thought#194- sometimes girl

i find when we're together, everything is lovely and dandy and suspiciously effortless. the wretched suburbia, the cheap wine we drink, the faint chill of a saturday night is dispelled momentarily- as if we are two priviledged human beings to be coerced from the infrangible routine of seconds, minutes and hours. past, present and future. the rhythmic beat of air plunging into lungs and blood palipitating through heart- as we sit and talk and live. i slowly allow my brain to no longer function, to give reign to my heart and i find myself laughing hysterically over your antics and starring at your face as if one blink will peel your flawless complexion completely. i am no longer undithering, no longer indecisive. i am no longer questioning who we are to each other, what that means, who i have to be and who i cannot. i am no longer suffocating with what we will do next, whether i will see you again, whether this is casual, whether i will wake up the next morning folded between your bed sheets. i am such a future person. i always think before i do. but this very moment beckons not a forever. i just want your company.

i find when we're apart, i don't miss you. i don't even feel compelled to communicate, sip my tea and smoke my cigarettes in your presence. we live separately, segregated by what we cannot be for each other. i do not feel scattered though i ask myself should i be? should i be nothing without you? but that is foolish talk. idle chatter. we go on about our respectable lives, do what we need to do to be free. i carry the quotidian cross i bare, you sink into anonymity. the world that is so easily forgotten from the times we are together is amplified, magnified. work to be done, life to be lived. it is no longer us but simply you and me and the annihilation of romantic notions and the mind hibernating is left festering like projectile vomit on a highway. we are no longer bored but busy. held captive to our own jealous and dissimilar priorities. i don't even question if you love another (i never ask you about love it gets far too complicated), or if you think of me beyond the constraints of our encounters together. because frankly that is unfair for us both.

when truth be told is we are only sometimes people. drifters into each others existence. and it is not because we don't give a fuck about each other. its just the nature of our relationship. you are my sometimes man, i your sometimes girl. and there is nothing special about anything in between. whether this is a sad reality or not i still do not know. but i do know deep down we're both a little frightened to let anyone else, especially each other, in.

ps. that's how the story goes.