thought #48 if only the world was more patient

then perhaps it would be an irrefutably better place. perhaps we would have people at the supermarket queues with their arms outstretched politely remarking "after you." or the extinction of speeding tickets, or the decrease of suicidal rates because people are patient enough to not play God and just wait to die in the correct and ordained time haha. (n.b. anyone in retail can concur that if only more people were patient, then stress levels and aggravated manslaughter rates would dramatically drop HAHA).

actually, the real reason behind this thought originates from my house alarm, which has not stopped beeping all day. obviously something is broken but my parents being the asian optimists that they are, believe it will eventually go away. they have been incorrect so far. the only reason why this damned electronic is annoying is because it is located the nearest to my bedroom and thus beeps like a bitch all day and will so all night *sigh*.

so anyway... patience is one of the most amazing virtues to possess, yet is also the most difficult to acquire. personally i am the most impatient being in this universe (arguably). i can be many things of the positive, but being patient just doesn't adhere to any bone in my body. this can be seen in the patterns of behaviour i exude.   for example, i know an item will go on sale, eventually, yet have an impulse to buy it at retail price, regardless if it costs the earth. for example, i know i will eventually get told something, but persist in finding ways and methods of manipulation (in matty's case, i fail miserably but still haha). for example, queues for me are like torture chambers. especially when all you want is one item and there are about 9275259 million other beings in front with double the amount of items.

it's amusing to know that "be more patient" or "be less impatient" always appears on my things to do/new years resolutions list every year. but what i've come to ultimately realise is that it takes patience to become patient. it requires stretching and bending and a behavioural alteration to anything synonymous with time and waiting. through many encounters in life, the best moments and decisions have been made because i chose to wait. because i extended myself just a little longer than i thought i could. it has been worth it. so as 2010 continues, as things to do, people to meet and days to age approaches us i think of only one thing. to be patient. hopefully, by the time 2011 comes around i don't need to put "be more patient" on the list, because it's already been achieved :)

love,

p.s. somedays i wish i could learn patience by being stuck in a car with people i dont like haha. 

thought # 47 *insert awkward silence*

today, whilst flicking through my sacred moleskine, i realised how awkward the word "awkward" was. perhaps its the placement of "w's" or the way it can be articulated in an american (awwwk-werrrd), british (awe-k-were-d) or filipino (owww-k-waaard) accent haha.


anyway, i must say i am fond of awkwardness. i love boys who are subconsciously awkward, those who fumble with their pens and drop things on the floor, those who stutter in conversation and use big words not out of conceit but simply because its within their vocabulary, those who smile and turn away at the mere thought of sharing a mutual awkward silence with someone they adore, those who embrace awkward silences and literally liquidise by the very perfect moment they are in. those who laugh at their awkwardness and cherish others. those are the kind of awkward encounters i like. yes there are awkwards that make you feel uncomfortable, that make you desperate with feeble attempts at alibis to remove you from the situation. and the worst of them all are the boys who try to be awkward because they know girls dig it.


you're either awkward or you're not. you're either michael cera cute, nerdy, hesitant but brilliant. or you're another dick who wears glasses even though he doesnt need them and sleazily tries to pick you up with "I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock." HAHA so i dont know about you, but awkwardness isn't all too bad. socially-awkward people are usually the most amazingly, intriguing and sweet people you will meet. now to find my "awkward silence" boy... or perhaps he already exists in my world and i am just yet to realise his presence? *insert awkward silence* :)


love,

ps. this made me laugh uncontrollably haha. 

thought # 48- no mind, never matter

if i have learnt anything over the years regarding the heart, it would have to be never, never, never overanalyse. it's a bitch; its a habit that often extends its wretched arms to other parts of your life to the point where you find yourself staring at inanimate objects such as a water bottle and overanalysing the condensation of its insides and every curve and dent of its plastic figure. it's simply not healthy haha.

