thought #220- easier

it's easier to not meet that person and have that initial feeling of attraction, doubt and nervousness. it's easier to not feel like your heart will jump out of your throat each and every time they walk your way or say hello or offer to carry your textbooks. it's easier to not feel like your stomach is consuming itself as they attempt to disguise their own internal stomach self- dissipation by asking for your number. it's easier to not go through the first phone call or first text message that accumulates to fifty and five hours as the days pass without you noticing. it's easier to not go have coffee or lunch or dinner and have to worry about your feelings rearing its ugly head and spoiling the casual flirting and mystery behind this all. it's easier to not be able to sleep at the thought of seeing them tomorrow and deciding what to wear and wanting to look beautiful in their presence (even though they think of you that way with a burlap sack on). it's easier to not tremble momentarily as they cup their hand into yours as if that suddenly alters the status of your relationship. it's easier to not feel compelled to check your phone every hour or stare at your watch to watch those tiny hands to speed to the next time you'll see them again. it's easier to not have them ask and you replying yes.

it's easier to not have the feeling of bliss, where words cannot provide a perfect summary of what is going on in your head and heart. it's easier to not feel like every kiss and hug and cuddle and i love you is not enough. it's easier not to have permanent arm candy. it's easier to not have the first argument and feeling dejected as if all those moments of bliss were only moments of blindness. it's easier to not feel embarrassed but watch each other apologise and assure each other that things are okay. it's easier not to feel this sudden emotion of stagnancy, the pinnacle of comfort that nothing excites you and nothing  about the relationship feels fulfilling anymore. it's easier not to have the sudden break. it's easier not to feel awkward and slightly betrayed as you watch them start to fall for someone else and inside you remain thinking "that should be me". it's easier not to see your relationship crumble into fragments as quickly as they first began, waiting to be pieced together. it's easier to not have to go through the goodbye and break up and moving on and never really letting go. it's easier to not have every little thing remind you of them. it's easier to not have to wake up the next morning, feeling half- hearted (literally). it's easier to not look at your phone waiting for a text message or a call to lunch or a new movie you're keen to watch or even just a late night snuggle. it's easier to not think of that person you could be horrifically awkward and ugly and embarrassing with. it's easier to not have to go through friend's asking and people trying to get you two back together and having to hear what your heart actually pathetically echos from someone else when they say "but you two were so good together." it's easier not to have to see that person hand in hand with somebody new and you feel like shit and internally curse this coincidence and wish them the best but know that things will always have been better if it were still you two.

it's easier not to be in a relationship or experience a relationship. it's easier to not fall in love and fall out of lust. it's easier to not be human. but easier doesn't determine life does it?

love,

ps. i've linked this everywhere but i really am in love with this video. sums up relationships nicely. http://vimeo.com/27764822