thought #191- the saddest thing

is not when strangers feign that they are friends, but when friends feign they are strangers. and not when one feels so much for another, but feels nothing at all. and not when we manifest lies but when we are fully aware of the truth and still choose to ignore it. and not when we see that there is so much to do, but when we see and do nothing at all.

the saddest thing is not when we forget but no longer care to remember. and not that we hate people and beliefs and things but that we are given the freewill to love and still choose against it. and not when people disappoint us but we disappoint ourselves first. and not when two people who no longer love each other fight for the rest of their lives but when they turn a deaf ear to the question "who are we fooling?"

but the most saddest thing is not the hate, hurt, pain and suffering that is around us but it is when we don't even see these things that we've personally done that is the most tragic. it's not the unknown that is frightening, it's knowing and doing nothing. it's being aware and still choosing the wrong way.

love,

ps. things to think about when we reach life's forks in the road... literally haha

thought #190- another february 14

in a perfect, selfish world (governed by my own forces), my valentine would be james franco wearing nothing but a fur coat. or francisco lachowsi wearing nothing. or a now single ryan reynolds or julian casablancas serenading "meet me in the bathroom". mere fantasies. perhaps in a realistic but yet to experience moment in the world, my valentine would be senstive and relentlessly romantic. he would buy me a single rose and cook dinner. we'd watch something like american psycho together. embrace each other with a bottle of wine and end the evening with strumming a guitar and humming along to the smiths.

as much as i don't like to admit it, but i'm still holding out for a cheesy valentines date with an equally pathetically disgustingly mushy valentine. perhaps its the innate, womanly yearnings within that cause me to feel this way. i've never been one to celebrate valentines day nor worry about whether i will be graced with a chivalrous deed that i am loved. i mean one day, i'd like to. but this year is a no go. another pass, another monday, another mediocre day within the month of february that will come and go. a fleeting trivial twenty four hours. until i meet my abominable sweetheart. my johnny flynn or jeff buckley reincarnate. i'll pass off the day and curse the usual commercial gimmicks and finish that Riesling in the fridge all on my own thank you very much.

love,

ps. ive also realised my pattern of singleness on vday. and usually before or after. curse?

thought #189- to do list

i want to expand, fill voids and pockets of my existence with aged wine, exotic cuisines and soulful music. i want to travel the world, three times over. once, simply to enjoy my freedom, to get lost on one's own accord. second, to appreciate the cities i fleetingly meet and third, to appreciate the person i am to appreciate these cities with. i want to find a person with the capacity to love me. in those glorious days of elation; road trips and thick bedsheets and picnics and conversation. as well as those moments of cold shoulder and make up free morning and misunderstandings. i want to write songs, stories, rants and rambles. ink the vein and vessel of life. i want people to read and not be in awe of me but of the subject, and the connection of mutual understanding shared simply by the fact that the author and reader, you and i, are both human. i want to dress to elucidate my mood. style, create, embody. i want to do less of nothing and more of something (unless nothing really means something with someone). i want to internally delete past feelings. blame, shame. forgive even when they are not sorry, move on and be hopeful. i want to do better in uni. fullstop. i want to stop fucking around. i want to visit little arcane eateries that beckon with their obscurity, interior design and brunch menu. i want to get talking with my Creator. sort out my differences and be at peace with my soul. i want to delve into the limitless horizon of sound, to appreciate the beauty of vocal cords and the marriage of human fingers and instruments. i want to grow a little older, and by that get a little younger. maturity and wisdom. i want to love my body. exercise, rid toxicity (when will i smoke my last cigarette?).  i want this year to be more than another year. i want to be a better person. happier. universally inclined. aware. i want to live. for reasons undisclosed. for reasons other than myself. 

love,

thought #188- and for the record

i'm not over you. but i try to because i see no point. and you may have moved on and we may go our seperate ways, engross ourselves in the quotidian routine we are now attached at the seams to, but the truth is i still care about you. i won't ever come between or become the sometimes girl or steal you away from her. never. but i will be the foolish martyr and ache internally and smile and rejoice at your triumphs as if i fought the battle on your behalf. i will still read letters, gaze at photographs and revive old memories, no matter how many times i delete, abandon or try to deny myself the tortured pleasure. because we both know it was my fault and for that i take the blame. but that doesn't alter the fact of why i still can't give myself away or why i feel this tiny splinter of jealousy and sadness at the back of my throat, or why i still smile fondly at good memories (irrespective if it was just a season) and think will i ever find another one like you?

love

thought #187- blood & bone

Day 14: A photo of one of your favourite family members

i have an innumerable number of fave family members in my clan. so many lovely aunts, uncles, cousins etc. obviously i would say my immediate family are my favourite but apart from them, my extended family, the ledesmas (especially bianca and lora), are one of my dearest and cherished relations. even though we're two cousins apart and quite extended as blood lines go, they have been so lovely in accommodating me whenever i visit the phils and truly make me feel as if im one of their own.

i especially adore how i get along so well with bianc and lora, how we find mutual interests in music, clothes, shows and life in general. i miss them terribly and can't wait to see the whole gang pia, zach, tita nene, tito dodge, lola lettie, kuya miki & francis, sean & pat and the list continues. hopefully i'll get to visit soon and relive old memories and make some new ones along the way.

love,