but in all seriousness, there is a difference between analysing and overanalysing. just as there is a difference between foolishness and wisdom. in every part of life it is necessary to pause and as i reiterated in thought #47 be silent, and analyse life. understand where you are going, who you are, what you live for, why the things that matter most to you matter and such. its not abnormal to be profound once in awhile haha. but then draws a thin line between analysing and overanalysing. when as ben kweller once sang in panamanian girl  "im jealous of the things that aren't even there." becomes a nasty truth then you may have a problem. no one likes an overanalyser. because once you become an overanalyser you end up adopting traits of jealousy, clingyness, trust issues, paranoia, schizophrenia and the list potentially perpetuates.

i recall, in my naive and ignorant days of 13years+, thinking that everything a guy said or did had to be deciphered. and i mean this is true but i would spend days agonising, without sleep,  and in the company of other naive and ignorant females wondering what "i like you" really meant or "i don't like you" really translated to. as ive grown older (and very arguably wiser haha) i've come to this point where i like you means i like you and i dont like you simply means i don't. i have given up the embarrassing sleepless overthinking and have come to understand that its better to ask if you don't truly comprehend and leave it as it is. i'm not saying don't ask questions and i'm certainly not saying to stop thinking. but sometimes your mind is better left to exercise over the more important issues of life.

so i guess next time if he/she says "i like you" embrace it, don't rip it apart, don't analyse syllabically, just accept it simply for what it is.

love,

p.s. i dont know why i love this photo, i know its morbid haha.
try overanalysing this? haha

thought #47- silence and midas

this entry may not make any proper sense other than to one particular person. so if you conclude in utter confusion, i apologise but thank you regardless for persisting in reading haha. so i begin this morning in a silent state. the usual morning wake up call, msn message, facebook comment, skype chat etc. has been severed momentarily. the feeling was eerie. as if something wasn't right. but then i muse on the bigger picture. the whole reason for the two week invisibility between us both. and even if i am starting day one pathetically by thinking about you (i promise this entry will never be repeated again haha) i am hopeful that the outcome of this all will be a realisation and deeper grasp into who we are and who we are to each other.

which leads me to my second thought- silence. the hackneyed quote "silence is golden" can always be seen in both a negative and positive light. i like to see it through the latter. i don't mean silence as in the cold shoulder treatment, which leaves both parties feeling guilty for non-existent crimes and pieces of shit imprinted on the back of poor shoes. i mean silence as in rest, prodigious space, quiet, peace. silence is an amazing concept. imagine if we didn't know the meaning of silence, if it were a foreign unidentified thing. then i guess we would never come to truly appreciate noise. hence why silence in life is precious. silence allows us to appreciate the busyness, relationships we have and the terrifically loud cosmos which we live in.

so today, tomorrow or maybe soon be still. be silent and in that silence will birth the greatest understanding of why you are you and who matters the most in your private world :)

love,

p.s. gotta love these guys haha. we all need hush in life haha.

thought #46- years don't die. they just grow up.

as my lovely friend annelise holwerda once wrote on my facebook, i can wholeheartedly agree with this statement as 2010 begins to blossom and change, change and more change moulds my world. it feels my days are likened to clay at the potter's wheel. cheesy, hallmark-like simile but it does feel that so much has altered and is altering and being examined, analysed, discarded and refined. it's almost scary, being in such a vulnerable position but i guess this year is the perfect time to do so. the time where you are no longer a child and where the future is much more closer than you once intended it. where independence is at your grasp and where big decisions surpass which party to go to on the weekend and whether to do that math homework or not (how i miss the simplicity of secondary schooling haha).

suddenly you are faced with life. frightening haha. well i guess all this profound talk was spurred by todays happenings in which i enrolled at uts straight after work with kuan. it was a brilliant day amidst confusing timetable selections, the awkward weather and even awkward train ride with an old man rocking back and forth behind us. we encountered strangers (random abc radio lady questioning my opinions regarding virginity and tony abbott haha) and friends (e.g. eugene the random) and whoever is defined by the status in between.  after being dropped off by kuan, i returned home tired but fighting the desire to nap seeing as it is powerhouse soon and i am adamant to battle laziness and attend. my day concludes here and so i return to the glories of technology, pondering about the subject which has been in my mind for the past week or so now- past, present, future.

