thought #157- where do you end and where do i begin?

 "for something to begin, something must end"

i don't think i can count the times i have repeatedly encountered this phrase. be it in a church sermon, peppered within the contents of a cheesy love song, said in tears by a chick flick protagonist, found within the lines of novel, anywhere and everywhere. it is after all truth.

i recall writing about "endings" in a previous thought, and once again it appears as a reoccurring notion. i don't think i'll ever get over thinking about endings. they happen too often in life to forget. i think we often fail to remember that the death of things, people, epochs in life are not always sad. i mean its true, there's nothing happy and pleasant about having to say goodbye to a two year relationship with someone you actually thought of realistically walking down the aisle with. or graduating high school, or when someone you love with cancer passes away, or when you suddenly realise you're not 13 and can never be again. the end and death of something is always painful, especially when it isn't wanted. especially when it isn't inevitable,  especially when we still cling to what we know we must leave behind.

but this is life. we will never grow, learn, change and blossom if we are forever confined to the same atmosphere, people, thoughts, experiences. we make our own minds up, our own lives up, our own beliefs and values to follow by the things that end and begin in life. maybe for you to learn to forgive or begin to love you have to end that relationship that was actually destroying both parties. maybe for you to experience the world and challenge your convictions you had to graduate high school and enter the real world in all its wonder, brilliance, tragedy and chaos. maybe it is only after physical death  that you begin to cherish the importance of life and understand the fleeting nature of existence. and maybe it is only that you're no longer a teenager that responsibility, freedom and wisdom is birthed.

i'm not saying you can't grieve, i'm not even saying "for fuck sakes just get over it" because we're only human. it takes time. for some it's a day, some it's three months, some its fifteen years. sometimes it's never really. but the irrefutable truth is if you want something to start, you must bid something adieu. permanently... well for as permanent, this non-permanent life can get.

love,

ps. so true.
pps. http://thxthxthx.com/ love this site.

thought #156- scribbles

my insomnia birthed a few lines of a story ( a story with zero plot, storyline or future yet to be figured). i don't know if i will ever finish or really start this. just a few lines to get the brain and creativity back on the treadmill again.

There is something innately beautiful about struggle. The way leaves refuse to unfurl at a Winter’s lash. The war between a body and a bed at 6am. My refusal to stop loving people long after they have stopped loving me. Nevertheless lies something extraordinary. Perhaps it is found in the wiring of a human being, to forever be relentless. To bicker with the option of “no” and the alternative of “lose.” I always thought being ruthless was rather romantic. To surrender, weak. However, sadly, us humans in our constrained capabilities are forever slaves to limitations. One can only love so much, struggle so much, live so much until they want no more. Like myself and like today.

love,

ps. finally, motivation = fire at the heels.

thought #155- it's easy to think you know someone, but truly knowing them is the hardest part.

i've come to terms with the fact that i will never completely figure someone out, myself included. i think part of me; the carnal, competitive and knowledge- hungry self will be forever attempting and equally forever disappointed by this. i've somewhat lived by this chimera that one day i will meet that someone who will truly get me, someone i will in return banish complexity and see right through.

and so the quest has always been founded upon this foolish guideline, meeting people exchanging numbers, trading hearts and find in the very moment you are so very caught up in each other's lives that you don't know this person as well as you thought. it may be a gradual realisation, an accumulation of disappointment and qualm. or it maybe that one instance, sitting in a restaurant on that casual friday night date (as you often do; nothing extraordinary), that he says something that makes you suddenly doubt or feel disgusted. and that feeling, that gut-wrenching feeling of knowing that you can't pretend something when it is already in existence and fully aware in your world. and in that fleeting moment, that harmless iota and insignificant dent in another twenty- four hour day, you realise that you don't really know much after all.

perhaps its a sudden human notion of repulsion, unattractedness or a turn-off or perhaps, innately, its this sadness because you thought you had things figured out, sketched out and planned, that freakishly you secretly thought of doing life together to find out that you were conjuring your "perfect" groom from the contents of a stranger. a waste after all. a back to square one of oblivion.

to be honest, i'm fed up with this sort of routine shit. i've come to grips that i will never really know a person in his or her totality. nor will i know myself. that is a coveted secret shared only by the Creator. what i can do is to forget trying to devour people with attempts at getting to know them and to just know them. is there a difference you ask? of course. i mean stop trying so hard to find the perfect guy or perfect relationship or perfect friendship or perfect human being because thats just nonexistent bullshit and a cruising for a bruising. understand its a risk everyday to give fragments of yourself away. accept that you will only know so much of a person. but be content. be thankful that they were willing enough to shed some of their skin to let you in. i'm not talking about being two faced ok?! just be happy you know someone, in this world it's easy not to.

thought # 154- ninety nine truths, one lie.

