thought #62- say what you need to say

i apologise for the absence of my daily entries of life, love and the shit that i get up to on a daily and banal basis haha. it finally appears i have an excuse and i have come to notice that productivity is a far greater severer of social ties than boredom and laziness. this past week has been occupied with other jealous priorities from university orientation days, work, friperie, friends, gigs and all sorts of random days/events.

for a hacked, shortened and brief recount of events, orientation on friday was splendid. it was the first time i have woken up at 6am in a long, long time. it was also the first time i had to run for a bus. my goodness, my little unfit legs and clear drowsiness from a sleepless night was a lovely combination to start my day as a soon to be official university student haha. after momentarily losing my co-ordinates between town hall and central, i engaged in a quick breakfast and an equally quick perve at the school boys congregating near maccas haha.

after i caught a train to central and engaged in a lazy trek towards uts (temporarily pausing for a caffeine fix... i was dying haha). being sandwiched by thousands of students had both its positive pros (subtle perving, gorgeous people, potential lovers, strangers who are soon to be friends etc.) and negative cons (getting caught whilst subtly perving, gorgeous people who are so intimidating, potential lovers with amazing girlfriends and potential heartbreakers, strangers soon to be enemies etc. haha) nevertheless the experience and the uni was grand and i am oh so excited and expectant at what this year will bring. i feel like im in year 7 again, a little lost and overwhelmed but hoping for nothing but the best.

this wed is my last shift at betts until i decide to christmas casual it next year. im slightly saddened but hopeful that i will find a replacement job soon. im praying that people call immediately as my poverty-stricken university student status is looming and freaking me out haha. i know parents will provide, as lovely and amazing as they are, but the extra income would definitely not hurt.  speaking of extra income, friperie is opening oh so soon. i am beyong excited and hope that the idea will hit off with everyone! the extended garage sale is the only fun and semi-brilliant thing that i've come up with since origami cranes and insane individuals haha. so yes i know you must be sick of my self-advertising but please check the website out and tell everyone about it!

so that is the brief revelations of my life as we speak. anything social is being fuelled by brief coffee/shopping/movie playdates with lovelies however the start of university can only mean shortened freedom and more behavioural management theories and accounting equations to think about *sigh* haha. the love life is terribly unattractive as we speak haha. it is this horrible concoction of loneliness, uncertainty, wants, rewinds,  fast forwards, flattened expectations, hopefulness, pulverising of the heart and patheticness.  i only wonder when the straight forward will shine its little face on me and hope to learn how to not be affected by disappointment. essentially, id like to learn indifference. to save myself from believing things could be mutual...

oh well. on with life, friperie in two days!!! thats all i needed to say haha.

love,

ps. found this brilliant photo on my friend's facebook. for stalker purposes i shall leave him anonymous, but yes. what a lovely piece of art.

thought# 61- my new baby

to be honest, i haven't been in much deep contemplation lately, simply because my mind has been preoccupied with the impulsive birthing of a totally foreign concept to me- online thrift stores. out of a burst of inspiration due to a random encounter with stores such as http://shopenvanite.blogspot.com, as well as deep contemplation regarding the prospect of employment whilst in university, i decided that i could rid myself of less clutter and more bones through a simple, straightforward thrift store. first, let me reiterate its more of an extended garage sale where my lovely shit will be for anyone and everyone to view and purchase (provided you live in sydney) rather than a high end vintage boutique similarly to the ones you froth over at newtown or surry hills. i wish i had enough beautiful stuff but most of my pieces are ugly, weird, out of date and could use some alterations to look better. hence why i'm selling them dirt cheap and allowing you to use your creativity and embrace them as your own.

friperie, so far has been the most painless, effortless birth i've had (and might i add my first haha). i feel like mary (not intending to sound sacrilegious) haha but anyway, it feels like a brilliant idea that may totally flop or not. im hoping for the later. so spread the word friends, and let everyone know. friperie (french for second hand store, because im a french wannabe as you all know haha) will be officially launching its first range of items for sale next week 23/2/10. so don't miss it. things will be ridiculously underpriced as im attempting to get them out of my house so snag a bargain.

visit http://friperiesydney.blogspot.com for more details. thanks and hope to see you as my potential customers haha.

love

thought #60- i want want want

when i was younger (and to this day) my mother used to tease me relentlessly whenever i began the want list. "mum i want this and i want this and i want this" she would mimic me in an annoying nasaly tone in the hope of making me stop. usually it didn't work until i got slapped in the ass and told to shut up (haha im kidding, my mother usually just said "aiii nako you always want everything!"). i don't think we ever grow up from wanting things. its an innate human characteristic to desire. to want and need things, people, affirmation, materialistic wonder, love, satisfaction, purpose and the list continues endlessly.

