thought #192- easy come, easy go

if one were to stop and think about it, it's truly amazing how many human connections we establish in a span of a day. from the moment you wake up and see your dad walking in with a hot cup of tea, to the instance you fleetingly meet the eyes of a man in his car to God knows where, to the lady at the clothing store asking how you are (but not really giving a fuck about your wellbeing), to the person you brush shoulders past in the street to the fit couple you witness walking their dog on your way home. be it minute, meaningless scintillas of communication, every person you indirectly and directly meet causes a connection, a wire,  a vein inside your existence to come alive. and you may not feel any different than before you set your eye on this individual, and you may forget them in the blink of an eye but your lives, existence become a temporary couple, married by the mutual moment you shared alive together. can you believe that every person you come in contact with is sharing a fragment of their time, space and world with you and vice versa. a moment that they can not regain or ever get back. it's as simple and yet so complex as that.

sometimes you are fortunate for a repeat. for another transient encounter. sometimes you never see that human being ever again. so next time you catch sight of a handsome stranger, walk away from the only one you'll ever love, to a friend you forgot to befriend, to someone you have not yet forgiven think as if its your last. it may not be. you may have another opportunity. but what if you don't? you don't want to live with the unknown forever whilst declaring "two years later you're still on my mind."

life is too ephemeral to not be awake.

love,

thought #141- ill set you apart.

Day 22 - What makes you different from everyone else

to be honest this question makes me cringe. mainly because it forces me to actually delve deep into who i am as a person and where i fit in this jigsaw puzzle called society. why it makes me cringe is because i am honestly still in the process of trying to find out what defines me. this doesnt mean i'm after any sympathy here, but there really isn't anything special that sets me apart, except for the fact there is no human being that looks, acts, thinks and essentially is me. being unique is such an opaque concept. i struggle to grapple with it.

i mean i do have my little foibles, my little quirky things that make me not completely different but somewhat distinguished. such as my penchant for writing, my love for strangers, my affinity for the shade of black in clothing, my irregular heartbeat, my whim for red lipstick, my necessity for nailpolish (dark blue, red and purple), my soft spot for morbidity, my insomniac tendencies, my strange thinking patterns, my vocal chords, my grandfather hands, my lifelong refinement for my Creator, my skim mocha and morning cigarette breakfast, my verbosity, my obsession for visiting cafes by myself, my shyness, my fondness for debating, my inability to play any sport, my non-existent love life and the list potentially perpetutates. but i guess alot of people can pick a few and say "hey me too" thus eliminating the purpose of difference from everyone else.

but hey i'm not selfish. i think its great to find a "hey me too" in your life. its good to have differences, but its within those differences that the similarities blossom. and suddenly doing life alone, is impossible.

love,

thought #45- expected strangers and unexpected friends

in life you meet people; strangers. another nameless grimace in another crowd in another city in another country in this entire cosmos. another palpitating heart walking to the quotidian beat of their repetitive, mediocre existence. another soul, another system of organs with another list of dreams to conquer and shit to forget. another metaphorical clock, which ticks, the hands passing the numbers by which your age represents, until your time is up. another one of you.

but sometimes, and not often nor assured or inevitable, you meet people; who evolve from being mere strangers. who no longer become a blur in the ephemeral and busy nature of our lives. whose name is attached to a face sprinkled with familiarity and features (freckles, one eye green the other blue, a crooked nose). whose smile you recognise as having the responsibility for your internal explosions. who, out of serendipity or fate (never just by chance), knows exactly how you feel with no need for verbal confirmation or one’s physical presence. who has common dreams to conquer and shit to forget, but also stark contrasts, which spark mutual interest each and every time.

sometimes in life you meet another one of you and suddenly that feeling of just a statistic, number, another name and another farrago of flesh and bones is dispelled by the fact that you’ve met someone like (but not is) you. so once you meet that someone that once a stranger, now a friend- don’t ever let them go. why would you ever return to just “another?” 