100 truths!
1. last beverage: water
2. last phone call: gerry
3. last text message: luke
4. last song you listened to: 1963- rachael yamagata
5. last time you cried: its been awhile

have you ever:
6. dated someone twice: no
7. been cheated on: no
8. kissed someone and regretted it: yes
9. lost someone special: yes
10. been depressed: yes
11. been drunk and threw up: yes

list three favorite colors:
12. black
13. yellow
14. beige

this year, have you:
15. made a new friend: yes
16. fallen out of love: yes
17. laughed until you cried: yes
18. met someone who changed you: yer
19. found out who your true friends were: kind of
20. found out someone was talking about you: i wish
21. kissed anyone on your friends list: yes
22. how many people on your friends list do you know in real life: based on facebook (about 3/4)
23. how many kids do you want to have: 2, boy then girl.
24. do you have any pets: does my dad count? haha i kid.
25. do you want to change your name: for a day.
26. what did you do for your last birthday: dinner and clubbing.
27. what time did you wake up today: 9am
28. what were you doing at midnight last night: wasting time
29. name something you cannot wait for: summer holidays
30. last time you saw your mother in law: she's no existent.

32. what are you listening to right now: vultures- john mayer
33. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes
34. what’s getting on your nerves right now: this sem
35. most visited webpage: facebook
36. what’s your real name: abigail
37. nicknames: abi
38. relationship status: single
39. zodiac sign: aries
40. male or female: female
41. elementary school: toonie
42. middle schools: toonie
43. high school: toonie
44. hair colour: dark brown
45. long or short hair: short
46. height: also short
47. do you have a crush on someone: not really
48: what do you like about yourself: i dont really know.
49. piercings: 3
50. tattoos: none yet
51. righty or lefty: righty

firsts :
52. first surgery: none
53. first piercing: ears
54. first best friend: rachel
55. first sport you joined: none
56. first pet: dog
57. first vacation: usa
58. first concert: john mayer
59. first crush: thomas i think

right now:
60. eating: kitkat mmm
61. drinking: nothing
62. i’m about to: stop procrastinating... right.
63. listening to: can't take my eyes off you- lauryn hill
64. waiting for: him
your future :
65. want kids? yes
66. want to get married? yes
67. careers in mind: corporate lawyer or something where i get to write about shit, travel the world and get paid heaps for it.

which is better with the opposite sex? :
68. lips or eyes: eyes
69. hugs or kisses: hugs
70. shorter or taller: taller, that's not hard.
72. romantic or spontaneous: both
73. nice bottom or nice boobs: ass, manboobs are disturbing.
74. sensitive or loud: both
77. trouble maker or hesitant: hesitant

have you ever :
78. kissed a stranger: not a complete stranger
79. drank hard liquor: yes
80. lost glasses/contacts: no
81. ran away from home: no
82. are you awesome: no
83. sure? very sure
84. broken someone’s heart: unintentionally if so
86. turned someone down: yes
87. cried when someone died: yes
88. liked a girl friend: no

do you believe in:
89. yourself: sometimes
90. miracles: yes
91. love at first sight: lust
92. heaven: yes
93. kiss on the first date: depends
94. angels: yes

answer truthfully:
95. is there one person you want to be with right now: kind of
96. who do you truly love: um
97. what do you want most now: summer holidays
98. had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time: no
99. do you believe in god: yes
100. posting this as 100 truths? ok

thought #153- 2015

Day 30- What you see yourself doing in 5 years time

yay finally finished this challenge! took me at least 3 months rather than 30 days but i'm glad to have followed through and seen its completion haha. i love questions such as these. it conjures feelings of excitement, fear, uncertainty and optimism. i love the thought of aging, maturing, seeing the world and experiencing all its wonders and surprises. so five years... i'll be 23 by that time. finished university, hopefully working where it rewards me internally and financially haha. i hope to have travelled a bit more, moved out perhaps closer to the CBD. i hope im still rooted in church life, seeing my parents often and just enjoying young adulthood. i do hope i've found a significant other at this point too. i just hope to be doing well and loving life, really that's all i could ask.

love

thought #152- we show off our souls not our shirts.

Day 29- What you wore today?

to be honest, i am not very bothered to post pictures so i shall merely attempt to describe.

1. vintage oversized camel/beige mens suede collared shirt
2. black singlet underneath
3. vintage levis DIY denim shorts
4. black semi opaque stockings
5. camel suede desert boots
6. mimco curb chain bracelet in gold.

very alexa inspired i must add. she is after all she is my fashion guru.

love,

thought #151- same mirror, different reflection

Day 28 - A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

2009

2010

i must say, alot of things have changed since last year. irrespective of the obvious lack of locks (and probably the university stress induced weight gain), i personally feel like a different person. some aspects i am glad to say for the better,  some i must secretly confide in saying for the worst. to be honest, i didn't expect the alteration of life to occur at such a huge and far reaching extent. i mean i was aware and prepared for things to be differently, for different friends, a vastly different atmosphere, a change and challenge in everything i knew and believed in. but it still took me by surprise. life still shocks, even when we knew it would happen.

i question whether i have matured. maybe so. my priorities in life have definitely been challenged. everything that i love and dwell have also been challenged. i guess when your suddenly brought into a place where you actually have to think twice. where people are not as forgiving and loving as the saviour you worship and adore, it really rattles the bones and spirit. i have to say i am different. i'm not as naive, i'm not as cemented. i'm not as sure but neither am i not as wimpy enough to be swayed from side to side. i know i'm not the same as i was previously. whether that is a good thing or bad thing still remains in question every single day.

love,