thought #150- why?

Day 27 - Why are you doing this 30 day challenge

I was bored.
Think of how many beautiful and disastrous fruits came because of this very reason.

thought #149- friends first, lovers second.

Day 26 - What you think about your friends

to be honest i have a heirachy when it comes to friendship. first there are the acquaintances; the people you stick to cheap conversation with, make brief appearances at mutual celebrations, almost strangers almost friends, people you'd sit next to on the bus ride home sort of companions. then there are friends; people you see on a often, folks you would be comfortable to have lunch or see a movie with but would find it odd if they suddenly called you on a daily basis. then there are the close friends; segregated in a special circle. subconsciously divided between the friends you would merely say hello to. these are the friends you would road trip, have a few drinks at a club with, sleepover with. then there are the best friends. the favourites, the privileged few that know the inner sanctum of who you are. the only people to have touched your heart that an imprint was left. these are the people you have tested to be true and loyal regardless of the season, an arguement or distance. these people will disappoint you, hurt you, not always be altogether but regardless love you and appreciate you for who you are. these are the people who you see you at your worst and best and still call you friend. i think friendship is dangerous, an instrument of utter pleasure and simultaneously of destruction. but without friends, life is paltry. we weren't meant to do this confusing sojourn called life on our own.

love,

thought #148- heart spill

apart from the fact that i'm feeling absolutely horrible, via the overrate spring weather, tonight has caused me to feel slightly weird. it's kind of embarrassing to admit but i suddenly feel wounded. it feels like life as we speak has been very plateau lately. boring and uneventful, stuck between the quotidian routines of sleep, eat, uni and exist. i have entered into this comfortable familiar twilight zone where nothing appears to phase me, where the meaning of my life is buried underneath priorities of study and success. even the carnal vices of the flesh have been trampled on by this consistent monotonous wave of nothingness. usually i'm fine, even rejoicing at the absence of drama and the rollercoaster moments of life. but tonight, i've been bitten internally.

the first came from my uni friend who commented in a non-offensive respective manner that i didn't appear as the church going type. now normally this doesn't phase me, and i acknowledge that my relationship with God has been very frayed and difficult this year, but the truth of his statement came as a slap to my face. i mean as much as ive strayed away from abiding the exact righteous life we are called to have, as much as i haven't in all honesty been salt and light, as much as the reality is that i'm a lukewarm, disgraceful person, the fact that someone picked it up too just made me feel sick to the stomach. i thought then what do i look like? do i appear as another mediocre individual consuming the worthless, empty offerings of the world i was supposed to help and not become of. can i honestly look at myself, my behaviour, my thoughts and be proud of who i am today?

the answer makes me want to cry. because i know what i am becoming and part of me is selfish and hedonistic. part of me is battling for redemption. part of me wants to be good. part of me wants to follow. not because i want to appear as someone content with life. because i know the truth. i know how much life is better on the other side. but i struggle. its so difficult to give up things that my heart desires but my spirit rebukes. i am so torn.

second, my close friend observed the diminishing feelings of former favourite boy for me. just like my relationship with God, i wasn't expecting him to feel the same as it was before. but hearing the reality, the possibility that he is truly over me is heartbreaking. i feel so hypocritical but the fact that i'm hurt about this trivial piece of detail makes me question if i'm truly over it. the fact that the "ifs" regarding him still linger is terrifying and i find myself in a place of loneliness and ever growing questions. uncertainty is a bitch.

now for one, im not attempting to overanalyse nor worry. i just think im being convicted to rethink life again. to remind myself why i'm here an who i'm here for. i've finally gotten tired of being tired. sick of being lazy. i want to do something. but its hard. i know its going to be a slow, grueling process. i don't even know how to start or where to begin. i just know i have a lot of thinking and altering. i can only pray that i don't crash and burn because the thought already cuts me into two.

love,

thought # 147- Johnny's Cafe

Who: Johnny's Cafe

Where: 4/2 Horwood Pl, Parramatta

When: Monday (Open M-F 6:00am- 5:00pm, Sat 7:30am- 1pm).

What: Chicken Schnitzel Club Toasted Wholemeal Sandwich with Bacon, Avacado, Lettuce, Mayo and Cheese ($6.80)

How good: 2/5

To be honest, I'm not very familiar with Parramatta dining. It's one of those places where I'm present to eat dinner on a loved one's special day but as far as cafes are concerned I am absolutely ignorant. My  usual lonely cafe hopping day was pleasantly altered with the accompaniment of my two good friends Joseph and Jason. After watching Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (which I must add was remarkable and everyone should go see it), we were all quite starving and our inital plan to visit Mars Hill Cafe was sadly pulverised due to its closure on Monday mornings. We experienced another blow with the infamous nasi goreng joint also being closed, so being third time lucky we noticed Johnny's cafe, a cozy little place with locals enjoying a meal and coffee, and out of a famished condition, sore legs and its semi-quiet atmosphere we settled to order. Upon inspecting the little cafe, I noticed it had an element of familiarity with not only the locals but perhaps the friendly wooden sign etched at the side of the place. Since it was a beautiful day, the three of us decided to sit outside. Aesthetically, the cafe isn't spectacularly decorated but it does have that cafe look about it. After ordering our meals (the two boys ordered burgers), we engaged in much chit chat before our lunch soon appeared. Tucking into the three slice toastie, I immediately noticed a missing flavour. Perhaps the sandwich needed a sauce more stronger than mayo, maybe it needed tomatoes, whatever it was there was a slightly disappointing lack to my meal. The sandwich itself wasn't too bad, the schnitzel was good and not just some 3/4 fat 1/4 meat pattie. The vegies were fresh, the bread toasted well, but the cheese was definitely a downsider with an absence of melt. Nevertheless the quick service was a plus, the prices affordable and the friendly staff were tip-worthy. I guess it was nothing special, but was a decent enough feed. It wouldn't be a highly recommend for me personally, but with the rest of the cafes closed, I guess their loss is Johnny's gain. 

Love,

Abi

ps. Highly recommend a hot and cold at san churros! one of the best hot choccies I've ever had. Lust worthy!