thought #84- you're the tyrant and i am the fool

i don't believe i've made a list in awhile. i do miss them. i was contemplating about what list i could possibly entertain you (but moreso myself with) and after much deliberation regarding the circumstances of life as we speak, i thought this list is so ridiculous, hilarious, blunt and convicting but so damn true haha. so here it goes:

the 11 part vicious cycle of things we shouldn't do yet still do again, and again and again. 
by abigail cruz.

1. hypocrisy. verbally declaring your disapproval of hooking up all night at parties only to find yourself doing the exact same thing. oh the irony. solution? stick a plank in your eye. 
2. binging. it makes you want to throw up and never eat for a month, yet we find ourselves hiking the infinite mountain of chocolate, lollies, processed delicacies. and in that moment of self-realisation and shame, all you can really do is pulverise your weighing scales and curse your self control, i guess haha. solution? learn self control!
3. impulsive shopping. i dont mean small, addictive little purchases. i mean splurging your life savings on something as trivial as a bag (guilty) or jewellery or that new phone, heels etc. what's more worse than sleeping under a blanket of bills? regret and knowing that it'll be obsolete in a few seasons time haha. solutions? get someone to hide your credit card or force an allowance upon you.
4. addictions. whether its cigarettes, crack, alcohol, 5 gum or all of the above, we often find ourselves unphased by the fact that we're hacking ourselves internally everyday by doing it. sigh haha. solution? mental and physical rehab haha
5. stalking. yes, im guilty i admit. we find ourselves vicariously living through strangers we see sitting adjacent to us on the bus, fleetingly through the car window while driving on the highway or even at university. its one of those weird, creepy pleasures in life ha. solution? meet real people, the normal way. if all else fails buy a dummy and call her bianca. 
6. swearing. i am so so guilty of this. i know, profanities are horrible and especially to label someone by a profanity (of which i am against) and sore to the ears yet we find it slip our tounges ever so often. solution? sticky tape mouth. 
7. competition. i know its innately human to want to compare and compete and be the best. but for fucks sake, i think we should all just be content from time to time. i mean there is healthy competition then there are the ones that blow it out of proportion and chuck shits over not having the best hair, clothes, muscles, house, car and you name it. solution? give everything up and live in  a developing country slum for a year.
8. superficiality. i think this is somewhat correlated to every point mentioned before, but really we mock the trivial people in our world yet find ourselves starring in the mirror at the same time. its ridiculous and kills a little inside to hear but so true. solution? think. read a book, write about what you see, anything that doesnt have to do with you and being something better than the univserse. 
9. lying. OMG. i may be a culprit and repeat offender but lying, especially when you know you'll be found out or lying to the face of someone you love and trust is just unforgivable. i mean its so low and selfish. but there is veracity in james morrison ft. nelly furtardo's song broken strings "truth hurts, but lies worse." solution? how would you feel if no one was honest with you? yes you'd be screwed over. keep that in mind.
10. temptation. we all know our limits yet always try to bend, manipulate or even snap them altogether. we're one to promise abstinence yet let your bf sleep over, or im not going to eat that 934057075 calorie cake yet stand by the bakery/shop door. or i'm not going to drink yet party at a pub. things like that. solution? remove yourself from risky situations, really it saves lives just like jesus.
11. falling for people. when you know you shouldn't because they're either: absolute bitches/ dicks and both you and the entire cosmos know you deserve better than that, taken, flirting around yet taken, players, they take, take, take and never give, call you when they're lonely and become strangers when they're not, those type with extra luggage and the list perpetuates. basically people you shouldn't fall in love with. but of course the mind is usually defeated in this case and even after being shred into pieces whilst promising never to carelessly give ones heart away, you find yourself repeating this motion after a trivial encounter and not even a span of seconds before the last. solution? wait. wait and pray. wait and pray and visit the library/park/coffee shop you go to everyday. he's bound to show up. 

love,

ps. irrelevant but i love van gogh. i know how people think its creepy and screwed that he cut his ear and all, but i think thats why i like him better haha.

thought# 79- the end has no end

don't you ever feel like things in love (and most definitely lust ha!) are a mere vicious cycle of friends, strangers, lovers? don't you just loathe thinking i've finally gotten over him or things no longer affect me and then suddenly something will distract and obstruct and position you into that crumbling wreck you were before? sometimes its for a horrible taunt. sometimes its merely to tease you towards the reality that you may have carelessly thrown away something priceless in your life for the ephemeral pleasures of youth, impulsiveness and selfishly experiencing the world. in some cases it is also a wake up call, to remind oneself of the pathetic path of destruction they are following.

i guess this concept came to me suddenly when i saw former favourite boy last evening. although i was happy to see his lovely self once again it dawned upon me that although we have been removed from the awkward, frustrating phase of being strangers and finally back on the sojourn as friends i knew that even if i wanted to be lovers again (im not saying anything more. i know im the queen of subtlety but i shall leave it at this haha) that it would no longer rest on my own failing whims and foolish desires. that it would all settle upon the shoulders of time and co-operation. i guess it also made me cherish, realise things i did not for awhile especially nearing the conclusion of 2009.

so where will the cycle end? i am yet to find out. i just know that in life it is necessary for things to cease. like being immature, or that packet a day habit, or gorging to replace your failed romantic fantasies haha sometimes its better to not even muse over such matters. im just hoping that when the cycle ends, it'll halt at where i was hoping it would.

love,

ps. EFF STORY OF MY LIFE! haha

thought # 48- no mind, never matter

if i have learnt anything over the years regarding the heart, it would have to be never, never, never overanalyse. it's a bitch; its a habit that often extends its wretched arms to other parts of your life to the point where you find yourself staring at inanimate objects such as a water bottle and overanalysing the condensation of its insides and every curve and dent of its plastic figure. it's simply not healthy haha.

but in all seriousness, there is a difference between analysing and overanalysing. just as there is a difference between foolishness and wisdom. in every part of life it is necessary to pause and as i reiterated in thought #47 be silent, and analyse life. understand where you are going, who you are, what you live for, why the things that matter most to you matter and such. its not abnormal to be profound once in awhile haha. but then draws a thin line between analysing and overanalysing. when as ben kweller once sang in panamanian girl  "im jealous of the things that aren't even there." becomes a nasty truth then you may have a problem. no one likes an overanalyser. because once you become an overanalyser you end up adopting traits of jealousy, clingyness, trust issues, paranoia, schizophrenia and the list potentially perpetuates.

i recall, in my naive and ignorant days of 13years+, thinking that everything a guy said or did had to be deciphered. and i mean this is true but i would spend days agonising, without sleep,  and in the company of other naive and ignorant females wondering what "i like you" really meant or "i don't like you" really translated to. as ive grown older (and very arguably wiser haha) i've come to this point where i like you means i like you and i dont like you simply means i don't. i have given up the embarrassing sleepless overthinking and have come to understand that its better to ask if you don't truly comprehend and leave it as it is. i'm not saying don't ask questions and i'm certainly not saying to stop thinking. but sometimes your mind is better left to exercise over the more important issues of life.

so i guess next time if he/she says "i like you" embrace it, don't rip it apart, don't analyse syllabically, just accept it simply for what it is.

love,

p.s. i dont know why i love this photo, i know its morbid haha.
try overanalysing this? haha