thought #182- rewind, fast forward

2010 was:

to say the least an eventful year. moments, memories that encapsulate and epitomize what 2010 has been can only be associated with change and firsts. i have learn't much, changed much, experienced much and lived much this year. it has sort of become a catalyst in life as if everything in existence as merely placid cruising until this year. i giggle and cringe at the thought of everything that has occurred in this year. the midnight kiss, the messy nights, queensland, the heartaches, the euphorias, the decisions, the letting go and moving on, university, turning eighteen, the vices, hospital, brunches and lunches, meeting new friends and missing the old, writing articles, getting a job and the dwindling faith you feel perpetually convicted by. i've had such an amazing, frustrating, confusing, joyous and blessed year.

2011 will be:

and i say aloud with much hope, even better than the last. what i love is knowing that though 2010 has brought much change and firsts, it has still left 2011 a chance to catch up. there are still so many things to do, people to love, places to go, convictions to attend and a bigger, much more delightful life to live. i enter 2011 with much hope and optimism. who knows, perhaps this is the year to find the boy, finally get my Ps, get inked, quit smoking, get a hd, reacquaint myself with dear friends and make new ones along the way, reinvent my wardrobe and redecorate my room, start fresh with people i still want in life but momentarily took for granted, love my parents more, travel overseas, refrain from alcohol poisoning, learn how to cook, do more live gigs, experiment and expand. i can only hope and pray for a favorable and blessed year ahead.

ps. oh the irony, happy new years lovelies. hope you're partying hard or in my case heartspilling at 1: 24am :)

thought #181- merry christmas!

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
heart over head

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i don't think i made any for this year. i think i'll repeat this for 2011 as well.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
my darling jem

4. Did anyone close to you die?
a relative

5. What countries did you visit?
none, how depressing

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
wisdom

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

april seventeen

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
getting a job and surviving my first year of uni

9. What was your biggest failure?
letting go of people i shouldn't have and falling for strangers

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
nothing more than the odd cold and cough

11. What was the best thing you bought?
john mayer and the strokes tickets

12. Who was your favorite person to be with this year?


gerry

13. Who was your least favorite person this year?
haha


14. Where did most of your money go?
food, christmas presents and cigarettes

15. What are you really excited about?
2011

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
hey soul sister- train

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

Happier?
yes and no

Thinner or fatter?
fatter i reckon

richer or poorer?
poorer but for the best

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
more of Him, less of me


19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
more of me, less of Him

20. Did you fall in love in 2010?
everything but love

21. How many one-night stands?
haha

22. What was your favourite TV program?
modern family

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
no, miss yes.

24. What was the best book you read?
the picture of dorian gray- oscar wilde

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
many actually.

26. What did you want and get?
a job and i got it.

27. What was your favourite film of this year?
toy story 3

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
finally turned 18, had a lovely dinner and night out with the people i love.

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
a boy and HD.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
bipolar

31. What kept you sane?
favourites

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
alexa chung, michael cera and julian casablancas

33. Who did you miss the most in 2010?
sam and maddie

34. Who was the best new person you met?
sg girls

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
guard your heart, be wise and just because it feels right or you want it doesn't necessarily mean it's for the best.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"everything is full of life."

thought #180- shake it like a polaroid picture

Day 12: A photo of you

the most recent luvo. i salvaged this beautiful pleated silk bottle green blouse grandma was about to dispose. considering wearing it for chrissie hmm.

ps. can't believe christmas is so soon. so is new years!

love

thought #179- movies are not a representation of life

Day 11: A photo of your favourite film(s)

to be honest my list is almost endless. but to save us all time i'll cut it down to my top 5.

1. spirited away/howl's moving castle. these two miyazaki masterpieces are tied in my adoration for them. these are flicks i could honestly watch over and over and over again.

2. fight club. i adore this film! everything from the extreme violence, ridiculous echoes of nihilism and anarchy to brad pitt half naked in a brawl. a definite fav.

3. amelie i mean what's not to love about this film? everything from the french language, quirky little outbursts of trivial yet meaningful information, a cute love story. je t'aime amelie!

4. sixteen candles. i am a sucker for 80's and 90's teen movies. everything from the breakfast club, st. elmo's fire, pretty in pink to 10 things i hate about you, she's all that, the rules of attraction etc etc. love them all. sixteen candles is just one that hits the spot each and everytime. plus the leading guy is cute and plus it's a joy to hear molly ringwald scream "it's my fucking birthday!" haha

5. the virgin suicides. i'm also a fan of quirky offbeat movies that involve a narrator. yes it's depressing and creepy but i really love sofia coppola and she truly doesnt disappoint with this one.

love

thought# 178- fact or fiction

dear ______,

i don't mind if we're not ourselves. if you're no longer the person i fell in love with. because honestly i'm no longer the person you fell in love with too. i don't mind pretending as if we're back to the beginning. i don't mind sitting perpetually over a full pot of tea and a blanket of cigarette smoke, reacquainting ourselves. meeting like it was the first time- slightly nervous; you fidgeting, myself giggling. our heart chambers guarded, our minds conscious and aware- starring not at a lover but figuring out a human being. i don't miss you because you is no longer who you are now. i would rather meet you again and give myself a chance to miss you. not a fragment of your past identity, a walking epitome i inked in my skull. let me sever the notions of a mr right. an absurd standard no mortal can ever reach, then maybe we can talk again.

