thought #186- groundhog day

recently i've found myself in a trance. an indifferent, ephemeral state of being in which i am almost there but not quite. i don't blame anyone; not even work and the busyness it has created and the rest i internally crave. it's just i feel somewhat stuck. it's peculiar actually. i go about my days working hard, eating, sleeping, listening to music, checking facebook, text messaging a friend and falling asleep only to repeat this quotidian routine and although i am not complaining i feel as i've reached my "groundhog day." this odd, nonchalant time in my life where i see everyone racing past me, changing, evolving, accepting, moving on, adapting and forwarding into the future and i feel as if i'm left on a hamster's treadmill aching for freedom.

so what is the remedy i ask myself? sure i could do with something new, something spontaneous, something more. or perhaps i just need to accept that everyone's accepted the fact that life goes on and get over everything that keeps me cemented to my current condition. i admit, i'm not one to get over things. important things i mean (none of this grudge bullshit). but its difficult and a process i am willing but hesitant, unsure, afraid to take.

i think back to january first and the optimism and expectation i bore for this year and although i feel like another crack in the pavement pushover i must say i still carry this hope. for more. for something to finally come into my life and resurrect that fun part in me.

it doesn't have to be in the form of a gorgeous white boy (though that would be lovely), it could simply be a holiday, getting in shape, giving up the cigs, a new hair colour, picking up a bible again or simply saying im sorry and i forgive you. i know its easier said than done but maybe. maybe with this attitude and effort we can get somewhere, rather than sitting, wishing, waiting for fuck all.

love,

thought #184- chicks before dicks.

Day 13: A photo of your best friend(s)

 

although i rarely get to see these two amazing people, madeleine astle & samantha nagle,  i still consider them my two best friends. i adore them immensely. i still manage to be able to heartspill at their presence regardless of the absence and distance. we may have new friends, we may be walking our own respective paths and living our different lives but irrespective of this, somehow at our reunions- be it coffee, dinner, drinks or a party- we return as we never left. still being able to share secrets, laugh at our adventures and remain a call or email away. that is the very definition of best friends. these two crazy bitches haha. bless them.

love,

thought #183- i'm in lesbians with you

i've only ever said " i love you" to a guy once (this is not including the platonic hearts and xx's you conclude text message/emails with). and i didn't even mean it. actually it wasn't that i didn't mean it, i was just unsure of what i meant when i said "i love you". or perhaps i just didn't know what "i love you" really meant. or maybe it was too quick to say, to early to tell. my brain still attempts to conjure such questions to give some justification as to why i said it and why it still haunts my thoughts far more frequently than expected.

they say everything changes as soon you say those three words. it can be a kiss of death or an all expenses paid trip to vegas. but nothing really did change after that. the i love yous just became more frequent and abundant. i guess it is only in the aftermath (where the greatest of lessons are learnt) that i realise it really did change things. it's only in the silence that you truly understand how much it, him and whatever you had possessed together really meant for you.

i remember thinking that i wish i hadn't said those words whilst still in a period of uncertainty. i knew it would block my train of thought in the future like a clog to the artery but i said what i thought was. the point isn't if i still feel the same, or if i regret anything that did or did not happen between us, nor does it have anything to do with whether it is mutual or can ever happen again in the future. i've learnt to be careful in who to say it to and being somewhat sure of what is being spoken. i just ask myself, in retrospect, if i really meant my "i love you." i don't think i'll ever really know until i've experienced this in its totality. however, judging from the fact that i can't seem to stop thinking about what i said, regretting nothing that happened and still not being able to say i love you again to another makes me wonder that maybe what i was on about was true after all. maybe i really did after all.

love,

ps. note to self: next time use sign language