thought #236- if only you knew

and in that moment, that very moment she looked back and her hair dramatically flicked in an instance of brunette glory and her shimmery red dress (she saved up for three weeks to buy) embraced her tiny delicate body, i thought god you're so beautiful. and it wasn't in the way the other boys in my class would think when a cute girl walked past in the hallway, wolf whistling and salivating until her ass disappeared around the corner. it was the way an artist stood back to admire his painting in a sort of reverent awe or the way a husband would feel watching his bride make her way from walking down an aisle into eternity.

it was unbelievable. she was unbelievable.

and she waved and blew me a kiss and yelled on the top of her lungs that she would call me tomorrow before holding hands with that bastard from the year above. and he winked my way as if to say "good night sucker, i'm going to be riding your woman all night." and the thought made me nauseous because tonight they would fuck. not make love, fuck. and i knew she deserved only love and everything else; the necking behind the school building on monday afternoons, the feeling up at the drive-in movies, losing your virginity at a weekend party was meaningless. ridiculous.

she was worth far more.

and all i could think about, as she hopped into the car and stuck her head out of the window screaming how much she loved me, was the time i took her to the secret garden behind my house after her mother died. and there we sat with a bottle of cheap wine, a few joints and a goodbye note and it was perfect. we cried and we wrote our farewells and we voiced our fears and we sealed our future with each other. she told me how much she loved me and valued me and could never imagine herself without me and i thought the same but so much more. more than she could comprehend or ever reciprocate. and all the feelings of loving you and protecting you and wanting you creeped into me, past my skin and into the very valves of my heart and burst into an amazing reaction of hormones, emotion, adoration and the supernatural.

but all i could do was kiss you on the forehead.

and so i waved and watched as she drove off, her body moving further and further away until she was merely a single dot in the distance and in that instance i realised that in essence, i meant as much to her as that single dot. i thought it didn't matter how many times she appeared at my front door in the middle of night with tears strolling down her face because another fucker took advantage of her. and it didn't matter how many times we would fall asleep in each other's arms. and it didn't matter how many holidays and birthday parties and family dinners and funerals that we would both attend. because she had only visited the secret garden once and never again since her mother passed away. that time we were almost in sync that my heart ached. that one time.

just a single dot in the distance.

and in that moment, that very moment as i faced the opposite direction and lit a cigarette i thought the same thought that haunted me for ten years. if only you knew. god, i would of died to have you.

if only you knew.

 love,

thought #235- same face, new name

as you may or may not have realised or recognised, this blog has a new name. i thought it apt to shake things up a bit and bid "croire" farewell and to welcome the non permanent arrival of this epithet.

lacuna |ləˈkjuːnə|
noun ( pl. -nae |-niː| or -nas )
an unfilled space or interval; a gap : the journal has filled a lacuna in Middle Eastern studies.
• a missing portion in a book or manuscript.
• Anatomy a cavity or depression, esp. in bone.

for those who don't know what lacuna means it basically means a gap, a pause, a bridge into the next. i thought that this name was considerably appropriate due to the fact that it this blog, my musings, the thoughts that run deep within my system and life itself is one huge gap into the next. just a fleeting moment before the greater life we are called to live. a simple breath into what lies ahead. so i guess life is the lacuna. each memory i recount and musing i ponder over in retrospect are somewhat trivial and profound pauses. i guess it makes more sense this way.

love,

thought #234- he, she

here you are again complaining about the way she doesn't get you. about the way everything was so easy until someone had to put a label on it. about how she rushed you into it, about how you weren't ready but simultaneously unprepared to let things be. here you are wishing that somehow you could rewind the time to when it was all but a delusional bliss. everything made sense, you say, back then. nothing was pressuring, nothing was serious. let's see how we go, you both agreed. but now, in retrospect, you think that it must have only been you present at that agreement. she's too clingy, too moody, too distant, too bitchy, too difficult, too stubborn, too selfish, too much (too human, perhaps?) for someone like you. here you are regretting the effort you spent to make her feel like she was the most important woman in the world. how uncomplicated things should still be, if only someone didn't utter those words "i love you" and the other feigned they didn't hear. here you are again trying to discover what it is that she really wants from you. trying to understand why having each other just isn't enough. that somehow, all the happiness you once felt and associated with her presence has now been snatched from you. this, you admit, was all a big mistake.

and here you are again complaining about the way he doesn't get you. about how he has suddenly become someone completely different from the person you initially fell for. about how everything was so meaningful back then. the way he went out of his way to make you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. from the most tiny and mundane to the most significant moments. he used to make the effort, you tell me. he rushed you into it, time didn't seem to be important and you were too smitten not to let things be as they were. here you are again, swollen eyes and trembling voice, wishing you weren't so pathetic. that your goodbyes really meant goodbye instead of allowing withdrawals to be an excuse to cave in.  but now, in retrospect, you think that you weren't the only pathetic one in the relationship. he's too overprotective, too jealous, too narrow minded, too suspicious, too right in everything, too indifferent, too much for someone like you. how could you have not seen this earlier? you ask. here you are regretting on giving away fragments of irreplaceable heart, giving too much away and becoming so vulnerable. suddenly you realise how foolish you were to think that he was the best you'll ever have. if only someone didn't utter those words "i love you" and the other feigned they didn't hear, then maybe. maybe you could of saved yourself from you.

love,

thought #233- the author

finally 2012 has arrived and i couldn't be more excited and slightly terrified at all the prospects that will be birthed, adventures that will be taken and memories that will be etched in our minds and maybe the contents of our hearts permanently. as to continue tradition, it would feel strange of me not to divulge the unfolding of our new years eve. most of it spent in a blur of rekordlig, cigarettes, bonfires, ben's bed,  backyard fireworks, Seinfeld reruns and power naps. it was as chilled and messy as i wanted my new years to be and i am more than thankful for having brought in the new year without my face in a toilet bowl. i guess some spliffs would of been icing on the cake but i'm not too picky haha. what did get me thinking that night was the lovely conversations with my gorgeous friend ben. i guess the whole moment we spent lying in bed like an old couple talking and napping made me suddenly miss the affection, the comfort, the familiarity of having someone by your side. it was strange because in the past, feelings associated with this quixotic notion usually ended up with me missing my former favourite boy or a past insignificant crush. however in that very moment and in retrospect, i didn't think about anyone in particular. i just wanted someone to hold... as cheesy and pathetic as that sounds haha it was no longer wanting a boyfriend minus the relationship or just a straight out relationship for that very matter. it was just the idea of having someone there. sure i miss the lunch dates and the butterflies and the late night phone calls and the doing nothing. but it just wasn't what i was looking for. it was the physical, human company. in all honesty i wish i could of just held bens hand there in the dark or held on to him that night, not out of romanticism or to hint a fuck. but, out of what they call platonic bed buddies, purely for the sake of knowing someone was beside me and that the single bed was not extending into an all encompassing gulf and that he would be there in the morning and that would be enough for me. i know it's strange feelings to articulate and i totally understand if you're reading this thinking... what the fuck is she on about? someone give the girl a penis now! haha but really it's not sex. it's the looming feeling of loneliness and the desire to want to fill the void. the peace of having someone there and being content and knowing that this is happiness. for now anyway.

love,

 ps. audrey hepburn feels me.