love,

ps. because life sometimes feels like where's wally? haha

thought #44- moving furniture

is a messy, cluttered business as i can view from the condition of the top level of our house haha my parents' fantastic idea to rip the carpet of all main bedrooms and replace this with timber flooring has left much clutter, half assembled beds, shelves in random nooks and so on. this physical rearranging can be attributed to the internal changes that i have decided and am deciding to implement as prompted by the events of last week.

it feels like there is much moving and discarding and ripping apart and replacing to do in life after much thought and conviction. and although it is painful and stressful and internally unwanted i must look beyond my current selfishness and understand that there will come a time i can look back and truly appreciate the efforts of looking at the symbolic pieces of furniture in my life in a different light haha.

and so begins my recounting. to be honest, my head is still half exploding and half processing at all that occurred in my brisbane adventures but i must say it was amazing. i was sad to leave, wishing that one week extended for longer. there were so many things learnt, so many new friendships sparked and so many questions left to answer. as sappy as this may sound, it was really life altering. it made me suddenly think about what i believe, why i believe it, who i am and what the hell am i doing with this life i've been graciously given? i remember thinking at times "fuck... where exactly am i going?" but i think its crucial. vital to question yourself and have people question your beliefs, because it is only in this pressure and removal of comfort that we are stretched (or tented) to remind ourselves the fundamental source of why we exist. it was also great to have other people who shared your common belief question or voice their own different opinion regarding areas such as creation and the coming. it was a precious experience.

and so what's next? after all the amazing times, the city shopping splurges, the excessive amount of caffeine and absence of sleep and lecture after lecture after lecture? we are left to translate and seek to realign our lives to the truth (not that relative truth bullshit... sorry postmodernists haha). as i commented earlier its painful, i can feel the effect already. as much as i dont want to hurt anyone decisions must be made not just for my sake but for the sake of the other souls that i've included in my life. right now im in no place of victory. i wish i could tell you that last week made me "pumped and alive for jesus and wanting to change the world etc etc" and although that urgency is present its made me realise the hypocritical nature of my life and the need to move furniture for the sake of my future.

haha deep i know. sorry if i babbled on and you're thinking "what is she on about?" haha. but yeah last week was brilliant... i miss the gorgeous locals and sunny weather already. compass 2011 please? haha.

thought # 7- if i befriended a murderer

apart from the fact that i may not survive to see tomorrow, i would ask them why they would choose such a profession...  such a label. i am not one to judge and will never despite how horrid the crime may be but you can't help wonder what possesses a man to cut throats and dismember bodies as if they were cows in an abattoir. human evil is such an intricate, scary thing. mainly because it is within our fallen nature and we ultimately have some running through our veins. but then again, i would never chop someone's head or point a shotgun at someone's face. because no matter how many times a murderer will say that this life is a bastard and this world is out to get them, i am only reminded of who i am accountable to at the end of the day and who's presence i will be before when judgement day comes.

perhaps im odd but i really do pity murderers who have lived a lonely life, whose upbringings and experiences compel them to discard the value of human life. reading in cold blood (as i mentioned in a previous thought) made me somehow wish if only the murderers were brought up with love, with a revelation of who they really are beyond the carnalities and horrors of their own lives. if only they knew it wasn't too late before they walked up to the planks and were hung on that fateful day of 1965 (i personally don't approve of capital punishment and see that it isn't our role to decide upon life and death). perhaps its me but even the most cruel, sadistic being is not beyond the ability to find hope and affinity. i was looking at photos of perry smith and dick hickock and when you analyse their grimaces you can see a veneer of pride that is only present to mask how hurt and lost they really are.

so if i ever befriended a murderer perhaps i would come to cherish the precious gift of human life and without any fingers being pointed or claims on whose to blame, i am in utter respect for people who can forgive their loved one's killers (like the virk family) and i actually sympathise with murderers... no i don't condone what they do and i don't see it right in any way, but if jesus could love and forgive wretches like me and other murderers, adulterers, frauds etc. who are we to not? 


love

 

p.s. photos of perry smith and truman capote (top) and dick hickock (bottom) the murderers of the clutter family in 1959. there is something so beautiful about these photos, you almost forget they're murderers and remind yourself they're first human beings.