i know i don't regularly use this anymore but i felt i needed a somewhat private (as private as a public domain such as the internet can get) place to vent/regurgitate what has occurred this past year. so much has happened i actually don't even know where to begin. i'll skip the formalities and pleasantries such as acquiring a full-time job (thank God), graduating my undergraduate degree (thank God again) and all that jazz and get down to the nitty gritty.
to be honest, my heart and head hasn't really been present this whole year. i feel i've been going through the motions of the mundane, living life as one does, trying to be open and nonchalant and subconsciously erasing the mess i made in london (that still haunts me to this day) but deep down i'm confused, lonely and trying to conceal gaping wounds with fleeting moments that just create another wound in return. i guess you could say i've been very careless lately. it's not because i want to or that i'm actually happy with this kind of behaviour. i just don't know how to go about not being so indifferent towards matters pertaining to my heart.
i feel attached to people who i barely know. i want to be with people who don't want to be with me. it's heartbreaking and pathetic. i often ask myself since when did i get so tragic? i've been trying to fool myself to believe that i'm fine acting this way. that i'm ok with things just happening for fun. that i'm fine to sleep in unfamiliar sheets and tread unfamiliar territories with a stranger. haven't i learned already that there's no such thing as unattached? that regardless if your heart was in it or not you bared a private, sacred piece of yourself, which will never be returned. this feigning is tiring. i don't want the giddy feeling of a crush. i don't want the romantic notion of intoxicatedly dancing with a stranger with lipstick smeared across our cheeks. i don't want to eat burgers like a lovesick couple. i don't want to watch a movie while you unsubtley feel me up. i don't want to lie on your lap and watch lonely planet or watch you cook with your doona as my dress. i don't want to just hang out. i don't want to wear your old, dilapidated shirt to sleep. i dont want to hold hands with someone i barely know and like all too much too soon that it frightens us both. fucking hell. i don't want to sleep with someone who already makes me wish for morning to mull over slowly, just for tonight. i don't want to sing to sick songs in bed while listening to each others hearts echoing from the hollows of our chest. i don't want to wake up and stare at this beautiful creature and wonder what he's thinking. i don't want to have to say that i kind of like you a little then want to swallow my speech and slice off my tounge for sounding like a complete idiot. i just want it to be straight. it doesn't have to be easy. it doesn't have to be simple. just true. after all this, i just want to settle down to the real deal.
i just want someone to be fucking honest. to put their intentions on the line and allow them to love me, and i the same. i'm too old for headfucks or games or i'll call you when i'm drunk. i just want someone who'll still care when i'm sober. i actually think i'm ready to meet the man the Creator has ordained and is fashioning especially for me... but is he ready to meet me?
i guess it's true. i am all over the place. and the frightening thing is i don't know where to even beginning trying to pick myself off the floor.
love,