i think we often get carried away with wanting so much and expecting beyond our physical context that we forget the joy of giving. we lose sight on the value of the giver because we're so focused upon the gift. its cliche i know, but its true. it rings truth as i find myself convicted over the numerous times ive allowed material wonder or a fleeting euphoric moment with a person fuel my happiness. when in fact i have forgotten purity and joy that comes from giving, physically and emotionally. i know it sounds like sappy bullshit again but in a world where acquiring and possessing is the sole agenda its nice to think that there are still givers in this world, without any hidden agenda or malicious intentions. they want to give because they are able and willing.  but of course this doesn't give you permission to abuse so don't be a bitch and keep taking haha.

i often think if one person would take the time to give to another, then perhaps the world would be less selfish and more gracious. simply because a stranger experienced a moment of generosity and passed it on. a chain reaction i guess. so next time i complain and whinge and moan about wanting something desperately, i guess ill just pause and think "have i given anything lately?"

love,

ps. i know, really irrelevant. something i want in the future, i guess haha.

thought #59- the pros and cons of valentines day

the reasons why i've never celebrated valentines day and, although i may perhaps appreciate this tradition in the future, never really fancied it at all haha.

CONS

1. the endless pathetic sap- being anti-romantic (to an extent haha) this day is but another excuse to excessively gush over other halves and lovers in the form of rhymes publically and embarrassingly spread across the local newspaper, purchase novelty sized teddy bears with "i love you" scrawled across the heart its carrying across its chest (and if your boyfriend is a genius you may even get a "i love you beary much!" *insert eye roll at pun* haha), cut poor roses from gardens knowing very well they will be discarded the same day and other cheesy shit. 
2. the degregation of the colour red and the three word phrase- i can no longer appreciate the colour red on valentines day knowing very well that couples in matching outfits and other traditionalists are flaunting around their scarlet as if today's the only day you can wear the hue. its a horrible cliche that can be likened to corsages at proms/formals and superstitions such as not opening umbrellas indoors.... excuse me but i'll open my fucking umbrella whenever i want! haha. in addition to this hackneyed concept is the repeated use of "i love you" or better yet the word itself "love." truly it has lost its meaning by the very nature we carelessly toss around the VERB on this day. tragically it can take only a transitory pause of a day for one's "i love yous" to be "i never want to see you again." *sigh* haha
3. the commercialism- just like christmas and its advertising of santa claus, christmas lights and anything synonymous to "ho ho ho," valentines day is another time of the year in which florists, candy shop/ restaurant owners and cinema complexes get a chance to shine. well its not necessarily a con for florists to take advantage of this day (being in such a niche and luxury sort of market) if they didn't have to charge their flowers so damn expensive. i mean remind me again why i have to pay for a half dead red rose for $10 a stem?!!!
4. the weekend weight gain, overdose on chick flicks and excessive consumption of alcohol and cigarettes- some people may actually see this as a pro. right until the moment they regurgitate cookie and cream chunks, shots of tequila and cry simultaneously due to the frustrating hurt of having to vicariously live through perfect couples in movies.
5. its another stab at singles- as if everyday isn't enough to remind us of our loneliness haha. ok, so im exaggerating. most singles are actually fine with their status and do not hold any insecurities due to their patience and understanding that things such as the mockery of valentines day will pass. bitterness and cyncism is an acquired taste i guess. and although you can live with people, especially yourself, beating the brains out of the concept of singleness with sarcastic jokes and cruel fun, the reality of the fact lingers. even if you are as anti-sap as myself, you can't help feel scintillas of being left out, of wishing you could expect something even as quixotic as a dozen roses at your doorstep or your man taking you out for dinner or perhaps waking up together with his shirt on. and although it is thoroughly amusing to laugh at the gag worthy couples snuggling in the couples seat right next to you, or comment at how daggy pdas and another public declarations of affection are, at the end of the day you are ultimately the one without the other... 

PROS

1. you expect nothing and gain nothing in return- the disappointment (apart from the obvious gaping hole in the shape of your palpitating organ) of wondering if he will, or if he won't will not exist. the dramas are invisible. the frightening feeling of being dumped on valentines day is a mere nightmare... simply because there is no one to get dumped from, no one to receive a shitty tightarse present and no one to say "i don't love you..." 

