ease, someone you barely know but want to know, someone who actually meant a great deal for not doing much, is entertaining another and not giving a shit about you. it really sucks being second best. the last resort, another option, the "been there done that".
i don't wish i was yours because i don't think you would of cared as much as i did. i don't want to be the one that loves the other more. i should of seen the signs, i should of tended to the signals but somehow my idiotic heart convinced me that you would come around. but you never did. i hope when i do get over you, i can truly see how repulsive and unfair you are right now. because right now all i see is you leaving and me never seeing you again. all i see is an unsatisfied lust that i need to get out of my system.
i hope one day, be it tomorrow, two weeks or twenty years later, you'll come to realise. i hope you regret dealing with this all the way you did. i know it is much to ask but i hope you remember me as the one who got away. and even if you forget about my existence and i fade into banality and we never meet again and you live a fabulous life (which i know you will), i hope you come to realise how immature you acted. i hope you see the way you broke my heart as a life lesson learnt the hard way.
wishing you well
love,
Thursday, December 6, 2012
thought #255- the last leg
and so my north gower days are almost over and another part of my london town adventures comes to a close. how is it possible for 3 months to feel like 3 days and how can i feel so attached to people i feel like i've just met? this whole semester has been such a rollercoaster ride of emotions and ethereal experiences. i am so glad i chose to end my undergraduate degree on the other side of the world, engaged in true, standard student life. the feeling is bittersweet, part of me wishes i still had more time to be young and careless, sleep-deprived, perpetually baked, intoxicated and constantly on heat. it has been such a surreal time here. the friendships i've established, the moments that tested us all, the petty arguments, the exposure of real people's characters, the infamous bathtimes and the family dinners. everything has been such a lesson learnt. london has truly opened my eyes to the vastness of the world. it's broadened physical and psychological perspectives and it's really motivated me to strive more for the future. i can't complain, this semester has surpassed all others.
as much as i look forward to the comforts of home, familiarity and reality, part of me doesn't want to say farewell to life here. change is such a double edged sword. it's a ridiculous tease, the moment you feel you're comfortable and complacent, than bam! change and life take each other by the hand and fuck around with your existence and emotions and forces you to adapt once again. i actually thought to myself, what if i never meet any of these people again? it's disheartening and i hope we don't just all fade away into banality, however, especially since i naturally reside in the southern hemisphere this could potentially be a reality. i hope that when we do meet again, we'll all be content, happy and be where we want to be at that exact moment of our lives. that we'll scream at having seen each other again, provide innumerable embraces and european kisses and compliment each other on how well we've aged. we'll talk about the present and future over a good feed and bottles of wine, but dedicate time to reminisce on these north gower days, laughing about the people we kissed, the hysterical fits, the late night maccas runs, the time we made brownies, passing out after a bottle of wine and the night we had to carry so and so to bed. hopefully we can look back, with more understanding and maturity and feel like that time had to be experienced in order to appreciate, value and accept the change of what we have now and what we will have one day.
love,
ps. going to miss this crazy bunch. so much love for them all x
as much as i look forward to the comforts of home, familiarity and reality, part of me doesn't want to say farewell to life here. change is such a double edged sword. it's a ridiculous tease, the moment you feel you're comfortable and complacent, than bam! change and life take each other by the hand and fuck around with your existence and emotions and forces you to adapt once again. i actually thought to myself, what if i never meet any of these people again? it's disheartening and i hope we don't just all fade away into banality, however, especially since i naturally reside in the southern hemisphere this could potentially be a reality. i hope that when we do meet again, we'll all be content, happy and be where we want to be at that exact moment of our lives. that we'll scream at having seen each other again, provide innumerable embraces and european kisses and compliment each other on how well we've aged. we'll talk about the present and future over a good feed and bottles of wine, but dedicate time to reminisce on these north gower days, laughing about the people we kissed, the hysterical fits, the late night maccas runs, the time we made brownies, passing out after a bottle of wine and the night we had to carry so and so to bed. hopefully we can look back, with more understanding and maturity and feel like that time had to be experienced in order to appreciate, value and accept the change of what we have now and what we will have one day.
love,
ps. going to miss this crazy bunch. so much love for them all x
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