love,

ps. cute picture, and yes i know it has no relevance to the entry haha.
pps. this reminded me of playing super mario on matty's iphone! i miss you, new unexpected friend haha.

thought #45- expected strangers and unexpected friends

in life you meet people; strangers. another nameless grimace in another crowd in another city in another country in this entire cosmos. another palpitating heart walking to the quotidian beat of their repetitive, mediocre existence. another soul, another system of organs with another list of dreams to conquer and shit to forget. another metaphorical clock, which ticks, the hands passing the numbers by which your age represents, until your time is up. another one of you.

but sometimes, and not often nor assured or inevitable, you meet people; who evolve from being mere strangers. who no longer become a blur in the ephemeral and busy nature of our lives. whose name is attached to a face sprinkled with familiarity and features (freckles, one eye green the other blue, a crooked nose). whose smile you recognise as having the responsibility for your internal explosions. who, out of serendipity or fate (never just by chance), knows exactly how you feel with no need for verbal confirmation or one’s physical presence. who has common dreams to conquer and shit to forget, but also stark contrasts, which spark mutual interest each and every time.

sometimes in life you meet another one of you and suddenly that feeling of just a statistic, number, another name and another farrago of flesh and bones is dispelled by the fact that you’ve met someone like (but not is) you. so once you meet that someone that once a stranger, now a friend- don’t ever let them go. why would you ever return to just “another?” 

love,

ps. because life sometimes feels like where's wally? haha

thought #44- moving furniture

is a messy, cluttered business as i can view from the condition of the top level of our house haha my parents' fantastic idea to rip the carpet of all main bedrooms and replace this with timber flooring has left much clutter, half assembled beds, shelves in random nooks and so on. this physical rearranging can be attributed to the internal changes that i have decided and am deciding to implement as prompted by the events of last week.

it feels like there is much moving and discarding and ripping apart and replacing to do in life after much thought and conviction. and although it is painful and stressful and internally unwanted i must look beyond my current selfishness and understand that there will come a time i can look back and truly appreciate the efforts of looking at the symbolic pieces of furniture in my life in a different light haha.

and so begins my recounting. to be honest, my head is still half exploding and half processing at all that occurred in my brisbane adventures but i must say it was amazing. i was sad to leave, wishing that one week extended for longer. there were so many things learnt, so many new friendships sparked and so many questions left to answer. as sappy as this may sound, it was really life altering. it made me suddenly think about what i believe, why i believe it, who i am and what the hell am i doing with this life i've been graciously given? i remember thinking at times "fuck... where exactly am i going?" but i think its crucial. vital to question yourself and have people question your beliefs, because it is only in this pressure and removal of comfort that we are stretched (or tented) to remind ourselves the fundamental source of why we exist. it was also great to have other people who shared your common belief question or voice their own different opinion regarding areas such as creation and the coming. it was a precious experience.

and so what's next? after all the amazing times, the city shopping splurges, the excessive amount of caffeine and absence of sleep and lecture after lecture after lecture? we are left to translate and seek to realign our lives to the truth (not that relative truth bullshit... sorry postmodernists haha). as i commented earlier its painful, i can feel the effect already. as much as i dont want to hurt anyone decisions must be made not just for my sake but for the sake of the other souls that i've included in my life. right now im in no place of victory. i wish i could tell you that last week made me "pumped and alive for jesus and wanting to change the world etc etc" and although that urgency is present its made me realise the hypocritical nature of my life and the need to move furniture for the sake of my future.

haha deep i know. sorry if i babbled on and you're thinking "what is she on about?" haha. but yeah last week was brilliant... i miss the gorgeous locals and sunny weather already. compass 2011 please? haha.