*bursts into uncontrollable tears* HAHAHA i kid, happy valentines day!

love,

ps. yeah it was alright. seeing my lovely girls was far better haha. 

thought #58- myspace and moving on

last night i cancelled my account on myspace. this may not seem profound or significant to the mediocre reader who has a skimmed relationship with myself or my past but if you were part of my high school life in circa late 2008-2009 you will wholeheartedly understand. i was up until the ungodly hours of the early morning re-reading comments, messages, reminding myself of the history i revolved relentless time and effort on.

i was in a concoction of late night drowsiness, sadness, acceptance, confusion but moreso understanding. things happen for a reason and although they are unexplainable, unknown and even negative at the present moment i remind myself that sometimes the answer isn't for us. and if it is, then light will be shed in due time. it was just amusing thinking back to how life was. there is always an element of nostalgia when needing to move on. it felt as if i had one leg in the water and the other on the ground. unbalanced, dangerous, it was ultimately a frightening feeling. but i continue to have faith and keep myself from turning into an emotional wreck haha.

the unknown is always such a scary concept in life. i guess it forces you to believe amidst uncertainty and as life begins to unfold and as 2010 continues i am finding myself attempting to accept the unknown and being patient enough to know the answer will be revealed in time. so as i deleted my profile, it felt symbolic, almost definite, of what this year was all about. moving forward. moving on. moving in general. now closure is a different thing. i don't believe i'm up to there yet. i'll let you know when i have. but its fast approaching and although im shitting myself about confronting the day, im expectant that things will work out and will not just end up as another profile deactivated haha.

love,

ps. i still remember former favourite boy saying he'll pay myspace as means of gratitude for somehow initiating us HAHA. good times.

pps. i have just awakened a love for good nba games from my day off. go cavaliers haha.

thought #57- neither careless nor careful

you know that sickening feeling sandwiched between annoyance, pretence and patience? you know when you're trying so hard to pretend that you don't care when deep down you really do? i am currently experiencing it. i know its petty and paltry for me to even be affected, but i find that i am. it is this foolishness which i can't explain or tame that leads me to todays thought- feigning care.

im certain you've met people or experienced personal moments in life where you pretend you care when you don't. like when a friend gushes into excessive detail about their first sexual encounter or perhaps an acquaintance describes their brand new material lust. most of the time you smile politely, whilst agonising internally wishing that the conclusion will appear somewhere and soon. at the present moment of being enslaved into an encounter you do not desire, nothing seems amusing and that feeling of being so close (to walking away) yet so far is a mere fantasy.

then on the other hand, there a moments in which you pretend you don't care but deep inside you do. i believe this is far harder to control or display. like when someone you adore is gushing about how much he is crazy about another girl, or when you've failed an exam you know you studied your arse off. externally you shrug it off and smile politely but internally you are crumbling at the thought of another letdown (refer to thought #57). some people actually master this feigning. some people have learnt how to hide their feelings so well that their seclusion undermines any emotion. some people turn to ice at situations whilst others become oversensitive.

its a personality thing i guess. so what's better to pretend you care when you don't? or pretend you don't care when you do? actually, what's worse? sometimes i find myself asking this question, as i try to find normality in my life at this present moment. either way, someone ends up getting hurt and as a line from a song i wrote entitled my bestfriend's lover goes "and i have an inkling its me."

*sigh* haha nevertheless soldier on. there's no use in living life tragically. let your cares mean you do and let your apathy mean you don't. can we be simple, just this once?

love,

thought #56- you're a beautiful letdown

being carnal, human and broken life is inevitably peppered with disappointment. some disappointments are trivial and petty similarly to the way matthew moore breaks his promises again and again yet somehow makes it up to me by a singular apology and entertaining text message (plus you put up with my mean and incessant annoying haha). some disappointments are life altering, encounters, moments and people which dictate or sway the course you will take, the prospects of your tomorrow, the conscious and deliberate decision to arise each morning. some disappointments are learning blocks, similarly to failures and mistakes whilst others are indelible scars that take patience and faith to heal.

regardless of what sort of disappointment we must face there is only really one question and solution that distinctly creates a barrier between humanity. to hope and overcome? or being engulfed and in despair? it is easy to fall back into apathy and complacency and begin to exist without any intention of living. it is easy to also say that i will choose hope when life is dandy and euphoric but not so effortless when you are at the very crook of the valley.

sadly there is no five step guide on how to deal with disappointment. there is no easy solution or equation but we must remember that it is part of life. there will be a tomorrow, there is hope, there is always an opportunity to rise and another day to conquer. some people may laugh at this crudely and remark that i am idealistically bullshitting. that is fair enough. but i truly believe disappointment is not what is to define our life, but the way we dealt with it. it is not foolish to trust and hope and have faith. it it takes all these things in order to overcome a letdown. ultimately there is a reason why we can face difficulties, a reason which leads us to realise we are so much bigger then ourselves and our disappointments are only specks in the totality of existence. that reason why abides in you and i.

love,

ps. follow the up arrow, the sky is limitless after the tragedy :) thanks danise!