i no longer expect nothing. i don't want to mould a perception of what we are to become. because assumptions hurt. and i've tread on water for this long to voluntarily shoot myself in the stomach and give it all up. there's no such thing as what ifs anymore. i only think of now and the next. i am willing to apologise. i've mourned the death of what we had.

this doesn't mean i want to love you again, nor does it mean i don't want too either. i just wanted to let you know that it's time we've moved on. let go and remove ourselves (actually myself) from this subconscious fixation i've placed myself in for awhile now. life is to precious and fleeting to merely sit in one spot and wait until maybe where we once envisioned ourselves to be together to occur. maybe is superfluous. i just want to get to know you. that's it. and if the feeling is not mutual, then i'll know i've lost something quite precious in life. a tragedy that i will associate an "oh well..." to in public but never really get over.

love,

thought #177- from the tongue of infants and babes

Day 10: A photo of you as a baby

i actually don't have a baby photo saved to this computer so i'm going to show you a photo of yours truly as an infant. close enough.

i believe i was five in this. sporting my fav personalised sailor hat from disney land and rocking the double denim. i still look the same haha

love,

thought #176- whenever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life

i have a confession. i love michael buble's "i just haven't met you yet." i really do, especially the video clip. everything from the cheesy choreography inside of a grocery, the notion of the love of your life in disguise as a stranger, the idealistic, whimsical feeling of love to his end realisation that it was all just a fucking daydream. it really gets to me, the inner sappy shit that i attempt to murder each and every day. but i like to think this wait, this absence of affection, this long listless routine of morning, noon and night and nothing really in between is just preparing my spirit for something much bigger to blow me away.

it's true. it's when you least expect, it's who you least expect that create happiness and a closer glimpse of completion in life. it may not be recreated as perfectly as buble's film clip, or how our dreams of meeting a prince charming in a heroic/ he-rescued-me-from-stupidity kind of way. but it will come. perhaps he was a person you initially hated. perhaps it will be the man you sit adjacent going home on the bus with. perhaps it's that stranger you see ordering the same toffee nut latte at your local coffee shop. perhaps its a mutual friend at a drunken christmas party. maybe it's your childhood best friend. maybe, maybe, maybe. it could be anyone.

i think that's what's so exciting and terrifying about the future. so be careful, cautious, love with an wide heart and even wider eyes. treat everyone with respect, be wise and remain hopeful. sometimes, whilst stuck in this conundrum of endless, perpetual waiting, you forget that maybe its you that the Creator is internally and subconsciously moulding and preparing for that one person you're holding out for too. i think we fail to realise that relationships are two sided, that waiting for the right one is just as much as their feelings as is yours.

so as i write, feeling like im in a 100 year draught and that i've been cursed to never lavishly pour my adoration to any male, i remind myself that even if i think i am ready. maybe he isn't. maybe i'm not either. and when that time, be it tomorrow, in two weeks or seven years, arrives it'll be just as magical as dancing in a supermarket aisle with the attendants, figuratively speaking of course.

love,

ps. you better watch it now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA

thought #175- expectations and reality

i recall writing a post earlier on in the year regarding disappointment and expectations. the notion appears to have surfaced once again in my train of thought. the heart aching distance, and gap between what we hope and what really happens. that little bitch, reality. sometimes in life we are fortunate to experience expectations and reality align. we see what we hope for pleasantly blossom into what is presently in front of our hands and the feeling is beyond amazing. sadly, this is not always the case and more frequently (than not) do we find ourselves disappointed by what we pray, wish and finger cross never really going according to our plan or premeditated ideas.

i currently find myself in this pickle, at this present moment in life. not that i have filled myself with unbelievable amounts of expectations. i've actually come to this point in life where i no longer expect anything. i mean i do have hopes and goals and such but in terms of potential loves and the similar, i've adopted the "go with the flow" approach. so far it's been good. apart from the fluctuating periods of utter boredom and restlessness, i find a sense of peace resting placidly over my little ticker.

but i guess circumstances, trivial meetings and routine thoughts have caused a little mess in my once structured approach to relationships. suddenly i find that my subconscious expectations about certain things have been thrown left of centre and i suddenly find myself feeling disappointed. foreign, i know. its as if i thought seeing him again would create this whirlwind of affection to just bloat out of both our chests and that i'd realise i was foolish to ever end anything that we once previously had. but that wasn't the case. and though i'm glad things aren't awkward. i'm also stunted by the triviality, the indifference, the lack of familiarity between us. i mean i wasnt expecting a lust at first sight. but maybe something more than what i'm feeling now. it feels as if in reality our encounter made no difference when in expectation it should have shook or stirred something....

ok now im babbling and heart spilling way too much for my liking. maybe im just overanalysing. maybe this is a sign for me to stop chasing after expectations and start living in reality. whatever happens i just hope things are evolving this way for the better. i might not understand now but i will in time. it after all isn't about me anyway.

love,

ps. exactly.