thought #240- my best friend's wedding

so i think i'm in love with my best friend. well actually i don't. that's a fairly huge overstatement and i just wanted to be dramatic haha. however recently things have caused abnormalities in my typically and otherwise cold, pathetic excuse of a heart. now i don't know what it is (actually I do know since he's a mega babe), but i've had bouts when it comes to fancying this person. i thought i got it out of my system after high school and the notion of crushes and such were dispelled by the even more depressing notion of reality. other boys entered my life some momentarily, others lasting long enough to cause an indent (don't even get me started on that...) and somehow this person shifted from pretty boy fantasy to best friend material. we got closer and more platonic, secrets shared, life lived. he became someone i could trust and be comfortable with, someone who would remain a presence in post high school life. and soon after, life took its course, shit went down and we all willingly grew up. our penchants for cigarettes and ciders and movie marathons and dinners somehow just fit perfectly into our lives. things that i never noticed in my youth, i suddenly did now like his views and the way he thinks and how i totally understand and i think it is only recently, after having been single for awhile, that my internal struggle and the thin line that i dare to tread from platonic to paramour is even considered. but there are alot of things that frighten me to be in this situation. i am cautious when people ask "so do you like him?" because it feels like we're so past this question, this juvenile distinction between friends and lovers. i do but i don't (want to) and it's getting harder to deny that i have just friends feelings for this person. it's funny actually because i'm not smitten or feeling like im in dazed crush over it. i think its the company that really gets to me. the whole notion of spending the day with this person and feeling good about everything. now don't get this mistaken with the butterflies in my stomach, thinking about him everyday shit. it's just this feeling that maybe deep down, i could actually be with this person. especially since i don't want to be with anyone like that right now. this conundrum actually scares me shitless. but back to the dilemma.

first we're good friends. it isn't the same as meeting someone new at a party or from a mutual friend and engaging in the whole meet and greet and "see each other" kind of phase. it is actually a big deal in comparison to someone who for a moment intrigues and interests you and say if things didn't work out and he falls off the face of the earth that you wouldn't be devestated for life. i'd be gutted if we stopped talking forever over a trivial lovers quarrel. i mean what if we do end up being together, but we're horrible for each other and so we break up but it's just impossible to be friends again? there's way too much at risk.

second, the rejection. i know for a fact that being such good friends we are pretty blunt and non-secretive with our love life. i know i can tell this person much with confidence. for all these years he has never told me he's liked me or even hinted the notion. we've always been platonic, nothing ever coming close to intimacy. there's never been a drunk hook up to attach anything to, not even an i like you (year nine doesn't count haha). so there is a very big chance that a sudden revelation of my non-friendly feelings could result in an awkward rejection that could taint our friendship forever. i hate to overanalyse but there are moments that make me question. however i'm too chicken shit to ruin something that is great as it is. i guess i'll just have to torture myself internally... because at the end of the day it's a question of all or nothing.

third, am i just wanting a friend with benefits? as you know i'm in no position to be in a relationship at this current stage of my life. as horrible, carnal and ruthless as i'm going to sound right now i'm going to be straightforward and honest. i want a boyfriend minus the boyfriend. right now i would be content to be someone's girl provided we can go on our separate ways when the mutual need to move on is reached. i know, part of me thinks its impossible. that there's no thing as a mutual separation and there is absolutely zero consideration for what the guy wants (what if he actually wants a real girlfriend?) but seriously if someone could be that guy i would want it to be this person. purely because i trust this person, and adore this person and would never consider getting together with someone who will treat me as another number (from experience). It kind of doesn't help that I'm physically attracted to him (great).

but at the end of the day the three factors boil down to how he feels, and how i stand in his life. the thing is, i dont think ill ever get the guts to ask. even while intoxicated. because i fear hearing things i don't want to. i fear affirmation for the things i'm avoiding and i fear the most of shattering this solidified mutual happiness. i want to be happy as a friend. and when the time comes and i have to look back in retrospect, i can imagine falling in love and being happy with someone that isn't him. the thing is i can be happy to be just his platonic friend, and someone special in my life. but then again i can be happy with him too. but right now as selfish as it sounds i do want him. but more than that i want to know. and yes for the record i'd probably lose my shit the day he gets a girl for real. but i just don't want to end up like julia roberts being rejected by her best friend when it's too fucking late and you have to feign to the rest of the world that you didn't expect it to end that way.

love,

Ps. Fuck this overanalysation of a post :(

thought #239- Twenteen

i honestly cannot believe that in two and a bit days i will graduate from adolescence (numerically, don't know about in maturity or physical measures) and turn 20. am i excited? not particularly. but the aging process is inevitable and i guess i just have to be hopeful and optimistic about things the way i was at the start of 2012. i guess the whole confirmation of finally becoming a member of the 20's club just makes me even more daunted by my future and the thought of actually needing to get my shit together. in retrospect, the young, naive and former abi was really expecting too much from the now, older and maybe a little wiser abi of today. but that doesn't mean i've abandoned all hope and plans and dreams. there is still so much to be done. i can only hope and pray that i will be taken by where He leads and to stop acting so juvenile as i have lately. anyway i actually wasn't here to write a moody and brooding farewell to my teenage years (i'll probably do that on the day before my bday haha) i actually wanted to share me gift wishlist. another part of my juvenile practices that i seem to never get past. i've always made wishlists for every birthday and christmas and i guess this tradition won't be ceasing until maybe 30 when i realise i should stop being so selfish haha.

the birthday wishlist

• funkis clogs. i surprisingly didn't get a pair for christmas so maybe i'll be fortunate this time around. currently lusting over the high plait sandal pair in natural or the very high clog in grey (mainly because it's the only styles i don't have yet haha).
• and more shoes. since i rarely buy shoes, mainly because of my impossibly suitable feet, when i finally desire something, it comes in masses. my top selections (but not limited to this) include: 

• hunter orignal short classic gumboots in black (size 7) (i need these),
• mollini fragile wedges in black size 37 (divine!)
• acne pistol short booties (size 7) but since i'm more realistic i'll settle for something like these asos boots or sole society boots from the iconic (size 38)
• Cheap Monday Kloss Horse Peep Toe Boots in black (size 7)  (so in love)
•  vans lo pro black leather (size 7.5 i think?)
• converse all star embossed leather hi cut chucks in black (size 7) (i have an affinity for leather shoes as you can see).   

• vlieger and vandam guardian angel soft l black tote . i've technically already got the $$ to buy this but it's current sold out status has made me rather upset. i guess i'll just have to be patient until mid april... zzz
• Herschel Market Tote Bag cute little uni/day bag. 
• a new wallet. i am in desperate need of a new wallet. but this time round i actually don't want a real wallet, in a sense i'm not after those bulky space filling abominations. i'd rather have a small almost pouch like version, especially when i just want to abandon my bag and rid myself of growing posture pains. i'm tossing up between a cute comme de garcons, classic prada, ever in love acne, minimalist celine or edgey wang... or one of each could work too haha
• karen walker number six sunglasses  i have been dying to have these for ages now haha
• and a fuck load of clothing. especially winter. bring on the beanies, trench coats, cute knits, floral pants and everything in between.
• skins season 1-5 (the box set i saw at hum on king at newtown) is a must! 
• a boyfriend 

the last one not really (unless you're of that generosity hahaha). but i guess all this materiality will never compare to the gratefulness and blessings that twenty years on this earth has been. i can only give thanks to the Creator and hope that the next twenty will just go from strength to strength.

love,